Now, that dream is a reality thanks to Family Guy Online. It allows you to upload a picture and have it transformed into an avatar in the likeness of a Family Guy character. From there, you take your avatar and play a 3-D multiplayer game, which is a great way to run out the clock on a Friday afternoon.

Of course, many celebrities have already been run though a Family Guyzer of sorts by appearing on the show, and it hasn’t always been pretty. If a star has a notable feature, it’s often grotesquely exaggerated to hilarious and cruel proportions. So that “beauty mark” mole you have? That thing could sprout hair and start talking just like Chris’ pimple did. Just ask Gary Busey and Renee Zellweger. Scroll through the pics above and see for yourself.

We figured, since he’s so famous, what would happen if some other well known celebs traded places with Phil for the day. Here are the creepy, creepy results. Dreamworks Animation, please don’t steal this idea.

Want more funny photos?

Chuck Norris (Mike Huckabee)

Dude, have you heard about that Chuck Norris meme? The one where he can do all kinds of awesome stuff merely by roundhouse kicking? Well, the roundhouse kicks didn’t do much to help Mike Huckabee. Not only did he not secure the nomination in 2008, he declined to even run this time around. What’s an out-of-work action star to do in 2012? Well, Norris is going in for Ron Paul this time, the only candidate for doddering old men afraid of the Federal Reserve.

Gary Busey (Newt Gingrich)

Things have been going pretty well for Gingrich as of late. He’s gaining in both national and key state polls. And he’s securing critical endorsements, like Gary Busey. Busey brought a whole new meaning to the words “bughouse nuts” when he starred in an early celebreality show. We got an insight into the mind of Busey and it was hard to tell how much of it was genuine and how much of it was torturing a man foolish enough to make a TV show based around him. Newt is sitting pretty now among the key wackjob constituency, having the endorsements of Busey and Herman Cain.

Adam Sandler (Rudy Giuliani)

Nothing says class, sophistication and nuanced political thought more than Adam Sandler’s endorsement. Rudy must have worked hard wining and dining the man who’s made a career out of screaming and talking in baby voices. The endorsement of America’s favorite manchild didn’t do a lot for the Manhattan Mussolini, however. He failed miserably after months of being considered the presumptive nominee.

It’s true that no agreement has been made yet, so this could just as easily not work out. Stern would be an excellent addition to the show and a good reason to tune-in. Should things not work out, however, the producers have a lot of options. They should at least consider these nine people as back-ups.

Norm MacDonald

With his schedule freed up by the cancellation of Sports Show with Norm MacDonald, the delightfully looney comic has nothing but time to reinvigorate America’s Got Talent. He’s proven that he’s not shy to proclaim when somebody sucks. Just ask Carrot Top, O.J., and David Hasselhoff.

Sean Penn

There is not an actor alive that values the craft more than Sean Penn. He’s fiercely protective of his fellow make-pretenders and never unwilling to share his opinions. His judgements would carry a weight that Sharon Osbourne’s never could. Plus, it would be funny to watch him have to evaluate a guy who plays tuba while balancing on a unicycle.

Kris Jenner

Kris Jenner has been working for years to establish herself as a top-notch talent manager. Why not go to the source? She’s likely seen hundreds of artists striving to make it big. That kind of experience will come in handy on this show. However, I doubt the censors will allow contestants to film themselves rubbing their genitals against Ray J’s. It, technically, doesn’t count as a talent.

Or is this just normal for him?

9 photosGet To Know Katrina Bowden

I was not expecting to like the original Piranha 3D. I’m no horror buff, but between the over-the-top absurd violence, the naked underwater prancing and Christopher Lloyd basically dusting off Doc Brown, I was sold. Now they’re making Piranha 3DD and I’m anxious to see a trailer. Until then, I’ll just have to make do with these unauthorized set photos from Let’s Get Out of Here Blog. Turns out the writer lives near where the film is shooting in Wilmington, NC. Here you get a first look at the water park set, plus a bloody prop girl. I can tell a lot of happy summertime memories are gonna be made for the families that go to Big Wet. The film chomps into theaters November 23, 2011.

Directed by John Gulager, Piranha 3DD stars Ving Rhames, Gary Busey, Katrina Bowden, Paul Scheer and The Hoff, plus Christopher Lloyd returns. (Dread Central)

A press release from The Weinstein Co. announced today that Busey is jumping into the deep end for a change with a role in Pirahnha 3DD. In the film, he’ll play a guy who hopefully emerges from the water with a piranha in his teeth. Take note, John Gulager. The public wants to see Busey turn the tables on the piranha. Anything less will be a missed opportunity. Just like in last year’s Piranha 3D when the filmmakers failed to show a skeleton riding a jet ski. Don’t be like those jerks.

Last night, Donald Trump fired Gary Busey from “Celebrity Apprentice,” marking the end of an era for reality television. Well, that’s assuming you define “era” as a period of seven weeks where nothing of any real significance happened, which I assume you do.

