Some of the most iconic movies of the past century become wildly exotic and more compelling when the actual genders are swapped.

You probably want an example. Here are 15…

Forest Gump

A man sleeps with a retarded girl, then spends the rest of his life trying to avoid her.

Different film, no? Perhaps not as sweet and endearing as the original, but certainly one I would pay to see.

Well, this happens to be the case for many, many recent and not-so-recent classics. So take a gander to see what films pique your interest when the genders of the characters have been reversed. (Caution: Some plots become insanely hot and erotic.)

Shawshank Redemption

A black woman and a white woman form a very special bond in prison, only to reunite in Mexico to live the rest of their lives together.

Basic Instinct

A man kills a woman with an ice pick, then shows his genitals to the police during an interrogation before being cleared of all charges.

Iron Giant

A girl develops a very special relationship with a mechanical friend.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

The continuing story of four young boys who acquire a pair of magical jeans that fit all four of them perfectly, even though they are all different shapes and sizes.

When Harry Met Sally

In order to demonstrate a salient point about sexual roles, a man fakes an orgasm in a crowded deli. “I’ll have what he’s having.”

Thelma and Louise

Two men shoot their rapist, have sex with a young girl, and drive off a cliff while being chased by women.

The Accused

A man dresses like a whore and gets raped by two women on top of a pinball machine.

Almost Famous

A 15 year-old female music reporter has a sexual awakening at the hands of older male groupies.

American Beauty

An uptight man has an affair while his wife masturbates in the shower. Then she’s killed by her closeted lesbian neighbor.

Junior

A woman has a baby.

Boogie Nights

A woman with an enormous vagina enters the world of adult films.

Sex and the City 2

Four fabulous men with shoe fetishes go to Dubai to f*ck everything that moves.

A League of Their Own

While the women fight in World War II, the men stay home and play baseball.

Bend It Like Beckham

A young Indian boy defies his parents, who believe boys have no business playing soccer.

Thanks to Amanda Al-Masri, Nick Rutkaus

Since 1984, the fine people at the Criterion Collection have been dedicated to gathering the greatest films from around the world and publishing them in highest possible quality. But despite their valiant efforts, some important films are still missing from the collection.

Luckily, some ingenious folks over at the Jinx World Forums have taken it upon themselves to create distinctive, Criterion-style box covers for those films that have been overlooked. Here are 12 of our favorites in no particular order.

Our list is by no means definitive or comprehensive, so head over to Jinx World and take a look for yourselves.

Transformers
Posted by Cth

Dude, Where’s My Car
Posted by Cth

Manos: The Hand of Fate
Posted by Alabasterdeity

Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure
Posted by Thudpucker

Freddy Got Fingered
Posted by chrisfasowned

The Crying Game
Posted by MIKE D

Broke Back Mountain
Posted by Patton

Back To the Future
Posted by Patton

Groundhog Day
Posted by Patton

The Big Lebowski
Posted by The Dean

Fight Club
Posted by Cth

Teen Wolf
Posted by Pia Guerra

Thanks to all the artists at Jinx World Forums

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Just about everybody enjoys watching a goose-stepping kraut get his head blown off… Whites & blacks, Christians and Jews, liberals and conservatives; hell, even hardcore racists can find things to hate about the tenets of National Socialism (although say what you will, at least it’s an ethos).

So, in honor of Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds, we here at Screen Junkies have complied the Top Ten Nazi Killing Movies of all time. Sit back, relax, and enjoy this list of films that are guaranteed to put those filthy Huns where they belong: in the ground.

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN

If it’s dead Nazis you want, you’ve come to the right place. With sniper head shots, prisoner massacres, and our personal favorite, flamethrowers, Saving Private Ryan is like a meat grinder designed specifically for Uncle Fritz.

Of course, from time to time you do have to sit through some of Spielberg’s overwrought sentimentality, but it’s mainly confined to the beginning and the end. And besides, they throw in Private Ryan’s super-hot granddaughters to make up for it. Tom Hanks told Ryan to go and make something out of his life, and I’d have to say that those girls more than justify the deaths of most of the main characters.

Best Quote: “Don’t shoot; let ‘em burn”

STALINGRAD

Close to a million Nazi soldiers marched into the Battle of Stalingrad. Only about 5,000 made it home. Cue laugh track.

Many people view the film as a gritty masterpiece that perfectly encapsulates the senselessness and brutality of modern warfare. My suggestion to those people is to turn off the English subtitles. Without them, you’re not bogged down with things like “plot” and “character development,” and you’re free to experience the film for what it truly is; a nonstop laugh riot.

After all, unlike the other films on this list, Stalingrad shows the Nazi fighting the Bolsheviks, so no matter who dies, you win. Like grandpa always said, the only thing better than a dead German is a dead Russian.     

Best Quote: “Welcome to our grave.”

Memorable Clip: Storming the Factory

DOWNFALL

*Spoiler Alert*
Hitler Dies!
*End Spoiler Alert*

Downfall, the story of the last 12 days of Nazi Germany, is a confusing film. On the one hand, the film is chock-full of dead Nazis, including the big man himself, Adolf Hitler. That fact alone should make it a fun flick.

But on the other hand, the film is so brilliantly executed that you almost find yourself feeling sorry for the Nazis. Sure, we like to pretend we’re better than a society that could systematically exterminate somewhere between 11 million and 17 million people. But on the other hand, our society allows atrocities of its own, like Jeremih’s Birthday Sex, so who do we think we are?  

Best Quote:
Adolf Hitler: “I always make mistakes when I’m dictating.”

Memorable Scene: Hitler getting angry at anything. 

SHOCK WAVES

Shock Waves tells the story of a shipwrecked yachting party that discovers a secret island filled with Nazi zombies.

Now, we’re not going to pretend like we’ve seen this movie, but we put it on the list anyway. Why? Because the only thing better than watching a Nazi die is watching a Nazi die twice, and to pull that off you need Nazi zombies.

Also, it stars Peter Cushing, and he was Grand Moff Tarkin in Star Wars, so show some damn respect.

Best Quote: “That Nazi Zombie stole my bra!”  (Yeah, we made that up.)

Memorable Clip: The whole damn movie is up on Youtube.

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK/LAST CRUSADE

If you grew up in the ’80s and you enjoy seeing Nazis die, it’s probably because on Indiana Jones. In two of the four films, Indy found numerous ways kill the Jerries. And if Indy couldn’t handle it, supernatural forces would finish the job. Both the Jewish and Christian Gods decided to get in on the Nazi killing action, and they weren’t afraid to melt a few faces. Hell, Indy even had a Muslim friend, so I guess Allah hates Nazis too, which is saying something, because that dude tends to run with a dangerous crowd.

Yeah, I know it’s the same God for all three, so shut up.

Best Quote: “Nazis. I hate these guys.”

Check out the Original Theatrical Trailer for RAIDERS. 

THE BOYS FROM BRAZIL

Compared to the other films on this list, The Boys From Brazil has a relatively small amount of Nazi killing. But what it lacks in quantity, it makes up for in quality.

Starring Laurence Olivier, Gregory Peck, and James Mason, it has without a doubt the greatest cast ever assembled for a bizzaro sci-fi Hitler-cloning movie. It also has plenty of Nazi on Nazi violence, the evil Dr. Josef Mengele being eaten alive by dogs, and, to top it off, a young Steve Guttenberg.

After reading this article about Guttenberg a while ago, I was left with the impression that he definitely has a Google alert set up for his name. So, I’d just like to take this opportunity to say, “Hey Steve, how’s it going? I‘ve got my fingers crossed for Police Academy 8!”

Best Quote: 
“Do you know what I saw on the television in my motel room at one o’clock this morning? Films of Hitler! They are showing films about the war! The movement! People are fascinated! The time is ripe! Adolf Hitler is alive!”

Check out the Original Trailer HERE.

WHERE EAGLES DARE

If you’ve ever wondered how many krauts Clint Eastwood could kill, Where Eagles Dare has the answer: a lot. Throw in Richard Burton and a couple of hot chicks, and you’ve got a non-stop orgy of Nazi-killing goodness.

Best Quote: “Next time you have one of these things, keep it an all-British operation.”

Check out the Original Trailer.  
 

TO HELL AND BACK

To Hell and Back is the true story of America’s most decorated WWII veteran, Audie Murphy. Murphy was a bona fide bad ass who personally killed over 240 Krauts (and a few Italians for good measure). That doesn’t include the countless others he captured or wounded, or the six tanks he destroyed. This crazy bastard killed so many Jerries that they ran out of medals to give him, and had to start doubling up.

The best part of To Hell and Back is that Murphy actually stars in the film. He went on to star in numerous other movies, until 1971 when he decided to die in a plane crash.

Best Quote: “I’m Audie Murphy, bitch!” (Yeah, we made that one up too.) 



Memorable Clip: Audie Murphy’s introduction. 

KELLY’S HEROES

Another Clint Eastwood classic with a fairly awful soundtrack, Kelly’s Heroes is the story of a group of G.I.s who stop fighting for Uncle Sam and start fighting for 1.6 million dollars worth of hidden Nazi gold.

Co-starring Telly Savalas, Don Rickles, and Donald Sutherland as a strangely out of place beatnik, Kelly’s Heroes teaches us that if you can’t kill a Nazi you can always buy him off.

Oh, I forgot to mention that Uncle Leo from "Seinfeld" is also in this movie, not to mention Archie Bunker and Captain Steubing!

Best Quote: “We see our role as essentially defensive in nature. While our armies are advancing so fast and everyone’s knocking themselves out to be heroes, we are holding ourselves in reserve in case the Krauts mount a counteroffensive which threatens Paris… or maybe even New York. Then we can move in and stop them. But for 1.6 million dollars, we could become heroes for three days.”

Check out Part 1 of the Movie HERE.

THE DIRTY DOZEN

Actor Lee Marvin, who was actually shot in the ass by the Japanese while serving in the marines, leads an all-star cast in this subversive WWII masterpiece.

The grandfather of all Nazi-killing movies, The Dirty Dozen tells the tale of a group of 12 convicted murderers who are sent on a suicide mission to Nazi-occupied France. Their objective is to kill as many Nazi officers as possible. As you might expect, 12 psychopaths with machine guns do a pretty good job of killing people, including women, civilians, and other members of the unit.

From the looks of it, Tarantino borrowed heavily from this film. So if you’ve going to see one movie on this list before you watch Inglourious Basterds, make it The Dirty Dozen.  

Best Quote: “It’s judgment day, sinners!”

Check out this Memorable Scene.

Honorable Mention

Patton – The fact that George C. Scott’s brilliant portrayal of famed Nazi-killing General George S. Patton was left off this list is travesty, especially when considering a movie like Shock Waves made the cut. But eh, wadda ya gonna do?

The Blues Brothers – Only two Nazis die in this Chicagoland classic, but theirs is a spectacular death.

Wolfenstein 3D – If Wolfenstein 3D had been a movie, it surely would have made the list. But unfortunately, it’s a video game, so this revolutionary first-person shooter only gets honorable mention.

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Below are 10 grotesque clips of the goriest instances of alien-on-Earthling violence throughout cinema.

