Screen Junkies » Funny Movie List http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Fri, 03 Oct 2014 21:50:25 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 9 Other Robots Who Deserve Their Own Statue http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/9-other-robots-who-deserve-their-own-statue/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/9-other-robots-who-deserve-their-own-statue/#comments Wed, 16 Feb 2011 22:38:12 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=27562 If Detroit is going to get RoboCop in bronze, why not immortalize these other movie icons?

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Proponents of a RoboCop statue in Detroit have reached their fund-raising goal of $50,000, which means residents are likely to see a replica of the city’s most recognizable cyborg in the near future. But when it comes to heaping praise on robots and cyborgs, should RoboCop really be at the top of the list? We’re not so sure. As such, we’ve put together this list of nine other robots that are worthy of their own statues.

Did we forget any? Leave your suggestions in the comment section.

Hal 9000 (2001) – Champaign-Urbana, IL

The Hal 9000 was born in Champaign-Urbana, IL. So what better place to celebrate our favorite psychotic, sentient computer that the town where it all began. Besides, other than letting 19-year-olds into bars (do they still do that), the town doesn’t have a lot going on.

Cylon (“Battle Star Galactica”) – Gary, IN

There’s no reason for this menacing robot to be placed in Gary, IN. But if Detroit gets Robocop, shouldn’t Gary get something? They’ve both been through a lot, but Detroit gets all the press.

The Terminator (Terminator 2) – The Los Angeles River

In honor of one of the greatest action scenes in film history, let’s get this statue off the ground. Plus, it’s dual use! Besides promoting tourism, it will also scare off the hobos who tend to sleep in the viaduct.

R2D2 and C3P0 (Star Wars) – The Stonewall Inn, New York, NY

R2 and C3P0 share a love that echoes through the galaxy. So what could be more fitting than a statue commemorating that love at the birthplace of the gay rights movement?

Wall-E (Wall-E) – The Jersey Shore

Wall-E is a robot that’s designed to pick up trash. As such, his statue belongs in Jersey.

The Iron Giant (The Iron Giant) – Kennebunkport, Maine

The town of of Rockwell, ME, depicted in The Iron Giant doesn’t exist. So let’s just put the thing in Kennebunkport. Outside of Portland, it’s the only town in Maine I’ve heard off.

Johnny 5 (Short Circuit 2) – Central Park, New York, NY

In order to commemorate Johnny 5′s amazing adventure in New York City, let’s put a marble statue of the lovable robot in Central Park. A metal statue would look more realistic, but it wouldn’t take long for the C.H.U.D.s to dismantle it and sell it for scrap.

Bishop (Aliens) – Golden Gate Park, San Francisco

Bishop is everything a robot should be, and San Francisco is home to his creator, the Weyland-Yutani corporation. It’s high time they honored their favorite robot son with a glowing statue in Golden Gate Park.

Optimus Prime (Transformers) – Washington, D.C.

Optimus Prime has done more for humanity than any human ever could. That’s why he deserves a prime spot in the Rose Garden.

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10 Coolest Cars From Movies http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-coolest-cars-from-movies/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-coolest-cars-from-movies/#comments Mon, 10 Jan 2011 18:16:05 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=14536 The Green Hornet opens this Friday, and features Black Beauty: a tricked-out 1965 Chrysler Crown Imperial. The car looks pretty bad ass, but how does it stack up to other classic cinematic rides? Take a look at the list below and judge for yourself.

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When it comes to movies, hot girls and cars go together like Charlie Sheen and bad decisions. But the sad fact of the matter is, I’ve always been more impressed with the cars. Unlike with hot chicks, I might have a chance to touch the cars without ending up as the basis for and episode of “SVU.”

The Green Hornet opens this Friday, and features Black Beauty: a tricked-out 1965 Chrysler Crown Imperial. The car looks pretty bad ass, but how does it stack up to other classic cinematic rides? Take a look at the list below and judge for yourself.

See more Sony “Action Unleashed” DVDs!

Aston Martin DB5 – Goldfinger

Bond’s Aston Martin DB5 first appeared in Goldfinger, and was featured in several subsequent films. The car is awesome on its own, but Bond’s is loaded with special features; specifically, an ejector seat. How sweet is that for dates?

Fozzie’s Studebaker – The Muppet Movie

Fozzie inherits his car from an uncle who is hibernating. At first, it’s not much to look at. But Doctor Teeth and his band give the vehicle a psychedelic makeover.

The Interceptor – Mad Max 2 / Road Warrior

If you’re known as “The Road Warrior,” you better have an awesome car to back you up. Mad Max has just that. Unfortunately, The Interceptor doesn’t make it through the film.

The Mutt Cuts ‘Shaggin Wagon’ – Dumb & Dumber

Originally designed as a vehicle for Harry’s dog cutting gig, the boys end up using it on their journey to Denver. Clearly, a car like this gets all the bitches.

Herbie – The Love Bug

I don’t really like Herbie, but the damn thing has a mind of its own, so I have to respect it. Besides, when it comes to cars that are self-aware, it’s a billion times better than Christine.

The Deathmobile – Animal House

If your goal is to destroy a small town parade, there’s no better choice than the Deathmobile. Just look at that terrifying facade and tell me you aren’t frightened.

The Bluesmobile – The Blues Brothes

The Bluesmobile is part of one of the greatest car chases in film history, and takes more abuse than any car should have to take. It even manages to hang on until the very end, before completely falling apart. RIP.

Ectomobile – The Ghostbusters

If you need to catch and transport ghosts, your Ford Focus isn’t going to cut it. You need the Ectomobile.

Batmobile – Batman Returns

I chose the Batmobile from the Tim Burton films. That’s not a slight against the Nolan films, since the Tumbler is awesome. But Burton’s version actually looks like the classic Batmobile, so it edged out the competition.

The Delorean – Back to the Future

Say what you want about the Delorean’s style. Some people love it, and some people hate it. But once you factor a flux capacitor into the mix, it becomes the coolest car around, hands down.

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Partner Plug: 5 Worst Spanish Accents In Film http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/partner-plug-5-worst-spanish-accents-in-film/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/partner-plug-5-worst-spanish-accents-in-film/#comments Tue, 04 Jan 2011 22:24:49 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=14178 Our amigos over at Tu Vez put together a list of the Spanish accents in film that most offend their delicate sensibilities.

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Our amigos over at Tu Vez put together a list of the Spanish accents in film that most offend their delicate sensibilities. Grow some huevos, guys. Now what’s more offensive? Your list or my plug for it?

I kid! Come over some time and we’ll crack a couple cervezas.

Check out the list at Tu Vez.

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Best and Worst Movies of 2010 http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/best-and-worst-movies-of-2010/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/best-and-worst-movies-of-2010/#comments Mon, 27 Dec 2010 19:07:01 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=13366 We know how much you value our opinion, so it’s that time when we tell you what we thought was awesome and what was crap at the movies this past year.

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We know how much you value our opinion, so it’s that time when we tell you what we thought was awesome and what was crap at the movies this past year. Fred Topel and I have greatly varying tastes when it comes to this topic. Sound off in the comments section and tell us whom you agree with more. Or if we both have serious taste impairments.

Ian “The Colonel” Sobel’s Best

As I look back on the films of 2010 I can say, “Yeah, okay, this wasn’t a bad year for cinema at all.” And I did say that. It was actually difficult to whittle my list down to the ten best. I had to leave off Hot Tub Time Machine, which I thoroughly enjoyed but it simply couldn’t make the cut. Good job, 2010. You entertained me.

10. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World – It’s unlike any movie I’ve seen before, so I suppose that deserves it a slot right there. Truly defines our A.D.H.D. generation, ooooo and look at all the pretty colors! Edgar Wright did a fantastic job merging the video game world and the movie world cohesively. I’d play it again and again.

9. Jackass 3D – The Jackass Crew always seems to get it right. It might be impossible to have more fun at the movies. I also almost puked this time around during the “Sweat Suit Cocktail.” That’s the sign of a true classic.

8. The Town – Hey, that Benny Affleck can direct, and how! It’s nic knowing that Gone Baby Gone wasn’t a fluke. The movie had its clichéd moments for sure, but the action scenes were gripping and Jeremy Renner gave an Oscar worthy performance. Mahk my wehds. He’ll get a nawmination.

7. Unstoppable – Tony Scott back in true form. What I thought was going to be a silly movie about an evil train turned out to be an edge of your seat thrill ride. Yes, it even deserves that hackneyed exclamation.

6. Black Swan – Mila Kunis goes down on Natalie Portman, but besides that, Darren Aronofsky made a fantastic, moody thriller in the vein of an old Polanski flick. Portman has never been better, or more lithe.

5. Toy Story 3 – Pixar pleases again with this third entry into the Toy Story series. I’ve never been a huge fan of the talking toys tales, but there’s no denying that the Pixar folks know story and they execute it superbly. How can a cowboy and a spaceman make be weep? How?!

4. How To Train Your Dragon – An inventive and hugely entertaining animated flick with a simple theme. The 3D rivaled Avatar’s. In fact, some of the dragon flight scenes I found even more thrilling than the ones in Cameron’s box office champion.

3. Inception – How does a man write a story like this without scrambling his brain’s in the process? The replay value on this film is phenomenal. You could watch it 20 times and still catch something new each time. And that ending. Oy! One of the best cut-to-black’s in years.

2. The Social Network – David Fincher, Aaron Sorkin, and the entire cast turned what sounded like an impossible adaptation into an engaging and powerful drama. This is one of those films where everything just came together, which it so rarely does. Superb director, writer, actors, cinematographer, and musical stylings of Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross. I’d totally poke it.

1. The King’s Speech – Oh look, Ian enjoyed the independent film about the British king with a stammer, like some pretentious bugger. You’re bloody right I did! As soon as The King’s Speech was over I wanted to see it again – the true test of a great film. Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush go together like peas and carrots. They should both win Oscars. In fact, this movie should win everything. And if you say otherwise I’ll sucker punch you and run away in the opposite direction.

Fred Topel’s Best

I was really going to put The Crazies and Sorcerer’s Apprentice as numbers 10 and 9. I even considered MacGruber legitimately but I’ll throw you a bone on this one. I’ll make enough of a point with numbers 2, 4 and 5 I can give you Inception and Toy Story 3. So with some compromise, these are my 10 favorite movies of the year. I generally don’t love awards-y movies.

10. Inception – I wasn’t in love with this one but I respect that it is a monumental achievement in story structure. I wasn’t emotionally involved with it but I’ll just admit that I’m wrong on this one. Inception’s awesome (but so is MacGruber.)

9. Toy Story 3 – This is really just a bigger, badder sequel version of Toy Story 2, but Pixar’s bigger, badder sequel is still great. Maybe after 10 years it seems like a surprising emotional piece, but I’ve been thinking about Toy Story 2 every day of my life for the past 10 years. I’m already dealing with the existential crisis of temporary love vs. everlasting fame. Toy Story 3 is just the punctuation mark.

8. Chloe – A surprise I only caught on Blu-ray, this grown-up drama really goes to mature places and I want to go there with it.

7. The American – This was pure visual storytelling. Clooney never had to explain “This is what an assassin does.” The film just showed it and it was thrilling.

6. 127 Hours – I actually was moved by this stylized subjective drama. On a pure survival level the five days are a fascinating journey. Watch the arm cutting. You’ll never learn to deal with it unless you confront what scares you.

5. Flipped – Rob Reiner was really back in Stand By Me form here. This childhood love drama is like The Notebook for kids. It’s profoundly emotional and confronts the difficult decisions and prejudices we grow up with in our families. Don’t be afraid of the kids, give this one a chance.

4. Step Up 3-D – I believe the most important quality a movie should have is being awesome. There’s nothing more awesome than the moves and choreography on display in the latest Step Up. The story truly doesn’t matter because it’s superceded by excuses to compile thrilling exhibitions.

3. Scott Pilgrim Vs the World – This is a truly beautiful film, not for any of its pop culture references, which were indeed rewarding. Edgar Wright’s true achievement though is his creation of an alternate reality. In an age where CGI makes any Hogwart’s or middle earth seem real, Wright changed the language of cinema, whose alternate physics and emotions were still relatable.

2. The Book of Eli – I really thought this would be the best movie I saw all year back in January. This is what movies should be. It fulfills the genre requirements of exciting post-apocalyptic action, but it’s so smart and has such a profound message. You can deal with the social impact of religion without being heavy handed or even spelling out a point of view.

1. The Social Network ­– Yet I hope Eli will forgive me for warming to this real world tale of corruption and unlikeable protagonists. This is also what movies should be. They make the truth exciting and eloquent with a visceral depiction of a phenomenon.

Ian’s Worst

10. Middle Men – It wanted to be Goodfellas so badly, but it wasn’t. Also, if you’re going to make a movie about the porn industry, might I suggest more nudity? If you don’t bring the originality, at least bring the goods.

9. You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger – Or as it should have been called: Hey I’m Woody Allen and Aren’t I Neurotic?! We get it, Woody. Even if Josh Brolin gains a few pounds, it’s still awkward that he’s playing a version of you.

8. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps – I’ve had meetings with my financial advisor that are more exciting. If you trade stocks all day you might find this movie amusing. Otherwise it’s a big fail for Oliver Stone.

7. Dinner for Schmucks – If more things went wrong in this movie due to happenstance it would be another Meet The Parents sequel. People show up right when they’re supposed to to hear things that they’re not supposed to hear. And boy does it cause some misunderstandings.

6. A Nightmare on Elm Street – If you want to see Rooney Mara, check out The Social Network, not this P.O.S. The sometimes-interesting visuals don’t make up for the awful acting and dialogue of Freddy’s victims.

5. The Losers – A completely unnecessary graphic novel adaptation about mercenaries. I’d tell you to see The Expendables instead, but that wasn’t very good either. The only redeeming part of the film is Jason Patrick’s weird-as-hell performance. It’s like he’s a Looney Tunes character.

4. The Wolfman – The problems this film faced during production are right up there on the screen. It’s like the studio finally admitted defeat and decided to release it anyway. Watch An American Werewolf In London instead. The 30-year-old special effects are still more convincing.

3. How Do You Know – On Paul Rudd, what happened to you this year? First Dinner for Schmucks and then this dreck. Even sadder is what happened to James L. Brooks. I guess we can no longer count on the caliber of Terms of Endearment and As Good As It Gets. If you love to watch unlikeable characters moaning about their petty issues for two hours, this movie might be for you. Life can’t be too hard for them. They live in really nice apartments.

2. My Soul To Take – I just, I can’t even go into how bad this movie is. Wes Craven has made some stinkers, but man oh man. I would say this is like an awful “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” episode, but I used to love that show. It’s more like a bad SyFy movie that doesn’t know it’s bad.

1. Grown Ups – Sad on every level. I hope to God the cast did it solely for the money. At least then I’d understand this painful abomination. How can most of these “actors” be so funny when it’s just them on stage with a mic in their hand, but so unfunny when people “write” dialogue for them to try and say? I live in fear waiting for their next reunion movie.

Fred’s Worst

Why stop at 10? I usually leave out the most universally hated ones. Jonah Hex may make a lot of lists but that’s just an action movie that didn’t work. People will have it out for The Last Airbender but even if you hate M. Night, there are far worse movies that are getting a pass. Admittedly, I haven’t seen Furry Vengeance… yet, but these should be too controversial:

15. Green Zone – The absolute worst of the shaky cam handheld style. Shots are just incomprehensible and out of focus. This is lazy filmmaking, not style.

14. Clash of the Titans – On the other extreme, so busy you can’t even tell what’s going on. The fights aren’t even cool. It just looks like dudes rolling around and they add monsters later.

13. Dinner for Schmucks – I wouldn’t blame this American remake for trying to expand a French movie that was under 80 minutes, but they expanded it with business that’s not funny. It takes 80 minutes to get to the dinner at all but it just seems like people throwing crazy ideas against the wall, without actually thinking about what might make them funny.

12. Country Strong – Just a blatant vehicle for Oscar bait as Gwyneth Paltrow plays an alcoholic country star. Yet it doesn’t even have the class of most Oscar bait so it’s just exploitation.

11. Despicable Me – The worst of the animated kids’ movies, these are just obnoxious characters propped up by adorable minions. But, you can show kids anything and still make money.

10. The Backup Plan – Even by romantic comedy standards, the latest J-Lo vehicle (maybe the last now that she’s on Idol?) is aggressively not funny. I’ll even give you the generic opposites attract premise, but the so-called humor is all dribbling food and bumping heads.

9. Love Ranch – I almost forgot about this one, but it’s not just unmemorable. This dramatization of the legal brothel in Nevada doesn’t feel true at all. It’s got so many Hollywood clichés, and it seems beneath Joe Pesci to do “crazy violent guy” again.

8. Yogi Bear – Tough to handle even be kids’ movie standards. I’ll give you the CGI bear antics, but there aren’t actually that many of them. It takes the plot way too long to work itself out, has too many annoying human characters and the animation isn’t even good.

7. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps – When did Oliver Stone lose his balls? This movie has nothing to say about the financial industry, and it’s even set during the 2008 financial crisis!

6. Salt – This action movie couldn’t possibly be any more generic or mediocre. Stunts that should be exciting simply are not, and it gets worse. The plot twists are so ridiculous it’s insulting, and the way the movie just ends is the worst of all.

