Christopher Chaney was found guilty of hacking into Johansson’s email and leaking sexy pictures she’d taken of herself. He was also found guilty of doing the same thing to Mila Kunis, Christina Aguilera, and a dozen more. “I don’t know what else to say except I’m sorry. This will never happen again,” Chaney said in his sentencing. Thank goodness. I hazard to imagine the embarrassment if my dick pics fell into your hands.

Ten years may seem like a harsh punishment, but keep in mind he could have received up to 60 years in jail. Which I think would be too extreme. A more fitting punishment would be to take nude photos of Chaney and send them to a girl that he likes. (Reuters)

The project is untitled, but will probably end up being called something like Trojan Code, so let’s just call it Trojan Code until it’s released. The source material is an article from men’s lifestyle mag GQ and can be found here.

Other guesses about the projects:

• Wahlberg’s character will either be named or fight someone named Cypher Phreak.
• There will be at least twenty scenes that show hackers as really edgy members of a subculture who drink at a hacker bar and have very well-attended underground hacker competitions.
• The antagonist (undoubtedly a corporate man) will be brought down thanks to the camaraderie and grassroots efforts of hundreds of hackers working together as though they were a brotherhood.
• A maximum of one hacker will be fat and lethargic, and will be shown in a comedic light, and not a light that makes the audience feel sad that his health is in jeopardy and that’s what’s wrong with America these days.

There are a number of technological films that have stood the test of time (Sneakers, The Matrix), but they’re few and far between. For the most part, these films are relatively thoughtless cash-ins on the zeitgeist, as you’ll see from the entrants on this list.

Masterminds

In Masterminds, kids are hacking into secure networks. (I promise the reason behind their hacking doesn’t warrant mentioning.) The entirety of this film treats hacking like a game or contest, a playful nuisance that companies don’t take seriously.

Case in point: This clip, which shows that the network has found an illegal intruder in its network. Rather than terminating the connection with the hacker, the system inexplicably gives him two minutes to find a valid entry into the server. Because hackers deserve a second chance immediately after being caught.

And though the site does try to track the location of the hacker, it kindly informs the hacker of this fact as well. Which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but these types of movies rarely do.

Hackers

Didn’t you know that most computer experts look like Jonny Lee Miller and Angelina Jolie? They totally do. Also, it wouldn’t be a cliché hacker movie (it’s called Hackers, after all) if the characters didn’t use handles like Acid Burn, The Plague, The Phantom Phreak, and Cereal Killer. Hot stuff.

While there are many unbelievable moments in the film that subscribes to the adage “Hackers can do anything at all, because everything is tied to computers,” what takes the cake is the last hack in the film. While relaxing on a building rooftop, the hackers look out at the Manhattan skyline and see the words “crash and burn” spelled out in building windows. That’s a pretty silly use of time and energy. Also, it’s completely f*cking impossible.

I was lead to this belief by the popular films that feature hackers doing what seems to be the impossible. Here are some films that show us that government agencies, corporations and even alien space ships are surprisingly easy to hack.

The Italian Job – Los Angeles Traffic Grid

Getting places in Los Angeles can be a bitch. But as The Italian Job shows, things are much worse when a hacker takes over and controls all of the traffic lights. Plus, he was able to do it over a T-Mobile Hotspot at LAX.

Hackers – Oil Tankers

The gang in this movie is on the run because they possess a code that can capsize oil tankers. Why would that code exist? It’s not like oil tankers have big, red ‘CAPSIZE’ buttons on them. I hope.

Ocean’s 11 – Casino Security

With millions of dollars passing through them everyday, casinos need top of the line security. With out it, they could find themselves easily duped by a hacker who redirects their video feed, which could allow for the dreaded “tiny Asian man in a box” scam.

It’s dismissive to assume that a film that fails to hold up after twenty or ten or two years is the result of a change in the viewer. Many of these films were not designed to hold up. Sprinkled with popular references, dated soundtracks, and borderline-retarded notions of what the future had in store for us, some films have a cultural shelf life that’s about as long as an episode of Access Hollywood.

The durability of films from this era is a curious phenomenon. One movie that completely exists in its time, like Clueless, holds up extremely well, having made the transition from “topical” to “charming,” while a movie like Wayne’s World captures a similar point in time and a similar niche, also developing its own weird vocabulary for its characters. I use these two examples because a) they act as an example and a cautionary tale, respectively, and b) both of these films were extremely well-received and regarded as “important” in their day.

