“A teenage girl, a genius middle-aged man (who was kicked out of Tomorrowland) and a pre-pubescent girl robot attempt to get to and unravel what happened to Tomorrowland, which exists in an alternative dimension, in order to save Earth.”

The “Tomorrowland” that they keep referring to in this break-down appears to be a place where science has blown past the world we live in, and when Frank Walker was a young man, he first encountered the promise of Tomorrowland at the 1964 World’s Fair.  David Nix was there, showing off his own work, and he told Walker to come back when he was older and his inventions actually worked.  A girl named Athena saw great promise in 11-year-old Frank, though, and she snuck him into Tomorrowland.  Eventually, Frank was discovered by Nix and thrown out, but not before learning that the girl he loved, Athena, was actually a robot.

By the time we meet Frank in the film, he’s much older, and George Clooney is set to play the part.  Nix is the role that Hugh Laurie is signed for, and by the point the main story of the film kicks in, Nix has been the mayor of Tomorrowland for many years, and he’s become rotten, corrupt.  Athena, unchanged since Frank was a young man, plays a key role in the film, and the hero is a girl named Casey who has a quick scientific mind that becomes important as the story unfolds.  Nix is a guy who values technical accomplishment over creative thinking, and when he throws Frank out of Tomorrowland, he’s not alone.  Every creative thinker is banished, allowing Nix to focus purely on aesthetics and technical advancement for its own sake.

There’s interdimensional travel, human-looking robots, and a quest for revenge on the part of Frank.  He is a bitter adult, and the film is not just about Casey’s adventure, but also about Frank rediscovering the kid he used to be.  It sounds like young Frank actually plays a decent-sized role in the film, so we may see both timelines play out to some extent.

In The Descendants, Clooney‘s stuck actually having to raise his daughters after his wife goes and messes her shit up in a boating accident. Not cool, wife. Don’t you know a guy like Clooney needs to be out there planning his next steps in his on-going prank war against Brad Pitt? If he lets his guard down for one minute, he’s likely find his Bugatti Veyron parked beneath power lines in an area highly-trafficked by pigeons.

Harry Potter is serious business. That’s what I’ve learned from the dramatic new poster above for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, about the boy wizard (Daniel Radcliffe)fighting He-Who-Could-Use-A-Nose. The drama is visible: the dirt and scars on the face, the red dots of intensity magic, and of course, “IT ALL ENDS” in caps, barely able to stay within the poster limits. Is there a Photoshop spell for that? Magic-blasts into theaters July 15, 2011. (/Film)

Alexander Payne‘s The Descendants stars George Clooney as a rich family man whose cheating wife dies, causing him to re-evaluate his life. It opens December 16, 2011. The new poster shows Clooney looking towards the ocean. Is he staring at his daughters, or is he hearing something else? A girl screaming for her life, perhaps… ? (IndieWire)

Shark Night 3D is the follow-up to Snakes On A Plane from director David Ellis. It will feature hot bikini girls, screaming, sharks, and presumably, night scenarios. Sounds good to me. Sara Paxton stars, chomping into theaters September 14, 2011. (IGN)

The above link is a teaser clip from The Descendants, directed by Payne, based on a novel by Kaui Hart Hemmings. The film is about an indifferent Hawaiian lawyer and father whose wife gets into a bad boating accident, causing him to take a hard look at his life. It also causes him to randomly run into people’s houses and ask short questions like, “who is he,” “what’s going on here,” and “wait a second… who am I?” Okay, that last part I’m just inferring from the clip. Ya got me.

The Descendents flip-flops into theaters December 16th and also stars Judy Greer, Matthew Lilliard and Beau Bridges.

For his follow-up to Black Swan, Aronofsky is considering a film by screenwriter Jeff Welch called Human Nature. It’s a science fiction story about a dude who gets cryogenically frozen and wakes up in a future where humans are pets to another species. Sounds Planet of the Apes-ish to me, and that’s all the rage these days. Unfortunately, I doubt the other species is a race of badass mutants who have claws on their hands, but there’s some good news: George Clooney might attach himself to the project as the lead. That makes me think this whole nightmare scenario happens in the script because of a Republican president or something liberally.