CLICK ON THE IMAGES TO VIEW THE VIDEOS

"WATER MY ASS! BRING THIS MAN SOME PEPTO BISMOL!!!" — ALIEN (1979)

JASON LEE VS. THE SH*T WEASEL — DREAMCATCHER (2003)

BILL DUKE CAUGHT IN THE CROSS HAIRS — PREDATOR (1987)

DEATH BY EXPLODING HUMAN — SLITHER (2006)

SO MUCH FOR DIPLOMACY! — MARS ATTACKS (1996)

KISS OF DEATH — SPECIES (1995)

TENTACLE ALIEN KILLS GINGER — THE MIST (2007)

"GET SOME!!" — STARSHIP TROOPERS (1997)

THE VENTRILOQUIST SCENE — KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE (1988)

"SOMEBODY IN THIS CAMP AIN’T WHAT HE APPEARS…" — THE THING (1982)

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE GROTESQUE HUMAN DEATHS AT THE HANDS OF EXTRATERRESTRIALS AND/OR INTERDIMENSIONAL BEINGS?

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In SPREAD, opening this Friday, Ashton Kutcher plays Nikki, a high-end lothario who has slept his way into a life of privilege.  We haven’t seen the film, but we’re pretty sure that we’d rather it focused on Kutcher’s co-star Margarita Levieva, if only to give us more screen time with her.  In the film, Levieva plays Heather, who turns out to be a grifter just like Nikki… and the plot thickens.

But it got us thinking that Heather, no matter how good she is at swindling through sex, has got some pretty stiff competition cinematically speaking.  The following ten sexpots are Screen Junkies’ picks for the 10 Hottest Female Grifters in Movies.

Angelina Jolie as Julie Russell

ORIGINAL SIN (2001)

When you have the ridonkulous hotness on your side, you can convince weak men to do anything.  In the case of ORIGINAL SIN, Julia (Angelina Jolie)is a high stakes grifter who seduces wealthy Cuban coffee magnate Luis (Antonio Banderas) into marrying her based on a bunch of overseas correspondence and charm.  Flash forward, past a lot of intrigue and a lot more ass shots (some Jolie good, some of the Banderas variety) and you wind up finding out Julia is in cahoots with Walter (Thomas Jane), the phony detective who’s been playing Luis almost as long as his partner.  Just not with his balls, like Julia.  We don’t want to spoil too much, but run out and rent this to check out Jolie’s performance, which garnered her the 2001 Worst Actress Razzie award.  And she didn’t even have to $%*& anyone to get it.

Barbara Stanwyck as Phyllis Dietrichson

DOUBLE INDEMNITY (1944) 

Barbara Stanwyck is the O.G. of this sultry bunch, but still one of the best thanks to her role as conniving femme fatale Phyllis Dietrichson in Billy Wilder’s DOUBLE INDEMNITY.  After taking out a sizable life insurance policy on her husband, Dietrichson seduces insurance man Walter Neff (Fred MacMurray) so badly he agrees to murdering the cuckold in cold blood.  We won’t tell you what happens in the rest of the film – this is one of the best Film Noir flicks EVER and you should see it – but suffice it to say that if we were on the receiving end of Dietrichson’s advances back in the day, we might have done some very bad things, too.  Not sold?  Check out some of this smoldering dialogue between Neff & Phyllis:

Phyllis: Mr. Neff, why don’t you drop by tomorrow evening about eight-thirty. He’ll be in then.
Walter Neff: Who?
Phyllis: My husband. You were anxious to talk to him weren’t you?
Walter Neff: Yeah, I was, but I’m sort of getting over the idea, if you know what I mean.
Phyllis: There’s a speed limit in this state, Mr. Neff. Forty-five miles an hour.
Walter Neff: How fast was I going, officer?
Phyllis: I’d say around ninety.
Walter Neff: Suppose you get down off your motorcycle and give me a ticket.
Phyllis: Suppose I let you off with a warning this time.
Walter Neff: Suppose it doesn’t take.
Phyllis: Suppose I have to whack you over the knuckles.
Walter Neff: Suppose I bust out crying and put my head on your shoulder.
Phyllis: Suppose you try putting it on my husband’s shoulder.
Walter Neff: That tears it.  

Sigourney Weaver as Max Conners

Jennifer Love Hewitt as Page Conners

HEARTBREAKERS (2001) 

You gotta have one tag team on the list, and this is about as hot as it gets… at least on paper.  Starring as a mother-daughter con artist team, Weaver and Love Hewitt fleece wealthy men out of their savings. The grift is this, Weaver finds and marries rich men. Then JLH swoops in and seduces them. Weaver catches them in the act and takes the guys for all they’re worth in divorce proceedings. Although the movie wasn’t all that great, the two have a nice chemistry together. And by that I’m talking about the movie’s real stars. (Hint: Hewitt’s boobs.) 

Karin Dor as Helga Brandt

YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967) 

James Bond has slept with plenty of women who are after more than just his pocket Walther PPK, but our pick for most conniving of the bunch is Helga Brandt, played by hot German strudel Karin Dor in YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE.  A loyal henchwoman of arch-villain Ernst Stavro Blofeld, head of the nefarious SPECTRE, Brandt attempts to kill Bond by pretending to defect to his side.  She ends up defecting to his side of the bed as well, and not for lack of trying.  "Mr. Osato believes in a healthy chest," says Brandt to Bond, as she mixes him a stiff drink in her boss, Osato’s office.  Sadly, Osato also believes in standing by while his employees are eaten alive by Blofeld’s pet piranhas – a fate Brandt meets after her failure to finish Bond once and for all.  Fun fact: the film was written by Roald Dahl. 

Sara Foster as Nancy Hayes

THE BIG BOUNCE (2004) 

Based on Elmore Leonard’s first crime novel, THE BIG BOUNCE stars Owen Wilson as a small time crook who gets involved with scorching hot Sara Foster. Together they team up to take down a sleazy real estate developer whom she is sleeping with. Naturally because it is an Elmore Leonard story, she has her own hidden agenda. Who’d have thought that a backstabbing mistress couldn’t be trusted? BORING FACT: Sara Foster is Hollywood royalty and introduced Ashton Kutcher to Demi Moore.

Jennifer Tilly as Violet

BOUND (1996) 

Before playing with bullet-time and high wire kung fu, the Wachowski Brothers bent stereotypes about sexuality in the Billy Wilder-inspired BOUND. Jennifer Tilly plays a woman who wants out of her abusive relationship with Mafioso Joe Pantoliano. She falls into the arms of Gina Gershon who helps her make off with 2 million mob bucks, leaving a pile of Italian bodies along the way. Much like the fight scenes in THE MATRIX, the sex scenes in BOUND were also choreographed. This time the moves are plotted out by sex expert Susie Bright not by Yuen Woo-ping, who is rumored to be terrible in bed.

Alison Doody as Dr. Elsa Schneider

Indiana Jones & THE LAST CRUSADE (1989)

Life can be cruel, but karma eventually wins out.  And so it goes for the actress whose surname is synonymous with feces for most first graders, but whose uncompromising good looks is synonymous with boners for grown men.  Yes, Alison Doody solidified (ha) her place in the pantheon of sexy cinematic swindlers when, as Dr. Elsa Schneider, she slept her way int Indiana Jones‘s trust one hot, sticky night in Venice, Italy… before selling Dr. Jones out to the Nazis.  Had Indy only heeded Short Round’s prophetic portent that there’s "No time for love," he’d never EVER get into these sorts of messes.  But then again… even some Nazis can be too hot to brush off.  

Nicole Kidman as Suzanne Stone Maretto

TO DIE FOR (1995) 

All Nicole Kidman wants is a little attention in Gus Van Sant’s twisted dark comedy TO DIE FOR. Kidman stars as a woman so determined to be a famous news anchor that she seduces a teenager into killing her husband because he wants her to put her career on hold. Without giving away too much of the plot, we’ll just say that the film is an excellent satire of the media circus and the greedy people that desire fame no matter the cost. The movie really is very good and Kidman is hilarious in it. If you haven’t seen this yet make that the next thing you do. Okay. Put pants on first. 

Drew Barrymore as Ivy

POISON IVY (1992) 

"What Ivy wants, Ivy gets," is this film’s tagline, and it couldn’t be truer about the titular character played by Drew Barrymore, who befriends schoolmate Sylvie Cooper (Sara Gilbert) to infiltrate her family and eventually move in with them.  Shortly thereafter, Ivy gets in father Darryl’s (Tom Skerritt) pants, and – SPOILER ALERT – takes mother Georgie (Cheryl Ladd) out of the picture through… muuuuurdeeeer.  Take that, Strokes guitarist Albert Hammond Jr. and actor/Mac shill Justin Long! Tom Skerritt had Drew FIRST! 

Rebecca Romijn as Laure Ash

FEMME FATALE (2002) 

Way back during the Stamos years, Rebecca Romijn teamed up with Brian De Palma to bear it all in FEMME FATALE. Starring as a jewel thief who knows how to get her hands on more than just precious stones. The big score takes place during a Cannes Film Festival screening when sexy Rie Rasmussin enters ass-naked save for some chain mail and diamond-encrusted bra. The plan is simple and evidently dreamt up by a fourteen year old hornball. Ash is to casually approach the model while she is clad in millions, walk her away from security, and convince her to partake in a quickie in the bathroom (a classic move known as ‘the Hartnett’). During the steamy lesbian tryst, the body armor is swapped out for a counterfeit. If you thought it was exciting to see Tom Cruise get the NOC List out of Langley in De Palma’s MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE, you’ll be a different kind of excited to watch Rasmussin get out of those clothes.

What sexual grifter ladies from film would you be willing to sleep with if it meant very bad things for you later?

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By Seymour Hersh, Investigative Journalist

To most Americans, the G.I. Joes are an elit fighting force, made up of our nation’s best and brightest, who risk their lives to safeguard our country and its values. But like most patriotic fairy tales, the truth is far more disturbing. From the My Lai Massacre to Abu Ghraib, the G.I. Joe’s have been behind every major atrocity of the past forty years. Time and time again the Joes have jeopardized American national security in order to advance their own narrow agenda.  

What began in the late 60’s as a special forces unit has grown into the most powerful, and arguably most corrupt, military organization in the world. The success of the Joes can be attributed to the ruthless leadership of Major General Clayton M. Abernathy, better known as General Hawk.  Hawk, whose wealthy Denver family bought his way into West Point, positioned the Joes to ride the patriotic wave of Ronald Reagan’s America to the height of their power in the mid-eighties. After some lean years under Bill Clinton, the Joes found themselves back on top after the events of 9/11.

Today the Joes are a reactionary fighting force, pimping themselves to any tin-pot dictator or unscrupulous corporation that needs a problem to ‘disappear.’ They continue to use the endless “War on COBRA” to justify their corrupt pursuit of power for power’s sake. The follwing details the Joes’ history of murder, drug trafficking, and other crimes.

Men have died to keep these facts from the public, but now you know…an knowing is half the battle.

– SEYMOUR HERSH

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Nowadays, early buzz is as important to a film as the star whose name appears above the title. A bad review could snowball into bad word of mouth and then Twitter gets a hold of it and the opening weekend is shot. Have a look at the recent releases of Funny People and Bruno. Both were anticipating to stack dollars into the stratosphere but due to early complaints about issues with length and penises (I feel ya) the films underperformed (that’s how I roll).