For weeks, the other members of the men’s team had been gunning for Busey. But episode after episode, he managed to survive. Then again, what do you expect from a guy who lived through a high-speed motorcycle accident without a helmet? Outlasting Mark Mcgrath in a bullshit competition involving suntan lotion is child’s play when compared to having your skull bashed open all over the highway, although I imagine both are equally traumatizing. But any way you slice it, Gary Busey is a survivor. No one expected him to last this long.

After barely making it through last week’s nonsense, Busey was given the role of product manager. Obviously, he was meant to fail. Putting Gary Busey in charge of anything is like putting Roman Polanski in charge of a Girl Scout troop, which is to say that sooner or later, things are gonna get screwed. Granted, this was his second turn as project manager, but just like the last time, the incompetence of the women’s team was his only hope. However, despite the overall lack of faith from his teammates, Busey remained optimistic thanks to his “internal wealth of knowledge.”

This week’s task entailed putting on a cooking demonstration for Omaha Steaks. Gary set straight to work, assigning Meat Loaf the role of cook despite the fact that he had no cooking experience whatsoever. While meeting with the company’s executives, he asked hard hitting questions, like whether or not any of their beef comes from Arizona, and then proceeded to discuss whether or not the meat was literally in a state of “suspended animation” thanks to the company’s freezing process. Questions like “what to you want us to accomplish” never came up. Rather than step in to help, Gary’s teammates were content to let Gary fail. As John Rich so eloquently put it, “I’m here to be a tool in the tool box.” I couldn’t have put it better myself.

As the project dragged on, it became clear that Gary didn’t really have a plan. He was content to just wing it by having Meat Loaf behind the grill and stringing the segments together with vague, baffling stories about romantic anniversaries and father-son kite flying sessions. I’d like to give you a more detailed description, but that’s pretty much all there is too it. It made no sense to anyone besides Gary. Earlier in the episode, John Rich accused Gary of either being insane or a saboteur. Clearly it was the latter.

Of course, the men lost, and it didn’t take long for the knives to come out. Meat Loaf was visibly frustrated. Lil’ Jon claimed Busey spent most of the task in outerspace, and John Rich accused Gary of referring to him as “boy” while the cameras weren’t around. Busey countered by saying he had actually called him a “ca’boy,” which he claimed is a shortened version of cowboy even though it shortens the word by exactly zero syllables. Despite Trump’s attempts to add drama, there was clearly no one left to fire but our hero.

Which brings us to Trump, a rumored Presidential candidate. Clearly, it’s just a stunt, but lets assume for a second that he is serious about running. It took him seven weeks to fire a brain-damaged lunatic, which certainly calls into question his judgment. But on the other hand, he could be smart enough to know that Busey was literally the only reason to watch the show, so maybe he’s pretty shrewd after all. Either way, I’d rather vote Hitler and Hilary Clinton’s (insert Sarah Palin, if you prefer) love child.

At any rate, so long, Gary Busey. We’ll miss you.

Note to self: Never engage in one-on-one combat with Gary Busey.

Actually, why would I need to write that down? After all, it’s common sense. The man is at unstoppable killing machine. All that stupid “tiger blood” shit Charlie Sheen is always ranting about is actually true, in the case of Gary Busey. In short, Gary Busey can not be stopped.

But apparently, Mark McGrath didn’t get the memo, and foolishly chose to challenge Gary in a one-on-one boardroom showdown on last night’s “Celebrity Apprentice.” Two men entered, but only one man left. Needless to say, that man was Gary Busey.

How did Mark McGrath end up losing to man with the mental capacity of a goldfish on mescalin? I’m glad you asked.

This week, the teams were tasked with promoting Australian Gold tanning lotions. The task involved decorating a large box, or something. Honestly, it’s not important. None of the tasks are. They’re simply a means to an end, the end being Gary Busey acting like a crazy asshole, and NeNe calling Latoya Jackson “Casper the Ghost.”

The people at Australian Gold decided to arbitrarily select the women’s team as the winner. This was fitting, because the women’s team, lead by Latoya Jackson, had absolutely no game-plan whatsoever, and simply threw together a bunch of random shit. That pretty much sums up the show, proving it has as much to do with “business” as its “contestants” have to do with “celebrity.”

Even though it’s all bullshit, it still must have hurt for Mark McGrath to lose to Latoya Jackson, a woman who can’t seem to grasp basic math. At one point, she couldn’t understand that her team did not have enough money to make a purchase, even though she really wanted the items in question. It looks like her brother Michael came by it honestly. It also didn’t help that Latoya decided not to use Playmate of the Year Hope Dworaczyk as a bikini model for the task, a move that was so obvious even Hope Dworaczyk thought of it. But despite all this, the women still won. Why? Australian Gold didn’t like the men’s pirate theme or the fact that they didn’t integrate the company’s koala mascot. Pirates: no! Koalas: yes! These are the things you learn when you get an MBA.