Producer Akiva Goldsman is currently working on a budget for the film. (Vulture)

Production is beginning sooner than anticipated with cameras rolling in London this May. He also has high praise for the director, certain that what they are putting together is next level film-making.

“The whole film has been pre-vised and figured out, it’s fuckin’ awesome. I mean, unlike anything you’ve seen in space. It’s just great. He’s a privilege to work with—he’s a real visionary.

“We’re using technology that’s never seen before. This film will be more immersive, I believe, than anything you’ve seen before. You will really feel like you are in space. It will not be an objective view of space, it will be an immersive view of space. And you know as you say, with Children of Men, he loves these long shots. It’s gonna be a really bold, bold film.”

He also revealed that the film will not be shot in 3D, but rather converted in the post process. That’s bad though, right?? Please learn from Clash Of The Titans’ example. If you really want to earn higher ticket prices, you need to commit to the gimmick from day one.

So, naturally, Clooney is adding more political crutons to his filmography salad. (What a strange analogy.) He will produce a film based on “The $700 Billion Man,” a Washington Post article by Laura Blumenfeld. “$700 Billion Man” is about the real life story of TARP manager Neel Kashkari, a man relatively inexperienced in politics who suddenly found himself in charge of the ginormous 2008 financial bailout. He was later “shellacked” by Congress and went off the Washington grid, moving to a remote cabin in Northern California with his family. The lesson? Never agree to be in charge of $700 billion dollars, unless you can spend it all on a kickass theme park that’s just for you.

Though Clooney is set to produce, we don’t know whether or not he’ll direct. (The Playlist)

The Resident Evil series is coming back to the big screen with a fifth installment on September 14, 2012. Sony and the Umbrella Corporation have made big profits killing zombies time and again. Actually, the last outing/slaughtering – Resident Evil: Afterlife – outgrossed all the previous sequels with $200 million dollars worldwide. So: more money, more zombies, more sequels, more problems for the last remaining regumans (regular humans).

Meanwhile, on the other end of the culture spectrum, handsome, suit-wearing gentleman George Clooney will see his Howard Dean inspired election film Ides of March open October 14 of this year. Clooney is co-writing, directing and starring with a cast that includes Ryan Gosling, Paul Giamatti and Evan Rachel Wood. There will be zombies in this one too, but the metaphorical “political” zombies of greed and power that’ll eat the brains of a young idealist politician. (/Film)

Clooney co-wrote, directs and stars in – get ready to use your “shocked” face for a moment – a politically themed movie based loosely on Howard Dean. Originally a play by Beau Willimon, Ides of March is about an idealistic press secretary (Ryan Gosling) who falls victim to the big, bad Washington machine. At one point, Gosling is literally captured and eaten by a giant machine wearing an Uncle Sam hat. But not really.

The cast is impressive. Besides Clooney and Gosling, the film also stars Paul Giamatti, Jeffrey Wright, Marisa Tomei and Evan Rachel Wood. They’re eyeing/idesing a December 2011 – January 2012 release. (/Film)

If this story is to be believed (don’t believe it), Ritchie wants George Clooney to play the role Burt Reynolds played in the original films. I’d be interested to see Ritchie’s take on the concept of an illegal cross-country race (always felt the original needed more bloodshed), but I really can’t believe this is true. First off, Ritchie is busy with Sherlock Holmes 2, Clooney has a thousand projects in the works, and Larry the Cable Guy would have to dig way too deep to pull off Captain Chaos.

So mark me down as the skeptic. We have a better chance at getting an apology from Kurt Sutter than we do at ever seeing Ritchie remake Cannonball Run. (Badass Digest)

So Affleck’s got his pick of Hollywood’s finest projects, including one called Argo. Set in 1979 Iran, it’s based on the real life story of a group of US diplomats who were disguised by the CIA as a sci-fi movie crew, in order to escape the Iranian occupation on the American embassy. That sounds pretty cool. Sort of like State and Main meets Ishtar, only not like that at all.

