Because no one’s really impressed or amused by your heavy-handed Austin Powers impression anyway.

The Big Lebowski

This film doesn’t hold up quite so well. It’s not that the years haven’t been that kind to it. It’s as relevant as it was when it was released. It’s just that we’re not 12 anymore, so jokes about an old man beating up a younger slob with anger issues isn’t that intriguing. Also, when you think about it, eating pieces of shit for breakfast is pretty foul.

Acceptable holdout: Anything Chubbs-related. “You’re acting like a damn fool,” especially.

Dumb and Dumber

You know what? I made a mistake. This one should stay. I was thinking about usable quotes, and there are just too many. This film offers wonderful lines about Aspen, John Denver being full of shit, being statistically more likely to die on the way to the airport, and dead pet parakeets.

Acceptable holdout: Eh, pretty much all of them, as long as that fella over there is Sea Bass.

The Magical Negro is a black character introduced in a work of fiction that finds a white protagonist in his moment of doubt, and teaches him a lesson or offers up some grand revelation, only to disappear the second their purpose has been served. The term was popularized during a Spike Lee speech in 2001, in which he dismissed this archetype while speaking to a group of film students. The characters aren’t always “magical” in the literal sense, but are often insightful or enlightened in a way that the protagonist isn’t. They also exhibit other exaggerated traits, such as empathy, patience, and a desire to talk to strange white people. The introduction of such characters has been criticized for being trite, lazy, and of course, they have been interpreted as racist.

I’m not really inclined to discuss the racist implications of such characters, though I feel the implication does exist, as the characters often work menial jobs or are criminal, and are treated as a curiosity that facilitates storytelling rather than enriching it.

So, without (much) commentary, here is an inexhaustive inventory of Magical Negroes in films, and what purpose they serve in their contexts.

Dick Hallorann – The Shining

The groundskeeper, played by Scatman Crothers, has a telepathic ability to communicate with youngster Danny. This gift is of course the titular “shining,” and it serves as a harbinger that not all is right at this hotel. Of course, once Jack Nicholson descends into madness and we’re already capable of figuring that out on our own, Dick is killed off with an axe.

Cash – The Family Man

You best believe that a Brett Ratner-directed film is going to a hackneyed and mildly offensive character in it! In the film, Nicholas Cage plays an executive asshole who is shown how his life could have been different by a criminal named Cash (played by Don Cheadle). Cash serves as a sort of spirit guide, and embodies the idea of “playing-against-type” that is inherent in the Magical Negro construct, in which a down and out or “second-class citizen” offers the better-off white protagonist the secrets to life.

John Coffey – The Green Mile

Michael Clarke Duncan plays John Coffey, a gentle giant on death row for supposedly raping and killing two white girls. Here, the character plays against type as he’s depicted as being about 17 feet tall, but having a childlike innocence about him, fearing the dark and constantly crying.

Coffey is soon revealed to have magical powers, healing Tom Hank’s character’s urinary tract infection (Wait. What?) and the warden’s ailing wife. He also manages to resurrect a mouse. It is later demonstrated that Coffey is innocent, though he chooses to die anyway because of all the suffering in the world, or something like that.

Right about now, numerous online hacks like myself are working on editorials decrying Sandler for his lazy, brainless films (this coming from people who write “lists” all day). Many of these editorials will try to figure out why Sandler continues to churn out such shitty films. The real question is why in the world should he bust his ass and put out a quality product when it’s sure to be met with lukewarm box-office numbers. On the other hand, he can cram Kevin James and a bunch of poop jokes down our throats, and we’ll throw money at him like there’s no tomorrow. Sandler’s critical successes (all four of them) have brought in less than $200 million. On the other hand, his critical failures have brought in close to $2 billion. Yes, billion with a ‘b’. And of his 12 films that have grossed over $100 million, not one has been above 50% on RottenTomatoes.com. Clearly, he’s just giving the people what they want, and apparently, they want shitty, shitty movies. Take a look at the infographic below and see for yourself.

(Click the image to enlarge…)

Graphic by Jame Gumb and Noah Griffith

In Happy Gilmore, she played the displaced grandmother on whose behalf Happy took up golf in the hopes of saving her home from that rotten bastard Shooter McGavin. I hate that guy sooooooo much.

Bay was also a memorable Seinfeld character, playing a bakery customer who was unwilling to sell the last marble rye to Jerry for $50, forcing him to steal it.

She hadn’t done much of note in recent years, but she’sup in heaven with Chubbs now, probably wearing KISS makeup.

I used to get pissed off when I’d hear someone say that. First of all, it should be “Sandler’s movies,” not “Sandler movies.” Not that I’m a grammar Nazi, but come on! Second, what‘s not to like?

When pressed, most Sandler haters would reply with something along the lines of “his movies are stupid.” Of course they’re stupid. Most comedies are. But Sandler’s don’t pretend to be anything more. If you want something “intellectual,” go whack off to Vicky Cristina Barcelona. I prefer to laugh.

