Sadly, I don’t have many rodent friends in real life. I keep a clean house and largely steer clear of Koreatown, so most of my rodent encounters are in the movies. But that doesn’t mean they’re any less profound. Here are five furry rodents that bring me enough joy to fight off the crippling pain of the nightmare that is my life.

Fievel Mousekowitz – An American Tail

I’ll be honest, when I was introduced to Fievel in 1986, I was six years old and the Cold War was still in full swing. Needless to say, as a red-blooded American boy, there was no one on this earth I hated more than that Commie rat bastard.

However, a few years later, Rocky IV taught me that we all can change, and as I grew, I realized that not only was it time to forgive, but that An American Tail took place in 1885, long before such a thing as communism even existed. As such, I began to empathize and even like Fievel as a symbol of not only the American Dream, but as a an adorable mouse, albeit a filthy Russian one.

I’ll be honest. I still have pretty mixed feelings about Fievel Mousekowitz, even now. But I want to stop hating him for being Russian, so putting him on this list is a small step for me.

Theodore the Chipmunk – Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

I’m not THAT partial to Theodore, but I wanted to include a Chipmunk, and I find the other two insufferable. Alvin is a Paris Hilton-type who would probably wither up and die if he didn’t get attention for three seconds, and Simon is like a furry Woody Allen, which is better than a regular Woody Allen, but still not that great.

Theodore is fat and dumb, just like most of my friends, so it’s pretty clear that I have a type. Also, Theodore’s innocence would make it easy for me to exploit him, which I would definitely do.

We figured, since he’s so famous, what would happen if some other well known celebs traded places with Phil for the day. Here are the creepy, creepy results. Dreamworks Animation, please don’t steal this idea.

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It’s Groundhog Day. And unless you’re some sort of Bill Murray-hating mutant, the holiday invokes fond memories of the classic Harold Ramis film about Phil Conners, an arrogant weatherman who is forced to relive the same day over and over again.

The filmmakers chose the holiday because they felt it was the most mundane. And while spending an eternity stuck in Punxsutawney would surely be maddening, it could be worse. Here are 9 days that make being stuck in Groundhog Day look good by comparison.

Training Day

It’s one thing to be stuck in small-town Pennsylvania. Unless you’re over the age of 60, the undeniable quaintness can’t make up for the overwhelming boredom. That being said, Punxsutawney seems delightful when compared to the drug-infested, gang-controlled world of South Central L.A. depicted in Training Day. On top of the dangers inherent in any police job, you’d have to wake up every da knowing your partner is a corrupt bastard who has no problem killing you. Of course, I guess you could always call in sick and go do something fun instead of going to work. But since a blizzard blocks Phil from leaving Punxsutawney, I imagine the same rules apply in this scenario, and an endless traffic jam would keep you from heading to the beach.

The Longest Day

Yeah, spending eternity in Groundhog Day would be lik fighting a never-ending battle, metaphorically speaking. That said, it sure beats the hell out of fighting an actual battle, and that’s exactly what you’d be doing if you were stuck in The Longest Day. Watching your friends die as you stormed the same beach day after day would be horrifying. But at least you wouldn’t have to hear Sonny and Cher sing “I Got You Babe” every time you woke up.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

I’m fond of the original version of this film, and I’m not going to ruin it by watching the remake. (Spoiler Alert) That being said, if I’m going to relive one day over and over again, it better not be the day when Earth loses all of its electrical power. I’ve got an XBox to play, you alien bitch!

Day of the Dead

On the one hand, spending the rest of your existence fighting zombie hordes would be a horrible thing. But if you’re in a zombie apocalypse, you’re pretty much stuck in that situation regardless. At least with the Groundhog Day scenario, you have the piece of mind of knowing that if you are bitten by the undead, you’ll wake up with a fresh start. Even so, I’ll take Groundhog Day.

The Day After Tomorrow

Watching environmental disasters unfold and cause massive amounts of destruction would actually be kind of cool if you knew that no matter what happened, you’d wake up again the next day. However, would you really want to spend day after day listening to the same shitty dialogue? It’s a pretty horrifying thought. On a side note, the plot to Groundhog Day is actually more believable than The Day After Tomorrow.

Knight and Day

Imagine waking up day after day knowing that you had to hang out with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. Yeah, not a pleasant thought, is it? Suddenly, Ned Ryerson seems a whole lot more tolerable. He might try to sell you insurance, but at least he won’t try to convert you to Scientology.

Remains of the Day

You think small-town Pennsylvania is dull? Try spending your days as a lonely butler in the English countryside. Oh, by the way, it’s the early 1930’s, your boss is a Nazi sympathizer who treats you with contempt, and the woman you love (whom you work with every day) is going to marry some asshole. At least in Groundhog Day, Phil gets laid from time to time.

Daylight

What’s worse than being stuck in a tunnel that’s about to be flooded? Having an over-the-hill Sylvester Stallone as your only chance of escape. And even if he does get you to safety, you’re just going to wake up in the same situation the next day. It’s like Sisyphus pushing his boulder up the hill, except the myth of Sisyphus is a lot more entertaining than Daylight.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Liquid-Metal cyborgs, mental institutions, nuclear annihilation: Terminator 2: Judgment Day has it all. But does being hunted by a robot for all eternity sound like fun to you? Unless it’s some sort of sexbot, the answer is no. Although now that I think about it, being hunted by a sexbot is going on my bucket list.

I like Groundhog Day, but I hate to laugh. If only there was a movie that met my needs!

Finally, my prayers have been answered thanks to Carl Bessai’s Repeaters.

The film plays with the Groundhog Day stuck-in-a-time-loop concept, but twists it into a “aggressive, fast-paced thriller “that addresses the morals of starting over with a clean slate every day in some of the most extreme ways.

If you ask me, this concept is long overdue. Every time I watch Groundhog Day, I wonder why Bill Murray doesn’t lash out at the townspeople in a violent, consequence-free orgy of blood and mayhem. And I’ve found myself pondering that question on a regular basis ever since my doctor started weaning me off Wellbutrin. (First Showing)

Watch the trailer for Repeaters, the evil Groundhog Day, after the jump…

Doug Liman is officially on board to direct All You Need Is Kill, Empire Online is reporting.  Based on the 2004 sci-fi novel by Hiroshi Sakurazaka, the film will follow the story of a soldier who is killed whil fighting aliens, but finds himself caught in a time loop, reliving the events leading up to his death over and over again. With each subsequent death, the character improves his skills while attempting to break the cycle.

This really makes me mad. Warner Bros. acted like I was nuts when I pitched them my idea for a mash-up of Starship Troopers and Groundhog Day. They kept telling me things like "you’re not authorized to be in here" and "put your pants back on." Well, we’ll see who’s crazy when they get a call from my lawyer, Robert Kardashian.