But aside from the fact that Mark McGrath’s theme bombed, Gary Busey did all he could to sabotage the product. Early on, he made an awkward sex joke about the Australian Gold lotions in front of one of their female reps. During the task itself, he cornered the executives of the company for 20 minutes, spouting out lines such as “If you don’t have this, you are a failure.” He then offered to become a spokesperson for the company, a move that the executives did not seem to appreciate. Then again, at that point, maybe they simply feared for their lives.

In the end, McGrath accepted responsibility for the failure of his team, a move that is sure to get you booted from the show. When it came time to pick two possible men to be fired, he only chose Gary. Bad move. Busey ducked and weaved around McGrath’s accusations with all the skill and nimbleness of a 4-year-old with Autism. On several occasions, he either lied through his teeth, or genuinely couldn’t remember what had transpired only hours earlier. I choose to believe the latter.

As expected, Trump sent McGrath home, and let Gary live to see another episode. After all, he’s no fool. If you send Busey home, what’s the point of watching? He did, however, make it seem as if Gary’s days were numbered, telling him to shape up or ship out. And if next week’s promo is to be believed, it might be the end of the road for our brain-damaged hero.

Hundreds of years from now, when Gary Busey scholars look back on last night’s “Celebrity Apprentice,” they’ll probably focus on Meatloaf’s epic meltdown. And while “The Loaf’s” insane rant was truly a sight to behold, we shouldn’t let it overshadow the fact that the episode contained some of the greatest Gary Busey quotes in the history of Gary Busey.

First things first: the rant. All season long, NBC has been cock teasing us with clips of Meat Loaf going ballistic on Gary Busey, and like an asshole, I’ve come back week after week, hoping to see it. And after four painful weeks, it finally arrived.

The teams were tasked with creating original works of art to be sold at a charity art event. While shopping for supplies, Gary Busey saw Meatloaf pushing a cart full of canvasses, and casually asked Meatloaf if he was buying them for everyone. Meatloaf, who after four days with Busey had clearly hit his limit, did not react well. He left the store with Mark McGrath, and began to vent, misquoting Busey, and claiming Gary was demanding Meatloaf purchase his supplies. As if Academy Award nominated actor Gary Busey would need an overweight has been to buy his supplies. Meatloaf should be so lucky! At any rate, with Meatloaf’s blood boiling, they left for the art studio, at which point some of Meatloaf’s things disappeared. He immediately blamed Busey, and went at him like a bat out of hell…

Amazing! No, I’m not talking about Meatloaf’s anger. I’m talking about Gary Busey’s ability to stay calm under fire. He never raises his tone, and never stoops to Meatlaof’s level. He simply stands their, biding his time, antagonizing the beast with his mental superiority. Even after the bag is found, and Busey is exonerated, he continues to kill Meatloaf with kindness, and Meatloaf responds with more outbursts.

Of course, later in the episode, Meatloaf calms down and apologizes. Busey, being the man that he is, which is to say the greatest man in history, accepts, and in doing so, imparts a shit-ton of wisdom on everyone within earshot.

On Meatloaf’s Anger

“Meatloaf had a battle goin’ inside of him. The best way he knew how to win it was to confront me in a confrontation of death, beating me senseless. That was his way of confronting his own anger.”

On Forgiving Meatloaf

“The Buseyism for forgive, F O R G I V E – Finding Ourselves Really Giving Individuals Valuable Energy, and my valuable energy is my unconditional love for you.”

On Meatloaf’s Apology

“Meatloaf excelled to the level of dancing on a rainbow with no fear…and no doubt.”

My god. He’s like Jesus, Buddah, and Confucius all rolled into one. But the quotes didn’t stop (or start) there. All night long, Busey was like at unstoppable wisdom dispensing cyborg sent from the future to destroy us all with knowledge.

Buseyism for ‘Art’

“A Righteous truth…A R T is the definition of art, because you need heart for the art, and the art brings heart. Therefore they go together…in a wonderful way…in a composition that embraces the eyes of the viewer.”

On Ideas for the Project

“I’m thinking about a clown on a bicycle that goes across a string on two points.”

Buseyism for ‘FUN’

“Finally Understanding Nothing spells fun.”

Apparently, Gary’s incredible ability to take grandiose concepts and break them down in a way that makes them accessible to the common man is rubbing off on his teammates. This isn’t surprising, since greatness often inspires greatness. Country singer John Rich dropped these two nuggets of wisdom in the toilet that is “Celebrity Apprentice.”

On Being a Contestant

“This is celebrity apprentice…you’re on this show because you are important enough in the world and pop culture to be on this show.”

On Gary Busey

“He’s like a one legged cat trying to bury a turd on a frozen pond.”

But it didn’t stop with John Rich. Lil’ Jon also seems to be learning a thing or two from Gary Busey. Although in all fairness, he was a poet of sorts before coming on the show.

On Openly Homosexual Richard Hatch’s Art Project

“That’s a really gay ass hat…but that’s you.”

