Hence, “possible lungs.” Works for me.

On 8:30 PM Sunday, Los Angeles police were notified of the possible lungs by a definite citizen who was probably expecting a lung-free stroll on a lovely summer night. The police have taken the possible lungs in for tests to see if they’re a) ACTUAL lungs, and b) human.

I don’t know what the test is to determine if something is a lung, but I’m guessing it involves a new cadet poking them with a stick, then taking big breaths and feelings his own chest to determine if the things he feels feel like they could look like the thing he just poked.

As of press time, the lungs remain possible, LA County Sheriff’s Department Sgt. Robert Dean summed it up nicely.

“It’s really weird.”

Yeah.

(L.A. Times)

An inmate in L.A. County jail, Anthony “Chopper” Garcia, is in slightly more trouble now that he’s been found to have fraudulently collect more than $30,000′s worth of unemployment benefits while serving a sentence for murder.

Normally, this infraction would be considered a rounding error of the original crime of murder, but we’re only two weeks removed from the Oscars, and news is still pretty slow, so let’s discuss this further.

While incarcerated, Garcia had his father and two (!) girlfriends cash the checks, then deposit them in his inmate account. This set of the circumstances begs the question of “Why the shit do inmates need cash accounts?” But we’re not Mother Jones or The New Republic, so we’ll let the fat cats in Washington sort that out while we berate teenagers on XBox live.

Now is as good a time as any to add that Anthony Garcia has a tattoo on his chest which depicts the crime he committed, and that tattoo was used as evidence against him. That’s awesome. Shortsighted, but awesome.

The media has a way of perpetuating the notion that all news stories in and around Hollywood have to do with the glamorous entertainment industry. We at Screen Junkies would like to give our readers the entire story, and that means offering some Los Angeles-based news that might not make it into ‘USWeekly’ or Entertainment Tonight.

Read more Hooray for Hollywood!

The homeless man was taking his time in the restroom when the other man tried to enter. The homeless man then allegedly kicked the victim repeatedly, because that’s the proportional response when someone tries to enter the restroom.

The homeless guy was arrested, but expect him to be kicking people over restrooms again by this time tomorrow.

On the plus side, this is one of the most upbeat Hooray for Hollywood stories we’ve published (because no one actually died).

The media has a way of perpetuating the notion that all news stories in and around Hollywood have to do with the glamorous entertainment industry. We at Screen Junkies would like to give our readers the entire story, and that means offering some Los Angeles-based news that might not make it into ‘USWeekly’ or Entertainment Tonight.

Read more Hooray for Hollywood!

Read more Hooray for Hollywood!

The board has raised the fine for throwing a football or Frisbee on a public beach to $1,000. I’m not sure if I’m more shocked by the price of the fine, or by the fact that throwing a football at the beach is already illegal.

According to the L.A. Times, the updated rules now prohibit “‘any person to cast, toss, throw, kick or roll’ any object other than a beach ball or volleyball” during the Summer beach season. I assume this will not apply to rolling a joint, provided you have the proper paperwork.

Between this and the L.A. City Council’s decision to mandate condoms in porn, Los Angeles is beginning to feel like Nazi Germany, except, of course, for the lack of antisemitism, the lack of militarism, and the staggering array of different races, languages and cultures. But otherwise, it’s just like it! (Source)

In an incident that proves that LA celebrities, in this case, a musician, are just like regular people all over America, Arune Kavaliauskaite was arrested for allegedly trying to run over a park worker after he had asked her repeatedly to leash her dog in a park near Pasadena.

As the worker tried to take a picture of the license plate of the car belonging to Arune, lead singer of Arune & Alternatives (If you haven’t heard of them yet, you will!!!), she did the neighborly thing and attempted to run him over and kill him.

Unsurprisingly, Arune’s car was a white Mustang convertible, the exact same white Mustang convertible that all the slightly overweight slutty girls in college drive. Way to keep good company, Arune!

She was arrested at her home and released on $30,000 bail, which is probably more money than she will make in the next two years or so.

Hooray for Hollywood!

Note: I could link to her YouTube video here, but won’t because it’s only got like 250 views, and I think that’s pretty funny and want it to stay that way.

Hooray for Hollywood! The unidentified head that two dogwalkers found on Tuesdays now has matching hands and feet. This is no doubt the result of a job well done by the cadaver dogs, a ragtag assortment of mutts that play by their own rules, but, dammit, they get results.

On Wednesday in Hollywood’s Bronson Canyon Park, over 30 policemen, some of whom were on horseback in keeping with the “canyon” motif, scoured the area looking for more body parts in an effort to identify the head.

The L.A. Times reports “as officials were about to leave for the day, the feet were found.”

Isn’t that always the way it works? You’re just about to check out for the day, looking forward to dinner with the wife, when all of a sudden your boss tosses a stack of feet on your desk and says, “Identify these.” Ugh. The ole’ rat race.

No ID has been made yet, and the search for distinguishable characteristics and evidence continues today.

If anyone is missing their head, hands, and feet, please contact the L.A.P.D., as they are interested in speaking with you.

On Tuesday, two dog walkers were, predictably, walking dogs in a park just below the famous Hollywood sign when they discovered a severed human head, with no body found nearby. At press time, it was unclear if one of the dogs brought the head to its master in its mouth like at the beginning of Law & Order episodes.

Police have returned today (Wednesday) with cadaver dogs to search for the rest of the body. Logic tells me that “cadaver dogs” are regular trained dogs that search for corpses, but in my heart of hearts, I still hold out hope that “cadaver dogs” are a pack of undead hell-beasts co-opted by the LAPD or Park Rangers to mete out savage justice for this crime.

Heady stuff, folks. Heady stuff indeed. (CNN)

At 11 PM last Wednesday, a Los Angeles woman named Khadijah Baseer was walking through the drive-thru of a Los Angeles McDonald’s, offering to blow customers for McNuggets.

Actually, the news didn’t specify what kind of sexual favor Baseer was offering, but I will be goddamned if I’m gonna part with nuggets for a handski. The police were notified by a man that Baseer propositioned. He turned her down, even though a blowjob in exchange for McNuggets, even 100 of them, is a pretty great deal. My girlfriend charges me 70 McNuggets, and we’ve been dating for six years.

Baseer was picked up on suspicion of prostitution, but she’s probably back on the street already, so let’s all head over to the McDonald’s at 1700 Olive Street and have a happy ending with our Happy Meals. (Burbank Leader)