I guess this should be considered a teaser, but it gives away a little too much info to be named such. I prefer deeming it a “bad trailer” and just moving on. At least all the characters seem handsome. So that’s pretty badass.

Confusing, because the film Hannibal took place AFTER Silence of the Lambs, but recent history indicates that NBC knows exactly what they’re doing and needn’t be questioned by anyone. Not shareholders, not critics…no one.

Anderson joins Hugh Dancy, Eddie Izzard, and sketch comedy alums Molly Shannon and Scott Thompson. I feel the need to remind you that, again, NBC knows exactly what they’re doing, so you can just save your breath, Buster.

Making Jackson’s decision all the more conspicuous is the fact that he’ll be preceding the project with back-to-back Hobbit films. I guess he views Tintin as a vacation, much as we viewed the first one a vacation for Spielberg. Unfortunately, Jackson isn’t alone in tacking his name onto a tired or beaten property, as this list of great directors who tackle bad franchises would indicate.

Read this list, then bite your lip and imagine what they could have done.

Brett Ratner – Red Dragon

Red Dragon, though not a terrible film, seemed like a horrible waste of resources for many involved, mainly due to the tremendous dip in quality from The Silence of the Lambs to its sequel, Hannibal. Red Dragon was prequel to the series, and a remake of Michael Mann’s film Manhunter. Dragon starred Anthony Hopkins, Edward Norton, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Ralph Fiennes and Harvey Keitel. While I would say that the film was didn’t maximize much of the talent involved, its most glaring shortcoming was in the direction by Brett Ratner, who serves as a pretty strong action-comedy director, but can’t seem to steer away from that genre successfully.

So this could prequel/remake was outside of Ratner’s wheelhouse, but even if it wasn’t, we would have probably enjoyed a different Ratner film more, provided it wasn’t Rush Hour 2.5 or something.

Gus Van Sant – Psycho

Gus Van Sant is a fine, fine director, and Psycho is an American classic. It’s for these two reasons that these two things should never have been close enough to touch. Van Sant went whole hog with the “homage” concept and directed the film as a shot-for-shot remake, adding virtually nothing to the story, save for some color and a new cast.

The film probably achieved exactly what Van Sant intended, which is the reason that so many critics and viewers alike were wondering what the purpose of this whole exercise was.

Having obviously failed to check the ratings of its current mid-season show, The Firm, NBC is back at it again, this time picking up 13 episodes of Hannibal, based on the Thomas Harris (The Silence of the Lambs) novel that follows around the sociopathic killer Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

Never mind that the series has been more or less beaten into the ground with Red Dragon and Hannibal Rises, and never mind that it’s on NBC, where the violent and language and Anthony Hopkins and everything that made the stories great won’t be allowed. Wait. No. Definitely DO mind those things. Because those are all the reasons this will be crappy.

Then there’s the matter of casting Hannibal. Who would play the monster that is now deeply entrenched in Anthony Hopkins’ canon?

Probably Ted Danson, right?

Two neti pot users in Louisiana died after improper handling and maintenance of the sinus-clearing nasal kettle. No, they didn’t drown or stuff them up their butts. Rather, they died in the worst possible way — by falling victim to brain-eating amoeba. AAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! Stay away from my grandmother, Neti Pot!!!

What better way to move past this tragedy than by laughing at it? Well, stop putting Louisiana tap water in your brain would be a good start. Other than that, we should take a walk down memory lane to recall the best instances of brain eating in film before the neti pot amoebas devour those memories.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Ricardo Montalban has the coolest stuff. Not only does he have his own midget, but in Star Trek II he uses Ceti eels to overthrow his enemies. The burrowing desert animal crawls into its victim’s ear and wraps around the cerebral cortex, leaving their host very susceptible to outside suggestion. As the eel grows, their host begins to suffer from madness before their eventual death. Is it any coincidence that ‘ceti’ rhymes with ‘neti’? I think not.

Skyline

In Skyline, aliens descend upon Los Angeles in order to feed upon sweet, sweet douchebag brains. The story centers on survivors trapped inside of a high-rise condominium as aliens continuously invade and suck the brains out of their victims — thus providing them with the energy they need to take over the planet. Fun fact: sitting through this movie in its entirety made me feel my brain had also been removed.

I managed to get through this whole article without grossing myself out, then I came back to write the intro, and that McRib description just made my stomach turn. At any rate, here are 10 movie foods more disgusting than the McRib. Bon appétit.

Auntie Lee’s Meat Pies – Auntie Lee’s Meat Pies

PEOPLE! AUNTIE LEE’S MEAT PIES ARE MADE OF PEOPLE!

Well, that secret’s out. I suppose that if I was to eat a person, a meat pie wouldn’t be the worst way to do it. It’s better than human sashimi. For those mercifully unfamiliar, Auntie Lee would lure drifters to her trap using hot girls, then grind them up for her pies. I suppose it’s not so gross considering they’re free-range drifters, rather than drifters kept in a cage and loaded with hormones, but still. You could use Niman Ranch pork and no one would know the difference, Auntie Lee!

Plus, anyone who orders a meat pie deserves whatever they get. Yeah, that’s right Britain. I said it.

Fetus Dumplings – Dumplings