5. The Tempest – Who writes this crap? Just kidding, the script is not the problem with this Shakespeare adaptation. The concept of updating it only makes it more convoluted and some of the artistic flourishes just come off looking embarrassing (male spirit with women’s breasts, Djimon Honsou’s native costume…)

4. Leap Year – A January movie if there ever was one, this movie seems designed to be bad on purpose. They chose the most typical clichés and executed them in the most obnoxious fashion. It feels like genuine contempt for an audience that anyone thinks this would be appealing.

3. Hereafter – Clint Eastwood’s foray into the afterlife and mortality issues was just miserable. Every scene goes on too long and wallows in three sets of characters’ misfortune. Constructing misfortunate to jerk tears is not emotional.

2. Grown-Ups – Worse than not being funny, this movie is just mean. When you get five comedians together, they’re all desperate for attention so they keep trying to one-up each other and escalate the level of nastiness. You sit in this world for 90 minutes and feel your soul go to a dark place.

1. You Again – This isn’t necessarily mean, but it’s so insulting it’s even worse. Andy Fickman in the master of big studio un-comedy by the numbers. The stupid comedic moments are so embarrassing you feel bad for the people involved. Jamie Lee Curtis may sell poop yogurt, but she’s better than this. Sigourney Weaver, Odette Yustman and Kristen Bell seem like lovely people. Hollywood should treat them better.

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9 Crazy Hot Girl-On-Girl Scenes from Mainstream Movies http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/9-crazy-hot-girl-on-girl-scenes-from-mainstream-movies/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/9-crazy-hot-girl-on-girl-scenes-from-mainstream-movies/#comments Tue, 30 Nov 2010 18:51:32 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=9383 While watching two drugged-out teens lick their way to the bottom of the porn industry is fun, watching two "legitimate" actresses getting it on for art's sake has its own perverse charm.

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In the new Darren Aronofsky film, Black Swan, Natalie Portman (click her to see her ass) and Mila Kunis share some explicit sex scenes. Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned during my time on this Earth, it’s that the only thing better than touching a beautiful woman is a beautiful woman touching a beautiful woman. You read me? I’m talking about girl-on-girl action, my friend, or as the Germans say, Lesbenporno! Luckily, we live in the Internet Age, and the Internet was practically built for girl-on-girl vids. But even with the abundance of lesbian porn at our fingertips, there’s still something to be said for its less explicit mainstream counterpart. After all, while watching two drugged-out teens lick their way to the bottom of the porn industry is fun, watching two “legitimate” actresses getting it on for art’s sake has its own perverse charm. With that, I give you nine ridiculously hot girl-on-girl scenes from mainstream movies.

Editors Note: Please keep in mind we selected films that have more than just some wimpy make out scene. With the possible exception of number seven, these films all have at least a breast grope or better. Sorry to Jennifer’s Body, Cruel Intentions, etc.

9. Rebecca Romijn and Rie Rasmussen – Femme Fatale (2002)

Rebecca Romijn plus girl-on-girl equals awesome! Just ask director Brian De Palma. He filmed this scene as an apology for anyone who sat through Mission to Mars. Well, I forgive you, Brian. But I don’t forget.

8. Julianne Moore and Amanda SeyfriedChloe (2009)

Julianne Moore is almost 50-years old, yet she still manages to pull off a sexy persona. What’s her secret? Well, she eats right, exercises and takes care of her appearance. Oh, I almost forgot to mention that she’s also been known to lez out on film with hot blond girls like Amanda Seyfried, who are less than half her age. That might be part of her charm, as well.

7. Kristin Adams and Alison LohmanWhere the Truth Lies (2005)

While this scene isn’t the most explicit of the bunch, one of the girls involved is dressed up like Alice from Alice in Wonderland, so that gives it extra points in my book. Plus, Keven Bacon is in it, and it’s not his only appearance on this list. Any man who appears multiple times on a girl-on-girl list deserves our respect.

6. Angelina Jolie and Elizabeth Mitchell – Gia (1998)

I’ve never been big fan of Angelina Jolie. It’s not that she’s not hot. Clearly, she is. But why is she so popular, as opposed to any other hot actress? Oh right, the whole large-breasted bi-sexual thing. I forgot. Well if that’s what floats your boat, check out Gia, an HBO movie about some stupid model from the 80′s who gets it on with her female makeup artist. (Boner Spoiler Alert) I recommend you turn if off before she dies of AIDS, unless that floats your boat as well, in which case you are one sick puppy.

5. Joan Chen and Anne HecheWildside (1995) *Unrated Version

You have to hand it to HBO for not shying away from girl-on-girl scenes in their films. At least that would be the case if the network hadn’t backpedaled and removed said scenes after the initial airing of the film. But if you do manage to get your hands on the unrated version, you’re in for a treat in the form of pre-Ellen Anne Heche.

4. Piper Perabo and Jessica Paré – Lost and Delirious (2001)

If a film is about coming of age at an all-girls school, it better have some hot girl-on-girl scenes. Luckily, the producers of Lost and Delirious knew this. If you like young girls in skirts and knee socks getting it on, this is the film for you. If you don’t, maybe you should look into becoming a Catholic priest, you creep.

3. Jennifer Tilly and Gina GershonBound (1996) *Unrated Version

Bound tells the story of a gangster’s girlfriend who strikes up an affair with a female ex-con. The two then decide to steal $2 million from the mob. That sounds ok, but the real reason to watch this film is the gratuitous lesbian sex. Also, it was directed by the Wachowski brothers. Brother Larry even took the whole girl-on-girl thing to the extreme, and is now living as a woman named Lana Wachowski. As sexy as that sounds (cough, cough), I’ll stick with Jennifer Tilly.

2. Naomi Watts and Laura Harring – Muholland Drive (2001)

A lot of people complain about Muhollan Drive‘s lack of narrative structure. Those people are assholes. It make perfect sense. First, Naomi Watts and Laura Harring start talking. Then, they start kissing. Finally, they start groping. What’s so hard to understand? David Lynch is a genius.

1. Denise Richards and Neve CampbellWild Things (1998) *Unrated Version

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why in the hell do I know who Denise Richards is?” Wild Things is the answer. While she’s not exactly the most talented actress in the world, she did get topless with Neve Campbell in a swimming pool. That won’t win you any Oscars, but it will get you a meeting with any casting director you choose until you turn 40, at which time the deal expires. That means she only has one year left. See, Denise: it’s not complicated after all.

Honorable Mention: Mia Kirshner and Beverly Polcyn - Not Another Teen Movie (2001)

This scene doesn’t have the explicit groping of the others on this list, but it does have a woman in her 70′s. That’s got to count for something, even if it’s disgusting. Eat your heart out, Megan Fox. And as long as we’re eating things out…eh, never mind.

Special thanks to Jon Mitchel

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10 Best Boner Movie Scenes http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-best-boner-movie-scenes/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-best-boner-movie-scenes/#comments Tue, 23 Nov 2010 18:23:49 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=9009 I was inspired to come up with a list of on-screen erections. It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it. At least that's what my editor said in a threatening tone.

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With another Thanksgiving upon us, it’s the perfect time to reflect and take stock of the things for which we are truly grateful. I’m thankful for my friends, my family, and for the fact that Billy Predson, who tormented me all through middle school, recently went to prison for dealing meth. I’m also thankful that my girlfriend won’t mind if I gawk at Anne Hathaway in Love and Other Drugs, which premieres tomorrow.

In the film, Jake Gyllenhaal plays a traveling Viagra salesman whose life of one-night stands is threatened when he falls in love. The filmmakers are probably hoping that the comedic “boner-pill” aspects of the film will cause men to let their guard down and willingly see this obvious chick flick. This inspired me to come up with a list of on-screen erections. It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it. At least that’s what my editor said in a threatening tone.

Tomcats (2001)
Since you’re supposed to save the best for last, I suppose we should start with the worst. And you can’t get any worse than Tomcats. Staring Jerry O’Connell and Jake Busey, this crapfest received zero stars from film critic Roger Ebert. That probably has something to do with the scene where a man ends up eating a human testicle. Or maybe it’s due to the fact that the entire movie, from start to finish, is dogsh*t. Unfortunately, it does have a memorable scene involving erections, so it makes this list.

The Little Mermaid (1989)
Much like the inside of my pants, finding an erection in a non-porn film is difficult. This is true, unless you’re the type of person who reads way too much into things. If that’s the case, look no further than Disney’s The Little Mermaid. The film has not one, but two possible boner shots, if you’re the type of person who wants to see boners. Considering you’re reading this list, I’ll assume that’s the case. Sicko.

Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
We said the list was about erections in cinema. We didn’t say they had to be human erections. At any rate, this next scene Tom Green’s Freddy Got Fingered is not safe for work, unless you work at a stud farm or your boss is cool with horse dick. I’m a farmer, daddy!

Caligula (1979)
If it’s erections you’re looking for, there’s no shortage of them in the 1979 film Caligula. However, there is a “shortening” of erections, by way of some brutal castration scenes. At any rate, we’re sure producer Bob Guccione would be proud to see his film on our list… if he wasn’t busy rotting in hell.

Anatomy Of Hell (2005)
If you’ve got porn star Rocco Siffredi in your film, chances are there’s going to be an erection. And his 2005 film, Anatomy of Hell, is no exception. While the film is unique in that it isn’t a porno, it is European, so same difference.

The Brown Bunny (2003)
Ever wanted to see Chloë Sevigny give a blowy? Then The Brown Bunny is the film for you. Of course, you’ll also have to see Vincent Gallo’s erect penis, so it’s definitely a trade off.

Road Trip (2002)
In a classic scene from the not-quite-a-classic film, Road Trip, actor Edmund Lyndeck plays Barry’s Grandpa, an elderly man who recently discovered the wonders of Viagra. However, he’s a little out of practice when it comes to dealing with erections, and he ends up knocking over a figurine. When chastised by his wife, he immediately replies, “What do you want me to do, cut it off?” Well put.

Private Parts (1997)
While attending a film premiere with B-movie star Brittany Fairchild, the actress begins rubbing Howard’s leg, which leads to the inevitable. She later convinces Howard to join her for a bath, but to leave his underwear on so he won’t be “cheating” on his wife. Again, it’s only a matter of time before trouble pops up.

Bruno (2009)
It’s one thing for a film to portray an erection in someone’s pants. It’s quite another to show an actual erect penis. But even this wasn’t enough for Sacha Baron Cohen. Not only did his 2009 film Bruno contain god knows how many cock shots, but one such erection actually had a line in the film. Yep, a talking boner. We’ve come to this.

The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)
The exact opposite of Tomcats, The 40 Year Old Virgin manages to deal with vulgar topics without disgusting its audience. That probably has something to do with the fact that people can relate and sympathize with the characters. Then again, being an Internet writer, it’s easy to sympathize with an old virgin. At any rate, watch the boner scene below, and then click on some ads, you ungrateful punk.

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Partner Post: 10 Games That Should Be Movies http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/partner-post-10-games-that-should-be-movies/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/partner-post-10-games-that-should-be-movies/#comments Fri, 19 Nov 2010 21:22:17 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=8821 Our friends at File Front put together a list of games that they'd all like to see make it to the big screen. If you love it, we had everything to do with. If you hate it, it was totally all them.

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Our friends at File Front put together a list of games that they’d all like to see make it to the big screen. Check it out HERE. If you love it, we had everything to do with. If you hate it, it was totally all them.

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9 Movie Trains You Wouldn’t Want to Ride http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/9-movie-trains-you-wouldn%e2%80%99t-want-to-ride/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/9-movie-trains-you-wouldn%e2%80%99t-want-to-ride/#comments Tue, 09 Nov 2010 18:47:20 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=7366 Hollywood has made its fair share of classic films that center around riding the rails. In honor of Unstoppable, here are nine pain-in-the-ass movie trains you wouldn’t want to ride.

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What the hell is going on with Tony Scott, Denzel Washington, and trains? Last year, the duo made The Taking of Pelham 123, a remake of the 1974 film about a train hijacking. This year, they’re back on track with Unstoppable, which tells the supposedly true story of a runaway train loaded with toxic waste. Based on the preview, the film looks about as exciting as riding a commuter train – look at these train videos just to see how boring it is. But looks can be deceiving. After all, Hollywood has made its fair share of classic films that center around riding the rails. In honor of this latest installment, here are nine pain-in-the-ass movie trains you wouldn’t want to ride.

The Great Train Robbery (1903)

The Great Train Robbery is considered one of the greatest films of the silent era. Produced by Thomas Edison, the film is widely credited with combining a number of innovative techniques in order to advance its narrative.

Audiences at the time had never seen anything like it, and many moviegoers ran away in panic when a train came barreling toward the screen. But regardless of the film’s historical significance, riding this train would be a pain in the ass, unless you consider being robbed and left for dead on the side of the tracks to be an adventure.

The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)

To be honest, Bridge on the River Kwai is not exactly a train film. In fact, the there is only one scene involving a train. However, it is one of the most memorable scenes in cinema history.

After months of slaving away to complete a railway bridge for the Imperial Japaneses Army, a group of British POWs is taking pride in a job well done. In honor of the occasion, the Japanese are planning to christen the new bridge with an inaugural ride over by visiting dignitaries. However, a crack team of British commandos finds out about the event. Without giving away exactly what transpires, you can probably imagine that this is one train you wouldn’t want to take.

Von Ryan’s Express (1965)

Of all the ways to escape from a P.O.W. camp, hijacking a train has to be on the bottom of the list. After all, it’s not like your pursuers can’t figure out where you are headed. Once you start your journey, there aren’t a lot of options. And if something happens to the tracks ahead of you, you’re in for a very short trip. These are just a few of the obstacles faced by the men in Von Ryan’s Express, starting Frank Sinatra. And it’s not like “Old Blue Eyes” is going to belt out a tune in the dining car, which means there’s really no upside to riding this train.

The French Connection (1971)

At least when a normal train derails, it’s already on the ground. Sure, the thing might flip over a few dozen times, smashing you against the sides, but still, it’s better than a plane crash. However, if you’re on an elevated train, like the one in The French Connection, you face the worst of both worlds. If the train derails, you also have to worry about the impact from falling off the structure. Sure, riding this train might give you the chance to see Gene Hackman, but you’re only going to see him from the window since he’s following with his car. All in all, it’s not worth the ride.

Murder on the Orient Express (1974)

The downside to riding this train should be pretty clear. On the one hand, you might get murdered. On the other, you might be suspected of murder. Unless you have a death wish or like getting the third degree, tell Agatha Christie to piss off.

Silver Streak (1976)

The whole point of riding a train is to get to your destination. That’s what makes the train from Silver Streak so frustrating. Due to a series of unfortunate (and stupid) events, the train does not stop when it reaches the station, but rather plows directly into it. It’s not exactly the safest way to travel, however, you might catch a glimpse of Gene Wilder in blackface, which may be worth the risk.

Mission Impossible (1996)

Riding in the Chunnel, the train tunnel that goes under the English Channel, is somewhat frightening, despite the fact that it’s extremely safe and well maintained. But thinking about it rationally should get you over any psychological hangups you might have about traveling under the ocean in a train. However, riding on the outside of the train while a helicopter chases you is a whole different story. It’s also an idiotic story, but I digress.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (2001)

Where do I begin with the Hogwarts Express. First off, it doesn’t even have a proper station platform. 9¾ my ass! Second, the train runs on magic, which leaves a hell of a carbon footprint, even compared to coal. Throw in the ever-present danger posed by flying-car collisions, and all you have is an inconvenient, dirty death trap, whimsical though it may be.

Runnin A Train On Big Mama (2008)

I’m sure there’s a train in the tunnel joke to be made, but I’m not going to make it. Suffices to say, this type of train is definitely a pain in the ass.

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9 Aussie Actors Taking American Roles http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/9-aussie-actors-taking-american-roles/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/9-aussie-actors-taking-american-roles/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 When Australians first started appearing in American films, no one raised much of a fuss. After all, there were only a few of them (Eric Bana, Cate Blanchett, Naomi Watts, etc.). Stars such as Mel Gibson (who was born in the U.S.) and Nicole Kidman became household names, but even so, their movie accents were so Americanized that many people didn’t know they were foreign. Back then, Australians who came here wanted to blend into the fabric of American society (save for Paul Hogan, but at least we knew he could be trusted). Those were simpler times.

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When Australians first started appearing in American films, no one raised much of a fuss. After all, there were only a few of them (Eric Bana, Cate Blanchett, Naomi Watts, etc.). Stars such as Mel Gibson (who was born in the U.S.) and Nicole Kidman became household names, but even so, their movie accents were so Americanized that many people didn’t know they were foreign. Back then, Australians who came here wanted to blend into the fabric of American society (save for Paul Hogan, but at least we knew he could be trusted). Those were simpler times.

What started as a trickle from Down Under has become a flood of cheap thespian labor that threatens to destroy the Hollywood we know and love, replacing it with a perverted “New New South Wales” right in our own back yard. Today’s Australian actor has no loyalty to these United States. We see them brazenly marching through the streets on Anzac Day, drunk off their faces on Fosters beer, singing Men at Work songs to anyone who will listen. But these disgusting displays are just the tip of the iceberg. The real damage comes in the form of stolen jobs. For every gig given to some Aussie “bloke,” a hard working American actor like Sinbad goes hungry.

Rather than continuing to bury our heads in the sand like some filthy emu (I know it’s ostrich, but close enough), it’s time we faced this menace head on. So that we better know our enemy, I have compiled a list of this new generation of Australian actors who pose a threat to our American way of life. Learn it well.

