Screen Junkies » Home Alone

20 Years Later, Marv Looks Back At His ‘Home Alone’ Burglary

Penn Collins — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 19:14:28 +0000

“The antidote to hubris, to overweening pride, is irony…”

- Ralph Ellison

One might think that two fully-grown, lifelong criminals would have no problem addressing and dispatching an eight-year-old sheltered suburban boy in order to loot his house and take what they wish. One would be wrong.

When Harry and I, Marv, went on our robbery spree in December of 1990, it was our inability to know our enemy that was instrumental in our downfall. We were brash, dismissive, and foolish. We have served our debt to society, but the blows to our egos, the shame of falling prey to a tiny blonde boy in a sweater, will haunt us to our graves. Also, I told the story once in prison and got raped because of it.

Never again. Never again with the rapings. Never again with the nails. Never again fooled by cardboard cutouts on model train tracks. As we live and breathe, never again will we suffer the indignities of those cold winter days two decades ago. Hardly a moment passes that I don’t revisit our strategy, our enemy. Where did we err? Was Harry the right man for the job? Was our unbelievable stupidity a factor in our defeat?

I have thought and thought. For so long, I had only questions, but later in life, the answers have come as I’ve made peace with my decisions.

I sincerely believe that our folly and capture resulted from an unfortunate blend of overthinking and underthinking. That may not be clear, so let me elaborate. I believe that we initially underthought many things, namely, the fact that the house was full of people rather than cardboard cutouts mechanically moving to rag music. See below. Ultimately, I feel we overthought our entrance. We should have smashed a big window, overpowered the boy, then perhaps stabbed him with a knife or simply broken his neck. Harry told me he learned how to do that in Vietnam.

The Initial Ruse

When we went back to the house after Harry cased it, we returned only to find the silhouettes of many people moving, and loud music playing. As though a party was taking place. All evidence pointed to the parents being out of town. The entire family was scurrying in preparation two nights before.

In hindsight, we should have more closely examined those silhouettes. They appeared to be moving laterally on the floor, but lacking other movements that people normally exhibit while walking or dancing. If an examination of a motionless silhouette gliding effortlessly along the floor proved inconclusive, perhaps we should have looked in through another window. In hindsight, this was the first of many big errors on our part.

The Paint Cans

If there’s one thing I regret, it’s allowing myself to be hit in the face with so many paint cans. It’s embarrassing, frankly. I mean, the manner in which those cans swung should have afforded me plenty of time to strafe left or right on the staircase, or at least deflect them with an arm. Instead, I just froze and screamed, somehow allowing the can to send my body, parallel to the ground, flying down the staircase. I play it over and over in my mind, and I’m just glad I wasn’t more seriously hurt.

Angels with Filthy Souls

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I REALLY don’t understand how we didn’t pick up on this. Again, hindsight is a luxury the Wet Bandits didn’t have, but why were we not more skeptical about 1930’s gangsters named Acey and Snakes inhabiting a suburban Chicago home? I was told later by the police that a teenage pizza delivery boy was also fooled by this video. That grants me some solace.

The Propane Torch That Burned Off Harry’s Cap and Hair

I don’t feel bad about this and neither does Harry. This could have happened to anyone. This booby trap was just a very smart play by Kevin McCallister. We were bested by this one, plain and simple.

In case you were wondering, Harry and I still talk on occasion, though it’s pretty clear that our relationship would never be the same after failing to rob the McCallister residence. I wouldn’t say we resent each other for the failure, but seeing each other now just constantly reminds us of that very unpleasant series of events. That said, I wish him nothing but the best. I took his niece out on a few dates, but it didn’t pan out. To his credit, he was a very good sport about that.

The Saran Wrap, the Fan, and the Feathers

This one hurt most of all, if only because it seemed gratuitous. Say what you will about our motives, but we were never out to attack Kevin McCallister’s esteem or sense of self-worth. He knew those feathers wouldn’t save him or slow us down, yet he installed the trap anyway, knowing that it would demoralize us. I’ve forgiven him for the crushed ornaments, the scalding doorknob, and nail on the stairs, but I’m not sure I’ve made my peace with his infliction of that indignity.

Oh. And that time I stuck my head through the doggy door and he shot me with a godamned air rifle. Again, we may not have been bastions of integrity, but the Wet Bandits made an oath a long time ago to never use firearms. If we hadn’t stuck to that oath, I can assure you things would have turned out very differently for Kevin McCallister.

Pride

Ultimately, this was what did us in. Not the booby traps, not even the old guy with the shovel who seemed to literally come out of nowhere. Years ago, I would euphemistically call what we exhibited “resilience,” but that’s simply not the case. We were too stubborn, too damn determined to accept the fact that an 8 year-old boy was better at defending his house than two career robbers were at infiltrating it.

Epilogue

Do I think about Kevin these days? Not often, but yes, I do. The last I heard, about a decade ago he had graduated from Bard. And you know what? I wish him the best. I really do. I even considered friending him on Facebook, but thought better of it. I was sitting around the other day, after my dinner party had left, and I was thinking that Kevin’s almost of the age to have an eight-year old of his own by now.

Me? I never found the right person to have kids with. Harry was very badly injured during our attempted break-in, and, in prison, ended up falling in love with his physical therapist. So I guess things worked out pretty well for him. He can’t have any kids though, because that little bastard shot him in the crotch with an air rifle.