Paramount has supposedly decided to handpick the websites and critics who would be allowed to review the upcoming G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra in order to avoid any caustic write-ups. We thought it would be refreshing if the studios were just honest for a change and wore their bad reviews like a badge of honor. Like when Billy Madison got all the kids to piss their pants.

Take a look below at our gallery from an alternate universe… where COMPLETELY REAL negative reviews are the hallmark of movie posters:

Chan Wook Park’s THIRST opens this Friday, and if you haven’t seen the trailer or read up in the genre flick, it’s about a priest who gets turned into a blood-sucking vampire.  Pretty saucy sh*t for a man of the cloth.  The film ended up winning the Grand Jury prize at Cannes, but it’s not the first time we’ve seen Priests and Preachers go all badass on film and it’s almost as sure as the Pope is Catholic that it won’t be the last.  Clint Eastwood’s aptly named "Preacher" from PALE RIDER is potentially one of the most iconic badasses ever committed to celluloid period, let alone a clergyman.  (He’s so classically badass, he’s too good for this list).  But you need a chapel to house all the other unorthodox preachers who’ve graced the silver screen.

So pray for forgiveness, sinners – or anyone who gets in these guys’ way, really.  Here come ten of cinema’s mos kick-ass holy men looking to raise holy hell!

Harvey Keitel as "Jacob Fuller"

FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (1996)
A pastor experiencing a crisis of faith, Jacob is kidnapped, along with his family, by the Geck brothers (George Clooney & Quentin Tarantino), two criminals on the run from the law. The Geckos force Jacob to drive them into Mexico, where they stop off at "The Titty Twister," a strip club whose employees turn out to be – you guessed it – vampires.  What’s a man of waning faith to do?  Kill the vampires with a shotgun and baseball bat forged into the shape of a crucifix, of course.

Chris Sarandon as "Rev. ‘J.C.’ Current"

BORDELLO OF BLOOD (1996)
THE PRINCESS BRIDE’s own Prince Humperdinck, Chris Sarandon plays a corrupt evangelist whose organization is on the take from a brothel run out of a funeral home.  Oh, and the hookers are bloodsuckers.  When a private investigator named Rafe (Dennis Miller) uncovers the brothel and its supernatural inhabitants, the Reverend switches teams, repenting for his sins and teaming up with Rafe to Super-soak the sh*t out of the vampire hookers with holy water. 

Cheech Marin as "Fr. Benicio Del Toro"

GRINDHOUSE (2007)
It’s been announced that Robert Rodriguez‘s next project will be the feature-length version on MACHETE, a fake trailer in the middle of his and QT’s GRINDHOUSE double feature.  The bad news?  We have to wait until next year to see it.  The good news?  We’ll likely get a whole helluvalot more Fr. Benicio spewing awesome one-liners like in the clip below.

Mojo Nixon as "Preacher Man Bob"

BUTTCRACK (1998)
In this overlooked Troma flick, rocker Mojo Nixon plays a gun-totin’, Bible-thumpin’ holy man name "Preacher Man Bob," who must right the universal karma accidently set wrong when a member of his congregation inadvertently kills his obnoxious butt-cleavaged roommate, Wade.  Memorable quote from the Preacher Man himself: "Now God, I done said all I had to say at Brother Wade’s first funeral. I just hope you can call him home this time so we don’t have to kill him and go through this all over again."

Rene Auberjonois as "Reverend Oliver"

THE PATRIOT (2000)
You may recognize him as the shape-shifting Odo from "Deep Space 9," but character actor Rene Auberjonois was never more kick-ass than as the Reverend Oliver, a man of the cloth recruited by Gabriel Martin (Heath Ledger) to fight against the Redcoats in the militia.  Oliver may be a peaceful man, but during wartime, all pacts with God are put on hold.

Paul McGann as "Vicar"

LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS (2009)
When two lovable losers escape the real world by taking a backwoods adventure, they soon find out sh*t is even realer outside the city.  As you might be able to tell from the title, they have a run-in with a bunch of lesbian vampires.  But they have help in the form of the kick-ass Vicar, who believes that one of the heroes is actually the descendant of a local vampire slayer. Convenient.

Micheal McShane as "Friar Tuck"

Robin Hood: PRINCE OF THIEVES (1991)
He starts out the movie as a humble, quiet holy man, but ends the movie as a rough-and-tumble, loud-as-hell fighter in Robin Hood‘s (Kevin Costner) band of Merry Men.  He also kicks the ever loving sh*t out of his antagonistic opposite, a henchman of the awesome but treacherous Sheriff of Nottingham (Alan Rickman).  Check it out below.

Bing Crosby as "Fr. Chuck O’Malley"

THE BELLS OF ST. MARY’S (1945)
While he doesn’t physically kick anyone’s ass, Fr. O’Malley nonetheless holds beliefs that don’t necessarily click with the other clergy at St. Mary’s.  When a couple of his students get into a scuffle, the good padre waxing poetic about his appreciation for a man who can take care of himself, implying that when the time calls for it, Jesus is okay with you beating an adversary senseless.  Check out Bing Crosby‘s eyes in the scene below and it’s not hard to imagine a character not unlike Viggo Mortensen‘s from A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE.

Paul Freeman as "Rev. Philip Shooter"

HOT FUZZ (2007)
Dude! It’s f**king Belloq from RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, playing a priest who comes after Simon Pegg and Nick Frost with twin cap-busters.  He’s on the list.  No explanation needed.

Stuart Devenie as "Father McGruder"

BRAINDEAD/DEAD ALIVE (1992)
With six words – "I kick ass for the Lord!" – and some Kung Fu, Stuart Devenie, and solidified himself as the most memorable kick-ass movie preacher ever (yes, aside from Eastwood in PALE RIDER).  If you still haven’t seen Peter Jackson‘s 1992 flick about a virus spread from a Sumatran Rat-Monkey, do yourself a favor and drop everything.  The second half is still one of cinema’s goriest and outrageous zombie bloodbaths. You may need to talk to a priest after witnessing it.

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Out of the 30,000 movies produced each year only 700 see theatrical distribution. If you do the math correctly, that means that there are exactly one gazillion movies that very few people see — movies that have their own charms whether those charms be a skewed sense of humor or a dude jacking off onto a chicken. For every watered down family-friendly blowstravaganza like Wild Hogs, there’s a truly brilliant gem that has only found itself a small but loyal group of fans. We’ve turned over a few rocks and come up with trailers for ten crazy little cult flicks.

RUBIN AND ED

Rubin and Ed trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

“This is the perfect spot to bury a cat!”

Rubin and Ed looks like an amazingly surreal movie. You’ve got the always eccentric Crispin Glover dressed like an uncool lesbian and Howard Hesseman wearing Stan Lee’s hair. Together the two form an unlikely bond and go on an adventure to bury Rubin’s dead cat. The journey is frought with peril, hallucinations, really high-heeled shoes, waterskiing cats, and pyramid schemes. It’s like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid through the lens of Hunter S. Thompson.

BAD BOY BUBBY

Bad Boy Bubby Trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

“God doesn’t like fat people!!”

Definitely the most bizarre of the bunch, Bad Boy Bubby is an Australian cult film about a 35 year old shut-in who ventures into the world for the first tme. The trailer makes it seem tame but trust me the movie is completely shocking due to scenes of incest, blasphemy, violence, menacing, and animal cruelty. The initial release was banned in the UK which is already a pretty seedy place. Need I remind you that’s where George Michael lives?

THE GATE

The Gate (1987) Trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

“There is a passageway to the most evil place you can imagine… a gate. Behind which the demons wait to take back what was once theirs.” (In other words, the pilgrims dicked over the demons.)

The trailer begins with young Stephen Dorff cracking open a rock that unleashes an army of demons into his suburban home. This seems like a bizarre move considering that all the children around him are extremely demon-savvy. I especially enjoy around the 1:00 mark when the girl exclaims, “Demons? What kind?!!” The perfectly natural response to which would be a sarcastic, “Oh well, let me just grab my copy of Demonology for Dummies and… THEY’RE F***ING DEMONS, THAT’S WHAT KIND!!”

Since its 1987 release, The Gate has amassed a good number of fans including Alex Winter, who has begun work on his own remake of the film. And speaking of Alex Winter…

FREAKED

freaked trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

I am woman. And I like me.”

Alex Winter’s opus, Freaked tells the tale of a spoiled Hollywood super-douche who is kidnapped by a sinister mad bio-engineer and mutated into a side-show freak. He bands together with the other experimentations (including Mr. T as a bearded lady) to fight for their freedom from the oppressive Colonel Sanders wannabe that holds them captive. With inventive freaks and machine gun-toting Rasta Eyeballs, it’s safe to say that Freaked isn’t for every movie-goer but definitely held dear by its fans.

HAPPINESS

HAPPINESS – Trailer ( 1998 ) – Watch more Funny Videos

“I’m living in a state of irony.”

I’m a jerk for not having seen Happiness yet. My friends rave about it and demand that I check it out. I’ve watched Todd Solondz’s other films and really dug them so I don’t know why I’ve held out on this one. This trailer is really entertaining and Dylan Baker as a bored psychiatrist cracks my sh*t up. I guess the reason I haven’t seen it is because I’m easily distrac– OOO LOOK! BRIDE OF CHUCKY IS ON AGAIN. I’MA WATCH THIS!

NIGHT OF THE DAY OF THE DAWN OF THE SON OF THE BRIDE OF THE RETURN OF THE REVENGE OF THE TERROR OF THE ATTACK OF THE EVIL, MUTANT, HELLBOUND, FLESH-EATING SUBHUMANOID ZOMBIFIED LIVING DEAD, PART 3

The Movie – Watch more Funny Videos

“Listen up baby. I got a bunch of cracker ass, white zombie honkey muthaf***as jackin’ up my fresh ride. If I don’t waste their white asses they’re gonna come in here and house us.”

This awesomely-titled Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Hellbound, Flesh-Eating Subhumanoid Zombified Living Dead, Part 3 (or NotDotDotSotBotRotRotTotAotEMHFESZLD III as I like to call it) is a comedic redub of the George Romero classic Night of the Living Dead. Why? Because the original really didn’t capture the nuances of Black Culture properly. It re-envisions the ill-fated cast as a jive-talkin’ slickster, a blissed out surfer and a racist. Plus everyone’s favorite, wise-cracking zombies!!

EX DRUMMER

Ex Drummer Trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

“Ooooo. Look at me. I’m so German.”

I haven’t seen this film but it looks like a really slick trailer. The movie is about three handicapped low-lifes who draft a celebrity author into their band. His handicap is that he can’t play the drums. The visuals look great and I’m definitely adding this to my Netflix queue. It seems to be filled with violence, brutality, and nihilism. Not to mention, the song from the trailer sounds like something Ween would record. Whatever happened to handi-capable bands that visit school auditoriums and encourage hugs over drugs? These dudes definitely don’t look like any hug addicts I’ve ever met.

AMERICAN MOVIE

American Movie Trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

“Aw dude. I’m sorry I tried to put your head through that.”

The only documentary in the bunch, American Movie tags along as independant filmmaker Mark Borchardt struggles to make his own cult-quality film. It’s a sincerely one-of-a-kind, hilarious. and heartfelt film and was a darling at Sundance about a decade ago. That’s why I’m surprised when people tell me that they’ve never heard of this. You kids today with your Clarence Clemonses and your jazz-tap dancing. Back in my day we knew how to document!