Simon Baker

A lot of people will tell you that these Aussies are taking the gigs that American actors won’t. If that’s the case, how do you explain Simon Baker, who is now in his third season as the lead in the "Mentalist" on CBS? Last time I checked, roles in primetime dramas were still in demand amoung American actors, yet here sits this Aussie, hogging the limelight, and probably doing it for a fraction of the going price, driving down wages for everyone in the process.

Steve Guttenberg would be the perfect fit for this role, yet “The Gutt” sits at home.

Ryan Kwanten

HBO has long been considered the cream of the crop when it comes to original television programing. So it’s no surprise that a role on an original HBO series is highly sought after by these filthy ockers. Well, it looks like Ryan Kwanten hit the jackpot with his role as Jason Stackhouse on "True Blood."

If a handsome womanizer is what you need, why not cast Daniel Baldwin? He’s all American.

Isla Fisher

If you thought only male actors were losing out to the Australian menace, think again. While Isla Fisher may be ridiculously hot, that doesn’t change the fact that she’s not one of us. Technically, she wasn’t born in Australia, but she spent her formative years there. She’s been in the Wedding Crashers and Hot Rod, as well as Confessions of a Shopaholic. Ok, maybe that last role was one they couldn’t find an American to take, but still. She’s married to another foreigner, Sacha Baron Cohen. They recently had an anchor baby, and are probably sucking the California welfare system dry as we speak.

This red head is still getting work, yet all Lindsay Lohan can get is mandatory rehab? Forshame.

Chris Hemsworth

Chris Hemsworth is single handedly closing off the sci-fi/fantasy world to American born actors. Not only did he play Captain Kirk’s dad in the latest incarnation of Star Trek, but he’s also been cast as Thor in a series of upcoming Marvel films. To add insult to injury, he will also appear in the most American film of all: the remake of Red Dawn! Why don’t you just piss on our flag, you Aussie poofter!

Why Clint Howard was not utilized for the role of Thor, I will never know.

Anna Torv

Anna Torv likes to take on all-American roles. In "The Pacific," she played legendary American film star Virginia Grey. And in her hit show, Fringe, she plays an FBI agent. But don’t let these fictional roles fool you. Anna Torv is as Australian as a koala bear sh*ting on a dingo eating a kangaroo!

Has anyone seen Lisa Kudrow lately? She probably starved to death. Thanks, Anna.

Mia Wasikowska

I’ll never forgive Tim Burton for turning his back on America by casting this Australian trollop in the role of Alice for his film, Alice in Wonderland. The part led to a role in The Kids Are All Right, as well as the upcoming Gus Van Sant film, Restless.

While this girl is probably turing down work, Tara Reid is forced to sit at home alone, playing with her giant nipple while waiting for the phone to ring. There’s no justice in this world.

Liam Hemsworth

Unlike his brother Chris, Liam Hemsworth hasn’t stolen much in the way of choice film roles. The Last Song was a real turd. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and watch him steal our most valuable commodity of all: young female pop-stars. You see, word on the street is old Liam is dating Miley Cyrus. I stress the word “old.” She’s still 17, and he’s 20. And they’ve been dating for a while. Maybe statuary rape is all the rage on your filthy criminal island, Laim, but here in the States (well, most of the States) we don’t take kindly to it.

Besides, if you want an actor who bangs underaged girls, why not hire Rob Lowe?

Alex O’Loughlin

Alex O’Loughlin recently landed the role every young actor covets: staring alongside Jennifer Lopez in a romantic-baby comedy (The Back-Up Plan). He then parlayed the overwhelming success of that film into a role on the hot new CBS series, “Hawaii 5-0,” his THIRD role on a CBS drama. Next thing you know, he’ll be demanding the right to vote in our elections.

There was only one man who deserved that role in “Hawaii 5-0,” and that man is Gary Busey.

Sam Worthington

Although born in England, Worthington moved to Austrailia when he was very young. This explains his parasitic nature, moving from place to place until the well runs dry. He’s like the aliens from Independence Day, and it has served him well. He eventually made his way to the US and sucked up roles in Terminator Salvation and Clash of the Titans, not to mention a little film called Avatar. And like his character in that film, he’s a filthy mercenary, a gun for hire with no allegiance to this, or any country.

Avatar would have been the perfect time for Lou Diamond Phillips to launch his comeback, if not for Sam “No Worth-ington."

Did I miss any Aussies taking over Hollywood? Put your comment below and be counted.

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10 Most Bad-Ass Devils in Film http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-most-bad-ass-devils-in-film/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-most-bad-ass-devils-in-film/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Devils and demons have possessed the silver screen in many formats, from comedies to cartoons, CGI depictions, psychological thrillers, and fantasy worlds. Yet the most bad-ass, ripsnorting, fire breathing incarnations that we remember are the ones that send chills down our spines. With Devil taking over theaters Friday, I thought I'd compile a list of the 10 most bad-ass Devils in movies. Nothing is better than witnessing your favorite actor playing the ultimate screen villain of old Beelzebub himself. Hail Satan!   Al Pacino as John Milton - The Devil's Advocate While the movie is just a silly combination of John Grisham novels meets the production designer of Rosemary’s Baby, there's plenty of hot and steamy sex with Connie Nelson and Charlize Theron. Plus Al Pacino plays the devil, so do I really need to say anything more?  

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Devils and demons have possessed the silver screen in many formats, from comedies to cartoons, CGI depictions, psychological thrillers, and fantasy worlds. Yet the most bad-ass, ripsnorting, fire breathing incarnations that we remember are the ones that send chills down our spines. With Devil taking over theaters Friday, I thought I’d compile a list of the 10 most bad-ass Devils in movies. Nothing is better than witnessing your favorite actor playing the ultimate screen villain of old Beelzebub himself. Hail Satan!

 

Al Pacino as John Milton – Th Devil‘s Advocate

While the movie is just a silly combination of John Grisham novels meets the production designer of Rosemary’s Baby, there’s plenty of hot and steamy sex with Connie Nelson and Charlize Theron. Plus Al Pacino plays the devil, so do I really need to say anything more?
 

Robert De Niro as Louis Cyphre – Angel Heart

Don’t be fooled by the man’s name: Louis Cyphre — say it slowly out loud now. He’ll make you sign deals that you won’t even remember. Robert De Niro plays him with an intensity that chills your soul, and what’s even more disturbing is that he looked to director Martin Scorsese as his inspiration. I knew Marty was into some dark stuff.

 

Voice of Mercedes McCambridge as Pazuzu – The Exorcist

While the so-called demon named Puzuzu inhabiting Linda Blair may not be the actual Devil, this is his number one go-to demon in making life a living hell for innocent kids and tired, old priests who have lost their faith. If the scene with the masturbating crucifix scene doesn’t give you the creeps then I’m pretty sure you have no soul to steal.

 

Gabriel Byrne as The Man – End of Days

The Devil in the film can piss fire, take on Arnold Schwarzenegger, and bed a mother/daughter threesome within a three-day period before the new millennium hits. If that’s not bad-ass to the bone multi-tasking then I don’t know what is.

 

Tim Curry as Darkness – Legend

The ultimate ripped and red creature played by Tim Curry battles Tom Cruise for unicorn horns and a mystical land while listening to the 80s iconic dark tones of Tangerine Dream. There isn’t any mention of drugs being passed around amongst the characters in this film, but it’s hard to believe someone wasn’t on set at all times passing out psychedelic stamps or copies of Dianetics to get to another level of crazy. Then again, Ridley Scott knew how to make amazing fantasy worlds and far out demonic images back in the day.

 

Emmanuelle Siegner as The Girl – The Ninth Gate

The mysterious hot biker chick played by Polanski’s wife is never officially revealed to be the devil, but once odd book keeper Johnny Depp and her get it on in the forest, it’s implied that his soul now belongs to the devil. Who ever thought that reading could be so dangerous for the soul? Besides Nazis.

  

Harvey Stephens as Damien Thorn - The Omen

We all know rich little school boys are evil, but this one happens to be the actual devil incarnate, and poor old man Gregory Peck gets shot trying to end all the evil deeds that little Damien has done. While making The Omen, director Richard Donner was nearly rundown by a mysterious car and even a couple crewmembers were even killed in a horrible set accident. Curse or coincidence for this devil movie?

 

Viggo Mortenson as Lucifer – The Prophecy

A heavily bearded Viggo Mortensen makes a brief appearance as Lucifer showing up at the climax in the ultimate battle between B-Movie angels versus humans. At the movie’s climax, Lucifer proceeds to eat the heart of fallen angel Gabriel, played by Christopher Walken, who surprisingly hasn’t played the diabolic demon yet.

 

Jack Nicholson as Daryl Van Horne – The Witches of Eastwick

The man with the most devilish looking grin this side of hell gets his chance to rattle the bones and souls of the New England town on Eastwick. Jack Nicholson seems very much at home pulling wicked pranks and having raucus orgies with desperate housewives Cher, Susan Sarandon, and Michelle Pfeiffer. Nicholson shows how cool you can be by playing someone so bad.

 

Max von Sydow as Leland Gaunt – Needful Things

Max von Sydow has run the gambit of religious roles, from playing Jesus in The Greatest Story Ever Told to fearful Father Merrin in The Exorcist, to playing The Devil himself in Needful Things. The movie itself is a pretty poor adaptation of Stephen King’s mega novel about The Devil coming to the fictitiously famed town of Castle Rock to collect souls for his antique shop, but Sydow with his deep voice and retro clothing style gives the movie a much needed boost in how to scare the old fashioned hell out of you.

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12 Most Bad-Ass Devils In Film http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/12-most-bad-ass-devils-in-film/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/12-most-bad-ass-devils-in-film/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Devils and demons have possessed the silver screen in many formats, from comedies to cartoons, CGI depictions, psychological thrillers, and fantasy worlds. Yet the most bad-ass, ripsnorting, fire breathing incarnations that we remember are the ones that send chills down our spines. With Devil taking over theaters Friday, I thought I'd compile a list of the 12 most bad-ass Devils in movies. Nothing is better than witnessing your favorite actor playing the ultimate screen villain of old Beelzebub himself. Hail Satan!   Al Pacino as John Milton - The Devil's Advocate While the movie is just a silly combination of John Grisham novels meets the production designer of Rosemary’s Baby, there's plenty of hot and steamy sex with Connie Nelson and Charlize Theron. Plus Al Pacino plays the devil, so do I really need to say anything more?  

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Devils and demons have possessed the silver screen in many formats, from comedies to cartoons, CGI depictions, psychological thrillers, and fantasy worlds. Yet the most bad-ass, ripsnorting, fire breathing incarnations that we remember are the ones that send chills down our spines. With Devil taking over theaters Friday, I thought I’d compile a list of the 12 most bad-ass Devils in movies. Nothing is better than witnessing your favorite actor playing the ultimate screen villain of old Beelzebub himself. Hail Satan!

 

Al Pacino as John Milton – Th Devil‘s Advocate

While the movie is just a silly combination of John Grisham novels meets the production designer of Rosemary’s Baby, there’s plenty of hot and steamy sex with Connie Nelson and Charlize Theron. Plus Al Pacino plays the devil, so do I really need to say anything more?
 

Robert De Niro as Louis Cyphre – Angel Heart

Don’t be fooled by the man’s name: Louis Cyphre — say it slowly out loud now. He’ll make you sign deals that you won’t even remember. Robert De Niro plays him with an intensity that chills your soul, and what’s even more disturbing is that he looked to director Martin Scorsese as his inspiration. I knew Marty was into some dark stuff.

 

Voice of Mercedes McCambridge as Pazuzu – The Exorcist

While the so-called demon named Puzuzu inhabiting Linda Blair may not be the actual Devil, this is his number one go-to demon in making life a living hell for innocent kids and tired, old priests who have lost their faith. If the scene with the masturbating crucifix scene doesn’t give you the creeps then I’m pretty sure you have no soul to steal.

 

Gabriel Byrne as The Man – End of Days

The Devil in the film can piss fire, take on Arnold Schwarzenegger, and bed a mother/daughter threesome within a three-day period before the new millennium hits. If that’s not bad-ass to the bone multi-tasking then I don’t know what is.

 

Tim Curry as Darkness – Legend

The ultimate ripped and red creature played by Tim Curry battles Tom Cruise for unicorn horns and a mystical land while listening to the 80s iconic dark tones of Tangerine Dream. There isn’t any mention of drugs being passed around amongst the characters in this film, but it’s hard to believe someone wasn’t on set at all times passing out psychedelic stamps or copies of Dianetics to get to another level of crazy. Then again, Ridley Scott knew how to make amazing fantasy worlds and far out demonic images back in the day.

 

Emmanuelle Siegner as The Girl – The Ninth Gate

The mysterious hot biker chick played by Polanski’s wife is never officially revealed to be the devil, but once odd book keeper Johnny Depp and her get it on in the forest, it’s implied that his soul now belongs to the devil. Who ever thought that reading could be so dangerous for the soul? Besides Nazis.

 

Glowing Eyes and Hairy Hands in Orgy Scene – Rosemary’s Baby

The Devil’s hands and eyes may only appear on screen, but he does want a baby, so he finds a nice Upper Manhattan couple who make friends with the wrong kind, elderly next door neighbors. Director Roman Polanski is said to have made a devil’s bargain when making this eerie demonic movie, as it was shortly released before his wife’s brutal murder and his controversial sex scandal.

 

Harvey Stephens as Damien Thorn - The Omen

We all know rich little school boys are evil, but this one happens to be the actual devil incarnate, and poor old man Gregory Peck gets shot trying to end all the evil deeds that little Damien has done. While making The Omen, director Richard Donner was nearly rundown by a mysterious car and even a couple crewmembers were even killed in a horrible set accident. Curse or coincidence for this devil movie?

 

Viggo Mortenson as The Devil – The Prophecy

A heavily bearded Viggo Mortensen makes a brief appearance as Lucifer showing up at the climax in the ultimate battle between B-Movie angels versus humans. At the movie’s climax, Lucifer proceeds to eat the heart of fallen angel Gabriel, played by Christopher Walken, who surprisingly hasn’t played the diabolic demon yet.

 

Jack Nicholson as Daryl Van Horne – The Witches of Eastwick

The man with the most devilish looking grin this side of hell gets his chance to rattle the bones and souls of the New England town on Eastwick. Jack Nicholson seems very much at home pulling wicked pranks and having raucus orgies with desperate housewives Cher, Susan Sarandon, and Michelle Pfeiffer. Nicholson shows how cool you can be by playing someone so bad.

 

Max von Sydow as Leland Gaunt – Needful Things

Max von Sydow has run the gambit of religious roles, from playing Jesus in The Greatest Story Ever Told to fearful Father Merrin in The Exorcist, to playing The Devil himself in Needful Things. The movie itself is a pretty poor adaptation of Stephen King’s mega novel about The Devil coming to the fictitiously famed town of Castle Rock to collect souls for his antique shop, but Sydow with his deep voice and retro clothing style gives the movie a much needed boost in how to scare the old fashioned hell out of you.

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10 Directors Who Should Call It Quits http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-directors-who-should-call-it-quits/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-directors-who-should-call-it-quits/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 There are some actors and actresses who should have pulled the plug on their careers years ago, but they have instead continued to Chuck Liddell us (that’s a reference to an MMA fighter who won’t retire, if you're not into the octagon) with the same boring, uninspired appearances in the latest schlock that they are getting paid to sleepwalk through. But let’s also not forget the directors out there that keep doing the same to us. There’s a horde of filmmakers who used to be pretty damn good or at least did a couple of good films early on in their careers, but who now only turn out movies that make us want to resort to Weekend at Bernie’s II again and again. There are many offenders, but for now we’ll look at ten who should hang up their directing beret.  

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There are some actors and actresses who should have pulled the plug on their careers years ago, but they have instead continued to Chuck Liddell us (that’s a reference to an MMA fighter who won’t retire, if you’re not into the octagon) with the same boring, uninspired appearances in the latest schlock that they are getting paid to sleepwalk through. But let’s also not forget the directors out there that keep doing the same to us. There’s a horde of filmmakers who used to be pretty damn good or at least did a couple of good films early on in their careers, but who now only turn out movies that make us want to resort to Weekend at Bernie’s II again and again. There are many offenders, but for now we’ll look at ten who should hang up their directing beret.

 

The Farrelly Brothers

Dumb & Dumber, Kingpin, and There’s Something About Mary — laugh your ass off funny. Even Shallow Hal had some moments. Oh, but wait. The same guys who delivered us these gems have also most recently given us Osmosis Jones, Stuck on You, and Fever Pitch. The Heartbreak Kid was a move in the right direction, but it also showed that the Farrellys had lost their great mix of gross-out humor while showing the heart of dudes trying to ‘make it’. Hall Pass is their next movie and while it sounds like it has potential, we’ve been burned too many times lately by Peter and Bobby to get excited about it.

Up Next: Aside from Hall Pass, The Three Stooges feature is in the works.

 

M. Night Shyamalan

He could do no wrong after The Sixth Sense. “Dude, Bruce Willis was dead the whole time!” was all you heard for a month after the movie came out. (Note: If you haven’t seen The Sixth Sense yet, this is a retroactive spoiler alert.) Unbreakable was still visually cool and interesting enough for us to still like him. Signs and The Village made us start twisting and growing uncomfortably in our seats. Then came the one that brought down the empire: Lady in the Water. The one that had a book written about the behind-the-scenes and contained stories of Night breaking down in tears to Disney execs because he wanted to play a bigger role in the film. He and Disney severed ties, he played the role and the movie was hated by most of his former fans. Suddenly, M. Night had managed to go from superstar director to audiences wanting his head on a platter in about seven years. The Happening — or should I say, What the Hell is Happening? — was icing on the cake. And I won’t even go into the The Last Airbender. Shyamalan needs that to be his Last Movie.