Sensational! It’s a shame Richard didn’t heed Lil’ Jon’s warning, as he ended up being sent home for raising the least amount of money. As it turns out, Jose Canseco ended up leaving as well, because his father had supposedl taken a turn for the worse in his fight against cancer. The timing of the departure was a little suspect (as Richard Hatch suggested), since Jose has seemed very bored as of late, and the next task would have required him to raise money, something he’s proven incapable of doing. On the one had, I hope he’s not lying, because that would be pretty sick. On the other hand, I hope he is lying, because then his father isn’t really that bad off. I’m so conflicted.

(Update: Canseco’s dad actually passed away, so he clearly wasn’t just trying to get out of the task, which is good. Except his dad’s dead, which is not good. R.I.P.)

Other than that, there’s not much to say. The women’s team won, Star Jones tried to whisper to a deaf woman, and Gary Busey continued his inevitable march to victory.

On last night’s “Celebrity Apprentice,” we learned that Gary Busey’s penis is named “Big Wednesday.”

What else is there to say? How can I top that? I’m really not sure I need to go on. Actually, since I get paid by the word, I guess it’s best if I do go on and on and on and on and on and elaborate further on the matter (see what I did there?).

Before we jump right into Busey’s genitals, let’s give it some context. Not that the context will help. If anything, it will only make things more confusing.

The episode began with Busey riding high, fresh off last week’s victory. As the team leader, Busey took home a total of $40,000 for his charity, The Center For Head Injury Services. That’s enough to buy 100 homes in Detroit! Gary went on to say that winning the challenge while serving as project manager was on par with being nominated for an Oscar and a Golden Globe. Do you hear that, aspiring actors? Being nominated for the most prestigious awards in Hollywood is on par with aimlessly wandering through a bullshit challenge on a shitty reality show. Isn’t that depressing? You might as well give up now while there’s still time to get an MBA.

This week, the challenge involved creating and shooting a commercial for ACN and their new video phone. The men’s team leader was Lil’ Jon, who Busey had previously labeled an “antagonist.” However, despite Busey’s tendency to act bat-shit insane, the two managed to avoid butting heads, for the most part. However, Meatloaf is clearly running out of patience, and went as far as to say that Busey has “no consideration for other people’s space,” and that he always needs to be the center of attention. Of course he always needs to be the center of attention. He’s Gary friggen Busey! He was starring in films while you were still popping zits on your funny face and jacking off to the lingerie section of the Sears catalog.

Speaking of the center of attention, let’s get back to Gary Busey‘s penis. The men decided on making a commercial that revolved around two grandparents talking to their grandson in South America via video phone, and finding out that he’s engaged to another man (it’s funny cause he’s gay). Gary was cast as the grandfather, and as always, he totally owned the role. In fact, he was so committed to the part that decided not wear any underwear under his robe. After all, old men love to free ball. That’s where the trouble set in.

During one of the takes, as Gary sat down next to his co-star (an older actress playing the grandmother), out flopped his junk for all to see. Sadly, the censors blurred out his genitals. However, Gary could not censor himself, and quickly asked his horrified co-star if she had seen “Big Wednesday,” referring to his penis. Apparently, Busey’s fiancée uses it as a pet name for his pecker. Why “Big Wednesday?” We’ll for starters, Gary Busey is obviously big. But why “Wednesday?” Because, you uncultured cretin, Gary Busey starred in the 1978 surf film, Big Wednesday. In the film, Big Wednesday is “the mythical day when the greatest, cleanest, most transcendent wave of all will come.” No doubt, that description can be equally applied to riding Gary’s penis.

Ironically, “Big Wednesday” wasn’t the only elderly dick we had to deal with. Dionne Warwick was her usual effervescent self, and by effervescent, I mean a horrible old bitch. As in weeks past, she got testy with a deaf woman for no apparent reason. She also had the nerve to criticize Gary Busey’s acting in the commercial, saying he was “stiff.” Listen, sister. The only thing stiff about Gary Busey is “Big Wednesday.” I’m not sure why he didn’t pull it out and use it to smack her in the face. Luckily for Dionne, Gary was probably too distracted by the thought of a puppy he once bludgeoned to death in a coke-fueled rage.

Busey bashing aside, Warwick managed to further alienate herself from her own group by going to bed while the others stayed up and worked on the project. This came back to bite her in her old ass. When the women lost the challenge (thanks in no small part to Busey’s giant shlong), it wasn’t long before they all turned on Dionne. When challenged by her teammates, she quickly backed down, saying she should be sent home. But unlike, Niki Taylor, who bowed out with some class (or as much class as possible, considering she’s on “Celebrity Apprentice“) Warwick just came across as a petulant old bag, and in the end, Trump sent her packing.

So with another week behind us, Busey continues his quest. But next week may mark the end of his run, as he collides with Meatloaf in what promises to be a bitch fight for the ages. I can’t wait to see it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to down a bunch of Xanax and vodka and play with my “Little Tuesday.”

Check out this video of the Meatloaf/Gary Busey Meltdown.

Update: In our latest post, we find out that Busey’s penis is named “Big Wednesday.”