Cinema’s Most Inept Criminals

Jame Gumb — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 16:42:12 +0000

This Friday, 30 Minutes or Less, starring Danny McBride and Jesse Eisenberg, hits theaters. The film tells the story of a hapless pizza boy who is kidnapped, strapped to a time bomb, and instructed to rob a bank before the device detonates. As you can imagine, selecting a random guy off the street and threatening his life probably isn’t the most efficient way to commit a crime. That said, even a complete novice like Jesse Eisenberg’s pizza-boy character stands a better chance than the following inept movie criminals.

Harry and Marv – Home Alone

Honestly, if the only obstacle between you and a big score is a prepubescent boy, and you’re still unable to finish the job, maybe it’s time to think of a new profession. This is doubly true for Harry and Marv, who were outsmarted by a pre-teen Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin) not once, but twice. And something tells me their involvement with a child didn’t win them many friends in the big house.

Ken Pile – A Fish Called Wanda

When Ken Pile (right) is tasked with killing the only witness in a recent jewel heist, he ends up killing the target’s three dogs instead. Pile, an avid animal lover, is emotionally distraught by the killings. Luckily for him, the intended target ends up having a heart attack after witnessing the death of her pets, which means he was successful in his mission, albeit in a roundabout way.

H.I. McDunnough – Raising Arizona

There are probably better ways to meet a woman than repeatedly getting arrested. But that doesn’t stop H.I. McDunnough, who falls in love with the girl in charge of taking mugshot photos at the local jail. The two are later married, but it is soon discovered that his new bride is infertile. As a result, McDunnough decides to kidnap a child from local furniture baron Nathan Arizona, who was recently blessed with quintuplets. The resulting fiasco was not received well at the box office, but became a cult classic, and helped make a name for the Coen brothers.

Jerry Lundegaard – Fargo

Speaking of the Coen brothers, Fargo contains one of the most pathetic criminals in movie history. In an ill conceived plot to extort money from his father-in-law, Jerry Lundegaard hires a team of kidnappers to kidnap his own wife. Things quickly spiral out of control, and a mild mannered Jerry is ill equipped to deal with the situation.

Donnie Smith – Magnolia

I said Jerry Lundegaard might be the most pathetic character on this list. However, I must have forgotten about Donnie Smith (also played by William H. Macy). Smith is a down and out former child quiz-show contestant who is desperately in love with a young bartender with braces. In a bizarre attempt to win the young man’s affection, Smith gets braces of his own. The plan proves unsuccessful, and Smith is forced to steal from his former employer’s safe to pay off the procedure.

Tyrone, Sol, and Vincent – Snatch

If you’re going to point a gun, you’d better be ready to pull the trigger. Tyrone, Sol, and Vincent should have learned this lesson. In a pathetic attempt at robbery, the three use gun replicas to intimidate their victims. However, when their intended target recognizes the ruse, and pulls out his own .50 Desert Eagle, things quickly unravel.

Dignan – Bottle Rocket

Dignan thinks he has hatched the perfect robbery plan, and seeks the backing of a local underworld figure, Mr. Henry. However, Mr. Henry is simply using the the “robbery” as a diversion. While Dignan is busy robbing an empty safe, Mr. Henry is busy robbing Dignan’s house.

Ray – Small Time Crooks

In order to rob a nearby bank, Ray decides to rent a local business and tunnel in from the basement. As cover, Ray’s wife Frenchy starts selling homemade cookies from the storefront above. While Ray and his cronies are busy fumbling there way through an armature heist, Frenchy quickly turns the cookie business into one of the hottest spots in town. Of course, Ray is too busy trying to steal money to realize that his wife is making it hand over fist.

Sam and Eddie – Safe Men

Sam and Eddie are two second-rate lounge singers trying to make a buck. However, their passing resemblance to a pair of first-rate safe crackers draws attention from a local Jewish mobster, Big Fat Bernie Gayle. The two soon find themselves being pressed into service by the mob while at the same time being threatened by their real criminal counterparts.

You Can Buy The ‘Home Alone’ House

Wookie Johnson — Thu, 05 May 2011 16:05:55 +0000

The house where a young boy was neglected by his parents and nearly murdered by home invaders is now on the market. The Home Alone house is a stately red-brick Georgian dramatically situated on a beautifully landscaped half-acre lot on Chicago‘s North Shore, and it could be yours for 2.4 million dollars. If you consider all that this wonderful property has to offer, that really is a bargain.

The grand entryway invites you into a home of comfort and luxury, and it’s perfect for smashing paint-cans into Daniel Stern’s face. And you can create your own memories in the legendary living room, like shooting Joe Pesci in the groin with a BB gun.

Of course, these pros are balanced by some potential cons. A few booby traps do still remain, so please proceed with caution. Also, the creepy old neighbor will stop by periodically looking for his son. Make no sudden movements and greet him with warmth, and it’s unlikely he will hit you with his shovel.

This information should not detract you from owning this charming property. Wouldn’t you enjoy the opportunity to hang a plaque on your house that reads: ‘Macauley Culkin Shaved Here’? Contact Coldwell Banker if interested. (Buzzfeed)

Macauley Culkin Fights Monsters In ‘I Am Home Alone’

Wookie Johnson — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 20:06:58 +0000

The holiday spirit has been lacking a bit around here but we’ve got a video here to help us recapture it. Not many know about this but the film we know as Home Alone was originally filmed to be an action thriller with strong horror elements. After it tested poorly, the studio demanded it re-cut as lighthearted family fare. The results broke box office records, so way to go studio.

Luckily, Jeff Schmalz was able to unearth an earlier cut of the film. The one where Macauley Culkin stars as the last boy on Earth and fights off those vampires or zombies or whatever you want to call them. Without further ado, I Am Home Alone. (via Topless Robot)