DELICATESSEN

Delicatessen Trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

“Squeeka squeeka.”

Another fantastic trailer for a crazy movie. Though the plot details are only communicated to us visually we still get perfect sense of the film’s themes of love and cannibalism. Which is good seeing as all dialogue is in the French language and I studied the more practical language of wood shop. I can’t order a crepe but I can build a birdhouse that will just blow your doors off.

ROLLING THUNDER

ROLLING THUNDER (1977) Theatrical trailer * William Devane * WID – Watch more Funny Videos

“Let’s go clean them up.”

TV cad William Devane and Tommy Lee Jones co-star in this tale about war heroes who return to find their world has changed. Throw in a dead son and a lost hand and you’ve got a recipe for a bloodbath. The pacing of the film itself is quite strange as well. At one point, Tommy Lee Jones’s character is asked, “What are you doing?” He replies stone-faced, “We’re gonna kill a bunch of people.” I don’t want to give away any spoilers but, excluding Two-Face, have you ever known Tommy Lee Jones to lie?

Honorable mentions go to Troll 2 and The Room only because we wrote about them in our Totally Awfulsome Movies post from a few months back.

What are your favorite cult flicks that we have yet to discover? Sound off in the ‘Comment’ section below.

Seems like 9 times out of 10, the headliner on a feature film comedy has his or her roots in the stand up comedy circuit.  Think about the mega-bankable big guns today, whether or not you think they’re funny: Kevin James… Ben Stiller… Kevin James again.

This week FUNNY PEOPLE opens, and in it, Adam Sandler plays a version of his real self – a comedian named George Simmons who went from the nightclub circuit to multiplexes with movies like MERMAN, SAYONARA DAVEY and RE-DO.

And just this summer, THE HANGOVER made comedian’s comedian Zack Galifianakis‘s star meter smash through the glass ceiling of obscurity with a velvet hammer.  (He had us at "ritard.")

We got to thinking, who else deserves a big break like Galifianakis? Here are some stand up comedians we think are a project away from the big time.  With video evidence of their stand up routines to hopefully help prove our case.
 

PATTON OSWALT

Patton Oswalt‘s on the verge of superstardom already, so let’s start with him.  His album, WEREWOLVES & LOLLIPOPS, recorded live from Austin, Texas, is a certified classic (the video above has some material from it), and he’s already been the voice of the main mouse in Pixar’s RATATOUILLE.  His next big thing is playing an obsessed New York Giants fan in the aptly named BIG FAN, which looks to be a straight up drama, possibly as disturbing as ONE HOUR PHOTO.  What would be OUR dream project to blow up Oswalt’s acting career?  A forty-something lovable loser still living in his parents’ house, whose parents hire a hot girl to date him so he moves.  Yeah it’s FAILURE TO LAUNCH, but it’s a lot more realistic.  Also, in our version the parents would be arrested for soliciting a prostitute.

BOBB’E J. THOMPSON

Bobb’e J. Thompson‘s the funniest ‘tween working today, and while he doesn’t have a background in straight up stand up, per se, we wanted to include him nonetheless, thanks to the clip above, in which he steals all of Steve Harvey‘s thunder (and at one time, that was no small task).  Bobb’e is showing up early in this list because his stardom seems as inevitable as Artie Lange‘s premature death. He’s already had scene stealing moments in movies lik ROLE MODELS, FRED CLAUS, and as Tracy Jr. on 30 ROCK.  And this kid’s already played Gary Coleman in  "BEHIND THE CAMERA: THE UNAUTHORIZED STORY OF DIFF’RENT STROKES.  Our dream project for young Bobb’e?  Donning his Gene Simmons/KISS-inspired makeup from ROLE MODELS and playing a gang leader in Tony Scott‘s THE WARRIORS remake.

ROB HUEBEL & AZIZ ANSARI

As you might be able to deduce from the clip, Rob Huebel‘s been in a lot of
commercials. His role as Inconsiderate Cell Phone Man in the Lowe’s Theater
spots is a dead on impersonation of a douchebag. Rob was also in I LOVE
YOU, MAN as Tevin Downey Paul Rudd’s douchey nemesis. Needless to say,
Huebel plays douchey well. Aziz Ansari is all over the place right now, partnering
up with Rob on HUMAN GIANT, starring as RAAAAAAAANDY in FUNNY PEOPLE, and
trying to be a married playboy in PARKS AND RECREATION. We’d like to see
these guys partner up in a feature as a daft, bickering villain duo. Since
we just used the word "daft" maybe they could even be british, or at least
Rob could be. The British and the Indians never understand each other. Don’t believe us?  Check out Sir Richard Attenborough‘s laugh riot GANDHI.   

NICK SWARDSON

A hilarious standup comedian and "Friend of Sandler," Nick Swardson has
secured memorable bit parts in TV and film usually as a gay man, a stoner,
or both. As flamboyant Terry in RENO 911!, he constantly feeds the sheriff’s
office false information while trying to maintain his balance. He’s also the
voice of Gay Robot in GAY ROBOT, a great series of webisodes produced by
Sandler. Nick can also be seen as Michael in YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN,
and Jeff in GRANDMA’S BOY. As a staring role, we’d like to see Nick play a
man-child unaware of his blatant homosexuality and who’s forced into a Christian
summer camp that turns men straight.  The title of the movie?  THE HOMOSEXORCIST.

JON BENJAMIN

You’ll probably recognize Jon Benjamin‘s voice more than his Bruce Willis-like mug (he’s the one on the TV in the clip above). He’s done voice work for DR. KATZ, HOME MOVIES FAMILY GUY, AQUA TEEN, and my personal favorite, "The Can of Vegetables" in WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER. As a feature role, we’d like to see Jon play the conscience of a pervert. He could manifest himself at some point so his physical form could appear on screen, but mainly we want to hear him say dirty words.

WHITNEY CUMMINGS

If you ask the five dentists who do the research for those toothpaste commercials, four out of five will say the funniest comedienne is Sarah Silverman.  But while her early material is pretty damn funny (and adorable), and THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM is inspired, we think she’s already a star by virtue of being the top of the heap.  So who gets the Screen Junkies bump?  Whitney Cummings, who was a writer on the COMEDY CENTRAL ROAST OF BOB SAGET, and acted in an episode of Fox’s HOUSE, which is known for its hilarity.  Our dream project for Whitney?  Anything other than HOUSE, M.D.  

BRIAN POSEHN

The man Sarah Silverman nicknamed "Weirdo" (because Galifianakis had "Beardo" taken) has been around on TV as far back as MR. SHOW, and has made a lot of cameos, including playing the priest who marries Sue Storm and Reed Richards in FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER.  But he’s never quite had the success he’s deserved, possibly because he looks like the child of Sasquatch and Beaker from THE MUPPETS.  He also looks a lot like Eric Wareheim of TIM & ERIC AWESOME SHOW GREAT JOB! and even played Eric in show’s fake SPAGETT! movie.  Our dream project for Posehn?  The Swedish drummer for an 80s hair metal band playing an amusement park that get taken over by terrorists.  The film’s name?  ROCK HARD.  The co-author?  Me.  (Shameless Plug Alert Editor’s Note: The script’s option just expired.)

DANIEL TOSH

Daniel really hasn’t been in jack, unless you count his role as "Cowboy Hat"
in THE LOVE GURU. So it’s a testament to his talent that he got his own show TOSH.0 on Comedy Central.  He’s also done some great stand up during which he discusses what it was like to be a rich kid growing up in Orange County, or The O.C. That sounds like a movie right there. Sure, it’s been done a hundred times (and has headed north into Malibu with Jamie Kennedy, too), but not with Daniel Tosh as the lead.

Who are YOUR favorite semi-famous or up-and-coming stand up comedians who deserve to hit it big?

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Something’s Wrong with Esther. That’s the tagline for the film Orphan opening wide this Friday. Either it’s just me, or there’s been something wrong with a lot of kids at the cinema as of lately.   

It used to be we’d occasionally get an outstanding f*cked up youngster:

But now it seems there’s a flock of mediocre mini sociopaths running amoke on the silver screen. Have the parents in these films never heard of a child psychologist? Or a good punch to the temple? Both are effective for different reasons, but I can guarantee you that either method will get your demented offspring, or unfortunate adoption, to quit lighting your pets, houses, and better behaved children on fire. That is unless head shrinking and corporal punishment really pisses them off. Then you might just have to put them down for good.

Let’s take a look at some of the menacing kiddies who have recently been causing their on-screen mothers to wish they’d considered an "alternative option" to parenthood.  

Aidan Keller in The Ring

Aiden’s not a sociopath, he just sees pale dead girls with really long hair. But you don’t have to look into those souless eyes for very long to know that this kid has some issues. Can’t you draw your mother anything else but a stupid black ring?! Try a rainbow for once! 

Young Sean in Birth

Cameron Bright’s character is supposedly the reincarnation of his dead father and Nicole Kidman’s character’s husband. That’s got to be a confusing situation to find yourself in. You want to bang your wife but your only ten years old and your balls haven’t dropped yet. No wonder he’s grabbing Kidman’s face so intensely. He’s a sexually frustrated man trapped inside a pubeless body. 

Adam Duncan in Godsend

Here we go with Cameron Bright again. This kid was born to play the creepy son. In this film he’s the perfect example as to why you don’t clone your dead child. Sometimes dead is better, as we learned in Pet Semetary. If you really want to keep your deceased child around a few years longer find a really large Tupperware casket and squirt some lemon juice on him or her. My mom used to do it with my apple slices when I was younger and it worked splendidly. 

Emily Callaway in Hide and Seek

Turn Dakota Fanning into a brunette and suddenly she’s a psycho. Perhaps blonds do really have more fun… Or hair color is toxic. We won’t go into the completely ridiculous turn of events in this film, but if you love Fight Club and you hate idea thievery then you probably won’t like De Niro’s predicament.   

Damien Thorn in The Omen (2006)

One of the truly original creepy kids reimagined with glossier film stock and a Razer scooter. He also apparently enjoys staring contests because he won’t stop looking at you. I get that it’s supposed to be unsettling, but come on Damien, you’re making me self-concious. I mean, do I have sauce from my Panda Express orange chicken on my face? If I give you my fortune cookie will you stop glaring at me from across the kitchy dining area? It’s all for you, Damien!  

Joshua Cairn in Joshua

I think there’s a rule that at least once in these films the creepy kid has to appear in a darling suit or sportcoat. It just makes them look so grown up and normal when they’re anything but. In Joshua we’ve got another case of a jealous sibling who takes things too far. Vera Farmiga plays Joshua’s mother, a very similar role to her character in Orphan.  How many crazy kids can one woman rear in her career’s lifetime?

Tomas in The Orphanage

This is a truly entertaining and powerful horror film. You may think it’s about some reject kid with a sack on his head and a whistle around his neck, but you’d be wrong. If you haven’t seen it rent it right away. It carries the promise of a creepy kid in wide angle shots and some heartwarming scenes to boot. The lead protagonist ain’t so bad either:  

Cole Sear in The Sixth Sense

The original kid who sees dead people. Cole and Aidan from The Ring should get together and discuss their issues. No one can deny though that Haley Joel gave us a fantastic Oscar-nominated performance. He spent the whole movie with Bruce Willis and that little patch of fake hair they put on the front of his head, and Haley didn’t laugh once. 