Up Next: He produced the upcoming Devil and has an untitled film in the works for 2012.

 

Paul W. S. Anderson

Mortal Kombat is a guilty pleasure for a lot of dudes. Event Horizon was semi-scary and the film version of Resident Evil made me giggle like a school boy when my video game fantasies came true (Milla Jovovich as Alice getting all naked was a highlight) Paul W.S. Anderson, not to be confused with Paul Thomas Anderson who makes critically-acclaimed dramas, has never made high-brow stuff and doesn’t pretend he has. But his early stuff had a certain tongue-in-cheek, just-for-the-dudes pleasure to it. That started melting quickly away after the first Resident Evil movie. AVP: Aliens vs. Predator was, well, a movie. But saying it was watchable is a stretch. And if that was unwatchable, what does that make Death Race? The advance buzz on Resident Evil: Afterlife is that Anderson has another stinker on his hands…and he recently announced his next directing effort: The Three Muskateers. That could be interesting, except he is doing it with Orlando Bloom in the cast. This madness needs to stop.

Up Next: In addition to the Orlando Bloom swor fighting thing, he’s attached to direct the Buck Rogers feature.

 

Francis Ford Coppola

Early in his career, Copploa worked for about a decade writing and producing films while directing small, low budget films. Then the 70’s came. The Godfather and The Godfather II are near masterpieces. The Conversation was crazy cool and every guy loves Apocalypse Now. In the 80’s Coppola gave us The Outsiders and Peggy Sue Got Married (you know, the one with Nicholas Cage’s voice). But he also gave us some boring flicks. Rumble Fish, The Cotton Club, and Tucker all had some good elements to them, but could be coma inducing at times. And Francis wasn’t finished. He decided to begin the 90’s with a third Godfather movie. Damn him for that. It wasn’t remotely near the quality of the other two and nearly ruined their memory. His daughter, while a decent director in her own right, was part of the ensemble. A Scottish terrier dressed in drag would have been better cast. He continued the 90’s with the overrated Dracula, the sappy and crappy Jack, and the seen-it-all-before Grisham flick, The Rainmaker. The pattern of his films getting weaker as he got older was painfully obvious. He’s done two flicks in the past three years and both are barely shadows of his early genius. The man has produced tons of other great films, so maybe it time to step away from directing and just produce.

Up Next: Producing a couple of films. No directing in sight. We win!

 

John Singleton

Singleton’s Boyz n the Hood was badass in so many ways. He was a director who was raw and not afraid of hitting a nerve while dealing with some deep sh*t. Higher Learning showed that same quality and Poetic Justice wasn’t half bad either. Then he did Rosewood, which was a way under-appreciated dramatic film about actual events. Everyone thought Singleton was moving onto the next level as a filmmaker. Certainly he would follow that up with something smart…like a remake of Shaft. What? Some movies should just not be redone — not that Shaft was a work of art, but it has its place in cinema history. After that debacle, Singleton did the bland Baby Boy and jumped on-board 2 Fast 2 Furious. This movie was without Vin Diesel, but despite that bonus was somehow worse than the first one. All he has done since is some producing and he directed Four Brothers, a movie that could have been a solid revenge drama, but ended up being four actors trying to outdo one another in the tough guy department.

Up Next: Abduction, starring Taylor Lautner. Boyz n the Hood seems so many years ago…

 

Rob Reiner

This is Spinal Tap, The Sure Thing, Stand By Me, The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally, Misery, A Few Good Men. Rob Reiner directed all of these films right in a row. There was comedy, there was drama. There was award show nominations. And on top of all that, he’s a guy it’s impossible to dislike. He still acted in and produced a lot of films, too, but he went through the 90’s with The American President being his only decent directorial effort. North was just not even close to his early quality and The Story of Us was disjointed and trying to say something about the institution of marriage that frankly, everyone knows already. And Ghosts of Mississippi was just boring. So what Reiner decided to do to improve his directing streak after this string of films was direct Alex & Emma, Rumor Has It, and The Bucket List right in a row. All three were complete wastes of celluloid. Rob, you had a great run in the 80’s. Let’s step aside now.

Up Next: Flipped coming out this week and three other films in development.

 

Gary Marshall

Another guy from TV (like Reiner) who made the successful leap into feature films. And also another guy who is difficult to dislike. But he still needs to stop directing movies. He did a ton of TV and a feature before The Flamingo Kid, which got him some movie director notice. Overboard was solid, but it was the sobby girlfest Beaches that had chicks loving everything he did after that. He followed that up with more girly stuff, like a tiny film called Pretty Woman. That movie was huge and certainly prostitutes everywhere were thrilled that they were finally being portrayed like the well-spoken, hygiene-conscious ladies they truly are. Frankie and Johnny brought Marshall more critical acclaim and despite his sensibility for romantic comedies and slapping on too much sentimental crap, his movies weren’t hard to watch. Even for guys. But then he either stopped taking his meds or started taking too many meds, because Exit to Eden, Dear God, The Princess Diaries, The Other Sister, Runaway Bride, Raising Helen, The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement, Georgia Rule, and Valentine’s Day were dropped into our laps. Seriously, it hurts my brains.

Up Next: State of the Union, a romance with Richard Gere and Annette Bening.

 

The Wachowskis (formerly The Wachowski Brothers)

Andy and Larry Wachowski (or ‘Lana’, as Larry is now referred to whether he actually had the sex change or not) made The Matrix. And it was awesome. There’s no denying how cool the story was and how it kicked ass visually. Then came the ho-hum Matrix Reloaded and the soooo not good Matrix Revolutions. They did write V for Vendetta shortly after their four year love affair with all things Matrix, but then they decided to write and direct the awfulness that was Speed Racer. But it’s their latest film that doesn’t sound like it contains anything we loved about The Matrix. It’s called Cobalt Neutral 9 and is described as a ‘Hard R gay film’ that is about an American soldier who falls in love with an Iraqi. Think Brokeback Mountain with stop motion effects.

Up Next: Cobalt Neutral 9 and some producing.

 

George Lucas

Some say it is heresy to suggest George Lucas be done sitting in the director’s chair. I proclaim, give it up, nerds. Yes, the guy made one of the greatest trilogies in history. And his America Grafitti was a great film that inspired more than a few other films (Dazed & Confused, etc.). He’s a talented producer and great at coming up with a story (or at least a kernal of a great idea), but look at his recent time at the helm. His last three entries into the Star Wars universe were the equivalent of pooping on a beloved celebrity’s grave. From his casting of Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen to the absurdity of Jar Jar Binks, the movies were trainwrecks driven by an insane CGI conductor. Lucas’s hand in the recent Indiana Jones is also showing his delusion in other areas of filmmaking and how it permanently damaged that franchise. Someone should get him to retire to his ranch where R2-D2 and C-3P0 can shuttle him pina coladas pool-side all day long.

Up Next: No directing, thank God, but producing Red Tails, about the Tuskegee Airmen, and of course, some Star Wars-related stuff.

 

Ed Burns

Th Brothers McMullen was in no way a great movie, but for how cheap it was pulled off, it was good. The dialogue was sharp and it had some good relationship moments. Ed Burns was the writer, director, and star, and despite his high pitched annoying voice, it all worked. He followed up Brothers with She’s the One and No Looking Back. They were average and had Burns’ usual relationship shtick except now he had money to make the film look sharp and hire name actors. During this time, he started getting cast more in other people’s films, which I think somehow made us forget how average his own films were. Saving Private Ryan and 15 Minutes had him climbing the Hollywood actor ladder while he kept making his own films. Sidewalks of New York was okay and an improvement on his last film. Then he cranked out Ash Wednesday and Looking for Kitty. Things were going south quickly and that wasn’t about to change. When The Groomsmen came along, I actually tried to file a class action suit against Burns for wasting all the talents he had assembled for that film. He followed that with Purple Violets — a film reportedly so bad, it couldn’t even get distribution at first and had to premiere on iTunes. Let him still act if he wants, but directing? Please God, no.

Up Next: Nice Guy Johnny, which looks like an extended ad for Abercrombie & Fitch.

Did I get them right or wrong? Leave your additions and subtractions to the list in the comments section.

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Best Fake Pornos in Mainstream Films http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/best-fake-pornos-in-mainstream-films/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/best-fake-pornos-in-mainstream-films/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Understatement of the Century: we love watching porn! But we also like movies made by semi-professional filmmakers that operate within the non-porn Hollywood system. When these two elements come together, it can make for a pretty satisfying cinematic experience. From The 40-Year-Old Virgin to 8MM, porn has long been referenced or addressed in mainstream films, but it is particularly sweet when the filmmakers take the next step and make up a fake porn movie. Some are actually filmed and shown on screen, while others are there in dialogue only -- but it’s all great. Check out a few of our favorite fake nudie flicks.  

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Understatement of the Century: we love watching porn! But we also like movies made by semi-professional filmmakers that operate within the non-porn Hollywood system. When these two elements come together, it can make for a pretty satisfying cinematic experience. From The 40-Year-Old Virgin to 8MM, porn has long been referenced or addressed in mainstream films, but it is particularly sweet when the filmmakers take the next step and make up a fake porn movie. Some are actually filmed and shown on screen, while others are there in dialogue only — but it’s all great. Check out a few of our favorite fake nudie flicks.

 

My Pipes Need Cleaning, Etc. from Clerks

Kevin Smith loves coming up with porn film names and his first film has a wonderful string of X-rated film names. In the movie, Randall is on the phone ordering a new supply of tapes for the video store. Here is the list of porn movies he lists off while a young kid is just a few feet away: "Put It Where It Doesn’t Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All T*t-F***ing Volume 8", "I Need Your C**k", "Ass-Worshipping R*m-Jobbers", "My C**t Needs Shafts", "C*m Clean", "C*m-Gargling Naked Sluts", "C*m Buns III", "C**ming in Socks", "C*m On Eileen", "Huge Black C**ks and Pearly White C*m", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", and "Pink P***y Lips".

Randall’s my hero.

Porn Name Bonus: Kevin Smith’s porn star name is Harry Jizz (thanks to the Porn Star Name Generator).

 

C*ckchuggers 2: C*ckchuggin’ from Southland Tales

For this fake porn to make an appearance, you have to sit through a kinda’ genius/mangled mess starring The Rock and Sarah Michelle Gellar. But a reference to a fake porn sequel to a real porn movie is always cool to see, so it’ll be worth the trip. Back me up on this.

Porn Name Bonus: The Rock’s porn star name is Hugh Rammer. Sarah Michelle Gellar would be called Tara Cumalot.

 

Star Whores from Zach and Miri Make A Porno

Yes, this movie is about making a porn movie, but let’s not lose the fake porno greatness happening in it. Kevin Smith — who is not the only porn lover appearing twice on this list — does his fake porn name thing again, except this time he builds an entire movie around it. The real smut industry would do themselves a favor by taking notes from Smith. It’s time we give porn movie titles some classing up.

Porn Name Bonus: Seth Rogen’s (Zach) porn star name is Uncle Dangle. Elizabeth Banks’ (Miri) is, oddly enough, Nurse Dangler.

 

Schindler’s Fist from Orgazmo

Orgazmo was a little film Trey Parker made before “South Park” blew up. It’s about a Mormon who starts making porn movies to pay for his wedding and goes by the name Captain Orgazmo. Schindler’s Fist is one of the titles here, which might be one of the greatest porn movie titles ever, but the real highlight of Orgazmo is the sex scene with T-Rex. Good God.

Porn Name Bonus: Trey Parker’ porn star name turned out to be General Asstronaut.

 

Danielle’s Kung Fu Porno from The Girl Next Door

Elisha Cuthbert may not be the greatest actress in Hollywood, but she was definitely born to portray a porn actress. The clip from this fake porn cast her as the ultimate test of a kung fu student’s training. And it doesn’t involv fighting, if you know what I mean. Funny, I don’t remember that stage of testing when I was 10 and trying to earn my yellow belt.

Porn Name Bonus:
Elisha Cuthbert’s porn star name is Slappy Dangle. Starting to see a pattern here…?

 

The German Scheisse Video from South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

In honor of the Scheisse video, enjoy some Mr. Hanky.

In the film, it’s the usual “South Park” stuff you know and love, and the kids also witness a clip of Cartman’s Mom in a German Scheisse video from back in the day. It, of course, involves poop and stuff. The sound effects alone can make a grown man dry heave. I second the question posed in the movie, “Dude, what the f*** is wrong with German people?”

Porn Name Bonus: Eric Cartman’s porn star name is Dick Spankalot.

 

Brock Landers: Angels Live in My Town from Boogie Nights

Boogie Nights was about the porn industry, but there was also a genius porn movie concept born out of it…a series of films about two action heros/sex stallions named Brock Landers and Chest Rockwell, played by Mark Wahlberg and John C. Reilly, respectively. Wahlberg, as Dirk Diggler, pitches the idea to Burt Reynolds in the movie and it becomes a hit. The trailer for it looked wonderfully awful, but my local adult store is still telling me it is unavailable. And I check on a daily basis.

Porn Name Bonus: Dirk Diggler’s porn star name of his porn star name would be Spanky Maxim.

 

Logjammin’ from The Big Lebowski

Perhaps the greatest of all fake porn movies is Logjammin’ from The Big Lebowski. The clip in the movie captures all the wonderful cliches that we have come to know and love in porn movies and sets up an inevitable threesome (which we do not get to see). Peter Stormare is the guy sent over to fix the cable at Bunny’s apartment because — as he says — “I am exxxpert!”

Porn Name Bonus: The Dude’s porn star name is Buck Spreadum.

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7 Ex-Boyfriends Scott Pilgrim Can’t Beat http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/7-ex-boyfriends-scott-pilgrim-cant-beat/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/7-ex-boyfriends-scott-pilgrim-cant-beat/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 This weekend, Scott Pilgrim will be bus fighting "the world," who in this instance are the seven evil ex-boyfriends of Ramona V. Flowers. He’ll be going through all this just...

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This weekend, Scott Pilgrim will be bus fighting "the world," who in this instance are the seven evil ex-boyfriends of Ramona V. Flowers. He’ll be going through all this just to date her. Sure it seems dramatic, but we’ve all done crazy things in the name of young love. One of those is probably dealing with the wacko ex-boyfriend of the girl we’re dating.

While Scott’s chore doesn’t appear easy, it does seem like a cake walk in terms of a super group of ex-boyfriends on the big screen. Scott’s plight got this writer to thinking, "if I were dating a woman, who are the seven fictional ex-boyfriends I’d hate to have to match-up against?" The list is brief but the men are formidable. While they begin as boyfriends at the start of each film, they actually become an ex-love thanks to the meddle of the stories protagonist. Hence making them "ex-boyfriends".

Here are seven ex-boyfriends me, you or Scott Pilgrim wouldn’t want to have to face off against.

Johnny Lawrence – The Karate Kid

Ignore the fact he lost the final match to Larusso. It was one cheap kick to the face. Focus on the fact that for the other 125 minutes of the movie Mr. Lawrence made Daniel-San’s life a living hell at school, at dances, on the beach and anywhere else he could unleash a quickly choreographed butt-whipping on the kid from New Jersey. Throw in the fact Lawrence was the de facto leader of the Cobra Kai, and strutted around in his sweet sateen jacket about three or four cronies deep at all times, and any man would have his hands full with ex-boyfriend Numero Uno. Unless of course, you learn some stupid kick. Watch the other foot dummy!

 

Zachary ‘Sack’ Lodge – Wedding Crashers

"You know, you can just cut that psycho babble bullshit your mom tells you ok? You wanna help me out? Do ya? Do ya kid? Why don’t you go get me a 7Up, ok? All right, ’cause I think I might get vulnerable again." And with that line, Sack Lodge cemented himself in the a-hole movie boyfriend Hall of Fame, making every single woman in the world hate his guts. It also made him quite the foe to any man looking to take his woman. Why? He treated her like crap and she still stuck around for most of the movie. Sack was also heavily connected in the DC area and holds his own on the football field, as well as in a back-alley brawl (even if two people were holding his opponent). One quail hunting trip and Scott Pilgrim is pulling shotgun shells out of his pasty, pathetic boy-band behind.

 

Stan Gable – Revenge of the Nerds

Head of the Alpha Betas. Quarterback of a Division I football team. Head of the Greek Council. Eventual killer of every TV show. Stan Gable is perhaps the prototypical alpha male boyfriend who would still rule the college campus even if a couple nerds made him look bad once in a while. Gable is everything that Scott Pilgrim is not. Let’s just hope for Stan’s sake the Tri-Lambs and U.N. Jefferson don’t take a shining to Scott as well. Things might get dark. Bleek! I meant bleak!

 

Caledon Hockley – Titanic

Getting rich today seems much easier than getting loaded at the turn of the century. You had to have the proper mix of snake-oil salesman and southern charmer. It’s no wonder Cal Hockley was loaded. He was good looking, well read and had the look like he’d kill his own mother to get his way. All of these qualities make him a formidable foe. Oh, and also add to his resume he survived the sinking of the freaking Titanic, even after being one of the last ones off the boat. He might not have gotten the girl (or the diamond) but he got something his competition Jack didn’t; a chance to live to fight another fifty years. Cal is an unsinkable nemesis.