The following news may shock and amaze you, but George Clooney is attached to produce this political drama, because it ain’t a political drama unless it’s a Clooney-brand political drama. Writer Chris Terrio (Heights) based the film on an article in Wired magazine. That’s why the end credits sequence will show you how to hack a Nintendo DS to play iPhone fart apps for no particular reason. (Collider)

Oh wait, I read that wrong. Clooney is actually starring in a film based on the best-selling crime book, The Monster of Florence, which chronicles the killings. My bad.

Christopher McQuarrie and Nathan Alexander will adapt the book, which was written by Douglas Preston, the man Clooney will portray in the film. No word yet on what piqued the actor’s interest in the project. Could it be the compelling story line? The popularity of the book? Or perhaps it has something to do with the fact that Clooney lives in the Italian countryside, and filming in Florence would prevent him from having to return to the cesspool that is Los Angeles? I guess we’ll never know…unless I ask him…via threatening emails…again. (Deadline)

Clooney is set to appear alongside Sandra Bullock in Gravity, a film following the plight of two astronauts who find themselves stranded among the stars after an asteroid cripples their space station and kills their entire team in the process. Clooney, who will play the leader of the decimated astro-squad, snagged the role after Robert Downey Jr. dropped out due to scheduling conflicts. Bullock’s character, a mother determined to get back to her children on earth, will reportedl drive much of the film’s plot.

Alfonso Cuaron will direct the Warner Bros/Legendary Pictures flick. Production is set to begin between April and May of next year, provided that an asteroid hasn’t collided with the planet and destroyed all life by that point. (Deadline)

Matt Damon had better work on his jazz hands. George Clooney is getting into the musical game. He is attached to direct a film adaptation of the UK stage production, Enron: The Musical, sometime after he wraps Farragut North. Whereas George is usually one of Hollywood’s most well-liked, haters gonna hate. The British aren’t too happy to lose this work to the Yanks.

Though the original playwright Lucy Prebble will stick around for scripting duties, its reported that the rest of the cast and crew will not be brought on for the Americanization. “It’s a great shame that the original talent hasn’t been able to follow through, to put on to film what they’ve originally created,” says former director of the Theatre Royal Stratford East, Phillip Hedley. I do sympathize but they need to realize we can’t make a habit out of casting non-Americans to carry Hollywood films. We only make that exception for Russell Crowe, Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, Nicole Kidman, Cate Blanchett, Toni Collette, Daniel Craig, Guy Pearce, Eric Bana, Naomi Watts, Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, Kate Winslet, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Emma Thompson, Alan Rickman, Sir Ian McKellan, Brian Cox, Christopher Lee, Kate Beckinsale, Ewan MacGregor, Emily Blunt, Ralph Fiennes, Andrew Garfield, Sean Bean, and the guy playing Thor. A line really has to be drawn somewhere. (The Guardian)

Batman has Robin. Siegfried has Roy. And the Lone Ranger has Tonto. So with Johnny Depp already cast as Tonto in Gore Verbinksi’s Lone Ranger, who does the actor feel would best complete the pair?

“There’s so many interesting possibilities out there. Brad [Pitt] would be great. [George] Clooney would be great. Don’t know who it’s going to be just yet.”

While they’re both talented, they’re also the two most popular actors in the world, so I’m not sure why Depp thinks they are “interesting possibilities.” Crispin Glover is an interesting possibility. Kenny Baker is an interesting possibility. Clooney and Pitt are pod people. (Collider)

Like the original TV series, the film will center around a spy organization known as U.N.C.L.E. (the United Network Command for Law and Enforcement) and will take place in the 1960′s. But unlike the original show, the film probably won’t advertise cigarettes or hyper-color tee-shirts. Hyper-color was from the 60′s, right? Well excuse me, History Nazi! We all can’t afford community college!

^{Gosling bites his thumb at Clooney’s on-set dress code.}

George Clooney is stepping behind the camera again for Farragut North and he wants Ryan Gosling to be his leading man. Based on Howard Dean’s 2004 campaign, Farragut North details the shady practices and backstabbings that take place in order for a candidate to get a nom. No stranger to nom-nom-noms, Venom-hopeful Philip Seymour Hoffman is on board as the boss of Gosling’s political mastermind character.