– IAN SOBEL

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This week, Disney’s latest action film G-Force opens.  It’s the story of an elite team of Guinea Pigs – voiced by the likes of Nic Cage, Penelope Cruz, Sam Rockwell & Tracy Morgan – dispatched to stop a billionaire (Bill Nighy) from taking over the world with diabolical household appliances. 

And it’s no government secret that cute Guinea Pigs plus tiny weaponry is a formula for Disney to sell the crap out of toys to boys and girls alike.  Toys like these "Darwin" and "Hurley" action figures are only the beginning.

But not all the toys get approved for mass production, or even make it to prototype phase.  Yes, some toys remain as concepts, because the Federal Trade Commission sh*ts all over the faster than an IBS-stricken rodent on wood shavings.

These are 5 Disney’ G-Force tie-in toys that never went to market.*

Turn your pet Guinea Pig into a super-powered government agent with the new G-Force™ Guinea Pig Mutation Lab™!  Simply feed your little one(s) the super serum (included), place them in the Mutation Chamber, seal the door tight and choose your level of mutation.  Press the "Start" button to let the fun begin!  That’s hot!  (Warning: Warning: Allow Guinea Pig to cool for 2 -3 minutes after mutation.)

Turn your favorite pets into fast and FURRY-ous airborne weapons with the new Disney’s G-Force™ Guinea-Pult™ system!  Simply strap the safety goggles onto guinea pig and equip pet with weapons of choice (kamikaze package pictured), place in the firing seat, pull back and let fly!  With the Guinea-Pult™, no crime is too FUR away! 

Love sending your Guinea Pig on aquatic missions but hate all that nonsense about it not being able to swim?  Check out Disney’s G-Force™ Underwater Exploration Kit™!  Just strap your guinea pig’s feet into the swim fins, tape the mini speargun to its fur and attach the emergency air supply to its back (glue not included).  Then place your little "frogpig" into the sturdy submersible – making sure to tie the handles to seal in some extra breathable air!  Now you’re making a splash!

Your pet Guinea Pig operative can fit just about anywhere with the Disney’s G-Force™ Spelunk-o-Matic™ Vac-U-Pump™. With its patented Advanced Squeezing System) technology and "Rodent Lube" (included), the Pump literally injects your little explorer into the warm, dark tunnels that criminals like to use as their evil lairs. Need an emergency exit? Simple! Just switch the Pump to "Reverse" and it becomes a Rescue "E-VAC". Also includes "Cleansing solution" to flush out tunnel debris prior to insertion of rodent.  WHOA!  That’s tight!

Oh no! Your furry little operative has been captured by the enemy!! Now with Disney’s G-Force™ Battle Arena™ your fuzzy-wuzzy can fight for freedom– gladiator style. Just place pig and live opponent at opposite corners of the Battle Arena (parental guidance suggested), pull arms away as fast as possible and watch the show!  Note: Reptiles may be tired so it’s a good idea to agitate them first using Disney’s G-Force™ Reptile Excite-o-Stick™ (sold separately).  Let’s get it on, son!

 *Not true at all, Disney lawyers and esteemed members of the Humane Society and PETA.

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It sparked heated debate and words were said that cannot be taken back (Patrick called me a f** so I had my manager sucker punch him), but despite the brouhaha we were able to pare down the list to include the true Home Run Kings. So please join us as we pay salute to our national pastime with this montage of cinema’s greatest hits (and we threw one TV show in there because it’s too good to pass up).

If the video below doesn’t show up, click HERE to see it (and please accept our apologies).

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15. Cher
as Alexandra Medford in The Witches on Eastwick (1987)
Cher may be a hell of a singer, if not always the best actress, but in this 80’s magical movie she got to show off her hots, received a significantly larger role than she normally did in her films, and showed what a sexy magical babe she could be.  That’s her on the left of the Eastwick poster if you didn’t already know.

14.  Susan Sarandon
as Queen Narissa in Enchanted (2007)
Sarandon may be the MILFiest of the girls on this list.  She brought a cacklin glee to her role as the jealous magical queen Narissa and got to cheese it up and put to use some witchy bitchy talents she developed on the set of The Witches of Eastwick, too (check out the poster above if you missed it).

13.  Sarah Jessica Parker
as Sarah Sanderson in Hocus Pocus (1993)
Long before her days as a relationally challenged middle-aged woman on "Sex and the City," Parker played one of the three witches in Disney’s family-friendly Hocus Pocus. Parker’s role required her to be a ditz, but more importantly, to wear a low cut dress and have just the cutest little laugh.  Our ten-year old selves knew that low cut dress very, very well.

12.  Sandra Bullock
as Sally Owens in Practical Magic (1998)
Back when she was still America’s sweetheart, girl next door, Sandra Bullock tried her own hand at magic, as Sally Owens, a witch with a curse on her family that caused any who dared love them to die.   The role remains, to this day, Bullock’s only dabbling in the world of magic.

11.  Nicole Kidman
as Isabel in Bewitched (2005)
Years after she played opposite Bullock as her sister, Kidman tried to play a witch again, with disastrous results in the Bewitched remake.  Despite all that film’s flaws, we just can’t get over how damn cute that little nose twitch is.  Maybe she is a witch and just doesn’t want anyone to know it yet.  Kidman is certainly magical enough.

10.  Emma Watson
as Hermione in the Harry Potter series
There’s not much that’s hotter than a chick who’s smart AND could tell you every single possible use for unicorn hair (EVERY use), at least according to the wet dreams of fanboys all over the world, which probably doubled the day Watson turned 18, and with Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince coming out this week and the last Harry Potter book set for two cinematic installments, that number will only grow, just like our wands.  Wands grow, right?

9.  Melissa Joan Hart
as Sabrina the Teenage Witch (1996-2003)
The show ran for seven seasons, plenty of time for Hart to demonstrate that she was one of the hottest TV magical babes this side of Buffy.  And plus, she was a teenager around the time we were, so it was okay to pretend that she was casting one of her oh-so-wacky spells on us.  Besides, it was a Disney channel show, so they practically forced us to use our imaginations.  (Damn you, Disney!)

8.  Neve Campbell
as Bonnie in The Craft (1996)
The movie’s plot was laughable, making it seem like being Wiccan involved developing all sorts of supernatural prowess, not the least of which was freaking out your friends by making them see snakes and bugs and creepy crawlies. It did offer a good excuse for a bunch of hot chicks walking around in schoolgirl’s outfits, and since one of them was Neve Campbell, the massive unbelievability really wasn’t all that much to ask for.

7.  Alyssa Milano
as Phoebe Halliwell in "Charmed" (1998-2006)
TV has been a bountiful well of hot magical babes, not least of which was Alyssa Milano as one of “The Charmed Ones” in this series.  The cast for this series included other hot stars like Shannen Doherty and Rose McGowan.  The plot sometimes bordered on the ridiculous (okay, maybe a little more than sometimes), but more than likely it lasted so long because of the innate appeal of watching hot babes kill demonic and dangerous beings.  I mean, how is that NOT appealing?

6. Cate Blanchett
as Galadriel in The Lord of the Rings (2001-2003)
Choosing who to cast as the elf queen was tricky – and Peter Jackson chose perfectly with Blanchett.  There’s something divinely serene about her face and expression, a false serenity which covers some deep, dark, ominous secrets. Elves are supposed to be the most beautiful creatures in the world, and Blanchett fits the bill.

5.  Lucy Lawless
as Xena in "Xena: Warrior Princess" (1995-2001)
Xena one ups other evil-fighting magical babes like Hermione and Phoebe by adding a freakin sword to her arsenal.  A chick who knows magic is one thing.  A chick who knows magic AND could slice off your head with a casual swish is scary, but sexy.  And to top it off, an episode of the series suggested that Ares, the God of War, might be Xena’s father.  Yeah, you do not wanna f*ck with her.

4.  Claire Danes
as Yvaine from Stardust (2007)
Danes simply looks magical, even if she’s just standing there, so she was bound to become a magical babe eventually, and as the fallen star Yvaine she really manages to shine. (Get it?!)  As Yvaine she had to look very powerful yet innocent and fragile, but she went one step beyond and added sexy to her arsenal.

3.  Liv Tyler
as Arwen in The Lord of the Rings
There’s a reason The Lord of the Rings is the only movie (or series) that shows up again on this list, and Arwen is that reason.  Do we really need to explain why Tyler is one of the hottest magical babes around?  Her romance with the grunting, rock-for-a-face Viggo Mortensen was one of the main threads that ran throughout all three films, and since elves live forever you can bet Aragorn wasn’t the first ranger lookin’ to get into those Elven pants.  Who could blame him?

2. Michelle Pfeiffer
as Isabeau D’anjou in Ladyhawke (1985)
Actually, I take back what I said earlier.  Pfeiffer is definitely MILFier than Sarandon, even though she was fairly young when she played the role of the woman cursed to be separated from her love by the inconvenient little fact that she was a hawk. Though she technically doesn’t have magical powers, and has merely fallen under a curse, she’s certainly still a magical babe, and Pfeiffer is one of the hottest actresses on the planet.  (Plus, she did play a witch in The Witches of Eastwick.)

1.  Sarah Michelle Gellar
as Buffy in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (1997-2003)
Could there really be any other magical babe at number one?  Joss Whedon created a timeless kickass character with Buffy – high school girl who was worried about just a couple more things than finding a date on Friday or passing next week’s test.  Nope, this girl killed demons and dispatched vampires to hellin her spare time, dodging death and actually biting it a couple of times.  If that’s not both magical AND sexy, I don’t know what is.

Who are your favorite magic babes from movies & TV?

– THOMAS ANDERSON
AKA MovieBuzzReviewDude.  Check out his movie/media/pop culture blog here. –
 

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But here we are in the middle of July with not a single cat fight. Even Mariah Carey is playing nice with Janet Jackson! So, we went ahead and charted out the Diva War, blow by blow, to determine who’ll be box office champion of the weekend! Actually, it’s pretty obvious Brüno’s gonna sweep the floor with Hayden’s alabaster locks, but let’s give each side a fair shake.

Here you are, the scientific breakdown of each person’s worth (sums it up well):

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Though he’s played a wide variety of roles over the course of his career, and is set to play the hardboiled John Dillinger in the upcoming Public Enemies, Johnny Depp has shown himself to be an actor of idiosyncratic but undeniably odd taste in roles.  Oh sure, he can do the Oscar-winning drama just as well as anybody (Finding Neverland, Donnie Brasco), but he just can’t seem to stay away from roles that send shivers down people’s spine or cause audiences to say, “WTF?” (Or for that matter make movies these days that don’t have Tim Burton’s name attached to them.) 

Whether he’s playing a serial killer (Sweeney Todd), a guy with scissors for hands (Edward, um, Something-hands) or a child molester (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory), Depp brings an originality and creepiness to odd roles like no other actor out there, and as a result he’s done some pretty strange things, which is why Screen Junkies presents, “The 8 Weirdest Johnny Depp Roles.”

