In news that the world met with a resigned “Why the fuck not? This might as well happen,” Hasbro announced that Hungry Hungry Hippos and Action Man were being adapted, twisted, and just generally warped and mangled in order to become works resembling movies. Producer Mark Emmett conveyed that he would like to spend less than $100 million on the story of four plastic hippos that eat marbles.

That last sentence ought to demonstrate just how far we as a people have backslid. None of us deserve to live. Not even our grandparents. ESPECIALLY not our grandparents. They had every opportunity to stop this from happening.

Though the plot is not divulged (and possibly doesn’t exist, nor ever will), I’m hoping for an origin story. WHY are these hippos so hungry? What motivates them? The American dream? Will they get disillusioned? Are there Willy Loman parallels here?

The answer to all those questions and more is:

“Ugh.”

I’m not naive enough to think anything other than money is guiding the hands behind this film series, but do they need to be so crass about it? I mean, announcing this Transformers news at a toy convention? Because sales of the Dark of the Moon‘s character’s toys were so slow? Ugh. At least have Michael Bay fax a pre-written press release from his yacht in Turk and Caicos or something.

These new characters will be hitting the screen at some point in 2014, by which point we will probably dead of our own hands. But if not…

…new Transformers characters. Yaayyyyyyyyyy?

Columbia Pictures has announced that they are taking a stab at a film adaptation of the beloved (does that word mean anything anymore?) board game, with Sandler attached to star, and the wretched Happy Madison banner producing.

I was holding out hope that Candyland would serve as a canvas for baroque production design and artful direction. The director selection (the dude who did Enchanted) elicits a profound “gunh!” from me, and the Sandler news brought nothing but a single solitary tear. Rather than getting those things I was hoping for, I will get Princess Lolly sounding like Sandler’s Jewish Grandmother character, and the Gingerbread People will be Sandler’s buddies that he keeps working with no matter how much they detract from a film.

I’m looking for a silver lining here, and I guess that it’s this: I don’t have to see this film and neither do you.

Seeing how Paranormal Activity 3 was just released today in the heat of the Halloween season, let’s take a look at some other Hasbro properties that could easily be reimagined as horror films.

Michael Bay and Hasbro execs are producing Ouija, and I assume top-quality storytelling is at the top of their to-do list. Plot details are still murky, though it’s been described as “a four-quadrant supernatural adventure centering around a family.” If there’s one thing movie-goers care about, it’s marketing quadrants. Ghosts care about them too. It’s why when Universal executives were considering the project, they asked the ghosts of film legends past via Ouija board, “does this movie hit all four quadrants?” The ghosts spelled out, “S-T-O-P… R-U-I-N-I-N-G… M-O-V-I-E-S…” (Hollywood Reporter)

“It’s a very human and personal story. It’s not really ‘Wall Street,’ not at all,” he explained. “It’s a fictionalized story of a family, and there’s a lot of intrigue in the story. Suffice it to say, it’s a story about a family with a history, and we’re projecting that into current times. But it’s not ‘Wall Street.’ It’s more about property ownership and of the play-pattern of the game.”

So it’s gonna be just like Wall Street. Got it. Production will start… uh, sometime. When Scott is ready to pass go.

With all these board game adaptations coming out, like Battleship and Risk, I’m already getting bored with board games – and the movies haven’t even come out yet. I wish toy companies would leave the movies alone, or instead make more board games based on movies. I’d play Saw: The Board Game. It’d be like Mouse Trap, but with deadlier traps, like a pit of needles. That’s some serious win as far as I’m concerned. (MTV News)

From what I gathered by watching the commercials, the first GI Joe was intricately plotted and very sophisticated, like that scene where the thing blows up. If you didn’t watch the first one, but decided to catch the currently-in-development GI Joe 2, how would you know that things blew up? According to a recent interview, Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner “made sure” that the script for GI Joe 2 wouldn’t require any knowledge from the first one. He’s proud of the script, penned by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick (Zombieland).

“We have a really good script and we’re right now talking to a number of directors.”

“In many ways, it’ll be great for the people who saw the first one, but you don’t need to have studied every element of the first one to enjoy the second. We’ve made sure that that’s the case.”

I hope you won’t need to have seen GI Joe 1, but you will need to have memorized the GI Joe animated movie from 1987, and if you haven’t, you are totally boned. Or should I say Roadblock-ed? Nah, I’m going with boned. Yo Joe! (Screenrant)

Taylor Lautner has too many toys in his sandbox. After yanking both Mattel‘s Max Steel and Hasbro‘s Stretch Armstrong away from his peers while screaming, "Mine!", his Hollywood parents told him to make a decision. Lautner decided on Stretch, throwing Max back to the less fortunate, uglier, smellier kids to fight over.   

An insider who carries Lautner’s bag of wet wipes and binkies told Vulture, "When you sign on to make a movie with Hasbro, you know it will be in theaters a year later." Well said, overbearing Hollywood stagemother. I would assume Lautner would want to play a sweet futuristic character like Max Steel over a man with skin issues, but maybe he has opposing thoughts about what is cool. Or daddy demanded he abide by his decision or get the belt again.