For fans of crazy man Gary Busey, last night’s episode of “Celebrity Apprentice” (a.k.a. Unhappy Campers) was like the Super Bowl (if the Super Bowl was played by a bunch of washed-up assholes willing to humiliate themselves on national television). Unlike last week’s episode (Child’s Play), in which he was reduced to a bit player, this week saw Busey in the role of project manager. And I’m happy to report that watching Gary Busey lead is everything you’d hope it to be, assuming you’re hoping it to be awkward and hilariously depressing.

From the very beginning, it was clear that Busey’s all-around awesomeness is wearing on his teammates. In an early confrontation, he became agitated and pointed at Meatloaf’s face in a menacing manner, but shrewdly turned the tables and told Loaf to calm down. Brilliant! The man has a mind like a steel trap. In the 1980’s, the trap snapped on a small woodland animal and rusted shut, but so what? He’s clearly the man to beat. As such, the lesser players have begun spreading rumors about his lack of focus and the fact that they’ve had to “carry” him. Of course they are carrying him! Just as ancient-Roman slaves were forced to carry their masters in a litter, so too should the likes of Lil’ Jon and Meatloaf carry Gary Busey.

But in order to prove his detractors wrong, Busey agreed to lead the challenge, which consisted of setting up an outdoor camping display for Camping World, the world’s largest RV and outdoor retailer. During a brainstorming session, he surveyed his team, and quickly labeled Lil’ Jon an “antagonist,” and shot down his ideas. Luckily, Busey had ideas of his own involving “bases” and “drones.” These “crazy” ideas left his team scrambling to understand what was expected of them, which I assume is exactly what Gary wanted. As the team began to bicker amongst themselves, Gary sat quietly, pretending not to understand what was going on.

Later, Mark McGrath managed to procure some shrubs for the display, and asked Gary for $400 dollars to pay for the delivery. Gary promised him the money, but then turned around and gave it all away to Richard Hatch. While on the surface, Gary’s actions might have seemed moronic, McGrath ended up securing the shrubs for free. Clearly, Busey was testing McGrath’s capabilities, or checking to see if McGrath was just going to pocket the money. In either case, it all came together with minimal effort from Busey. This continued for the remainder of the challenge. Busey continually played the fool, hiding his genius behind the veil of an ineffectual moron, which caused the rest of the team to rise up to the occasion. The man’s a tactical genius.

With his plan in motion, GB was able to relax and work on some of his patented Busey-isms, in which he uses a word as an acronym for its own definition. For example…

Lucky – Living Under Correct Knowledge Yearly.
Freedom – Facing Real Exciting Energy Developing Out of Miracles.
Team – Together Everyone Accomplishes More.

This did little to placate the concerns of his team, who still failed to see the forest through the trees. Even after the event went exactly according to Gary’s plan, their negative energy spilled out into the boardroom. The ungrateful swine had no faith, and began piling Gary for being a bad leader just because he had no idea of what he was doing and the project lacked focus. Little did they know, Gary had two aces up his sleeve. First of all, the women were lead by Niki Taylor, who doesn’t even know what century it is (no, really). Second, once the heat was on Gary, he was able to drop a medical bombshell! As it turns out, he’s been legally deaf for years. In his own words, this came about from “the rock ‘n roll…and the brain surgery.” But thanks to some new hearing aids, Gary’s regained his hearing and can hear his “toenails growing.” Does that sound like the man who Donald Trump is going to send home? Not bloody likely! The men won, and Busey lived to fight another day.

Gary Busey FTW!

It’s week two of Gary Busey’s stint on “Celebrity Apprentice,” and America’s favorite brain-damaged thespian did not disappoint. Actually, he did. Although to be fair, it wasn’t all his fault. How can he be expected to compete with a nasty old bag like Dionne Warwick, or the always loathsome Star Jones? It takes a lot for me to feel bad for Lisa Rinna, but last night, it happened.

Rinna was ultimately sent home for failing to lead the women’s group (ASAPP) in a competition to create a children’s book followed by a theatrical performance. And while I’ll admit she did a bad job, imagine trying to work with Star Jones under any circumstances. Jones was fired from “The View,” a show that is solely populated by difficult, ignorant women. If you’re too stupid and, or troublesome to sit on a panel with Whoopi Goldberg and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, you clearly don’t work well with others.

Which brings us to Dionne Warwick. I could have gone my entire life without hating this dinosaur, but thanks to reality television, I’m forced to add her to the ever expanding list of celebrities I’d like to run over with a combine. Last week, it was kind of funny to watch the old hag try to work a cash register. It’s a lot less funny to watch her fight with a deaf woman over petty bullshit. I say a little prayer…that she gets kicked in the teeth by a horse.

Speaking of horse teeth, back to Busey. The men’s team (Backbone) won, so there was no danger of going home. It also meant there was relatively little drama. Despite repeatedly teasing the audience with clips of an epic Meatloaf/Busey showdown, the episode failed to produce. However, it did plant the seeds of the upcoming conflict.