8. SHELDON SANDS

Once Upon A Time In Mexico (2003)

One of Depp’s chief assets is that he can take the most depraved character and turn him into a sympathetic figure for the audience, as is the case with Sheldon Sands.  Here’s a guy who will kill a cook if he doesn’t make a meal just right and is probably planning ways to screw you over the second you turn your back on him, but we care about him as a character mostly due to Johnny Depp’s charisma.  When he loses his eyes more than halfway through the movie, we actually cringe and kind of wish that the ruthless killer wouldn’t get hurt this much.  All Depp’s doing, though Robert Rodriguez having Sands allow a little boy to run to safety at the end of the movie helped, too.

7. GEORGE JUNG

Blow (2001)

A hard, cold look at the world of drug trafficking, and the steps someone takes to get there, along with all the personal decisions in between.  In this movie, both the script and Depp worked together in creating a sympathetic character by making him more human and flawed; in fact Depp may have been the perfect complement to this role – his ability to bring humanity to any character he plays does work perfectly for the movie, despite, once again, like Sheldon Sands, being about a man who often has no problems doing anything that he wants, no matter who’s in the way. 

6. SWEENEY TODD

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007)

Is there a better role that could have encompassed all of Burton’s bloody genius and Depp’s capacity for twisted, yet strangely sympathetic characters?  As the demented barber on a quest for bloody and musical revenge, Depp sliced throats with classic flair and laughed in the face of hilarious blood that would put Tarantino to shame.  And like a lot of Depp roles, there’s a forlorn, tragic side to the hero of the story, involving bloody revenge and how it can lead to one’s own self-destruction.  Depp’s singing voice may not have been up to par with the rest of the cast, but for being a first-time singer, it was pretty damn good.

5. JACK SPARROW

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

Pirates of the Caribbean would not have been half the success it was were it not for Depp’s endearing, drunk and double-crossing swashbuckler Jack Sparrow.  Stumbling around in the movie with a mad, wild look in his eyes and eternally moving arms and hands and fingers, Depp gave Sparrow a freaky cleverness that lay just below the appearances of insanity, a man who knows that he know something you don’t, yet can’t always recall exactly what that something is.

4. WILLY WONKA

Charlie & The Chocolate Factory (2005)

True, on some level this movie was a major disappointment considering it was a remake of a beloved children’s classic, and one of those reasons may have been Depp’s oddly Michael Jackson-like performance.  He played an extremely pale man who locked himself away for years inside a large warehouse and then proceeded to give candy to young children in hopes of making them stay with him in the warehouse, forever.  Gene Wilder brought a fatherly and wise tone to this otherwise creepy role, but Depp upped the creepiness factor to ten, and his portrayal is actually much closer the book’s than Wilder’s. That awkward smile and high pitched voice still haunt our dreams. 

3. EDWARD SCISSORHANDS

Edward Scissorhands (1990)

An unfinished experiment name Edward who has scissors for hands falling in love with some chick.  Sounds like the plot for the next Transformers movie, but Edward Scissorhands ends up being a powerful tale about how gently we need to treat the things we love, ESPECIALLY if we have scissors for hands. I mean, really, we cannot stress this enough.  Another lesson?  If you have scissors for hands, they’re good for haircutting, murder, and ice sculptures.  Oh yeah, and the third lesson is Johnny Depp is awesome.

2. ED WOOD

Ed Wood (1994)

This time around, Depp used his charm to bring to this homage to one of the worst filmmakers of all time to another level. (I wonder if they’ll do a biopic on Uwe Boll’s life after he’s left us). Whether he’s cheerfully negating his first poor review or sharing with his wife his fears of never making it big, (while giants of cinema like Orson Welles, who are younger than him, tower over him like hawks,), the guy always seems to never stop believing in himself, and that’s a quality any audience can appreciate, but with Depp playing the role the effect was doubled.  Nobody could have played Ed Wood like Depp did.

1. RAOUL DUKE

Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas (1998)

Nowhere did Depp top his potential for batsh*t odd insanity more than in his role as the drug-hyped-up reporter Raoul Duke, a role which in retrospect almost seems like Jack Sparrow Part 1.  You have the stumbling around and the hands that always seem to be reaching forward toward something intangible hanging in the air, and the knowing yet undeniably drunk look in the eyes.  Depp’s inner insanity and weirdness was fully unleashed in this role, as he does everything from see flying bats pour at him from the desert skies, or hallucinate that an entire bar has turned into humping, sexualized giant lizards. It takes great acting chops to react to drug-induced hallucinations believably and not actually be high at the time, and Depp’s cigarette-chewing, fast-talking reporter role solidified him as one of the weirdest and best actors in the business – he goes through more than a dozen kinds of drugs in this movie, and has to create a different reaction for each one, and does so hilariously, disturbingly, and most importantly of course, weirdly.

Any Johnny Depp performance that you think OUT-WEIRDED the above eight?  Hit us up in the comments section below!

-Thomas Anderson
aka MovieBuzzReviewDude.  Check out his movie/media/pop culture blog here. 

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If you answered "yes" then you’re into Furries and should be reading Holy Taco.  If you answered "no" then get get ready for some B.C. T&A.

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Which one is Nancy O’Dell from "Access Hollywood" and which one is a "serious journalist?"

I have no idea, either.

Pretty women tell us what is going on so corporations can keep making money and the rest of us just walk around running into walls as we are spoon fed somewhat truthy infotainment. Yes, yes, we are bombing villages in Afghanistan. Fine, our 401Ks are being spent on some CEO’s letter opener encrusted with the hope diamond. Now come on, stop teasing us with those hot legs.  I want to see boobs.

Thank you corporate news.  Without you I wouldn’t have the following list of 10 national newscasters with whom I would like to make the sex.  Isn’t that really the point of all this?

#10 KIRAN CHETRY

Ex-comedian Al Franken shows Kiran a thing or two about journalism in this video.

#9 ERICA HILL

God, you are too nice.  I think we’re going to have to "preten break up."

Watch a clip of Erica here.

#8 NICOLE LAPIN

The California economy is crumbling apart and when Nicole gets The Governator to sit down, she asks him the hard-hitting questions.  Be prepared for an intense discussion that will have you on the edge of your seat.  I can’t wait till this budding journalist takes over in "The Situation Room."  We are all in good hands.

#7 CHRIST PAUL

Hot black boots?  Check.  I don’t really care what comes out of her mouth at this point.

#6 ROBIN MEADE

Can anyone say, "Hot boots?"  How about "F**k me boots?"

#5 AMY ROBACH

Check out Amy back in her pageant days when she was inspiring other young girls to become bulimic.  HERE.

#4 JILL DOBSON

Watch her take on a carrot in this video.

What can I say about Jill that hasn’t been said about the other girls?  Nothing.  Let’s move on.

#3 COURTNEY FRIEL

I went to San Diego State University and let me tell you: so did Courtney Friel.  And if you wanted to find the hottest girls on campus they were all in the back of the Sigma Chi house or in the journalism department.  Depending on the time of day of course.

Here’s a clip.

#2 MEGAN KELLY

Talk about a cougar and a feisty one at that.

#1 JENNA LEE

When things are going wrong in the business sector, whom else would I turn to but some young hot girl like Jenna.  I mean, that’s what I normally do when things aren’t going well with my wife.  It really make perfect sense.

Here’s a clip of Jenna.

In finishing, I really don’t mind beauty queens doing their thing, but once it involves the vital information we need, maybe we should leave that to real journalist and leave the beauty queens back where the only real damage they can do is to all the young girls who watch those pageants.

Carrie Prejean. Vaguely hot. Fired from Miss California. Thinks gay people have cooties. Anyone else think she’s already in negotiations with Fox News?  Or how about you know who?

Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against hot girls.  Megan Fox is a babe, but when it comes to the news, I prefer my journalists to look more like this:

Than this:

I get it…I’m a sexist jerk. Sticks and stones, pal. Is it possible that there are hot women who are also extremely intelligent? Sure, why not. One time I put in a dollar in a vending machine and got 5 back. But chances are if you had guys fawning over you your whole life, one of them probably helped you cheat on a math test.

If you’re a 10 and you managed to get through Columbia Journalism School on your own merits, congratulations. Please forward your information to the editorial department. I’d love to get in touch for an interview, over dinner. For the remaining lot of you, please forward your resumes to Cinemax c/o After Hours Programming Dept. If you’re going to report the news you must be able to pronounce Ahmadinejad, and you can’t be a bleached blonde hair past a 5.

I guess on the flipside, as our country goes down the toilet (google: global economic shitstorm), maybe the hotties are there to cushion the blow. So when our country is finally morally and financially bankrupt, thanks in part to our hot news “journalists”, at least you’ll have something to whack off to. Maybe they should just merge Cinemax and CNN once and for all. The best team in softcore somewhat newsy things.

THIS HAS BEEN A RANT FROM RON.

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_{MMA Fighter Turned Bank Robber Released From Prison, Then Arrested Again (Cagepotato)}

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_{Missouri Senior Raechel Holtgrave, AKA Hooters Girl Of The Year (Bustedcoverage)}

_{The 10 Sexiest Big Brother Videos (Uncoached)}

_{How To Watch Porn With A 56k Modem (Regretfulmorning)}

_{Beer Is Good Food (Bachelorguy)}

_{NBA Draft: Who Is Going Second? (Moondogsports)}

THE FINAL MATCHUP

Alien rock and Alien metal go head to head! Both materials look awesome when they’re on fire but which one warrants a heftier poop load dropped in the Hanes briefs?

Might we remind you…

THERE CAN BOOM ONLY ONE!!!

All this week, BAYWATCH ’09 has given you the goods on all things that go BOOM.  Monday was the 10 Best Michael Bay-directed Music Videos… Tuesday was the first ever Michael Bay Explosion Tournament… Well, it wouldn’t be a proper Bay-themed week without cleavage.  You’re welcome.

By Thomas Anderson

It doesn’t matter how many movies Michael Bay comes out with; you still get the sense that he just might be sitting there behind the camera, sneaking a peek at Megan Fox’s stomach or Scarlet Johansson’s ass (hell, wouldn’t you?). Sometimes you wonder if he cast them simply so he could ogle them from behind the camera and create a few off-camera explosions in his pants, but you’ve got to hand it to the guy: he knows how to populate his worlds with gorgeous bombshells who are strong, independent women who often find the need to remove their clothes to save the world, or maybe just give the hero a little pick-me-up.

In honor of these brave, brave souls, Screen Junkies presents 14 of Michael Bay’s Hottest Chicks from all his films.

BAD BOYS and BAD BOYS II

These films perhaps best encompass what Bay is all about: lots and lots of chases and explosions, and curvy gorgeous women as a garnish on top of the million-calorie sundae. 

GABRIEL UNION

In the second Bad Boys film she played Will Smith’s girlfriend and Martin Lawrence’s sister, making it extremely difficult to concentrate on the two stars’ banter, the dumb plot, and the inane dialogue, because uh… um… what were we talking about again?

THERESA RANDLE

Though she hasn’t been in much since Bad Boys, save for some flopped movies, a few TV shows and Space Jame as Michael Jordan’s wife, she sizzles to this day.  The fact that she played, of all people, Martin Lawrence’s wife, should have tolsd us something about Bay’s commitment to credibility.

IVELIN GIRO

Don’t remember her?  She had a cameo as Will Smith’s psychologist in Bad Boys II – a woman who helped Smith overcome emotional issues through the tried and true technique of boning her patient. I think it’s safe to say if Ivelin Giro was able to give therapy to every single person with a problem, we’d have achieved world peace and invented faster-than-light travel by now.