 

David McCall – Fear

David McCall is every dad’s worst nightmare; a good-looking and manipulative kid with a love spell over his teenage daughter. Not to mention the dude was jacked and one step past bat-shit crazy. Any kid carving words into his chest for leisure and lust is not someone to take lightly, or talk to, or even go near for any reason. David is nuts with nothing really to lose. It’s a recipe for disaster. If Scott Pilgram, or any man, dates a girl with a dude like Marky Mark McCall for an ex, just move along because it’s not worth the hassle. Also, move to another town. Dude is bonkers.

 

Scott "Cyclops" Summers – X-Men

Mutants walk among us. They usually date other mutants. Occasionally they will date us humans. One quick stare at the crotch and a guy’s balls are sizzling like cherry tomatoes on a BBQ grill. The only saving grace is Cyclops is one of the good guys. Doesn’t mean he can’t royally screw with people when Professor X isn’t paying attention. If a dude with huge cataract glasses is the ex-boyfriend of the girl you’re taking to dinner, be warned, because in this case looks could definitely kill. Although, it is James Marsden, who loses the girl in every freaking movie.
 

Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader – Star Wars Trilogy

Think you’ve had some bad days on the job? What if your first day was an assault on a Jedi Temple (basically all your friends and ex-coworkers) and kill everyone inside, even little children, making way for the formation of the Empire. Oh, you spilled coffee on yourself? Big whoop. Darth Vader is the ultimate scorned ex. Hell bent on destroying everything, and everyone, all over a girl. It doesn’t help he isn’t even all human, made of spare parts and a black suit of armor keeping him pieced together. The dude has loved, lost, almost killed that love and his own kids a couple times. He has tasted death and really has little to live for. A Republic of Scott Pilgrims can get together to fight and it really wouldn’t matter. The Force is crazy with this one.

Chris Illuminati is a new dad. He has nothing better to do but watch movies and blog. Check out his other work HERE.

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12 Best Portrayals of Movie White Trash http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/12-best-portrayals-of-movie-white-trash/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/12-best-portrayals-of-movie-white-trash/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Acting is a skill that requires intense focus and an incredible amount of natural talent. Acting like white trash simply requires a lack of focus and an incredible amount of Natural Light. That said, some actors manage the role better than others and that’s what I’ll be examining today as I present the 12 greatest portrayals of white trash in film. Nicholas Cage as H.I. McDonnough in Raising Arizona

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Acting is a skill that requires intense focus and an incredible amount of natural talent. Acting like white trash simply requires a lack of focus and an incredible amount of Natural Light. That said, some actors manage the role better than others and that’s what I’ll be examining today as I present the 12 greatest portrayals of white trash in film.

Nicholas Cage as H.I. McDonnough in Raising Arizona

While I’m not stack ranking these performances one through twelve, it seemed appropriate to give Cage the top billing on this list. It’s hard to imagine anyone else playing the role of the ex-convict baby-snatcher H.I. “call me Hi” as well as he did back in this 1987 Coen brothers classic. The character lived in a trailer in the Arizona desert and required a Hollywood actor that could sell the part. Since it isn’t hard to figure if Nic Cage hadn’t gotten his big break that is exactly where he’d be right now, it is safe to say H.I. McDonnough was the role he was born to play. Johnny Blaze (Ghost Rider) on the other hand, was not.

Best line: “We figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter.”

 

Randy Quaid as Cousin Eddie in The Vacation Movies

Cousin Eddie is perhaps the quintessential white trash character in the comedy genre, and Randy Quaid nailed it. While the character slipped a bit in the sequels that would follow, his role in the 1983 original was nothing short of brilliant. He carries a half-finished sixer around in the yard, hits up Clark for an obscene amount of money and, according to his daughter, he is the best French kisser around. Add it all up and you’ve got a character that is a lock to make this list.

Best line: “I don’t know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don’t you, Clark?”

 

Darlene Cates as Bonnie Grape in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?

Few and far between are the 500 pound Caucasian women that are not classified as white trash. You have to have a serious addiction to soap operas, inactivity and Cheetos to get that big. I don’t know a lot about Darlene Cates’ background, but she was born in Texas and weighed around 550 pounds when she made her acting debut in this film so it’s a safe bet to assume she may have known a thing or two about acting like white trash. Just the same, she did turn in a fine performance in this film alongside two of today’s most acclaimed actors, Johnny Depp and Leonardo DiCaprio. Unfortunately for her, Hollywood’s obsession with rail-thin actresses prevented her from finding much work after the film wrapped. I guess the world just wasn’t ready for There’s Something About Mary starring Darlene Cates.

Best line: “You’re my knight in shimmering armor. Did you know that?”

 

Dwight Yoakam as Doyle Hargraves in Slingblade

First of all, if you are going to write a white trash character into a script, naming him Doyle is an excellent start. It also helps if you have him get murdered by a retarded lead character, because whether you know it or not, in the trailer parks of the flyover states it happens more frequently than you’d think. Secondly, when you cast the role, why not look to the world of country music to find your actor. It just makes sense. Dwight Yoakam’s performance as Doyle Hargraves clearly draws on what must have been real life experiences growing up as he effortlessly plays an abusive, alcoholic, homophobic, retard-hating redneck in rural Arkansas. However, not every country singer can act, as was clearly evidenced by Toby Keith in his role as Joe Bill ‘Rack’ Racklin in Beer for My Horses (yes, that is a real movie… you can look it up).

Best line: “You know better than to talk to me like that when I’m hurtin’, Linda. Don’t make me knock the piss outta you.”

 

Charlize Theron as Aileen in Monster

In a role that forever ruined the way I look at Charlize Theron physically but enhanced my opinion of her as an actress, Monster provided a platform for a view into the world of an All-American prostitute/serial killer. And guess what? It’s a pretty goddamned scary view. As an individual that has never ventured into the world of picking up street hookers I can safely say that, while I have no immediate plans to do so, after seeing this film I can guarantee that it is something I will never do… unless she looks like the Charlize Theron from The Devil’s Advocate, in which case all bets are off.

Best line: “People always look down their noses at hookers. Never give you a chance, because they think you took the easy way out, when no one could imagine the willpower it took to do what we do. Walking the streets, night after night, taking the hits and still getting back up.”

 

Diedrich Bader as Lawrence in Office Space

Being from Texas himself, Office Space writer/director Mike Judge didn’t miss a beat in writing and casting the character of Lawrence. From the handlebar stash to the 16 ounce beer can in a koozie, Diedrich Bader’s role was a perfect example of suburban Texas white trash. Sure, he’s no woman beater like Doyle Hargrave but you wouldn’t want to cross him after a few pitchers in a local tavern. His understanding of his place in life is perfectly stated when he declares knowingly that he would need a million dollars to find a couple of girls to double up on “a dude like him” and his obsession with “the breast exam” on channel 9 is about what you would expect from a white trash neighbor like Lawrence. 

Best line: “Tell me about it, man. I gotta wake my ass up at 6:00 a.m. every day this week, drag up to Las Colindas. Yeah, I’m doin’ the drywall up there at the new McDonald’s.”
 

Kurt Russell as Jack Burton in Big Trouble in Little China

The year 1986 was an amazing time for Kurt Russell and white trash characters. In the two movies he was in that were released that year he played Taft High football legend turned custom van painter Reno Hightower in The Best of Times and truck driver turned Lo Pan spirit fighter in John Carpenter’s Big Trouble in Little China. It was tough to choose between the two, but in the end it didn’t really matter. He was equally convincing in both roles and his mullet flowed gracefully across the silver screen in each of the films. However, his work as Jack Burton featured the misplaced arrogance common in real life white trash and so in the end that was what won out. Besides, we had to pick one and it’s like Jack Burton always says, “What the hell.” Right?

Best line: “What does that mean? Huh? ‘China is here.’ I don’t even know what the hell that means. All I know is this Lo Pan character comes out of thin air in the middle of a goddamn alley while his buddies are flying around on wires cutting everybody to shreds, and he just stands there waiting for me to drive my truck straight through him, with light coming out of his mouth!”

 

Courtney Love as Althea Leasure Flynt in The People vs. Larry Flynt

In a role that required very little acting (other than “acting” like her normal self) Courtney Love pulled off the role of Althea Flynt in The People vs. Larry Flynt well enough to earn herself a Golden Globe Nomination for Best Actress. Again, you have to give the casting director a lot of credit for choosing Love to play the runaway stripper that eventually marries smut king Larry Flynt. I’m not sure anyone would have bought Julia Roberts in the role, despite the fact that she had played a hooker before in Pretty Woman. The role wasn’t for a hooker with a heart of gold. It was for a hooker with a heart of cold, bitterness and anger. Even Kurt Cobain would agree, who better for that than Courtney Love?

Best line: “I’ve had an epiphany once, Larry. When my daddy shot my entire family in the head, and I was the only one to identify the bodies, and I was sent to an orphanage full of good Christian nuns who shoved my face into their pussies with their crucifixes on for eight goddamn years!”

 

Christina Ricci as Rae in Black Snake Moan

Christina Ricci’s role as a Tennessee nymphomaniac that uses drugs and bangs anything with a pulse when her National Guard boyfriend gets deployed is nothing more than your average story about the probable consequences of such actions. In her case, the result was a rape attempt turned murder attempt at the hands of her boyfriend’s buddy (appropriately named Gill) followed by the usual dumping of her body on the side of the road only to be discovered by a religious African American bluesman that chains her up in his home and attempt to cure her of her sinful ways. Of course, a Stockholm syndrome of sorts kicks in and she stays on her own free will and in the end confronts her mother about the sexual abuse she suffered as a child and reunites with her boyfriend with whom she goes on to live happily ever after. You know, that same tired old story. 

Best line: “Well if they weren’t you could kiss my rebel coochie, faggot.”

 

Brad Pitt as Early Grayce in Kalifornia

This is another character that joins the perfectly named character club in Brad Pitt’s role as Early Grayce, a white trash fella with a penchant for good times, Lucky Lager and murdering people. In fact, if you consider this list and the white trash roles Hollywood has put out over the years, you’d think that all white trash people do is get wasted and murder each other. I suppose in some ways that’s not too far from the truth, but it does seem a bit exaggerated in the movies. Just the same, Pitt balanced out a sweet year in 1993 with his role as a psycho in this film and in True Romance as the honeybear-bong smoking stoner Floyd showing a range of personalities that would eventually lead to him being better known today by most housewives as the better half of Brangelina.

Best line: “Is it just me, or did this trip go downhill since we ran out of Lucky Lager?”

 

Kevin Gage as Waingro in Heat

If you are part of a tight crew and you are doing a big job that requires skill, precision and discipline, you’d be best to reconsider bringing Waingro along. This was Neil’s fatal mistake in Heat and he paid dearly for it. As for Waingro himself, the role was played flawlessly by Kevin Gage, so much in fact that he probably has a hard time visiting African American hookers in real life for fear that he may notify them that they are visiting with the Grim Reaper. But if that’s the biggest problem Gage has these days he needs to really rethink his priorities because unfortunately for him he hasn’t been able to take his career beyond character-actor status. But nevertheless, he’ll always have his role as Waingro under his belt and we’ll never forget him for that.

Best line: “I am cowboy, looking for anything heavy. Billy Rickets sent me so that is wh I am here.”

 

Billy Bob Thorton as Jacob in A Simple Plan

There was no way we could do this list and not find a place for Billy Bob Thorton. He has made a career out of playing white trash characters and so choosing just one was difficult, but his role as Jacob in A Simple Plan stands out above the rest, probably due to the excellent direction of Sam Raimi. Whatever the reason, you have to believe that a guy that came to Hollywood to be an actor and kept the name Billy Bob would be able to deliver as Jacob and when the time came, he did. He even racked up quite a few Best Supporting Actor awards for his efforts. Oh, and in another achievement that was no small task, he also was banging Angelina Jolie quite a bit around that time. Unfortunately for him it seems that Billy Bobjelina didn’t have enough of a ring to it for things to work out.

Best line: “Yeah, in my wildest f*ckin’ dreams a Trans-Am!”

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10 Fake But Memorable Movie Websites http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-fake-but-memorable-movie-websites/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-fake-but-memorable-movie-websites/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Middle Men, hitting theaters Friday, is the tale of Jack Harris (played by Luke Wilson) who has a successful career fixing problem companies. He meets Wayne Beering (Giovanni Ribisi) and Buck Dolby (Gabriel Macht), who've invented a way for adult entertainment to be sold over the internet. Based on a true story, I'm sure they won't go as far as to mention the actual name of the website. It will probably be something close to the actual website URL but funnier for movie fans. The internet has a played a part in the plot of countless movies. In some cases it's a brief mention that just moves the story along but in others it's a main focus that actually drives the storyline. Here are ten movies that use fake websites. Some of the website names might be even more popular than the actual movie.

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Middle Men, hitting theaters Friday, is the tale of Jack Harris (played by Luke Wilson) who has a successful career fixing problem companies. He meets Wayne Beering (Giovanni Ribisi) and Buck Dolby (Gabriel Macht), who’ve invented a way for adult entertainment to be sold over the internet. Based on a true story, I’m sure they won’t go as far as to mention the actual name of the website. It will probably be something close to the actual website URL but funnier for movie fans.

The internet has a played a part in the plot of countless movies. In some cases it’s a brief mention that just moves the story along but in others it’s a main focus that actually drives the storyline. Here are ten movies that use fake websites. Some of the website names might be even more popular than the actual movie.

FleshoftheStars.com from Knocked-Up

From the moment it becomes obvious what Ben and his friends are up to with all their movie watching for moments of celebs naked, the audience has a good chuckle because there really is such a website called Mr. Skin. When the guys are finally let in on one of the worst kept secrets in the world (someone beat them to it) it’s even funnier because the website would exist in the one place it’s fine to have one (or even a thousand knock-offs) and no one would care or notice. Ask any perv that spends his late nights browsing for naked screenshots of Alyssa Milano if he cares which website has such a collection, he probably will be too "busy" to answer. I’ll answer for him; he doesn’t care. Flesh of the Stars could make just as much money, it’s all about the dedication of the staff. Looking back at said staff (Jason Segal, Rogen, Jonah Hill and Jay Baruchel) that website is never making it past beta.

In Real Life: Fleshofthestars.com does exist, and in a smart business move, it points to MrSkin.com.  

 

CyberNanny.com from 40 Days and 40 Nights

"Some days I think that if I have to look at another blowjob I’ll scream." –Erica on her job as a Cyber Nanny. It’s funny to think that people have an actual job like surfing the web all day and blocking porn websites so kids can’t find them. It’s also funny to think people have a job that entails creating porn websites all day long. Bet this isn’t how they imagined life turning out back in high school. While there are websites that do block kids from internet smut, the idea was ahead of its time.

In Real Life: Cybernanny.com is for sale and they are only interested in serious offers. I’d love to hear about some of the not so serious inquires they’ve received from people.

 

Vag-tasticVoyage.com from Superbad

"Hey, man, I was doing some research for next year and I think I figured out which website I wanna subscribe to. The Vag-Tastic Voyage."– Seth. The name is funny for two reasons; first, it just is. Period. Vag-Tastic Voyage is a clever porn website name. Kick in the fact I’ve made up my mind it somehow involves Coolio and that takes it over the edge. Secondly, every guy knows this name convention fits in perfectly with actual website names that specialize in porn. Captain Stabbin or Bang Bros anyone? Put your hands down. It must really be a top notch website for Seth to pick it above all others, real or fictional.

In Real Life: Vagtasticvoyage.com sadly points to the official movie website for Superbad. Just gonna put that Jergens right back under the sink.

 

MoviePoopShoot.com from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

The scene really says it all.  Obviously websites like Movie Poop Shoot do exist and Kevin Smith had been blasted on them so why not poke fun back. Double points for Affleck poking fun at himself.

In Real Life: Moviepoopshoot.com points to a website called Fred. It’s actually a pretty entertaining website. I recommend the interview section. 

 

BuyNLarge.com from Wall-E

Ironic that Disney is behind a movie touting one huge corporation controlling the world. It might not have a stake in everything but it’s slowing getting its gloved mouse paws on most of the entertainment world. The idea behind Buy N Large is going to happen some day. One massive "mega-corporation" that controls every facet of our lives. Maybe that isn’t as funny as it sounds. The website itself was humorous with press releases like "BnL Annual Report: The musical released" and "Wisconsin Mall Granted City Status." If it ever gets to that point, people like yours truly will be out of a job, thanks to the fact that the world would really only need one website for everything, and you better believe I wouldn’t make the editorial team.

In Real Life:
The BnL website is still up and running but the mail link points to the Disney Pixar website.
 

DiaperRush.com from A Lot Like Love

Well, first it’s funny that any Ashton Kutcher movie makes a list that doesn’t involve the words "sucks" or "die," but the premise behind the website is humorous, especially if you’re a parent. The number of diapers a baby goes through in a day is obscene. God forbid you leave the house without back-ups. I’d probably be interested in a website that offered this service. It would also be helpful if they took the baby off my hands for a good 8-10 hours a day. My awesome blogs don’t write themselves, I could use the extra time to work on them.

In Real Life: Diaperrush.com points to a parked website linking out to baby accessories. Looks like someone besides me did watch this movie.

 

SouthHarmonInstituteofTechnology from Accepted

Anyone that has applied to college remembers the hassle. Then when you finally decided, it was almost a competition with other classmates. You’re going where? Never heard of it. Chances are they’ve never heard of the majority of colleges and universities across the US. That’s what makes South Harmon Institute of Technology such a great idea. An even better idea than actual college.