Leonardo DiCaprio was once connected to the role, and then Chris Pine was expected to step in after bringing down the house in the play version. But in the end, it looks like it’s Gosling’s for the taking. No fair. He gets to be in a great movie AND Rachel McAdams. (Deadline)

Hollywood seems to have an obsession with assassins, and this teaser trailer for The American only further proves that point. George Clooney plays a soul-searching gun-for-hire hiding out in Italy for one last job. A last job he’s of course being coerced into completing.

There are pretty women (who can’t be trusted), a priest (who can’t help ease Clooney’s suffering), and surprisingly a lack of alcohol. C’mon, an assassin who’s NOT an alcoholic? I don’t buy it, Hollywood. I bet we’re going to see a bottle of Jim Beam in the full trailer or the pistol in my desk drawer isn’t stained with orphan blood.

The film is directed by Anton Corbijn, whose last film Control profiled Ian Curtis, the lead singer of Joy Division, who commited suicide. Soooo he does bummer movies.

Check out the trailer after the jump. The American hits theaters September 7, 2010.

The American Trailer – Watch more Movie Trailers

Cast: George Clooney

Synopsis: An assassin hides out in Italy for one last assignment.

Release Date: September 1, 2010

Last week we looked at my frontrunner for this year’s Best Picture, James Cameron’s 3D furry-fest Avatar.  But we must not ignore this year’s other contenders, not the least of which being Jason Reitman’s Up in the Air. 

Reitman’s third feature came into this year’s award season with a good deal of positive buzz.  However I’m inclined to believe this is an industry-wide apology for lap-dancer Diablo Cody winning an Oscar for the text message transcript she called the Juno screenplay while Reitman’s impressive directing was all but ignored.  As the shiny gold dude on Cody’s mantle gathered dust, Reitman bided his time, content with the knowledge that he would someday be vindicated.  After all, while Diablo’s dad was doing whatever it is fathers do to turn their daughters into strippers, HIS dad was directing Ghostbusters.  Yet while the lesser Reitman is certainly due some recognition, it should not be for Up in the Air, which was the cinematic equivalent of a Southwest Airlines flight over America’s heartland: Flat, dull and seemingly endless.  

Which it had no reason to be.  It was well-directed, well-acted and well-photographed.  But on every other level it suffered from cinematic Asperger’s.  While devoid of laughs — or any other genuine expression of emotion – the cast did include a number of talented comedic day players, including Zach Galifianakis, Danny McBride, Jason Bateman, J.K. Simmons and Sam Elliott.  I spent most of the film hoping Clooney would round them up into a makeshift crew, morphing Up In the Air into Ocean’s 15. Alas, such was not the case.  Tepid and lifeless, the film droned on and on like a Sunn0))) record, dancing back and forth between failed attempts at humor and failed attempts at delivering its muddled, faux-earnest message about the importance of settling down and starting a family like every other minivan-driving sheepanoid in gated suburbia.  Why did this message ring so untrue?  Gee, I don’t know, maybe because it was being shilled by HOLLYWOOD?  You know, where a glory hole encounter in the Coco DeVille bathroom is considered a long-term relationship?

In a year when the most talked about film was rendered in better-than-life 3D, it’s ironic that Up in the Air, with its muted colors, seemed somehow less than 2D.  I will give its makers credit for the soundtrack, however.  The use of Elliot Smith was particularly apropos, as it came just as I was ready to plunge a knife into my heart ala the now-deceased songsmith.  George Clooney, for his part, was George Clooney.  As always, the man could charm his way onto Air Force One carrying a blood machete and briefcase full of C-4.   His character, a hired-gun contractor specializing in cutting corporate heads, was a spiritual brother to Aaron Eckhart’s tobacco spin doctor from Thank You for Smoking: A loveable scumbag true, but scum through-and-through.  Yet ironically the filmmakers didn’t seem to realize how reprehensible this character was; he was constantly framed as the good guy.  It would be like if Spielberg had decided to make Amon Goeth the hero of Schindler’s List.  Oh, that wacky Amon!  If only he’d found himself a good woman to settle down with, maybe he wouldn’t have exterminated all those innocents.