THE ROCK

This movie proves an exception to most Bay ventures, because the cast is almost exclusively male, with only a few scenes here and there devoted to the fairer sex.  Not to worry though, because the lack of extraneous females let Bay choose very selectively which chicks would show up in his cartoon action slaughter fest.  And they’re a couple of very fine women indeed.

VANESSA MARCIL

Back when Nic Cage was still considered an actor and not a punchline, he had Marcil as his girlfriend and mother of his child in The Rock.  She’s since posed for Maxim, FHM, and some other magazines.  She also does the occasional TV cameo and even starred in the failed Sex and the City ripoff, Lipstick Jungle, but she’s got enough star power that we probably haven’t seen the last of her in movies.

CLAIRE FORLANI

Her appeal comes from the fact that she looks smart enough to grade your homework, and yet still keep you after class to talk to her about how you can help her raise your grades.  (Yes, a round of Monopoly, for those of you who were wondering.) She only had a couple minutes in The Rock as Sean Connery’s daughter, but it’s arguably a couple of the best minutes in the movie, even if there’s a distinct lack of skin.  We can solve that below.

ARMAGEDDON

Similar to The Rock, Armageddon was a testosterone-fuled romp where women seemed to be an inconvenience to getting on with the good stuff of blowing up a bigass rock.  Bay’s choices this time are ratcheted up in beauty and star power even further, but that animal cracker scene still has us cracking up to this day… for all the wrong reasons.

LIV TYLER

We didn’t care that she didn’t look a thing like Bruce Willis, a guy who – fine actor that he is – looks like his face was chiseled out of concrete.  Tyler, by contrast, has smooth, elven beauty, a voice that’s whisper-soft, and otherworldly eyes that always seem to ask, "Why not?"  We couldn’t agree more.

LAYLA ROBERTS

It’s unclear why a drop dead gorgeous stripper would end up with a guy like Steve Buscemi, whose eyes always seem to be pointing in different directions, but we didn’t care much because we were too busy focusing our eyes on her great big asteroids. In real life, she’s a porn star who posed for Playboy, and you’d be surprised how difficult it is to find a picture of her not naked.  So in the interest of discretion, we’ve placed little South Park Michael Bay explosion icons on the appropriate areas.

PEARL HARBOR

When faced with the prospect of a movie with no chicks in sight, Michael Bay did the only logical thing; he created a whole bunch of horny-as-sh*t nurses who really, really want to bang the soldiers and seem to only do actual nurse work as a last resort.  Finally he could combine the two things he’d always dreamed of: horrifying exploitative shots of a national tragedy and Josh Hartnett and Kate Beckinsale doing it in a parachute hangar.

KATE BECKINSALE

These days she’s best known for the Underworld series (her wardrobe helped), but back in the day, Beckinsale was a serious hottie and one of the more bankable Hollywood stars.  She doesn’t have Liv Tyler;s ethereal air, but straight up hot works just fine at putting asses in seats.

JAIME KING

Impressively, Pearl Harbor was only King’s third movie, but she manages to hold her own wamong the rest of the nurse ast and appear convincingly just as desperate for uniformed man ass as the others.  It’s not her fault she’s so hot and sexy and blonde… I mean.. what’s a horny nurse to do?

JENNIFER GARNER

Way back before she was a huge superstar trading blows with Ben Affleck and dressing in tight red superhero leather, Garner was a smaller star who played an adorabl nurse with glasses (!!!) in Pearl Harbor.  Do we really need to say anything else?

THE ISLAND

SCARLET JOHANSSON

Though her role only existed so Ewan McGragor would have someone to do the nasty with (lucky), ScarJo brought her famous innocent eyes and infectious smile to the role, playing up her naivete by a couple of thousdan degrees, which only made her hotter.  She’s got that look that’ knowing, yet at the same time blissfully unaware of her own beauty.

SHAWNEE SMITH

So what is it with Steve Buscemi landing all these amazing women in Michael Bay flicks?  Is it the eye thing?  In any case, Shawnee is probably best known for her role in the Saw films, as Jigsaw’s apprentice.  She’s an actress who’s boned Buscemi and ruthlessly murdered people.  Which one is more disturbing?

THE TRANSFORMERS FILMS

MEGAN FOX

It’s safe to say that without Bay there would be no Megan Fox, or at least, hardly anyone would recognize her photo-friendly stomach.  Her recent rant in the media about being compared to Angelina Jolie throws her into a bit of a harsher light, but it doesn’t change the fct that her stomach is pretty damn amazing (along with the rest of her).

RACHEL TAYLOR

Bay’s form of women’s lib is giving them a gun and telling them to shoot.  In Transformers, that’s exactly what he did with this character.  Nothing wrong with that, of course, but since he was wasting all his time on Optimus Prime saying, "My bad," the the African-American Autobot "Jazz" jive-talkin’ it up, we didn’t get to see much of her.  A shame, because she’s got that classic blonde bombshell thing down pretty darn well. 

WHO’S YOUR FAVORITE "MICHAEL BAY-BE?"

-Thomas Anderson
aka MovieBuzzReviewDude. Check out his movie/media/pop culture blog here.

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VOTING FOR ROUND 1 IS CLOSED, BUT YOU CAN STILL VOTE FOR WHO GOES TO THE BIG BOOM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCHUP!

Welcome to Baywatch Day 2, junkies.  Yesterday, we introduced you to Michael Bay’s music video oeuvre.  The hits were many.  The explosions?  Merely metaphorical. 

And that’s just not what we really really really love about Bay, is it? 

Well you’re in luck.  Today marks the launch of "Michael Bay and the Bracket of Boom," a tournament pitting the filmmaker’s best cinematic eruptions against each other.  We selected the participants – one from each of Bay’s eight feature films – and you get to choose which explosion survives its head-to-head matchup.  Each day you can come back and see who won the previous day, then vote – as many times as you like – for your favorite one.  And if you need to refresh your memory, the clips are embedded below.

There can BOOM only one.  The detonator is in your hands. 

^{Click Above Image to Enlarge}

MATCHUP #1

The boom that saves the world versus the boom that vaporizes a complex piece of machinery.  You’d think Bruce Willis’ detonation in Armageddon would reign supreme, but when you get down to it, it is just a really big rock.  The helicopter in The Island has bells and whistles and blades and gauges.  Engineers spent countless man-hours calibrating those delicate devices and in a flash they’re gone.  You tell us what’s the bigger loss.   

NOTE: Results slightly delayed!

 

MATCHUP #2

 One can’t deny the sweet irony of a missile hit blowing Nic Cage into the ocean right before he started making poor movie choices.  It’s like it tossed him into a world of mediocrity where his sarcastic quips don’t quite have the same resonance when they’re bellowed through a cloud of bees.  Bees?!  On the other hand, you have a CG robot breaking through a wall and you can’t help but yearn for a time when Bay’s explosions where practical and not rendered on a computer.  Is it Cage’s acting or movie magic that makes the explosion hit harder? 

NOTE: Results slightly delayed!

MATCHUP #3

I’m not sure you can vote for an attack on Pearl Harbor and still call yourself an American, even though following that bomb down to the ship’s galley is pretty sweet.  But go ahead and vote for it if you like it because movies are exaggerated depictions of real life tragedies.  As far as Transformers goes, we haven’t seen mass public transit explode like that since Keanu crashed a bus into a plane.  The damn thing gets ripped in half by a gigantic robot!  Screw global warming, people need to get to work alive!   

NOTE: Results slightly delayed!

MATCHUP #4

A plane and a mansion.  Two luxuries people don’t mind watching be destroyed because most are owned by corrupt bankers or drug dealers.  And oh how destroyed they are in these two films.  The amount of flames that spew out of them is almost unfathomable.  New physics were created to meet Bay’s vision.  Below-the-line crewmembers probably died and wer buried in the ashes of fusel lodge and foyer.  But hey, if you want to make a omelet you gotta crack a few eggs.  Another note: Bad Boys was the first time Michael Bay’s trademark "silhouetted body blown across screen with fireball background" was used.  Perhaps this is Mr. Bay’s version of avant-garde.

NOTE: Results slightly delayed!

STAY TUNED FOR ROUND 2 TOMORROW!

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_{Bruno’s Body Suits             Cheeseburger Nikes}

 

It’s no secret that Screen Junkies loves Michael Bay, and to celebrate the release of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, we’re calling this week BAYWATCH.  Every day for the next five days, there will be a new feature dedicated to Michael Bay, the man, the myth, the pyromaniac. 

Kicking off the week is a look back at Bay’s earlier work. Before the Boom (and Bad Boys)… there was the music.  Michael Bay made his reputation on making music artists look really frickin’ cool based on the aesthetic standards of the day.  Bay’s work was dramatic.  It was gorgeous.  And it single-handedly supported Hollywood’s "lens mist filter" and silk drapery industries for years.

Here are our favorites, in chronological order.

Richard Marx’s "Angelia" (1989)

Gregg Allman – "I’ll Be Holdin’ On" From Black Rain (1989)

The Divinyls – "I Touch Myself" (1991)

Tina Turner – "Love Thing" (1992)

Lionel Richie – "Do It to Me" (1992)

Wilson Phillips – "You Won’t See Me Cry" (1992)

Meat Loaf – "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)" (1993)

Meat Loaf – "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through" (1994)

Meat Loaf – "Objects in a Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are" (1994)

Aerosmith – "Falling in Love (Is Hard on the Knees)" (1997)

Faith Hill – "There You’ll Be" (1997)

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By Mike Hammer

We love our dad. It’s a shame people have to get old and put in facilities where they can be properly cared for. At 43, we simply felt he just wasn’t pulling his weight…and besides…detox is something NOBODY has to be ashamed of anymore. With dad in isolation and Father’s Day coming up we thought we’d relive some of our most heart-wrencing, tender and sometimes hilarious father/son conversations…from the movies. To be honest our real conversations were kind of creepy.

Here are the best from the big screen:

Mr. Mom (1983)

Michael Keaton is Jack Butler, a frustrated, out-of-work dad who’s a bit overwhelmed with his new job as a fulltime dad. Clearly, he’s been watching a little too much daytime TV as he offers some sensitive advice to his thumb-sucking son…Kenny.

MR. MOM – Woobie Clip – Watch more Funny Videos

Jack Butler: I understand that you little guys start out with your woobies and you think they’re great… and they are, they are terrific. But pretty soon, a woobie isn’t enough. You’re out on the street trying to score an electric blanket, or maybe a quilt. And the next thing you know, you’re strung out on bedspreads Ken. That’s serious.

The Shining (1980)

Jack Nicholson in his signature role (until every role became the same role) as Jack Torrance a demented hotel caretaker with a killer case of cabin fever given to him by his ghostly guests….as he offers a little history lesson to his wife Wendy (Shelley Duvall) and son Danny (Danny Lloyd) about the area where they’ll be spending the winter.

THE SHINING – The Donner Party – Watch more Funny Videos

Danny Torrance: What was the Donner Party? 


Jack Torrance: They were a party of settlers in covered-wagon times. They got snowbound one winter in the mountains. They had to resort to cannibalism in order to stay alive. 


Danny Torrance: You mean they ate each other up? 
Jack Torrance: They had to, in order to survive. 
Wendy Torrance: Jack… 
Danny Torrance: Don’t worry, Mom. I know all about cannibalism. I saw it on TV. 
Jack Torrance: See, it’s OK. He saw it on the television.