But after seeing the painfully unfunny trailers for Grown Ups earlier this year, something changed. The previews looked so downright depressing that I began to question my loyalty. That’s when it hit me. I hadn’t seen a Sandler movie in a theater since Punch Drunk Love, and that‘s not even a comedy. To complicate matters, I hadn’t even rented one of his films since then, and the few I’ve caught on cable have been awful. Looking back, it seems there wasn’t even a loyalty for me to question. As it turns out, I would rather whack off to Vicky Cristina Barcelona than sit through The Longest Yard. Jesus Christ! What the hell happened?

The Easy Answer: I Grew Up

I was in high school when Billy Madison came out. Now I’m over 30. I’ve got a wife, 19 kids, and my own reality show on TLC. I’ve become a responsible adult who spends his time working, changing diapers and watching shitty sitcoms (“Modern Family” is my fav). My tastes have matured. The fart jokes I used to find funny now seem childish. I no longer drink Natty Light, and I no longer like Adam Sandler’s films. Case closed.

But wait a minute! That can’t be right. I spend my days writing dick jokes and photoshopping tits onto Steve Buscemi. Just last week, one of my children almost drowned in the bathtub while I was stoned out of my mind watching “Tim and Eric: Awesome Show, Great Job!” (I defy you to find a more immature show that’s not geared toward children). Hell, I even laughed out loud at Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (A Happy Madison production). In my defense, I was wasted, but so help me God, I still laughed. Clearly, my tastes have not matured to the point where I can no longer appreciate stupid humor. So what the hell happened?

The Easier Answer: Sandler Got Old

I hate to bitch about a guy whose dickhead is more successful than I will ever be. After all, who in the hell am I to judge anyone? Well, right now I’m the guy who’s getting paid $12 to write this article about Adam Sandler, and you can’t write an accurate article about Adam Sandler without acknowledging that almost every comedy he’s made since The Wedding Singer has been a turd. And I don’t think that’s an accident. 

Before The Wedding Singer, Sandler made Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore, arguably his funniest films. In fact, some might say they were his only truly funny movies. Both were filled with juvenile humor, but they also contained some hilariously absurd moments: sniper Steve Buscemi, seemingly dead clown, and the ghost of Abe Lincoln, just to name a few. More importantly, in both films, Sandler plays a character who, for lack of a better word, is an asshole. That’s not to say the characters weren’t likeable, but Billy and Happy were rude, selfish pricks. At the end of the film, they may have gotten the girl and shown minimal signs of self improvement, but they were still assholes, and that’s why we liked them.

Then came The Wedding Singer (we’ll go ahead and forget about Bulletproof). In the film, Sandler played a character who was a genuinely nice guy, not an obnoxious man-child. The role allowed him to branch out beyond his typical young-male audience and achieve mainstream success. I remember being slightly horrified upon hearing my mother talk about how much she liked the Adam Sandler movie she saw during a plane ride to visit my grandma. But she was right. It was a decent movie that could appeal to both young men and middle-aged women.

From that point on, you can see a dramatic shift in Sandler’s films. Sure, from time to time he’d still play a goofball character (Little Nicky, The Waterboy) or an asshole (Anger Management). But for the most part, Sandler’s movies have tried to appeal to women and, or families: 50 First Dates, Click, Big Daddy, etc. Even his character in Mr. Deeds was an all around nice-guy rube rather than a bull-headed prick. After The Wedding Singer, his core audience of childish douche bags was forced into the background in the name of box office returns. While the move has proved extremely profitable, the resulting films have been shit.

When it comes to comedies, critical reception can often be ignored. But when 50 First Dates is one of your highest rated films on Rotten Tomatoes (44% positive), there’s a problem. Friggen MacGruber (48%) has a better rating than Grown Ups (9%) Chuck and Larry (14%) and Bedtime Stories (24%) combined. Yeah, MacGruber! And yes, Funny People (67%) is the exception, but you could stick Larry the Cable Guy in an Apatow film and it would at least clear 50%.

So Did I Grow Up, or Did He Grow Old?
While the real answer is probably somewhere in between, the negative reception of Sandler’s films is due mostly to the fact that Sandler turned away from his core audience. Sure, the juvenile humor is still there, but rather than pushing it to the absurd, it gets tapered with romantic comedy clichés and forced family fun.

If anything, nostalgia caused people, myself included, to defend his films as they became more and more indefensible. The fact that Sandler himself seems to be a genuinely nice guy who takes care of his friends (Rob Schneider) only adds to his likeability. That’s why it’s nice to see him show up in a decent movie like Funny People. But anyone who claims that his waning popularity is simply a matter of his audience getting older is missing the point. Most of us would still pay to see something as stupid and childish as Billy Madison, as long as it was funny. But just because we’ve grown up doesn’t mean we’ll sit through f*cking Grown Ups.