Still, these are all just opinions, and particularly jaded opinions at that.  Given its 90% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes I am certainly in the minority here.  So I must once again turn to the objectivity of the scientific method by consulting our benchmarks in order to gauge Up in the Air’s Best Picture chances.

RETARD STRENGTH (0/5): For a movie that seemed tailor-made for awards season, Up in the Air was sadly lacking in retardeds; there was nary a simp or gimp in the entire film.   Had Joaquin Phoenix been available for a walk-on I could have at least awarded it a harelip sympathy point.  I was even tempted to give it a point due to the presence of Danny McBride, who here plays the exact same character he plays in every other movie and TV show.  But while that one character McBride plays is a bit naive and delusional, he is by no means a water-head.  As we established last week, if you’re retarded enough for the Special Olympics, you’re retarded enough for an Oscar.  But ignorance and a mullet alone do not qualify you to swim the 100 meter freestyle with the Down Syndrome kids. 

SOCIAL RELEVANCE (3/5):  Our country’s double-digit unemployment rate is certainly a topic of concern.  Up in the Air’s makers went all-out in their attempt to tackle this hot button issue, using actual laid-off employees to play the victims of Clooney’s corporate downsizer.  I guess the point being that if you’re laid off in real life, your reward is to be laid off by George Clooney in the movies?  The problem is, while the world of corporate downsizing served as Up in the Air’s backdrop, it really had nothing to do with the film in terms of theme or message. Clooney’s character did not learn anything from the people whose lives he’d ruined.  He did not have a change of heart, epiphany or turn over a new leaf.  At the end of the film he’s still going about the business of killing careers.  All he really learned was that perhaps his life would be more complete if he had a girlfriend.  I’m sure his ennui lasted right up until he nailed his next flight attendant in the men’s room on the American Airlines executive lounge.

EPICOSITY (1/5): While Up in the Air’s cinematography was excellent, the airports, hotels and office spaces that comprised its locales did not lend much in terms of Middle Earth style epicocity.  And at 109 minutes it certainly wasn’t Bondarchuk’s War and Peace.  But I will give Up in the Air this: It at least FELT like a three-hour movie. 

UPLIFT (3/5): I suppose if you’re one of the many folks out there who’ve recently lost a job, Up in the Air might offer some solace that at least you’re not alone.  It might help you realize that so long as you have family and loved ones to lean on, you’ll make it through the trials and tribulations of being unemployed in one of the worst economies since the Great Depression.  If you don’t have a family however, you’re pretty much screwed.  At least that seemed to be the message.  We’re supposed to feel sorry for Clooney’s jet-setting downsizer, because while he might be wealthy, handsome, and able to bang random chicks in airport bathrooms, he isn’t happy, right?  RIGHT?  Okay, think about it too hard and the logic falls apart quicker than a Haitian shanty, but I suppose in these dire times people will latch onto anything that makes them feel a little bit better about themselves and their miserable lives. 

TOTAL POWER RANKING: 1.75.  The numbers don’t lie.  Up in the Air has no chance of winning the Academy Award for Best Picture, though I won’t be surprised if it nets a sympathy Oscar or two in the lesser categories (perhaps a Best Adapted Screenplay to complete the circle of irony).  For those of you who feel I’ve been too hard on this film, be assured that I am a fan of its director and firmly believe he will have a long and fruitful career.  However, he’ll have to wait for another awards season to take home a Best Picture trophy.  Perhaps with his next film, Jason Reitman will remember to throw in a few retardeds.
 

Cast: George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Owen Wilson, Bill Murray

Synopsis: Angry farmers, tired of sharing their chickens with a sly fox, look to get rid of their opponent and his family.

In Fantastic Mr. Fox, cinema auteur Wes Anderson has decided to take his uniquely composed wide shots and apply them to the world of stop motion animal puppets. He still couldn’t part with at least one brother Wilson and Jason Schwartzman, but this time they merely provide the voices for their underground dwelling characters. It’s sure to be one heck of a good twitchy, off-putting, imaginative caper with enough George Clooney charm to spare. 