After Gary and Jose Canseco were lead on a wild goose chase by Meatloaf, the pair finally returned home. When Busey tried to vent to one of Donald’s sons, Meatloaf put his foot down, asking him to focus on the task at hand and head for the costume shop. A reasonable person would have understood that Meatloaf was just trying to move things long, and not take it personally. But as you and I both know, nobody tells Gary Busey what to do. Gary didn’t take to kindly to Meatloaf’s demands. He also wasn’t too happy when the Meat Man singled him out to Trump as the most difficult team member, although in all fairness, Loaf wasn’t really criticizing Busey so much as pointing out that he’s totally insane. I’m not sure if Gary understood this or not, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Meatloaf wakes up in the woods and finds himself the victim of a deadly game of cat and mouse.

By far, the most entertaining portion of the show was watch Busey shine while doing what he does best: acting like a six-year-old-boy. He owned the role, and it was easy to see why he was once nominated for an Academy Award. Watching his performance brought a tear to my eye. It also brought tears to Meatloaf’s eyes. It was a little uncomfortable to watch a grown man cry. I’ll feel much better watching him in a fit of rage when he goes head to head with Gary Busey (hopefully next week).

We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. If you woke up in the wilderness with either Gary Busey or Nicolas Cage, who would you trust to get you out alive? Fight!

Gary Busey

God help me if I ever wake up in the woods with either Nic Cage or Gary Busey. Either prospect is terrifying, and no one should ever have to experience such horror. But if, God forbid, I were to end up in such a situation, I would much rather wake up next to Gary Busey. That may be the first time in history anyone has ever written that, but it’s true.

First of all, let’s get one thing straight: Gary Busey ain’t what he used to be. Ten years ago, I might have chosen Cage. Busey in his prime is not something to fuck with. Have you ever seen Surviving the Game? It involves Busey hunting a man in the woods for sport. Does that sound like the kind of guy you want to be stranded with?

But today’s Busey is a shell of his former self. He’s 66 years old. These days, the only thing he’s hunting for is Metamucil and Fiber One at the grocery store. I’m not in the best of shape, but if you put me against a 66 year old, there’s a 99% chance I’m coming out on top. Compare that to a 47-year-old Nic Cage.

So, we’ve established that Busey is less of a threat. But at the end of the day, having a decrepit old man in the woods doesn’t really help matters, either. However, keep in mind, Busey is insane, and that could really come in handy. Have you seen “Celebrity Apprentice”? Last week, they told him to put on a suit that was too small, walk around the streets of New York, and throw pepperoni slices at people. And without batting an eye, he did it. Imagine how useful that could be in the woods!

Hey Gary, see if there are any animals in that cave!

Hey Gary, see if you can get the honey out of that bees nest.

Hey Gary, cut off your own arm so we can eat it.

And remember what the wise man said about being chased by a bear. You don’t have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the guy running next to you. So in case of a bear attack, it’s a good idea to keep an old man around. Besides knowing Busey, he probably wouldn’t even run from the bear. He’d go over and try to talk to it, and maybe teach it a thing or two about Jesus through the use of his patented Busey-isims. Meanwhile, I’m halfway out of the woods.

Would Busey be the first person I’d chose to be stranded with? No. But all things considered, I feel he could prove to be a real asset. Nic Cage, on the other hand, can’t even seem to survive with millions of dollars to his name. He already managed to lose all of his money, and the guy was richer than the pope. Is that really the type of guy you’re going to put in charge of rationing the acorns you’ve foraged? I think not. Busey wins, hands down.

Nic Cage

If I suddenly came to in the woods, I’d want to look over and see Nic Cage staring back at me with that sly grin of his. My guess would be he’s already been in that situation before. He probably gets lost in the wilderness for kicks, and then passes off advice to Bear Grylls so he looks all bad-ass on his TV show. Busey may be a crazy mo-fo, but Cage would BECOME a warrior, not just act like one.

Cage invented a brand new method of acting called Nouveau Shamanic. It basically affords him the ability to run around like a bat-shit crazy lunatic and refer to it as acting. He has justified his own madness and labeled it with an equally ridiculous name. That means not only will his body be lost in the woods, but his mind will be as well. For argument’s sake, let’s say Cage fancies himself a wolf, because he most likely would convince himself that he is in fact a wolf. The splayed open deer carcass next to his tracks and the smeared blood on his face would immediately tip me off. He’d shove a handful of entrails in my face and I’d indulge for fear of pissing off the beast. We’d both be well feed before heading off for civilization.

Let’s say we encounter a bear in the woods, as it of course picked up the scent of deer blood. Cage has been married three times. Once to an Arquette and once to a Presley. A bear is child’s play at this point. Cage would let out a primal scream that would make the bear reconsider its existence. But bears are stubborn creatures, so naturally a wrestling match would ensue. And Cage is not above biting. I’m not saying that Cage would dominate the entire time, as this struggle could last a good hour, but in the end he’d emerge victorious. Why? Because not even a bear has enough stamina to out last Cage. The man does 4-5 movies a year.

