When Randy Quaid and his wife Evi fled to Canada to protect themselves from the so-called “Hollywood Star Whackers,” the media was quick to mock and ridicule the couple. After all, the talking heads of the 24-hour news cycle have a vested interest in protecting their shadowy overlords. “Revered journalists” like Brian Williams and Mario Lopez all suck from the same corporate teat, so anything that would disrupt the flow of their putrid financial milk (like the murder of David Carradine and Heath Ledger) is a threat that must be buried. And what better way to bury a story than to discredit the source, in this case, one of America’s most beloved actors, Randy Quaid.

Well, now the media’s chickens have come home to roost. With the recent high-profile death of Hollywood publicist Ronni Chasen, and the alleged suicide of a so-called “person of interest” in the case, the 4th estate can no longer sweep the facts under the rug. The “Hollywood Star Whackers” are real, and they walk among us.

But the real question remains: who is pulling the strings? Is it the Vatican Bank? The Elders of Zion? The Illuminati? Gary Busey? In order to find out, we have to establish motive. And before we can establish motive, we have to acknowledged the crimes. After weeks of painstaking research, I’ve come up with this list of seven probable victims of the “Hollywood Star Whackers.” They are the key to figuring out the “who” and “why”…and god willing, maybe “how much” and “how many.” We’re through the looking glass.

Patrick Swayze

Nobody backs baby in to a corner, especially not some punk ass bitch like cancer. You mean to tell me that the dude who cleaned up the Double Deuce is going to fall to a cluster of uncontrolled cell growth in his pancreas? Not bloody likely. Yeah, he lost a lot of weight, but I’ll bet you dollars to donuts he was being slowly poisoned by his doctors via the “Star Whackers.” That’s why I don’t vaccinate my kids. Doctors; what the hell do they know?

Ronald Reagan

Ronald Reagan may have been the 40th President of the United States, but he was also a well-known actor. This made him a target. It’s said that Reagan passed away in 2004 after a ten-year battle with Alzheimer’s disease. But do they really expect us to believe that a healthy 84-year old could decline so rapidly in the span of a single decade? Something doesn’t add up. If I had to guess, I’d say the “Star Whackers” accelerated the Gipper’s demise by exploiting his sweet-tooth via arsenic-flavored jelly beans.

Bernie Mac

Now listen up, America. Bernie Mac did not die of “sarcoidosis,” whatever the hell that is. The same group that introduced HIV and crack cocaine to the African-American community just couldn’t bear to see a black actor get ahead. Bernie was taken out, just like Biggie, Tupac, and the guy from those “Waaaaazzuuuup!” commercials. Look it up.

Greg Giraldo

Why would anyone want to kill comedian Greg Giraldo? Oh, I don’t know. He was only an insult comic with a knack for skewering celebrities. In a sense, he’d become a bit of a“Star Whacker” in his own right. My guess is someone didn’t want the competition. Connect the dots, you ignorant fools.

Leslie Nielsen

Just a few days ago, I watched The Naked Gun. During the film, Leslie Nielsen seemed so full of life. Yet earlier this week, he supposedly died of phenomena? What gives? Do the math, people. It was “Star Whackers,” plain and simple. Watch your back, George Kennedy.

Billy Mays

According to the coroner’s report for TV pitchman Billy Mays, heart disease was the “primary cause of death” and cocaine was a “contributory” factor. Now why would Billy Mays, a man who was so full of life, a man who could get ridiculously excited over a product as stupid as the Awesome Auger, need to get coked up? He was practically bursting at the seems with energy, 24/7. I know a smokescreen when I see it.

Larry King

When it comes to whacking stars, there’s no prize greater than a legendary talk-show host. Johnny Carson learned that the hard way a few years back. This year, Larry King learned it, too. The official cause of death was listed as…what…wait…he’s not dead. OK, never mind. Scratch that one. My bad. But watch your back, King! They’re coming for you!

Comedian and roaster extraordinaire Greg Giraldo had passed away after being hospitalized on Saturday for a prescription drug overdose. His friend and fellow comedian Jim Norton broke the sad news via his Twitter. Here are a few more Tweets from friends and admirers of Giraldo:

"Greg giraldo was a good guy. The kind of you’re always glad to see. Also a funny comic and person. He died today. Goodbye friend." — Louis C.K.

"Sorry to hear about the passing of Greg Giraldo. Thank you for everything." — Daniel Tosh

"Really, Universe? Greg Giraldo? Fuck off." — Patton Oswalt

You said it, Patton. Greg and his hilarious digs at washed up celebs will truly be missed.