In Real Life: Not sure of the actual URL from the movie, I checked southharmoninstituteoftechnology.com, and it was purchased. Of course it was. Also, don’t check out shit.com That’s not the movie website either. You’ve been warned.

 

WheelieBlog.org from Clerks 2

Kevin Smith once again working the internet into his films. Funny only because it’s fictional. If a guy really had nothing better to do with his life then make fun of a man in a wheelchair, then, well he’d be the perfect character in a Kevin Smith movie. Sadly, people like this probably exist.

In Real Life: Wheelieblog.org isn’t working, which is surprising, considering Smith’s love of the internet and other people’s love of buying URL’s mentioned in movies.

 

KillWithMe.com from Untraceable

This is what makes this movie so damn scary; the idea that if thousands upon thousands of people are told not to do something, obviously, they will do it. If this website did indeed exist, you know people would click it out of morbid curiosity. Hell, I would at least once. Even if it meant someone might die. Don’t look at my copy like that. Whatever, YOU’RE the bad person.

In Real Life: Killwithme.com actually works and looks exactly like it did in the movie. Don’t ask me what it does, I was too damn scared to click through. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.

 

Lougle from hot tub time machine

Who wouldn’t love to go back in time and take credit for inventing some of the most popular websites in the world. It’s a better idea than Biff and the sports betting scheme in Back To The Future 2. While I couldn’t find a clip of Lou (played by Rob Corddry) inventing Lougle (his own personally named search engine–very similar to what we all know as Google) here is a great clip of Lou’s other big claim to fame. Lead singer of the band Motley Lue.

In Real Life: Lougle.com points to a personal Flickr account from a user named Lougle. It consists of several hundred pictures of landscapes. I only wish I could find hot tub time machine to go back to the moments before I clicked on the website and stop myself from wasting an hour looking at some random dude’s pictures.

Chris Illuminati is a new dad. He has nothing better to do but watch movies and blog. Check out his other work HERE.

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10 Underrated Movie Dream Sequences http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-underrated-movie-dream-sequences/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-underrated-movie-dream-sequences/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Christopher Nolan’s Inception is released this Friday, and despite the publicity, I could not tell you its plot to save my life. I hear it is about Cobb (Leo Di Caprio) who is able to invade people’s dreams. So, it sounds a lot like the Nightmare on Elm Street series, without the puns. Also, if I am to believe the trailers, most people in the future dream about cities folding up on themselves. If that’s the case, my dreams about becoming a half-cat/half-man driving an ice cream truck should protect me from psyche-criminals. Here are a few of my favorite dream sequences that are generally forgotten about (or undervalued).   

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Christopher Nolan’s Inception is released this Friday, and despite the publicity, I could not tell you its plot to save my life. I hear it is about Cobb (Leo Di Caprio) who is able to invade people’s dreams. So, it sounds a lot like the Nightmare on Elm Street series, without the puns.

Also, in I am to believe the trailers, most people in the future dream about cities folding up on themselves. If that’s the case, my dreams about becoming a half-cat/half-man driving an ice cream truck should protect me from psyche-criminals.

Here are a few of my favorite dream sequences that are generally forgotten about (or undervalued).  

 

The Lair of the White Worm (1988)

 
The Lair of the White Worm Dream Sequence – Watch more Funny Videos

Ken Russell’s cult classic Lair of the White Worm has everything you need for a good Hugh Grant flick – curses, monsters, archaeology, and dream sequences. This sequence epitomizes the dream state with its sexy cat fights, blatant subtext, and a lot of people tied up for no reason.

 

Earth Girls Are Easy (1988)

 
Earth Girls are Easy Dream Sequence – Watch more Funny Videos

After starring together in The Fly and Transylvania 6-5000, it was no wonder that genius Hollywood producers paired the white-hot tandem of Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis in the “too good to win an award” vehicle Earth Girls Are Easy. Goldblum perfects furry extra-terrestrial Mac – a spaceship pilot unable to avoid that celestial telephone pole known as Earth. Of course, he fatedly lands in the pool of ditzy Californian Valerie (Davis) and reveals that he’s a Goldblum-esque hunk under all that shag. What ensues, in a moment of post-coitus slumber is the fanfare of Valerie’s overly developed brain for pop culture.

 

Rushmore (1998)

 

In a dream perfectly indicative of Max Bloom’s (Jason Schwartzman) character, the unanswerable math question is no match for our overachieving underachiever. His own subconscious continually reminds him of how much greater he is than he actually is, and it’s one of the best opening scenes to let us in on Max’s persona. 

 

Alfred Hitchcock’s Spellbound (1945)

 

Alfred Hitchcock remains the king of suspense and is no stranger to the dream sequence. Perhaps more known than this scene is the trippy path Jimmy Stewart takes in Vertigo. Spellbound, however, continues to be undervalued as a film. And as it deals largely with the subconscious, it’s dream set piece is played out beautifully, thanks to the design of surrealist Salvador Dalí.

 

Better Off Dead… (1985)

 

John Cusack’s Lane Meyer has finally been driven mad by his entry level job as a short order cook at Pig Burgers. And like most people driven mad, he hallucinates anthropomorphic hamburgers singing Van Halen songs. If you’ve experienced this, consult your physician.

 

Raising Arizona (1987)

 

The Coen brothers’ dark comedy takes on kidnapping, inter-criminal relations, and Nic Cage wearing pantyhose on his head. So, it’s no surprise that when they needed their “Lone Biker of the Apocalypse,” they called on character actor Randall “Tex” Cobb to play the shotgun-wielding, grenade-slinging hulk. Because, really, what movie about babies doesn’t have grenades in it?

 

Pal Joey (1957)

 

One of Sinatra’s finer works, although it’s largely forgotten in his huge body of work. Here, Frank waxes poetic number about dames at the end of the courtship Old Blue Eyes casts on Vera (Rita Hayworth). Thankfully, Frank and director George Sidney saw it fit to include both Hayworth and Kim Novak in skintight leotards – something I can relate to in my own dreams.

 

Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure (1985)

 

Okay, so everyone can recite lines from this flick. In fact, if you grew up at anytime in the 1980s, you are required to have seen this movie at least twice. But, one of the more under-appreciated scenes is Pee-Wee’s clown hospital dream. Legend has it that Tim Burton was concerned about the mainly humorous tones of the movie and used this scene to shed light on one of the greatest epidemics of our generation – Coulrophobia.

 

Fletch (1985)

 

This movie took place during the era when Chevy Chase was still a star, so it was popular at the time. Of course, nowadays, the youngsters don’t know Chevy that well ("Community" doesn’t really have lion’s share of ratings). In Fletch, Chevy plays the ego-driven titular character, who while solving crimes (as a journalist, no doubt), he idealizes himself to be quite the basketball star, and the anchor of the Laker lineup that includes Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. He’s what Reggie Evans would be, if Evans had offensive polish.  

 

Living in Oblivion (1995)

 

Okay, so this is a bit of cop out. This scene is about making a dream sequence (on an indie budget). But it also stars some heavy-hitters – Steve Buscemi, Catherine Keener, and it-actor Peter Dinklage. It is one of the more important scenes in dealing with a tendency to lump dwarves into movie dreams, which may, or may not, be a direct shot at dream sequence auteur David Lynch. I’m sure Lynch retaliated, but no one understood it.

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Rapper-Actor Battle http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/rapper-actor-battle/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/rapper-actor-battle/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Rappers have wanted to be jumped into the acting game ever since they rocked a mic. Some bring the pain and depth, others not so much. We decided to take a look at a few rappers-turned-actors and put them head-to-head to see who’s got mad skills, and who gets schooled.Eminem vs. 50 CentEminemMovies of Note: 8 Mile, uncredited role in The Wash

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Rappers have wanted to be jumped into the acting game ever since they rocked a mic. Some bring the pain and depth, others not so much. We decided to take a look at a few rappers-turned-actors and put them head-to-head to see who’s got mad skills, and who gets schooled.

Eminem vs. 50 Cent

Eminem

Movies of Note: 8 Mile, uncredited role in The Wash

Marshall Mathers made the leap into feature films in 2002 essentially playing a version of himself. Whether he was acting or just being Eminem, he received pretty great reviews and Hollywood was branding him the next great thesp…or at least a rapper who had the acting chops to stay in the game. He had performed sketch-y comedy before, but Slim Shady isn’t going to attract any attention from uppity movie reviewer types.

Closing Line: As B Rabbit (from 8 Mile): “I’m gonna turn around with a great smile, and walk my white ass back across 8 Mile!”

50 Cent

Movies of Note: Get Rich or Die Tryin’, Home of the Brave, Righteous Kill, Streets of Blood, Twelve

Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson, Eminem’s protegé, was a great story from the start. Seriously, any guy that can take nine bullets and shrug it off is a great story in the making. He had a couple of hits, but when it was announced he was following in Eminem’s footsteps and playing a based-on version of himself, people groaned. I certainly did. But he’s kept at it and improved (slightly) with every cinematic outing.

Closing Line: As Marcus (from Get Rich or Die Tryin’): “Show no love. Love will get you killed.”

New Material: Eminem has two movies in unknown stages of development and they have been there for a while. 50 Cent has several films in the works, including the one where he dropped around 50 pounds to play a dying football player, which was a shocking before-and-after photo to see. He is also writing and producing some of his projects.

Winner: 50 Cent. Eminem may be a better actor, but he hasn’t shown us enough to prove it. Plus, 50 Cent can take nine bullets. The student becomes the teacher.

 

Will Smith vs. Busta Rhymes

Will Smith

Movies of Note: Bad Boys I & II, iRobot, Hancock, The Pursuit of Happyness, Independence Day, Men in Black I & II, Hitch, Ali, etc.

He’s pretty much the biggest box office draw in the world, so the Fresh Prince with his semi-clean rhymes has done okay for himself. No one would have predicted that he would go on to do a successful sitcom like he did. Then no one who saw that sitcom would have ever predicted he would go on to become one of the most successful movie stars of all time. Magnetic personally, yes, but good actor? He has certainly developed into one.

Closing Line: As Agent J (from Men in Black II): “Am I supposed to take advice on love from a dude that chases his own ass?”

Busta Rhymes

Movies of Note: Halloween: Resurrection, Narc, Higher Learning, Shaft, Finding Forrester

Busta actually showed some early promise and turned his rap personality into some decent roles. And he wasn’t pounded too much by the critics. Then it appears movie bosses got wise and realized that he was playing the same character most of the time and Busta had pretty much lost his semi-mass appeal — and thus, there went his ace in the hole. The roles dried up, quickly squashing his acting career.

Closing Line: As Freddie Harris (from Halloween: Resurrection): “Let the dangertainment begin! Up in this motherf*cker!”

New Material: Will Smith has 30 projects in development — yes, 30 — including Men in Black III, which is finally coming together, and Independence Day II & III. Busta has one in which he plays a character named "Lick." So…not the same.

Winner: Do I even need to say who wins this matchup? Will Smith by a monster landslide.

 

Tupac vs. DMX

Tupac

Movies of Note: Juice, Poetic Justice, Bullet, Gridlock’d, Gang Related

Tupac Shakur is one of those artists who kept getting movies and music released well after his death in 1996. He was popular and well-known before he was killed, but become wildly popular after. Tupac was quite a good actor and was really hitting his stride when tragedy struck. He would have certainly been in the running for some prime roles, and would likely be one of the top rappers-turned-actors working today.

Closing Line: As Det. Rodriguez (from Gang Related): “I can make your life miserable, that’s what I can do.”

DMX

Movies of Note: Belly, Exit Wounds, Cradle 2 the Grave, Never Die Alone, Death Toll, Romeo Must Die

Belly wasn’t a particularly good movie, but it had some cool music video cinematography and DMX was menacing enough to make people think he was going to develop into a good actor. Instead, he just continued growling his way through Jet Li and Steven Seagal movies. Oh, and trying his best to self-destruct. The arrests and drugs will get you there…but so will semi-retiring from rap in order to become a minister. While in-and-out of prison.

Closing Line: As Fait (from Cradle 2 the Grave): “What are you, some kind of kung fu James Bond?”

New Material: Tupac wrote a screenplay well before he died that is rumored to be in preproduction. DMX is slated to do nothing in the near future. Except maybe jail time.

Winner: Tupac. DMX can bark better, but Tupac can act better.

 

LL Cool J vs. Ludacris

LL Cool J

Movies of Note: Any Given Sunday, S.W.A.T., Caught Up, Deep Blue Sea, Halloween H2O, Deliver Us From Eva, Last Holiday

It’s hard not to like Ladies Love Cool James. He seems like a nice dude and despite being physically superior to 98% of us, he’s still one of the dudes. And he’s done a few movies that are guilty pleasures. Is he a good actor? Well, if having a wide range of emotion that you can tap into means you are a good actor, then LL Cool J might not be one. Just yet.

Closing Line: As Preacher (from Deep Blue Sea): “Like black men don’t have enough ways to get killed without climbing up some stupid ass mountain in the middle of God’s nowhere! You leave that to the white folks! Brother!”

Ludacris

Movies of Note: 2 Fast 2 Furious, Crash, Hustle & Flow, Fred Claus, RocknRolla, Max Payne, Gamer

Chris “Ludacris” Bridges was awful in 2 Fast 2 Furious, but he was just playing along with everyone else. Then Crash came along, followed by Hustle & Flow. The guy could actually turn in a performance worth watching on screen. Who knew?! He’s started working on some bigger budget stuff now, and all of them will certainly turn out better than the second installment of Vin Diesel’s car racing franchise. Most things do.

Closing Line: As Mickey (from RocknRolla): “My hat is deep and full of magic. I got rabbits, handkerchiefs, and ladies of the pole drinking Black Label. I got smoke machines, bubble machines, I even got love marines, and still the hat goes deeper. All right? But there AIN’T no mothaf*ckin’ dry ice!”

New Material: LL Cool J has been busy on his show “NCIS: Los Angeles” for the past two seasons and Ludacris doesn’t have anything pressing right now.

Winner: This one was a tight battle, but Ludacris could beat most anyone with his line from RocknRolla. I have no idea WTF he’s talking about, but I’m intrigued.

 

Ice Cube vs. Ice-T

Ice Cube

Movies of Note: The Friday movies, The Glass Shield, Anaconda, Three Kings, Barbershop, Are We There Yet?, XXX: State of the Union

Ice Cube has built a nice little empire for himself over the years. He has three film franchises under his belt and was in a fourth when he filled in for Vin Diesel in XXX: State of the Union. His Friday franchise has some funny moments, but no one would ever claim Ice Cube is a very versatile comedian. And he’s not known for his dramatic roles…so that doesn’t give him much ammo.

Closing Line: As Craig (from Next Friday): “Look, we cousins and everything, but don’t be hooking me up with the little sister that’s bigger than the big sister!”

Ice-T

Movies of Note: Trespass, New Jack City, Ricochet, Surviving the Game, Tank Girl, Mean Guns, Leprechaun in the Hood, TV Series “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”

Ice-T has a long list of movies spanning three decades and also spent ten seasons on one of the “Law & Order” spin-offs. He’s probably known better to some people as that guy who did the “Cop Killer” song a long time ago because his movie projects haven’t exactly kept him in the limelight. That’s maybe because a lot of his films fly under the B-movie radar. He always portrays his characters as tough street talking dudes — regardless if they are cops, gangsters, or doctors.

Closing Line: As Jack Mason (from Surviving the Game): “Bang. Game over.”

New Material: Ice Cube has seven films in the works and two TV series he’s producing. Ice-T has two movies he produced due out soon. Or say the Internet says…

Winner:
Ice Cube, because I had to choose one.

 

Marky Mark vs. Master P

Marky Mark

Movies of Note: Fear, Boogie Nights, The Departed, Shooter, The Italian Job, We Own the Night, The Yards, Invincible, Planet of the Apes, The Perfect Storm

Mark Wahlberg always seems to hate his Funky Bunch roots when asked about it in interviews, but that is what put him on the map so he should embrace it. His first few film roles only showcased him as a whispery-voiced dude with ripped abs, but he’s found some range since then and even got nominated for an Oscar for his role in The Departed. The guy is a top star these days, but it would still be hilarious to hear a new album from him. Maybe that’s why he won’t do it.

Closing Line: As Dirk Diggler (from Boogie Nights): “I know f*cking karate.”

Master P

Movies of Note: I Got the Hook Up, Hot Boyz, Foolish, Dark Blue, Hollywood Homicide, Uncle P, The Mail Man

He’s worth like a trillion dollars from producing, owning a clothing line, basketball, and who knows what else. He also released some successful rap albums and then decided to start financing his own movies…in which he wrote and directed some of them and starred in all of them. So obviously the quality is stellar.

Closing Line: As Black (from I Got the Hook Up): “You know, you can’t get it up like you used to.”

New Material: Mark Wahlberg has a bunch of projects he’s either producing or starring in soon, including The Other Guys alongside Will Ferrell. Master P is busy writing his next gem. Spare us.

Winner: Marky Mark. He’s got one more Oscar nomination than Master P.

 

Mos Def vs. Snoop Dog

Mos Def

Movies of Note: The Italian Job, Something the Lord Made, Monster’s Ball, Brown Sugar, The Woodsman, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Be Kind Rewind, Cadillac Records

Mos Def is an interesting artist. He has never chosen any typical rap direction and delves into poetry, sidewalk paintings, and other eclectic projects. The films he has picked are also not typical fare for a rapper trying to make his mark in the film game. He has already worked with acclaimed filmmakers and in award-winning projects, so whatever plan he has devised seems to be working. He’s not afraid of smaller supporting roles and when he chooses a big budget film, I’m almost positive I’m going to enjoy it.