So the bear is dead. Now it’s time to quit screwing around. Cage would bust his satellite phone. He didn’t do this in the first place because his intention was to fight a bear. Within minutes an Apache helicopter would be hovering over us. Did you forget that Cage loves to waste money almost as much as he loves overacting? Oh I mean putting Nouveau Shemanic into practice? In 1997 Cage broke the auction record for Lamborghinis when he placed a bid on a rare Miura SVJ for US$490,000. He makes around 40 million dollars a year. Cage could buy and sell Busey, then invest in some better art for his samurai sword room.  Anyway, we’d climb up the rope ladder and be flown to safety.

None of these assumptions though trump the fact that Gary Busey hunts humans. Just wait for that old man to have a flashback, think he’s back on the set of Surviving The Game, and you’re deader than Ice-T’s rap career.

As we reported yesterday, Tom Hanks has a son (besides Colin), and he likes to rap. Meet Chet Hanks (a.k.a. Chet Haze), the most embarrassing thing to happen to Tom since That Thing You Do.

From an early age, it was clear that Chet was a black sheep, so his parents sent him far, far away to an exclusive private school in the Midwest. But the Internet has rendered distance and location meaningless, and it’s nearly impossible to prevent even the dullest of bulbs from shining their untalented light on the world (for example, look around this site). Yesterday, it was Chet’s turn to shine, when his college-themed rap single, “White and Purple,” blew up the Internet.

Being a man of action (a douchey tattoo on his right arm reads, “fortune favors the bold”), Chet quickly sought to cash in on the attention, and tweeted out a second song, “West Side L.A.,” the lyrics of which clearly demonstrate his ability to read a map. I haven’t been this impressed since I discovered a little band called the Imperial Stars.

Clearly, Chet is embarrassing the living hell out of his old man, but he’s new on the scene. If he hopes to be the most embarrassing child in Hollywood, he’s got some stiff competition. Here are 7 contenders for the title (including Chet).

Chet Hanks – Son of Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson

Just to recap, this kid raps (and by ‘raps,” I mean “talks” over remixes and samples) about going to a private school and living on the mean streets of West L.A. (West Hollywood, I assume). He has a Latin tattoo on his arm. And last night, he tweeted the following: “much love to both the fans and the haters for helping me pop off.” That’s right; Chet Hanks thinks of all the haters while he masturbates. Well played, ass hat. You’re making your brother Colin look legitimate.

Captain Miller deserves better than this.

Melissa Rivers – Daughter of Joan Rivers

It’s not as if Joan Rivers’ career is flying high. Yeah, she makes the rounds on reality TV, but who doesn’t? I’ve been on “Tool Academy” twice.

Her daughter Melissa turns up on a lot of reality shows, as well. Unfortunately, she’s usually accompanied by her mother. If the only way for someone to get on “Celebrity Apprentice” is to bring their decrepit mother along, that’s got to be embarrassing for the parent.

Cameron Douglas – Son of Michael Douglas

It’s not uncommon for the children of celebrities to end up on drugs. After all, they don’t call it a life of privilege because they’re out digging ditches. Having millions of dollars at your disposal just lends itself to getting coked up. But even a rich, coked up jackass should have enough sense to know that when you already have millions of dollars at your disposal, there’s really no need to deal. Poor people deal drugs and risk going to jail so they can get rich. If you’re already rich, it’s all downside. I guess Cameron Douglas didn’t get the memo.

Last spring, Cameron was sentenced to five-years for dealing large amounts of coke and meth. Even his father couldn’t argue with the sentence, calling it “adequate,” and adding that it may have saved his drug-addicted son’s life. So while watching his son get sent to the pokey was certainly an embarrassment, maybe it’s all for the best (prison rape, notwithstanding).

Jake Busey – Son of Gary Busey

Jake Busey must be a major disappointment to his father, Gary. It’s not because of anything Jake has done. Rather, it’s what he hasn’t done, which is go completely batshit insane. A father always wants his son to follow in his footsteps, and I’m sure Gary is let down by the fact that Jake isn’t out their spouting Busey-isms (“Freedom: Facing Real Exciting Energy Developing Out of Miracles”) or playing evil organ-harvesting Jew doctors. Try harder, Jake.

Kim Kardashian – Daughter of Robert Kardashian

This is more of an honorable mention, since the parent in question is deceased. Even so, wherever Robert Kardashian resides these days (I have a general idea where that is), I hope he’s able to see his daughters.

For those of you who don’t remember, Robert Kardashian was a high-profile lawyer who helped his close friend O.J. Simpson get off the hook for killing two people. Unfortunately, he passed away in 2003, four years before a video of his daughter Kim getting railed by a low-life rapper named Ray-J was released to the public. It’s a shame he wasn’t around to see that. I’m sure he would have been proud.

I would have mentioned his wife Kris on this list, but she is clearly incapable of feeling shame or embarrassment.

David Banda Mwale Ciccone Ritchie – Son of Madonna

When Madonna adopted an African baby, it catapulted her right back into the spotlight. Take that, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie!

