Also, if you watched it the first time, WATCH IT AGAIN, DAMN IT! There’s no football this weekend, and it will be over before the good stuff comes on HBO.

Watch Toy Hunters this Sunday, January 29th at 6:00 pm EST/PST on the Travel Channel.

And no, I’m not getting paid for this!

By Seymour Hersh, Investigative Journalist

To most Americans, the G.I. Joes are an elit fighting force, made up of our nation’s best and brightest, who risk their lives to safeguard our country and its values. But like most patriotic fairy tales, the truth is far more disturbing. From the My Lai Massacre to Abu Ghraib, the G.I. Joe’s have been behind every major atrocity of the past forty years. Time and time again the Joes have jeopardized American national security in order to advance their own narrow agenda.  

What began in the late 60’s as a special forces unit has grown into the most powerful, and arguably most corrupt, military organization in the world. The success of the Joes can be attributed to the ruthless leadership of Major General Clayton M. Abernathy, better known as General Hawk.  Hawk, whose wealthy Denver family bought his way into West Point, positioned the Joes to ride the patriotic wave of Ronald Reagan’s America to the height of their power in the mid-eighties. After some lean years under Bill Clinton, the Joes found themselves back on top after the events of 9/11.

Today the Joes are a reactionary fighting force, pimping themselves to any tin-pot dictator or unscrupulous corporation that needs a problem to ‘disappear.’ They continue to use the endless “War on COBRA” to justify their corrupt pursuit of power for power’s sake. The follwing details the Joes’ history of murder, drug trafficking, and other crimes.

Men have died to keep these facts from the public, but now you know…an knowing is half the battle.

– SEYMOUR HERSH

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Paramount must realize the colossal turkey they have on their hands with G.I. Joe because now they’re trying a new marketing approach… targeting dummies. A few weeks ago they directed their efforts on the Jersey Shore , now the LA Times is reporting that the advertising is focusing heavily on mid-America. The film is apparently embedded in the Kid Rock concert tour and advertising on giant screens in the Mall Of America. The message of this campaign being, it is your patriotic duty to see this movie. All right, fine. I love my country so I’ll see this movie. Even though the post-traumatic stress will probably leave me a shell of my former self.

Do your part and click on these morning links…

Unlike Michael Bay, who hires models for every non-matronly female part in his films, Stephen Somers only hires models to play models in his upcoming G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra.  The drop-dead gorgeous Karolina Kurkova will be playing the aptly nicknamed “Cover Girl,” a former professional model who decided that runways and eating disorders were boring, and that blowing sh*t up in the army would be much more au courant.

A word from Karolina: “Mother Nature made me the was I am, and I should be happy.”

Most men would high five Mother Nature’s palms red for creating Karolina. Check out the photos of Karolina after the jump and turn your palms red! From all the clapping, of course.

Television’s ultimate pitchman has passed away. Billy Mays, the charismatic and clamorous infomercial host died in his sleep after sustaining a head injury during a rough plane landing this past weekend. The very likeable Mays is currently co-starring with Anthony Sullivan on the Discovery Channel show Pitchmen. This really is such a shame. It’s always sad to see someone cut down while their star is on the rise. His contributions to the tapestry of television will be sorely missed. (Variety)

And on a side note, can we please put a stop to all of these recent high profile deaths? Keyboard Cat’s paws are gonna fall off at this rate.

I hope this does well and leads to more retreads on foreign soil because I personally would love to see a Japanese version of Goodfellas. How great would that be? All the gangsters would dress like Elvis and gesture wildly like Lenny and Squiggy.

"What’s that? You think I’m clown? I amuse you, hound dog?"

Oh my God. This film needs to be made. Somebody get Japan on the phone.

Perhaps I can interest you in these other morning headlines…

Avatar footage screened at Cinema Expo. Jaws subsequently dropped. (THR)

David Fincer to SuperPoke filmgoers. (First Showing)

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: "GI Joe is about the acting." (NY Mag)

Transformers scribes discuss the nuts and bolts of ROTF. (io9)

Sigourney Weaver on Ghostbusters and Alien sequels. (Cinematical)

7 Nagging Inconsistencies in Back to the Future. (Nerdist)
 

The interweb was aflurry all morning with rumors that GI Joe: Rise of Cobra director Stephen Sommers had bee taken off the movie and locked out of the edit room.  The reason?  According to some, the film was testing the lowest a film from Paramount has ever tested.  And Paramount put out Britney Spears‘s Crossroads. 

Well, turns out rumoring is half the battle (G.I. JOOOOOE!!!), because Movieline.com reports – with 100% assurance, mind you – that the whole story is bullsh*t.  Read Movieline’s investigative report here. 

I’m a fan of the original Mummy.  After that, I can’t say I’ve been in love, infatuated, or even vaguely felt anything like an emotion toward Stephen Sommers’s films.  In fact, I think I remember my therapist chastising me for "putting up a wall" when he asked me if he should go see Van Helsing opening weekend.  So it’s not surprising that there were rumblings of Sommers being scrutinized for his approach to filming a beloved ’80s property.