Closing Line: As Left Ear (from The Italian Job): “We’re in Italy. Speak English.”

Snoop Dogg
Movies of Note: Caught Up, Hot Boyz, Whiteboyz, The Eastsidaz, Baby Boy, Training Day, Bones, Starsky & Hutch, Soul Plane, The Tenants, Down for Life

It was just a few years ago that we all knew Snoop was going to start working his way into acting after a few successful tracks. Well, ‘working’ might be an exaggeration. He sort of just ‘did’ the acting thing. It’s not that I want him to fail at it, but his low-key raps that lack any sort of charisma don’t give me strong hope that he would turn it up on the screen. And he hasn’t. He does a lot of sneering and can be a little too laid back when performing in a comedy. That adds up to…would "boring" be the industry term?

Closing Line: As Huggy Bear (from Starsky & Hutch): “There used to be a time around here when you peed on the wall, you did it outside.”

New Material: Both Mos and Snoop have projects in the works. Snoop has one called Coach Snoop. Mos Def is being directed by William H. Macy in Keep Coming Back.

Winner: Mos Def. The guy is truly a great actor, and rapper.

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13 Memorable Movie Hookers http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/13-memorable-movie-hookers/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/13-memorable-movie-hookers/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Everyone loves a dead hooker. Everyone loves a live hooker for that matter. “Makin money the hard way” is one of the mankind’s oldest professions. And though it’s not necessarily something you hope for your children to aspire to, it’s always been a relevant topic in societal discussion.With Love Ranch opening this week, it seems only appropriate that we take a look at a few memorable Hollywood hookers who never fail to get us off:Vivian Ward - Pretty Woman

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Everyone loves a dead hooker. Everyone loves a live hooker for that matter. “Makin money the hard way” is one of the mankind’s oldest professions. And though it’s not necessarily something you hope for your children to aspire to, it’s always been a relevant topic in societal discussion.

With Love Ranch opening this week, it seems only appropriate that we take a look at a few memorable Hollywood hookers who never fail to get us off:

Vivian Ward – Pretty Woman

Every year, thousands of girls flock to L.A. with dreams of stardom. Many end up starring in videos involving mistaken identity and adulterous wives produced in The Valley. Others take inspiration from Vivan Ward and stroll down Rodeo Blvd with the hopes of “giving directions” to wealthy businessmen that look like Richard Gere. Neither usually have much luck with making it big.

 

Strawberry Alice – Unforgiven

The pic isn’t from Unforgiven, but she looks whorish enough. Back in the day, it wasn’t considered acceptable to ask your service-woman to wear a paper bag if you didn’t like her face. So when one of Strawberry Alice’s employees gets cut up, she has no choice but to enlist the services of BAMF Clint Eastwood to teach the ungrateful customers some manners.

 

Holly Golightly – Breakfast at Tiffany’s

In 1961, you couldn’t exactly show Hepburn turning tricks on the street. So she’s cleverly disguised as a gold-digger and “call-girl.” And with her famous image screened onto everything from coffee mugs to Ikea paintings, she might just be the most revered hooker in cinematic history.

 

Nola and Shug – Hustle & Flow

In one of the most hard-edged depictions of a vastly over-glorified profession, Craig Brewer’s Hustle & Flow gave us an alternative glance at how “everybody gotta have a dream.” D-Jay was lucky too because he had not one, but a pair of women supporting him. And they proved that though it may be “hard out here for a pimp,” being a hoe isn’t any easier.

 

Jill McBain – Once Upon a Time In the West

I’d just like start off here by pointing out that Claudia Cardinale might be one of the 10 most beautiful women to ever grace the silver screen. In Once Upon a Time In the West, Cardinale plays widowed Jill McBain who, even after moving far away from N’awlins, can’t seem to escape her past (though she doesn’t really care to for that matter).

 

Diana Murphy – Indecent Proposal

Everyone knows you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife. So why would you EVER turn your housewife into a hoe? Given that it’s Robert Redford, selling your wife for a night seems logical especially if you’re getting a million dollars in return. However, I would normally say that this is a good example of how NOT to run your marriage.

 

Joe Buck – Midnight Cowboy

It’s no wonder that Angelna Jolie has some major issues (i.e. her marriage to Billy Bob Thornton) considering her own father is most famous for playing a gigolo. Other than Jesus, Voight’s probably the only other individual that gets to be a prostitute and a Pope in the same life-span. And there’s little doubt in my mind that he can still clean up at the cougar bars. Little-known fact: Midnight Cowboy was the first and only film to win an Oscar with an X rating.

 

Inara – Serenity

We’re told that “companionship” is a prestigious occupation in Joss Whedon’s 26th century. In fact, Inara seems to be the only crew member onboard Serenity that maintains a legit career. It still doesn’t make her immune to ridicule and she’s constantly reminded by Captain Reynolds that just because she can bring her own hotel don’t mean she ain’t still a hoe.

 

Jenny Everdeane – Gangs of New York

As brilliant as Scorsese is, trying to get an Irish accent out of Cameron Diaz was a far stretch for even him. While Jenny may not have said that she used to be a hooker, getting to shack up with Bill the Butcher sure wasn’t free. Combine that with a hot abortion scar and getting down with Leo in a brothel, and you have all the makings of a harlot.

 

Mary Kelly – From Hell

Jack the Ripper had a thing for prostitutes. The Hughe Brothers seem to enjoy the subject as well (Book of Eli, American Pimp). Heather Graham, with an accent rivaling Diaz’s in Gangs, always seems to make easy work in roles involving adult entertainment (The Hangover, Boogie Nights). Match made in heaven!

 

Goldie/Wendy/The Old Town Girls – Sin City

Probably the only instance where you’ll see a hookers union complete with medical benefits. And if you try to get rough with these girls, Devon Aoki’s gonna come smoke yo’ ass.

 

Chelsea – The Girlfriend Experience

Adult actress Sasha Grey had the good fortune of becoming one of Soderbergh’s pet projects and now appears to be crossing over with roles such as Vinny Chase’s new girlfriend in this season of "Entourage." Though not the most revolutionary film, Experience provides us with an intriguing glance at a contemporary entrepreneurial escort as she tries to juggle her home relationship with her career aspirations.

 

Iris – Taxi Driver

You thought this list would end without Foster, didn’t you? With Taxi Driver considered by many to be Scorsese’s masterpiece (I heartily disagree), it would be wrong to leave her off. Though I always wonder why she went back to her parents. There’s a pretty good chance that something went on at home to put her on the streets in the first place. I sense a daddy-issues filled future for Iris.

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10 Best Rock Star Film Performances http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-best-rock-star-film-performances/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-best-rock-star-film-performances/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 We all wanted to grow up to be rock stars. And apparently rock stars wanted to grow up to be in the movies. Some embarrass themselves and decide against quitting their day job. But others actually aren’t half bad at the whole acting thing. There are many performances to choose from, but we decided to make matters easy for you and focus on ten of the top rock star performances on screen. Jared Leto - Requiem for a Dream

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We all wanted to grow up to be rock stars. And apparently rock stars wanted to grow up to be in the movies. Some embarrass themselves and decide against quitting their day job. But others actually aren’t half bad at the whole acting thing. There are many performances to choose from, but we decided to make matters easy for you and focus on ten of the top rock star performances on screen.

Jared Leto – Requiem for a Dream

Leto became a well-known rock star after he made his name in film, but he’s always been a music guy, so he makes the list. He recently gained 62 pounds to play Mark David Chapman in Chapter 27 — and was quite good — but it’s his role in Requiem for a Dream that is his best. He plays a young guy who loses it all (money, love, arm) due to his severe drug addiction. His portrayal of Harry as an incompetent man, but one with potential, on the road to destruction was tough to watch. In a good way.

Other Roles of Note: Prefontaine, Panic Room, Chapter 27

 

Courtney Love – The People vs. Larry Flynt

Okay, we all watched the train wreck that used to be Courntey Love through the years, so maybe it wasn’t a stretch to believe her as a woman who had a good portion of drugs a few times a day, then got AIDs and basically went crazy before she drowned at home. She was a good choice for the role because she’s Courtney Love, but most impressive was her command of the intimate moments between she and Larry (Woody Harrelson) and showing the other side of Althea Flynt. It even grabbed her a Golden Globe nomination.

Other Roles of Note: Sid and Nancy, Basquiat, 200 Cigarettes, Trapped

 

Screamin’ Jay Hawkins – Mystery Train

Known best for his song, “I Put a Spell on You,” Screamin’ Jay Hawkins was actually such a character himself that it translated into solid performances on screen. His Hotel Night Manager role in Jim Jarmusch’s Mystery Train is his best. Hawkins was cool, weird, and offbeat, just like the film itself. He brought his style to the role and did the same in other films. If he were still around, we’d show up to see him still chew some scenery, preferably while wearing leopard print.

Other Roles of Note: Perdita Durango, Peut-être, A Rage in Harlem

 

David Bowie – Labyrinth

Bowie was a music legend. Jim Hensen was the legend behind The Muppets. Joining those two elements was simply awesome. This was supposed to be a kids’ film, but it was way better — and so was Bowie. He was funny, but menacing. Even his graceful movements were part of his character — as was that wig on his dome. Whether you like him or not, I don’t know of anyone that has ever said a bad thing about his performance as the Goblin King in this movie.

Other Roles of Note: The Prestige, The Last Temptation of Christ, August

 

John Mellencamp – Falling from Grace

John “No Longer Cougar” Mellencamp’s only fault is that he doesn’t accept enough roles. Because when he does, he turns in good performances. Falling from Grace is his best performance, and he also directed himself in the film. He is perfect for the role of a music star returning to his small Indiana hometown to meet up with old friends, an ex-love and deal with his wife.

Other Roles of Note: After Image, Lone Star State of Mind

 

Bob Dylan – Hearts of Fire

This film is poor and the script is silly. For Dylan to be able to do what he did with those restrictions shows you how good he was. He was suave and charming as the loner former rock star and he was especially great in the scenes where he was interacting with his pretty new protegée and trying to keep her love for himself after she meets a new up-and-coming stud. I’m not saying Bob Dylan is an actor with great range. I’m saying he was quite good in this and he singlehandedly makes this movie a guilty pleasure.

Other Roles of Note: Renaldo and Clara, Masked and Anonymous

 

Meat Loaf – Fight Club

You gotta love Meal Loaf. He was large and sweaty in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but knew how to make the most of his screen time. I’ve always enjoyed his small supporting roles over the years and then I saw Fight Club. And he was fantastic. Not only was the movie great, but Meat Loaf as Bob "His name was Robert Paulson," the weepy teddy bear with enormous man boobs, is even better. He provides some of the film’s very minimal comedic relief and you can’t help but feel sorry for him — yet you still have to laugh at him.

Other Roles of Note: Focus, Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny, The Salton Sea

 

Tina Turner – Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

Talk about a rock star that rarely acts, but when she does, she’s sexy and spellbinding. Tina Turner’s role in Mad Max as the ruler “Auntie Entity” was filled with the kind of passion she puts into her music every time she’s on stage. This is one of those roles where you truly believe she is that person — and for someone that had only acted twice before (once in just a cameo) — that is no small feat. From the moment she is on screen your eyes can’t deviate, and not just because of her revealing outfit. Those legs. My God, those legs.

Other Roles of Note: Last Action Hero, Tommy

 

Dee Snider – Strangeland

Dee Snider is actually a very intelligent and well-spoken man who has voice his opinion on Capitol Hill about censorship and the whole Napster debacle. But his Twisted Sister persona has been nothing like that. And then he did Strangeland and changed our perception of him again. He wrote the script — which kind of fell apart somewhere along the way — and produced the movie, which is about a sicko that lures victims by using online chat rooms. And Snider plays the sicko. Does he ever. “Capt. Howdy” is his online name and he’s a twisted dude who sneers and snarls his way through murder and torture. Normally we wouldn’t think much of a Dee Snider performance on film, but if you like horror movies and demented villains, you will see why his performance belongs here.

Other Roles of Note: Deepwater, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure

 

Henry Rollins – Johnny Mnemonic

Henry Rollins has been acting about as long as he has been belting out his brand of rock and he has turned in some good performances over the years. He usually plays a meathead type — given that he’s built like a pitbull — so when I saw his role in Johnny Mnemonic, I knew he had more range then he’s sometimes allowed to show. A angry techie, futuristic nerd, he was recognizable, but not the usual angst-ridden Henry Rollins. He still had the anger, but it was something more personal and not just being pissed off because of the roids pumping through his veins.

Other Roles of Note: Heat, Feast, “Sons of Anarchy”

 

Honorable Mention:

Steve Van Zandt – "The Sopranos"

We’ve been watching Steve Van Zandt on stage with Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band for seemingly a gazillion years. And to be honest, we didn’t recognize who he was when we first saw Silvio Dante on “The Sopranos." Maybe partly because Van Zandt wears a bandana 24/7 and we’d never seen him in a suit, while Silvio is never without a suit and has a permanent grimace on his face to go with his pompadour.

Spoiler Alert!

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7 Memorable Reunion Movies http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/7-memorable-reunion-movies/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/7-memorable-reunion-movies/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 In Grown Ups, a group of childhood friends get back together as adults for a 4th of July weekend of misbehaver and fun. Most members of movie reunions are bound together by death, marriage, and the inevitable high school get-together. The films contain performances by then little or unknown actors and give us soundtracks of a generation. Like an old LP record played over and over again, the premises might wear thin over time but still get stuck in our heads. Here are your the top 7 cinematic reunions in honor of Return of Secaucus 7, the film that started it all for seminal reunion flicks.THE BIG CHILL

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In Grown Ups, a group of childhood friends get back together as adults for a 4th of July weekend of misbehaver and fun. Most members of movie reunions are bound together by death, marriage, and the inevitabl high school get-together. The films contain performances by then little on unknown actors and give us soundtracks of a generation. Like an old LP record played over and over again, the premises might wear thin over time but still get stuck in our heads. Here are your the top 7 cinematic reunions in honor of Return of Secaucus 7, the film that started it all for seminal reunion flicks.

THE BIG CHILL

The ultimate before they were all rich and famous reunion movie, even the dead body was played by a then unknown Kevin Costner. The soundtrack has plenty of soul and doo-wop power to help you get through its more melodramatic moments. If dancing to "I Heard It Through The Grapevine" in a kitchen was cool, these characters would so have their own reality show.

 

THE WOOD

This semi-sweet MTV movie divides its story between the lives of three best friends growing up in 1980s Inglewood and the marriage day for one of them. Omar Epps, Richard T. Jones, and Taye Diggs were a trio of unknown African-American stage actors when this movie became a sleeper hit of 1999. The best of the best in the best friend wedding movies that came out around the late 90s.

 

GROSSE POINT BLANK

Its never easy returning home, especially if you’re a trained killer out to do one last job. John Cusack stars as Martin Q. Blank, a hitman in the fit of an existential crisis returning home to face old sweethearts, burned-out friends, crooked FBI agents, and a team of organized hitman. The madcap fun is kept under control by Cusack’s cool tone and swagger, while Dan Aykroyd adds a lot of the humor between the bullets. Classic 80s tunes from The Violent Femmes, Elvis Costello, and Joe Strummer put the final touches on this dark comedy reunion movie.

 

GARDEN STATE

Writer/Director/Producer/Star Zac Braff guided by a hipster soundtrack led by The Shins and Nick Drake brings out a somber piece about returning home and dealing with life’s skeletons. Braff is helped with charming performances by Natalie Portman and Peter Sarsgaard, all creating a fine mix of touching comedy and drama.

 

RETURN OF THE SECAUCUS SEVEN

The little indie film that started it all for reunion flicks, The Big Chill without any movie stars, this 1979 John Sayles movie was his first "blue collar filmmaking" effort that continued with classics like City of Hope and Lone Star. David Strathairn also gives one of his first memorable performances as the townie Ron.


 

A GUIDE TO RECOGNIZING YOUR SAINTS

Robert Downey Jr. and Shia LeBeouf give equally powerful performances as the past and present character of Dito Montel, the movie’s writer/director/producer. Montel, in his directorial debut, recreates the sweat and steam neighborhoods of Queens, New York in 1983. While the movie supports itself with the all-star cast of Rosario Dawson, Eric Roberts, Chazz Palminteri, and Diane Wiest, it’s the childhood friends, Channing Tatum in a surprisingly intense performance as Antonio, Montel’s doomed childhood friend, and Melonie Diaz as Montel’s girlfriend, that are the spark of the movie.

 

ROMY AND MICHELE’S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

The seminal chick flick of reunion movies, Lisa Kudrow and Mira Sorvino star as the titled best friends, who after 10 years of working in retail department stores decide to return to their high school reunion the successful inventors of Post-Its. The hilarious and neurotic performances by Jeneane Garofalo and Alan Cumming score one for the freaks-and-geeks reunion movie.

