As usual, this list’s contentions are final and non-negotiable. Anyone caught discussing or arguing with the findings here or anywhere else online will have their comments deleted and their Internet privileges suspended.

Hayden Panettiere

Standing only 5’2”, Panattiere serves as this list’s “Shetland hottie.” She might not have Rihanna’s tall grace, but she more than makes up for it by looking like a cute tiny teenager while wearing a cheerleading outfit. She would have appeared higher on this list, but she was romantically involved with boxer Vladimir Klitschko which upsets me for a number of reasons, none of which I’m going to get into in this forum.

Yaya DeCosta

This Tron: Legacy actress finished 3rd in America’s Next Top Model, which springboarded her into acting. She stole a handful of scenes in The Kids Are All Right as Mark Ruffalo’s coworker/eff buddy and appears in the upcoming Justin Timberlake sci-fi crime thriller In Time.

I can’t speak to whether or not whips and chains excite Yaya the way they do Rihanna, but I’m comfortable assuming they do until I hear otherwise.

Minka Kelly

The star of Friday Night Lights and the soon-to-be cancelled (I’m guessing) Charlie’s Angels on ABC can not only face-off against Ms. Umbrella, but emerge victorious. Realizing I know next-to-nothing about Ms. Kelly, I looked her up to find that she was last year’s “Sexiest Woman Alive” winner. How ‘bout that!

She recently broke up with Derek Jeter, so if you think your game is on par with the likes of him, by all means, call her up. I don’t have her phone number, but I’m sure she’s listed.

Scream 4 is typical of a sequel that comes long after the previous franchise in an attempt to bring it back. It’s got all the hallmarks of the series we love to see again and we get to catch up with all the characters, but it feels forced and uninspired.

The next generation of Woodsboro catches up with Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) on the anniversary of the original murders. Kids have erected Ghostfaces all over the city street lamps. Killings start again, but it’s the young generation that interprets the rules now.

I totally realize that I’m too old for this movie. Scream 4 is for the internet generation, and I’ve kept up as best I could, but I am simply not the person a movie about webcam and found footage is for. That’s for them. So maybe this is the Scream 1 for a new generation.

I still think the statement is too on the nose. It’s not a satire of the web generation, and they barely address what it means to the Scream formula when everybody has their own personal cell phone. The film simply identifies their habits, but that’s not a commentary. Plus, webcam boys Robbie (Erik Knudsen) and Charlie (Rory Culkin) are no Randy.

The opening sequence manages to surprise the audience and go meta. It’s not organic to any kind of storytelling, but it’s adjusting the formula to a generation built on texting and apps so it’s fun. When they talk about torture porn and Saw movies, I definitely feel like they don’t actually understand that genre like the screenwriter understood slasher movies. They just mention the talking points. Hard to know whether that’s Kevin Williamson or Ehren Kruger. And having the girls watch Shaun of the Dead? No. Just no.

It’s still a mystery, which is a strength of sorts to keep telling stories and guessing games. They’ve got 7 Saws to compete with now though. A scene in the car introducing Jill (Emma Roberts), Kirby (Hayden Panettiere) and Olivia (Marielle Jaffe) is just blatant exposition, no matter how many references they drop in the dialogue. We do get to find out who directed Stab so that’s funny.

There is an unintended meta effect about Gale (Courteney Cox) and Dewey (David Arquette). When Gale and Dewey have relationship conflict, it becomes really uncomfortable to watch. They can’t help that, but it’s a powerful unintentional comment on how the media affects our viewing.

It’s weird, thinking about Scream 4 intellectually, it feels like everything is right and it should work. I just know I wasn’t connecting. I actually liked Scream 3. I liked the meta of setting it on the movie set where they’re making the movie version of the story we’re watching, and Jay and Silent Bob go on the studio tour. I also like in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back where Wes Craven is directing Scream 4 and the killer turns out to be the monkey.

I think Detention ruined me for Scream 4. That’s the new meta self-referential masterpiece, but no one else has seen it yet. Maybe I’ll appreciate Scream 4 some day, in a cultural vacuum or historical context. It took me 13 years to finally appreciate Scream 2. Next time I watch them all back to back, it may fall into place, so there’s hope.

Director: Wes Craven

Cast: David Arquette, Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox, Emma Roberts, Hayden Panettiere

Synopsis: Ten years have passed, and Sidney Prescott, who has put herself back together thanks in part to her writing, is visited by the Ghostface Killer.

Release Date: April 15, 2011

Hayden Panettiere is wasting no time in becoming Hollywood’s next Scream Queen. With Scream 4 under her belt, she’s now joining the thriller Downer’s Grove. Prom Night’s Nelson McCormick is directing the script adapted by Bret Easton Ellis, with Panettiere, Nikki Reed, and Rebecca De Mornay having signed on.

The film follows the story of Downers Grove, a cursed suburb of Chicago. At the end of each school year, one senior dies a bizarre death. I don’t know if the storyline will span a few years to ensure more victims, or if it all revolves around a single graduating class. I’m also not sure why these seniors don’t drop out or move to another school district. Explain yourself, Easton Ellis! (Variety)

Today we have set photos from two completely unrelated films; Wes Craven‘s Scream 4 and David Koepp‘s Premium Rush. They’re just boring enough to not warrant their own posts, while simultaneously movie-related enough to warrant me having to form an opinion about them.