Below is a short music video from the soundtrack called Let Her Dance by The Bobby Fuller Four. It’ll give you a taste of the stop motion magic that comprises the entire film, and I gotta say I’m kinda diggin’ it. It reminds me of the old Rankin/Bass Christmas cartoons from the 70s, which is what I’m sure Anderson was going for. Maybe Heat Miser will even make a cameo appearance…

The Fox gang can berate him until he crawls back to his volcano home, the grumpy old bastard.

Dance along with the Fantastic Mr. Fox music video below. 

Fantastic Mr. Fox Music Video – Watch more Funny Videos

An extended trailer for Jason Reitman‘s Up In The Air is now online and, sadly, it has nothing to do with Kevin Bacon scouting the Masai for kick-ass basketball players. But fear not, fans of slight racism, it does include George Clooney’s tips for traveling. For instance, you should never get in a security line behind old people due to their love for hidden metals. The Asians on the other hand are your best option because of their efficient packing methods and penchant for slip-on shoes. God love them indeed.

Click on these links. If you’re old, you’ll want to use the "mouse" device to do so. 

_{10 Best TV Neighbors (HolyTaco)}

_{Jenn Sterger is Getting Rid of Her Money-Makers (TotalProSports)}

_{Sooo, You Got Wasted (TheChive)}

_{No One Can tell Twilight Douches Apart (FilmDrunk)}

_{When a Parrot Loves a Bunny (SuperTremendous)}

_{5 Breakfast Cereals Meant for Adaptation (Pajiba)}

_{Lohan Was Dating Ledger When He Died (CelebJihad)}

_{When Patrick Stewart Invades Everything (Unreality)}

_{Does Maybe Really Mean No? (Asylum)}

_{7 Greatest Lingerie Football Photo Crops of 2009 (BustedCoverage)}

_{If Children Created Swine Flu Cures (RegretfulMorning)}

_{How to De-Stress at Work (MadeMan)}

_{Flowchart: Is NASCAR For You? (AllLeftTurns)}

It’s so great when celebrities act silly overseas for money. In the above commercial for Nespresso, George Clooney walks out of a shop and gets a piano dropped on his head by an off-screen Road Runner. He then travels to heaven and–wait, John Malkovich is dead?!

Enjoy these links with a nice cup of coffee. 

_{Best Football Celebration Dances Ever (HolyTaco)}

_{Fight Breaks Out Durin High School Girls Soccer (TotalProSports)}

_{Ship Made from World Trade Center Steel (TheChive)}

_{Coolio Replaces DMX in MMA Fight (FilmDrunk)}

_{15 Worst Bootleg DVD Covers of All Time (SuperTremendous)}

_{Top 8 Werewolf Movies of the Last 30 Years (Pajiba)}

_{Jessica Alba Gets a Spankin’ (CelebJihad)}

_{There’s a Calvin in All of Us (Unreality)}

_{Guys Don’t Find Skinny Women Attractive (Asylum)}

_{Will Jenn Sterger eBay Her Breast Implants? (BustedCoverage)}

_{What Does Your Bar Tab Say About You? (RegretfulMorning)}

_{You’re Dating a Gold Digger (MadeMan)}

_{Earnhardt Losing Streak Reaches 55 (AllLeftTurns)}

_{Women Freaks Out On Live TV (NothingToxic)}

_{Intercourse with a Vampire (Atom)}

The second trailer for Men Who Stare At Goats has arrived, and it’s clearly evident in it that Clooney is the man. Plus he’s got a finely groomed mustache, which brings back fond memories of his hilariously over the top performance in O Brother, Where Art Thou? I was excited to see this movie after the first trailer, and now I’m giddy. Yes, just like a school girl.

Though he’s always been opposed, Larry David is finally caving and doing a Seinfeld reunion — on the new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. The fictional reunion will be the through-line of season seven with the original cast all appearing as themselves. Recently at the TCA press tour, David told critics what they can expect to see of the reunion. "You won’t see the entire show. You’ll see parts of the show. You’ll get an idea of what happened (to the ‘Seinfeld’ characters) 11 years later."  The series returns on September 20th and I personally am very excited to see what happens if Kramer is locked in a room with Leon or Crazy Eyez Killah. (NJ)

Get in the ass of these morning links and leave a Snickers wrapper behind…