So how does Clueless stay with us after these years, while Wayne’s World shakes out as borderline unwatchable? (Wayne’s World 2 even more so, but mostly because it’s just a terrible film)

These are just two examples of films that either fight or give in to the ravages of time. Comedies seem especially prone, as does any film that tries to tell us what the future will be like. The recipe to make a film popular at the time of its release is by no means the same one used to insure it’s popularity a decade, or even a few years later.

The touch-points required to last aren’t exactly rocket science, but striking the balance between contemporary relevance and durability is bit trickier. In order to ensure that I can sit around like a beached whale on Sundays while enjoying the highest caliber of entertainment from the past 20 years, I’ve compiled a definitive guide of how things should be done so that I may enjoy your film in 2017 as much as I enjoyed it in 2011.

You’re welcome in advance, Hollywood.

Stay Away From Technology You Don’t Understand. Seriously. Stay Away From It. You Never Will Never Get It Right And You Will Look Ridiculous.

Before I go any further with the categories and examples, it warrants mentioning that a bad movie, no matter how much it sticks to these magnificent guidelines I’m  laying out, won’t stand the test of time. It won’t be popular or “good” when it’s at its most relevant, so don’t expect it to age from vinegar to wine as time marches on. Bad movies will always be bad, whereas good movies can remain as such, or lose their luster over time.

Bad Examples: Disclosure, The Lawnmower Man, The Net, Hackers, Jurassic Park

Good Examples: You’ve Got Mail, Sneakers, Enemy of the State, Back to the Future 2, Jurassic Park

Make reasonable assumptions about the future of technology. When you make huge leaps forward, at least do them with enough creativity that they seem like an inspired inclusion (powerlaces, hoverboards, dinosaur cloning) rather than some half-assed stab at what the future might bring (any scene from 1991-1997 that involved virtual reality, hackers with nose rings).

If your cool characters are “techies,” make them cool people that happen to be techies, like in Sneakers, rather than people who are cool because they’re techies, like in Hackers or that obnoxious little girl Lex from Jurassic Park.

Move forward simply and no one will get hurt. You’ve Got Mail, while not a personal favorite, added simple logical elements (email, internet dating) to staid concepts (pen pals, blind dating). While AOL might as well be making buggy whips these days, the genetics of the concept nonetheless read as quaint, rather than ephemeral.

If you’re going to dabble in technology, think long and hard about how this will look in one short decade if you’re wrong. Don’t worry about what happens if you’re right. It happens so rarely, it’s not really worth considering.

Celebrity Cameos: Bob Barker, But Not Jerry Springer

Bad Examples: Austin Powers 2, Dodgeball, Friends with Benefits

Good Examples: Singles, Wayne’s World, Zoolander, Happy Gilmore, Jerry Maguire

If you want to allow your viewers to watch the film without being ripped out of its universe, don’t toss in some flavor-of-the-month that people will have to rack their brain to understand the significance of years after it occurs. Having your characters resolve their problems on The Jerry Springer Show wasn’t particularly inspired when Austin Powers 2 did it in 1999. It seems downright lazy and unfunny now, just like the Springer show itself. Same with Shaun White in Friends with Benefits, Ryan Seacrest in Knocked Up, and Tabitha Soren (or anyone from MTV) in Black Sheep’s painfully dated “Rock the Vote” scene. (Shame on you, Mudhoney. Shame on your eyes.)

Topical cameos can be funny, so long as they’re absurd or relevant enough to hold up. I wouldn’t want to live in a world where Billy Zane didn’t pop up in Zoolander, nor Pearl Jam in Singles. The fact remains that, in these universes, Zane was supposed to be at that fashion show and walk-off, and Pearl Jam were supposed to be dicking around at a coffee shop in Seattle in 1992. Dr. Evil and Scotty weren’t supposed to be on Springer, but they were there nonetheless. And it doesn’t feel right.

Bob Barker wasn’t supposed to be beating the living hell out of Happy Gilmore, but the absurdity of it sells it, because Bob Barker is so not supposed to be in the film, let alone punching Happy. That it’s ridiculous enough to swing back around to durable.

Further: No reality television star references or appearances. Ever.  No one in 2025 will be happy that Omarosa or Evan Marriott appeared in an Adam Sandler film. You probably don’t even know who those people are, which solidifies my point.

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