Memories of Me (1988)

Aging Alan King is Abe, the king of the Hollywood extras, and an embarrassment to his big-shot doctor son (Billy Crystal). He’s also always been the king of the one-liners as he shows in a night-night conversation with his little boy…who grows up to be the doc who desperately needs a shot of Abe’s hilarious bedside manner.

MEMORIES OF ME – Breakfast – Watch more Funny Videos

Young Abbie: Dad! I’m afraid to go to sleep!

Abe: Why are you afraid to go to sleep?

Young Abbie: What if I never wake up?

Abe: Then there’ll be more for me for breakfast.
 

Affliction (1997)

James Coburn plays Glen Whitehouse, the most insenstive father since God left Jesus hanging on the cross. When his wife packs it in (probably as an escape strategy) he often these tender words of comfort to his long-suffering sons (played by Nick Nolte and Willem Dafoe) at his mother’s wake. 

AFFLICTION – James Coburn Goes Apesh*t – Watch more Funny Videos

Glen: 
“Not a goddamn one of you is worth a hair on that good woman’s head!”

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

James Earl Jones’s asthmatic voice and some giant English dude’s body as the evil, nasty and downright mean Darth Vader revealing to Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker some disturbing news that indicates they may have to partner up in the three-legged race at the Empire’s next company picnic.

Darth Vader: If you only knew the power of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father. 


Luke: He told me enough! He told me *you* killed him!


Darth Vader: No. *I* am your father.


Luke: No. No. That’s not true. That’s impossible! 


Darth Vader: Search your feelings, you *know* it to be true! 


Field of Dreams (1987)

Kevin Costner is Ray Kinsella gets to play with the ghost of his long-dead and deeply-missed dead father, former major-league catcher, John Kinsella (Dwier Brown) at Cornfield Stadium: The only scene that straight guys admit that they cry during when they see. 

FIELD OF DREAMS – Catch with Dad – Watch more Funny Videos

Ray Kinsella: Hey… Dad? 
[John turns] 


Ray Kinsella: [choked up] "You wanna have a catch?" 


John Kinsella: I’d like that.

Life is Beautiful (1997)

Roberto Benigni is Guido…a devoted Italian father who is sent with his beloved wife and son to a concentration camp by the Nazis during World War II. In order to spare his son the ordeal, he has pretended the whole horrible experience is a game. When his boy drifts off to sleep, he keeps talking to him about how they will pull through this nightmare.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL – Dream Clip – Watch more Funny Videos

Guido: “You are such a good boy. You sleep now. Dream sweet dreams. Maybe we are both dreaming. Maybe this is all a dream, and in the morning, Mommy will wake us up with milk and cookies. Then, after we eat, I will make love to her two or three times. If I can.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

The chronology of casting Sean Connery as Connery is  Dr. Henry Jones…father of Harrison Ford’ Indiana Jones, may have been a tad off as Connery is only TK years older than Ford, but the chemistry was bang on as this conversation between the two as they interrogated by the German SS indicates:

LAST CRUSADE CLIP – What Book – Watch more Funny Videos

Principal SS Officer at Castle: I will take zuh book now. 


Professor Henry Jones, Indiana Jones: Wuh-what b-book?


Principal SS Officer at Castle: You have zuh diary in your pocket. 


Professor Henry Jones: You dolt! You think my son would be that stupid? That he would bring my diary all the way back here? 
[pause]


Professor Henry Jones: You didn’t, did you? 
[another pause] 


Professor Henry Jones: You didn’t bring it, did you?


Indiana Jones: Well, uh… 


Professor Henry Jones: You *did*! 


Indiana Jones: Look, can we discuss this later? 


Professor Henry Jones: I should have mailed it to the Marx Brothers!

The Great Santini (1979)

Robert Duvall plays Bull Meachum, a helluva Marine pilot and a helluva shitty dad…as witnessed as he challenges his son played by Caddyshack’s Michael O’Keefe to a little game of one-on-one…and winds up dribbling the ball off the boy’s head. But he DOES love the little buggers as he awkwardly demonstrates in this toast…which was slightly better than the one we delivered in our underpants at our best friend’s wedding!

THE GREAT SANTINI Clip – Watch more Funny Videos

Bull Meechum: I’d like to propose a toast, to my son. He is eighteen today. He has just ordered his first drink. Before he drinks it, I’d like to wish him a long life, a wife as fine as his mother, and a son as fine as he’s been. To my son!

National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983)

Chevy Chase is Clark Griswold a dad who will do anything to get his sick-of-the-trip family from Chicago to Wally World in seemingly unreachable Southern California (including leaving dead Aunt Edna’s on an unsuspecting relative’s front porch. To be fair…she deserved it.) Here he lets them no in no uncertain terms that there  will be NO TURNING BACK. If there was…how could there be three sequels?

NATIONAL LAMPOONs VACATION – Watch more Funny Videos

Clark: I think you’re all fucked in the head. We’re ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I’ll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. I’m gonna have fun and you’re gonna have fun. We’re all gonna have so much fucking fun we’ll need plastic surgeory to remove our goddamn smiles. You’ll be whistling ‘Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah’ out of you’re @$$holes! I gotta be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Sh*t! 


Bonus Lines (Without a clip to go with it):

Nothing In Common (1986)

Jackie Gleason stars as Max Basner, whose career as a traveling salesman is getting old and tired as he is…as he awkwardly tries to give new birth to a relationship with his wildly successful son, David (Tom Hanks). Did we mention it was an awkward attempt?

Max Basner: Your best friend is your dick.

David Basner: Now where did I learn that? Your best friend is your dick.

Max Basner: Great, maybe the four of us can get together and have lunch.

What are YOUR Favorite Father-Son lines from movies?

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THE HURT LOCKER examines the dangerous duties of three members of the Army’s Explosive Ordinance Disposal (EOD) squad.  Bombs are their business, and they know their business extremely well.  They have to because each roadside stop could mean their lives.  Stars Jeremy Renner, Anthony Mackie, and Brian Geraghty, director Kathryn Bigelow and writer Mark Boal broke down for us how you tackle a movie about an elite unit that goes in when everyone else is running away. 

It’s as meticulous a task as disarming an IED (That’s an Improvised Explosive Device for you civilians).    

Anthony Mackie: The great thing about this film is it’s not about the war.  It’s not about Kathryn putting a political stamp on who should be president or anything like that.  It’s a psychological drama about these three guys and the war is the backdrop. 

Jeremy Renner: It’s about an interesting job and fascinating characters.  It could have been about bull riders or some job I’m not very familiar with but still think is fascinating, and you throw in these characters, and that’s what it is to me.

Kathryn Bigelow: I tried to remain unresponsive to the other Iraq films out there.  This [our film] was about a bomb squad, and the bomb squad is universal.  I think of it as a war film and not a reintegration of the home front.  And predominantly it’s based on first hand observation.   
 

Anthony:  [The filmmakers] liked the dynamic between Brian and I.  We had worked together on We Are Marshall.  And with Jeremy being such a strong presence, if you had three Jeremy Renners it was just going to be a headache.  You needed the awkward guy, and the other guy to make the triangle work. 

Brian: I texted Anthony after my audition and said, hey man, I just ruined this opportunity I had, but there’s a great role in there for you.  And he said, that’s so funny, I’m trying to work it out with them, they’ve offered me the job.  And was like, of course they did.  
 

Anthony: Most of my research was done online.  I had done weapons training before, so I knew my way around a piece.  I was in North Carolina so I went over to Fort Bragg and met with some guys there and just chopped it.  The military mentality is just so different.  I just wanted to be around those guys and talk to them and study them.  All the tactical stuff would just come when we got there.

Jeremy: I did intense training for a couple weeks.  Strictly EOD.  I only wanted to be informed about the movie we were making, and not boot camp or anything like that.  It was a great opportunity to sit down with these guys and pick their brains and learn, but not too much about them until you get some booze inside, cause everything’s top secret.

Brian: Jeremy was a tremendous resource for us because he was really educated on the subject and had trained with all the guys in the year he had been attached to the project.   A lot of it was all textbook.  We’d quiz each other.
 

Jeremy: That suit was two things: it was informing, and it was hell.  I couldn’t keep the helmet on longer than twenty-five minutes cause it was too damn hot.  There are lots of parts to it.  There’s a diaper.  It’s made of Kevlar to protect you.  It’s not a “diaper” diaper.        

Anthony: It’s much easier when you have the backdrop of the reality that you’re playing in.  If you’re doing a movie that’s supposed to be set in New York and you’re shooting in New York and you’re looking at the skyline and you’re like, “I love New York,” that’s completely different than standing on a green-screen in Dodger Stadium saying, “I love New York.”  Jordan was definitely the fourth actor in the film, and it made everything ten times easier. 

Mark: We were the first film to shoot in Jordan.  There was no big tent when we came.  It was like two guys in the back of a room with a coffee pot, “Hey we’re the Jordan Film Commission.” “
“You got any cameras?”
“No.”
“You got any lights?”
“No.”
“What do you got?”
“You got us two guys and this pot of coffee!”  So they really boned up and were great in terms of giving us access and support. 
Kathryn: I found all the hardships to be somewhat romantic, but maybe I’m a member of one.
Mark: She’s a cyborg who doesn’t feel pain, but for the rest of us…  
 

Anthony: That sniper sequence was eight of the worst days of my life.  Between the flies, and the heat, and the rogue goats, and the sand storms.  You’d be standing out there and all of a sudden a sand hurricane would come through.  It took everything in me when they handed me that Hi-C to me to not gulp that motherf**ker.  Then that sniper rifle is so powerful that when you shoot it it’s literally like someone kicking you in the chest.  

Kathryn: The sand was really punishing.  Every time I’d say cut, Anthony, his eyelashes were covered in sand, his head would just go down and he’d be buried in it, and I’d say action and his head would come back up.   I remember walking up to him at some point and saying, “Four years of Juilliard,” trying to get him to smile at the whole process.  

Kathryn: Goat wrangling was a new one for me. 
Mark: You had a thing where there had to be an additive effect with the goats.  So the first time you see it it’s one goat, and then three, and four, like The Birds, until it’s a flock of goats.
Kathryn: A flock of goats?  A herd?  A herd.  So there you are with all your reporting skills screaming.
Mark: Trying to make that happen for you.  But there’s an Albanian shepard guy who had no idea what I was saying, letting one go at a time.    
 

Anthony: I’m the only motherf**ker that’s never been to Kathryn’s house.  I told her you find a brotha on your porch you know what’s goin’ on.  Everybody’s been to her house.  Jeremy went over and they had tea and sh*t.  Brian went over and did his audition there.  We met at the Four Seasons.  I was like, are you serious?  With all these old dudes and hookers?  Take me to your house!

THE HURT LOCKER opens in select theatres on June 26th.

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While Ramis has worked with Apatow once (he played Seth Rogen’s father in Knocked Up), we wanted to take a look to see the connections these two have made with just their directing.

(click the image to "wholly mammoth" size it)

After over 100 years of film, some titles were bound to double or triple up.

Screen Junkies takes a look back on eight select titles and how long it took for each marquee mnemonic to produce a memorable movie.  (That’s alliteration, homes.)

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