Living in Los Angeles, I have been bombarded with this image and commercials on bus stops, buses, and countless other non-bus related avenues:

I find this offensive. Not offensive to men, though it probably is, and not offensive to women, though it probably is offensive to them as well. I find it offensive to people who go through their day-to-day lives without having to congratulate themselves on completing the ordinary tasks that life (business, family, and social) requires.

A few of the things that we’re not expected to know how she does them:

“Make coffee”
“Organize files” (whatever the fuck that means)
“Schedule meeting”
“Lunch”

Also, at the top of the poster “pick up dinner” is listed while the fourth item from the bottom appears to be “make dinner.” And, directly in front of her navel, she needs to “make dinner reservations.” I’m not going to feel sorry for someone who consumes three dinners per day. I’m sorry, I’m just not.

If the movie is to have us believe that she’s so high-powered, the script writers should have educated themselves on an economic concept called opportunity cost. The third item on the list is “fix the leak.” Why is this high-powered businesswoman doing her own plumbing? Either she is really poor, or she is an idiot. Either way, the producers are selling us on a paradox. Gordon Gekko doesn’t mow his lawn because the value of his time is somewhere north of $10,000 per hour. She can outsource some of these tasks. That’s the very reason a lot of people work so hard – so they don’t have to fix leaks.

Going through the balance of the list, you’ll see that SJP’s tasks constitute the most mundane to-do list in history. She’s not special. She’s just like everyone else. Sadly, the producers (or marketing team or whoever) can’t even create this list without redundancies such as “check email,” then a little lower on the list, the hopelessly vague “email.”

To anyone with any semblance of a life, this list isn’t all that daunting or even unfamiliar. So why is she so great, and, more importantly, why can’t we understand how she does it? I would think that if she works hard at the office, then works hard raising her kids, that would suffice in “doing it.”

People who have kids aren’t oblivious to the notion of raising them. SJP didn’t become the court-ordered guardian of two orphans after losing a wager. She had unprotected sex (presumably) on two separate occasions, became aware of her pregnancy at some point thereafter, gestated and birthed them. Which is great. Miracle of life and whatnot.

What is not great is acting like you’re climbing a mountain every day of your life because now you have these children. If I go to the housewares sections of a department store with a baseball bat and destroy all their nice flatware and vases, I forfeit the right to complain about how I don’t have any money because I have to pay for all the stuff I broke. It’s the same principal as the act the producers are pulling in regards to SJP’s character.

Tons of people get through the day without complaining about having to make coffee or check their email. You know what’s hard? Raising kids without a white-collar job. If you can afford a nanny and don’t hire one, but still bitch about how busy you are, you’re not brave. You’re an asshole.

I’ve gone and upset myself with this piece, so there are just a few other items I would like to bring up before I eat my first dinner of the evening.

Look at the other poster:

Love that tagline, “If it were easy, men would do it too.” First of all, it’s implying that men don’t do hard things, like fight in wars or see films like this to please their retarded significant others, which is totally untrue.

Secondly, I’m having a hard time pegging what “it” is, but that’s probably the crux of the film. That oh-so-elusive tightrope walk between parenting, career, and love? I know many successful businessmen who are excellent parents, excellent husbands, AND have mistresses. That’s one more element to juggle and they don’t complain about it. You know what they do? They talk about how great their lives are.

If we are supposed to pity Sarah Jessica Parker’s great career, burgeoning love, and beautiful, healthy children, the filmmakers are aggressively barking up the wrong tree. Her life is great, and pretending it’s not, or that it’s harder than ours, is just stupid and condescending.

Here’s the theatrical trailer. See if you can figure out how the shit she does it.

9 photosGoodness Gracious: New Pics Of Olivia Munn In Maxim

Also starring Pierce Brosnan, Greg Kinnear, Christina Hendricks Olivia Munn and Seth Meyers, so if Parker wasn’t the lead, at least the cast would have interested me.

In Salvation Boulevard, Pierce Brosnan plays the charismatic head of a super crazy mega church, who kills an atheist professor (Ed Harris) in front of a deadhead-turned-church-goer Greg Kinnear. This puts Kinnear in great danger – even Jim Gaffigan‘s character tries to kill him. Normally, Gaffigan’s a pretty cool guy, but witness the wrong murder and Gaffigan will take you apart like a hot pocket.

Based on a novel by Larry Beinhart, Salvation Boulevard is directed by George Ratliff.

The Convincer wants to be a quirky indie comedy, but it’s so unlikeable that even the clever parts don’t work. I guess when multiple indie filmmakers decide to do comedies about insurance salesmen, they can’t all be Cedar Rapids.

Mickey (Greg Kinnear) spends a long time narrating the philosophy of a salesman. There’s nothing new, just another sleazy, smarmy fast-talker. He spends his son’s college money on a new car, because he’s so cocky he’ll pay it back before the kid’s 18. He promotes his secretary but won’t give her a raise until his salary review in a month. What a douche. He actually tells his wife “Things are going to be different this time.” Really?

The big score for a desperate Mickey is when he finds out his new client Gorvy Hauer (Alan Arkin) has a valuable antique violin. First he uses it to try to increase Gorvy’s policy, but then he decides to just steal it. It’s not a cool scam. Cool scams are when you play people’s own hubris against them. Just taking advantage of innocents is gross.

Now you’ll want to feel bad for Gorvy but he’s frustratingly annoying too. He wants to pay his premium with a bag of change. Oh, isn’t that so quaint? He’s so scattered and irresponsible, you can’t even count on him to go where he tells you he’s going. He’ll end up somewhere else.

It really seems like this scam is so much work, it would be easier for Mickey to just work hard and make honest money. Mickey tries to negotiate a sale of the violin, then tries to switch the violin with a fake. Do you really want to watch a movie about a big violin score?

The thing is, all this isn’t even what the movie is about. It quickly turns into A Simple Plan knockoff, in the snow to boot. A crazy alarm installer, Randy (Billy Crudup), gets involved and there’s a murder. They have to dispose of the body, Mickey’s accounts get frozen. At least there’s some well deserved consequence for Mickey, but it’s no contribution to the botched crime genre. Is the point that crime doesn’t pay? That’s it?

It’s way too long for such an unlikeable movie. They definitely could have cut a lot of the opening preamble about how much Mickey enjoys being a liar. It’s all leading up to something but the ride is not fun.

Anyway, they say they’re looking for other networks that might be interested, but it seems a little more likely we’ll just have to wait for DVD instead. Don’t forget your dying king, etc. (via The Hollywood Reporter)

I Don’t Know How She Does It is the story of Sarah Jessica Parker as a working mom who, judging by the title, wows her peers who just don’t know how she accomplishes all that stuff that looms over 40 year-old women The box office breakdown is expected to be 95% women and 5% sad, broken men. Kinnear will play her husband and Curtin will play Parker’s mom. The film is based on the Allison Pearson novel of the same name.

All those critical of having to hear SJP whine about how hard it is to be a single professional in SATC now get to hear her whine about how hard it is to be a married professional in IDKHSDI. (Don’t expect that acronym to catch on.)(Collider)