But now, five years later, he’s not an African baby any more. He’s just a black kid, and that’s not enough to get you on the cover of People. Madonna better hope this kid turns out to be gay real soon, or else this whole adoption was a huge waste of time. How embarrassing.

Montana Fishburne – Daughter of Laurence Fishburne

When all is said and done, Montana Fishburne is probably the most embarrassing entry on this list. Last year, Montana (a.k.a. by her stage name, Chippie D.) embarrassed the living shit out of her father, actor Laurence Fishburne, by appearing in a sex vid.

Celebrity sex vids are nothing new, but they usually come to light after being stolen (or in some cases, intentionally leaked). This gives the celebrity the opportunity to feign outrage and act like a victim, while at the same time demanding a cut of the profits. What makes Montana’s video unique is the fact that it was not stolen or leaked, but rather produced. In an attempt to kick-start her career, she decided to cut out the middle man and go straight to the source: Vivid Video. At the age of 18, Montana became a full-fledged pornographer. Throw in a previous arrest for prostitution, and it’s easy to see why her father wishes he could take the red pill…or maybe just a whole bottle of sleeping pills.

Fun fact: Montana Fishburne credits Kim Kardashian with inspiring her to become a prostitute. Of course she does.

Then Busey shows up because nothing puts asses in office chairs more than these three words: GARY. BUSEY. RAPPING. This thinking will ultimately backfire. Spike knows guys only watch the show for the hot, naked women. So, be sure to check out the episodes nudity-free on Spike. Also, these girls aren’t helping their case. Awkward, white-rapping on television is far more embarrassing than showing your tits on television. (via Warming Glow)

Gary Busey plays Norman Tugwater: Fantasy Sports Lawyer. His job is to help already filthy rich athletes get their piece of the fantasy league pie. Adrian Peterson and Shaq aren’t afraid to call him their attorney. I’d be afraid to call him my anything. The man’s face is so asymmetrical.

Drink down these links. Drink ‘em down!

_{Jimmy Kimmel Finds A Lawyer For Tila Tequila’s ‘Juggalos’ Lawsuit (TVSquad)}

_{Rare Collection Of 3D Nude Pin-Ups At Film Forum (Asylum)}

_{The 7 Greatest Homemade Sex Toys For Men (Ranker)}

_{This Is How You Get Chicks (HolyTaco)}

_{Fishburne Done Talking to his Porn Star Daughter (FilmDrunk)}

_{Undressed To Impress (Maxim)}

_{French Babe Robbers Steal Man’s Cash After Distracting Him With Tits (BarStoolSports)}

_{Rollerblades + Stupidity (EgoTV)}

_{10 British Television Actors That America Should Steal (Pajiba)}

_{Gallery Of The Coolest Comic Book Tattoos (Unreality)}

_{Amazing Basketball Shot From A Free Fall Ride (TotalProSports)}

_{Google Earth Captures A Dead Body?!!! (Smosh)}

_{New Eva Mendes Pics From ‘Flaunt’ Magazine Shoot (BroBible)}

_{Is Megan Fox Hotter Than Brigitte Bardot? (CelebJihad)}

_{Matt Horwich, The New Middleweight Champion Of The Multiverse (CagePotato)}

_{Sex, Blood, And Rolling Stone’s New’True Blood‘ Cover (PopEater)}

_{Swedish Man Sets Speeding Ticket Record (MadeMen)}

Hey everyone, meet Luke Sampson Busey! Proud papa Gary Busey introduced his 10-week-old son on Thursday evening’s “Entertainment Tonight.” Girlfriend Steffanie Sampson is the person responsible for bringing another Busey into the world on Feb. 23. My sources tell me world leaders are gathering at a secret summit this evening to decide how to proceed.

This movie actually exists. Quigley stars Gary Busey as a cold-hearted, dog-hating billionaire who dies and is reincarnated on Earth as a Pomeranian that has an affinity for video games. BUY IT NOW.

These links also exist.

_{25 Funny Tombstones (HolyTaco)}

_{Shirts Optional in the Blackhawks Party Limo (TotalProSports)}

_{Even More Hot Girls on Facebook (TheChive)}

_{It’s Okay to Play with These Bond Girl Barbies (Moviefone)}

_{21 Awesome Jelly Bean Portraits (Maxim)}

_{The Darker Side of Siskel & Ebert (FilmDrunk)}

_{20 Unfortunate CAPTCHAs (SuperTremendous)}

_{Ten Worst Movies of 2010 (Pajiba)}

_{Jen Aniston Hiding in Brad Pitt’s Bathtub (CelebJihad)}

_{Top 5 Movies Based on SNL Sketches (Unreality)}

_{Bikini Vegemite Wrestling Gets Messy (Asylum)}

_{6 Woman Who Equal First Date Disaster (RegretfulMorning)}

_{All the iPad Info You Require (MadeMan)}

_{Why Denny Hamlin’s Injury is a Good Thing (AllLeftTurns)}

_{Abrams Tank Explodes Suspicious Car (NothingToxic)}

_{Buy Apple’s iFreak Before It Sells Out (Atom)}