MORE AFTER THE JUMP…

The young cast of Scream 4 re-enacts the fountain scene from the original film that introduced the world to a young Jamie Kennedy. Does this mean we’ll soon get a hidden camera prank show starring Hayden Panettiere? That all depends on the accuracy of her Mafia guy impression.

Suspiciously absent from this picture is Emma Roberts. As far as we know she is the lead, but wouldn’t that mean she would appear in more spy photos? Could this be an elaborate ruse to throw the audience off the super-guarded material? Also, what is with that kid’s hair? (via DailyMail)

Angels In The Outfield‘s Joseph Gordon-Levitt stars in David Koepp’s Premium Rush as a bike messenger racing across Manhattan with a corrupt cop in hot pursuit. I’m already bracing myself for the disappoint I’ll feel when there isn’t a scene where Joe Levitt rides his bike up the spine of a brontosaurus at the Museum Of Natural History. Missed opportunity right there. (via JustJared)

^{An early concept.}

Everyone is on Twitter these days. Celebrities, fake celebrities, movie humor sites, and even the manufacturer of the mask used in the Scream films. It’s only a matter of time before our younger cousins teach our grandparents how to tweet. But back to RJ Torbert of FunWorld, the creator of Scream‘s Ghostface. He recently leaked some information about the sequel on his Twitter page, and it looks like Neve Campbell isn’t the only one sporting a new look:

I expect there to be 2 diff masks, however I will say this, things changing very often – difficult to say without giving it away.

Sent out additional GHOSTFACE to the SET today, a very interesting opening scene.

Lets just say the town of Woodsboro, has an obsession. There is your hint.

Hmmm, okay let me guess. Obsession sounds liks Obsessed. Ali Larter starred in Obsessed and "Heroes" alongside Scream 4 star Hayden Panettiere. Hayden Panettiere was a child actor who turned out hot. Oh my God. I know who the killer is. Or killers are, I should say. It’s Alyssa Milano and Christine Lakin. It’s so obvious. Why didn’t I see this before?!! **smokes pipe backwards** (ShockTillYouDrop)

^{Photos courtesy of ‘Twilight New Moon‘ premiere and the day Hayden ate Webster}

I wasn’t sure if I should be looking forward to Scream 4 or not, but today comes news that at the very least, it will be fun to look at. Wes Craven has offered the lead to Ashley Greene as well as supporting roles to some other familiar faces.

Greene has been approached to play Jill, the cousin to Neve Campbell‘s Sidney. Hayden Panettiere has also been approached to play a film geek and best friend to Jill. The newest Culkin clone, Rory, may sign on as a love interest, and Lake Bell is in negotiations to play a police officer who knows Sidney from high school. Due to the secrecy of the project, the actors aren’t being told much about the film beyond their character descriptions. This is making it difficult for them to decide if they want the shoot this July, but I would think they’d be eager for the chance to work with David Arquette.

I really feel for poor Hayden, always being type-cast. But in all fairness, look at this nerdlinger:

God, I would kick so much sand in her face. (THR)

But here we are in the middle of July with not a single cat fight. Even Mariah Carey is playing nice with Janet Jackson! So, we went ahead and charted out the Diva War, blow by blow, to determine who’ll be box office champion of the weekend! Actually, it’s pretty obvious Brüno’s gonna sweep the floor with Hayden’s alabaster locks, but let’s give each side a fair shake.

Here you are, the scientific breakdown of each person’s worth (sums it up well):

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Regardless of your deviance, we can all agree that Hayden grew up from this…

All the way into this very attractive and very legal woman.    

In honor of Miss Panettiere starring in I Love You, Beth Cooper this Friday, let’s follow her career path starting with her breakout role and see how Hayden’s… ahem… developed.

"HEROES"

The show that made her a star. Hayden plays badass Claire Bennet, the cheerleader who can take anything, and we mean anything. If she can fall off a bridge and pop her shoulder back into place, imagine the things you could do if you were having sex with her on that bridge.  And then imagine what you would have to pop back into place.

THE ARCHITECT 

In this drama, Hayden plays a teen confused and enarmored with her changing female body. A chance to showcase her acting chops? Possibly. A chance to showcase some skin? Definitely. But it’s of course because the work requires it. 

NEUTROGENA COMMERCIAL 

Sure, it looks like soap, but it also looks like something else.

^{And it’s all over her hands and her face.}

You think these commercials are for girls? Think again. They’re to convince boys to buy their girlfriends facewash, and Hayden is behind the conspiracy.

BRING IT ON: ALL OR NOTHING 

Hayden krumping. HAYDEN. KRUMPING. Need I say more? She’s a white blond girl and she’s krumping. Krumping?! And the weird dubbing makes it even creepier.

CANDIES PHOTOSHOOT

You gotta love the dirty little photoshoots they always get these young ingenues to dress like slutty school girls.  By the way, Chris Hansen is still standing behind you.  He’s doing the crossword puzzle in his paper waiting for you to play the next clip.

"WAKE UP CALL" MUSIC VIDEO 

The inevitable music video. Every hot, young, famous actress has to cut a record. And what’s really weird is that they all sound the same. But Hayden does don enough dark eyeliner in the video to make me question her morals, so that’s cool.

I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER 

So far this is as close as we’re getting to seeing some frontal nudity from Hayden. Maybe if that right role comes around that really challenges her as an actress and the nude scene is crucial to the story then she’ll take it all off. But until then we have to deal with staged-boob-blockage and frustrating back skin. 

– IAN SOBEL

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