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6 Actors Who Need to Play a Villain http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/6-actors-who-need-to-play-a-villain/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/6-actors-who-need-to-play-a-villain/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 It's tough being a movie star. When actors find success or make it big they tend to stick to the same projects and stories that have made them a houshold name. Yes, I'm shooting you the stink-eye, Eddie Murphy, with all your Nutty Professors, Doctor Doolittles, and Daddy Day Cares. But then an actor will go and do something out of nowhere. Murphy in Harlem Nights and Dreamgirls showed his dramatic range even if the movies were not complete successes. So here are a few suggestions on meatier roles certain actors should consider before diving into that next dashing lead or crusading hero part.  Mel Gibson - SS Nazi Officer

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It’s tough being a movie star. When actors find success or make it big they tend to stick to the same projects and stories that have made them a houshold name. Yes, I’m shooting you the stink-eye, Eddie Murphy, with all your Nutty Professors, Doctor Doolittles, and Daddy Day Cares. But then an actor will go and do something out of nowhere. Murphy in Harlem Nights and Dreamgirls showed his dramatic range even if the movies were not complete successes. So here are a few suggestions on meatier roles certain actors should consider before diving into that next dashing lead or crusading hero part.
 

Mel Gibson – SS Nazi Officer

He’s played the tiresome one-man crusader too many times. In fact his last film, Edge of Darkness, should have been called Edge of I’m Gettin’ Too Old For This Sh*t. Audiences would love to see Mel as a villain on-screen for once. Give him a juicy role as a SS Nazi Officer in the next World War 2 epic a la Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds.  Remember, Harrison Ford played the villain in What Lies Beneath and got a lot of credit for being an actor and not just another billion-dollar-making face. Also please notice I didn’t mention that Gibson already has some familiarity with not being the biggest fan of Jews. …Oops.

 

Will Ferrell – Blue Collar Wife Beater

We saw a glimmer of dramatic brilliance in him with Stranger Than Fiction, and it wouldn’t be a bad idea to tap into that again. With The Other Guys coming out this summer it looks like the same old schtick. We need to see Will’s ranting and raving be put to better and more original use. It’s time for him to display his acting chops as a blue collar wife beating husband. Think Five Easy Pieces meets A Streetcar Name Desire with him yelling out a good “Stella!" sans the usual man-child arm flailing that usually accompanies his verbal tirades.

 

Tom Cruise – Serial Killer

With another Mission Impossible movie on the way, Cruise needs to be looking for roles where he can be as crazy and violent as he wants to be. He can be very intense and sadistic at times like Tropic Thunder’s Les Grossman, Magnolia’s Frank T.J Mackey, and Collateral’s Vincent. With his never-aging good looks he should embody the role of a charming Ted Bundy-like serial killer. Giving him the villain part in the next Seven or Silence of the Lambs of psychological horror movies could make back the money he has lost with the United Artists deal.

 

Zac Efron – Skinhead

As he is trying to be taken more seriously with dramatic fare (Me and Orson Welles, Charlie St. Cloud over Footloose remake), Zac should consider the all important, Oscar catnip disturbing role. Skinhead characters of the past have worked for good looking young actors like Edward Norton and Ryan Gosling to grab the audience by the throat and send a chill down its spine. Time for Zac to trade in his dancing shoes for a pair of weathered steel toe boots. As long as he’s reformed by the end of the film, the girls and creepy middle-aged mothers, who have no business swooning over a kid their son’s age, won’t like him any less.

 

Kate Winslet – Sociopathic Ax Murderer

She can play just about any part, and since she’s earned her Oscar (for playing a Nazi. Wink, wink, Efron) she can pretty much do anything she wants. Most actors who win their Academy Awards go main stream with their next big performance, but it would be great to see Kate in a period piece horror film like "The Lizzy Borden Story." She could give that kind of movie 40 good bloody whacks.

 

Russell Crowe – Pimp

He has played many crusaders and commanders lately, but he started out in his career as a villain in Romper Stomper and Virtuosity. Let’s get him back on the gritty streets like in L.A. Confidential, but this time as a crack addicted pimp with little patience for trifflin’ hoes. He’d smack Harvey Keitel in Taxi Driver upside the head with the jeweled handle of his cain. Crowe is always up for a challenge even if it fails – just look at his try at comedy in A Good Year. If Frank Lucas was played by him instead of Denzel Washington in American Gangster, that could have been a revelation. He’d don a purple fur hat. Your argument that the real Frank Lucas is black is invalid.

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8 Disturbingly Sexual Movie Creatures http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/8-disturbingly-sexual-movie-creatures/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/8-disturbingly-sexual-movie-creatures/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 With the release of Splice this Friday and the introduction of the film’s monster Dren, played by model and actress Delphine Chanéac, we’re being treated to another marginally hot yet horribly wrong murderous beast for two hours of cleavage and mayhem. And while it’s awesome that the vampires and werewolves in Twilight all look like they should be trying to sell you sweater vests, most movie beasts have no business trying to stir up unwholesome feelings in you. And yet, despite how obvious it is that nothing that can eat you should give you a boner, filmmakers keep slipping dirty little things in there.Aliens

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With the release of Splice this Friday and the introduction of the film’s monster Dren, played by model and actress Delphine Chanéac, we’re being treated to another marginally hot yet horribly wrong murderous beast for two hours of cleavage and mayhem. And while it’s awesome that the vampires and werewolves in Twilight all look like they should be trying to sell you sweater vests, most movie beasts have no business trying to stir up unwholesome feelings in you. And yet, despite how obvious it is that nothing that can eat you should give you a boner, filmmakers keep slipping dirty little things in there.

Aliens

Arguably the most disturbing of all vaguely sexual interplanetary killers, the Aliens represent a non-stop orgy of awfulness. They starts their life cycle as a butt with fingers that has a vagina for a mouth and wicked jumping skills. Shortly after engaging in some BDSM choking and smothering, their victim is literally penetrated from the inside out by the universe’s most fearsome penis metaphor.

Alien designer HR Giger acknowledges that the creatures were designed in some manner of offputtingly sexual way, because a monster that eats you is one thing but a monster that eats you while making you think of bumping uglies is just terrifying.

Real World Equivalent: Luckily, for sanity’s sake, there’s nothing too similar to the aliens in the real world, otherwise we’d all be spending every day in a clench-filled panic. However, in a pinch you can recreate the same stomach-turning innuendo by shooting a nail gun through a dildo.

 

Sil

From the movie Species and depicted mostly non-creepily by Natasha Henstridge, things got weird once Sil turned full on alien. How weird? Someone, somewhere in the effects department thought “alien chicks probably have tentacle boobs, right?” and the rest is history.

Like a Japanese cartoon come to grim, Michael Madsen-soaked life, Species forced us all to watch the pleasantness of excessive nudity degrade into the excessiveness of unpleasant alien anatomy.

Real World Equivalent: If you can get a hot and somewhat homicidal model to take up cannibalism and wear a live squid instead of clothing, you might be in the right ballpark. Right in the sense it’d be a semi-accurate recreation of the movie. Nothing else would be right about it.

 

Plava Laguna

On the plus side, the Diva from The 5th Element never ate anyone or impregnated their brains with carnivorous slugs mid coitus or anything else that can ruin a Friday night, so she’s head and shoulders above the pack in terms of pleasantness at this point. On the other hand, it’s established fairly well in the film that she’s a captivating singer who seems to draw in the entire audience with the beauty of both her voice and appearance.

Here’s the thing though, and maybe we missed something, but isn’t she like a PVC tentacle monster with a head that looks like that weird hill from The Nightmare Before Christmas? It’s nice that she can carry a tune, but come on.

Real World Equivalent: Remember that squid we had on the cannibal model? If you can staple it to a dolphin and paint them both blue, there you go.

 

Jabba the Hutt

If there’s anything good left in the world, you’ve probably never thought of Jabba the Hutt in a sexual manner. But the fact remains that while Jabba the Hutt himself was no Megan Fox, he clearly had a bit of a debauched sensibility. Mostly all the guy did was lay down and have parties that featured scantily clad dancing girls in chains. He was basically a long time ago, far far away Caligula. Plus he was naked all the time.

Real World Equivalent: Larry Flynt

 

Sy Snootles

Staying in Jabba’s palace, we have to give a nod to the sultry lead singer of the Max Rebo band, Sy Snootles, one of the few Star Wars characters who actually ended up with a worse name than Count Dooku. There are probably an entire series of novels that detail the life and times of this character that hardcore Star Wars geeks are all over, but all you really need to know to fully appreciate her is that she wears a whorish shade of lipstick, a skirt that seems to be made of leather and fabric scraps and no top. Now that’s a lounge singer.

Real World Equivalent – If Amy Winehouse ever has a daughter with an anteater, keep your eyes on that kid’s music career.

 

The Cenobites

Clive Barker’s Hellraiser series started out awesome and turned into something arguably worse than being punched in the neck by a stranger. But before everything went downhill, the concept of the Cenobites was a terrifying and extremely offputting one. While eventually the movies made them degrade into nothing more than demons, their original inspiration was very much derived from a kind of horribly awful BDSM club scene and their motivations were to surpass the boundaries and both pleasure and pain.

Complete with fetish gear, body piercings and a penchant for overblown speeches, the Cenobites were hardcore goth kids before it was cool.

Real World Equivalent: Depending on your skills with Google, you should be able to located any number of leather-clad ladies willing to torture you for about $300 an hour.

 

The Three-Boobed Hooker

No one can argue that Total Recall wasn’t an awesome movie, because it so was. QUAID!! Ha! Brilliant. But that aside, there’s one scene that has been burned into the minds of all who have witnessed it and that is the three boob hooker at the bar on Mars that gets fondled by Benny the cabbie.

Now, for 70% of guys, the three boob thing is kind of awesome. If you’re going to become a mutant, there’s literally no cooler mutation you could get, and that includes anything the X-Men have to offer. Seriously control the weather? Read minds? Three boobs? No contest.

The creepy part here is, well, Quato. Arguably the most disgusting mutant ever, Quato is a circus person that grows out of a blue collar dude’s stomach and is completely gross. And he’s basically that guy’s 3rd boob. Nasty.

Real World Equivalent: This is a tough one, but have you ever seen one of those people who has gained weight in such a way that their two boobs seem to have grown together around their entire torso so as to resemble a single boob inner tube? Yeah.

 

Mystique

The only woman in Magneto’s crew of miscreants for the first two X-Men films, Mystique is played by Rebecca Romijn and she’s naked all the time. Right away that seems pretty much like the best thing ever. And yet it’s not. While as the somewhat scaly and blue-skinned Mystique she’s very lithe and sexy the fact remains, she’s blue-skinned and scaly. How scaly? Scaly enough to apparently no longer have genitals. And she turns into Bruce Davison at some point. Would you want to run the risk of depantsing in front of a woman who could turn into Bruce Davison at any moment?

Real World Equivalent: Find a way to attach boobs to a chameleon and then see if it will make out with you.

 

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11 Terribly Awesome Movies http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/11-terribly-awesome-movies/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/11-terribly-awesome-movies/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 We all have them: Our favorite worst movies. Whether due to poor acting, writing, production value or all of the above, there are some gorgeously entertaining cinematic turds that we just can’t flush out of our hearts. Here are 11 of the most awfulsome movies ever made. 11. Double Team

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We all have them: Our favorite worst movies. Whether due to poor acting, writing, production value or all of the above, there are some gorgeously entertaining cinematic turds that we just can’t flush out of our hearts. Here are 11 of the most awfulsome movies ever made.

11. Double Team

It’s a risky move to Google-search “dennis+rodman+double+team”.  But with SafeSearch turned on, it leads to this trailer for Double Team. Jean Claude Van Damme stars as a guy paid to kick people alongside Dennis Rodman who plays a humble, polite gentleman who never blows shit up (note to self: fact check this). Together they must stop Mickey Rourke from strutting away from explosions in slow-motion. This movie features Van Damme cliff-diving through lasers, dry humping a bathtub, stumbling through basketball puns and he eve fighting a tiger. I repeat. JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME FIGHTS A TIGER. How is that not awesome?

10. Stroker Ace

Three Doors Down aren’t the only celebrity NASCAR fans, and Burt Reynolds proves that with 1983’s Stroker Ace. This has got to be the slowest movie about racecars in history. It’s equal-parts Hee-Haw and Even More Hee-Haw, was somehow based on a book, and is somehow totally entertaining. Stroker is a popular racecar driver who must find a way out of his lame endorsement deal. It all boils down to the last pulse-pounding moments as Stroker… I dunno, he wins a race or some shit.  FUN FACT: Charlie Daniels provided the theme song for the “film” and rumor has it that he used the money-earned to buy the world’s larges fringe jacket:

9. Secret Agent 00 Soul


Billy Dee! Billy Dee! Billy Dee! Billy Dee Williams stars in this attempted spoof of James Bond films which somehow detours way off-track, landing Lando in a house haunted by rapping mummies. “Do you expect me to talk?” “No, Agent Soul. I expect you to beatbox…for these mummies.” How many other films have rhyming mummies? None.

8. Chopping Mall

Sex-loving teens get robo-fragged after breaking into the mall for the wildest party of their lives. ‘Party City’ is just a name of a store, you guys. If you weren’t so literal, you might still have a head. Please note the end of the trailer, where two featured extras pretty much quit on camera. The one gets awesome points for using the term ‘robot blood.’

7. Screwballs

Featuring characters such as Purity Busch, Melvin Jerkovski, Howie Bates and Bootsie Goodhead this movie really tried to cash in on the sex romp craze. With dialogue like, “Now you can jerk off all you want Jerkovski,” I don’t know how it didn’t take home a golden statue. A golden statue shaped like a giant steaming turd.

6. Death Wish 3

I don’t know when psychotic violence gangs stopped wearing grease paint but it’s a trend I’d really like to see reemerge. I’d also like to see Charles Bronson square-off against today’s movie tough guys. I like to watch creepy, old men get knocked down a lot. That’s what the internet is basically all about. Charles Bronson. You will be missed.

5. Under The Tuscan Sun

BBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! I just got a shiver like somebody walked on my grave. Not awesomely bad. Just bad.

4. Man’s Best Friend


Man’s Best Friend Trailer – Watch more Movie Trailers

Man’s Best Friend is a sci-fi/horror film about a scientist (Lance Henriksen) who loses his puppy-wuppy. The canine is actually a top-secret genetically-enhanced killing machine because, yeah, I guess we need those. The movie’s taglines are: "He bit the hand that fed him…and then he ate the rest." And "His bark isn’t half as bad as his bite." Here is one of the many awfulsomely gruesome scenes from the film. It just about takes your breath away.

3. Plan 9 From Outer Space

Voted the worst movie of all time Ed Wood’s Plan 9 From Outer Space is classically bad. In an attempt to take over earth, outer space sends Dracula, his wife, and a fat zombie to enslave mankind. That was their NINTH plan? Really? What were Plans 1-8? Asking nicely? It’s really required viewing in cinema of the ab-turd.

2. Troll 2

Filmed on toilet paper with a budget of $0.92 and featuring creatures designed by a porn actress, Troll 2 is rapidly becoming the King of Camp Cinema. The plot is simple. Goblins (there are no trolls in this movie) who only eat plants intend to turn people into plants so that they can eat them because apparently the plants that already exist just aren’t good enough. It’s up to a young boy and his grandpa’s ghost to save the day. You will laugh your way through this one. 

1. The Room

I’d love to bestow Troll 2 with the mantle of Most Awesomful Movie but that distinction has to go to The Room. The ultimate vanity project, Tommy Wiseau directs Tommy Wiseau in a film written by Tommy Wiseau about the relationship issues of a dead-eyed Frankenstein. The production value is baffling and the performances are unintentionally hilarious. After initial audience reactions of "This is the funniest shizz ever" and "Bro seriously, you gotta go see this pile" Wiseau began billing the film as a ‘quirky, black comedy’. Filmed over 8 months (!), the production went through at least four crews and a $6 million budget. Confused by the differences between 35mm film and HD video, Wiseau decided to shoot the film simultaneously on both with a rig that mounted both cameras on one head. If only it were also shot on IMAX, that way we could surround ourselves with terrible. Midnight screenings are held monthly in Los Angeles and attended by a hundred or so fans that herald this as a modern Rocky Horror Picture Show. And I can see why. I’ve been quoting this movie every chance I get. Don’t believe me? Ask my girlfriend. She’s the annoyed girl over there rolling her eyes. Hi sweetie! Here’s some supporting proof in the form of a remix. This one hurts SOOO GOOD.

What are some of your favorite horrible movies? Let us know in the comments section.

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6 Comeback Projects for Steven Seagal http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/6-comeback-projects-for-steven-seagal/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/6-comeback-projects-for-steven-seagal/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Steven Seagal has built a career laying his hands on other people. Recently this has brought controversy his way. What the man needs now is a comeback. Here are six projects that could easily put him back on top.  Law and Order: SVU (Seagal Victims Unit)

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Steven Seagal has built a career laying his hands on other people. Recently this has brought controversy his way. What the man needs now is a comeback. Here are six projects that could easily put him back on top.

 

Law and Order: SVU (Seagal Victims Unit)

The best thing he could do in his current situation is to play to his strengths. Given his gropey rapist stigma, a career in film is a long shot. That’s why he needs to toe the water with a high-profile guest role on an established television series. I’m picturing him as a handsy corrections officer who insists on wearing a leather jacket all the time. Assuming this is a hit, he’ll have an Emmy under his belt. That’s when we move into Phase Two, beating the crap out of people on the big screen…

 

Face-Off 2: The Face-Off

When his evil twin steals his face to commit the crime of the century, Chicago Mayor Gage Trakker awakes in a hospital faceless. He frees himself from his captors and adorns his sinister sibling’s goateed grill in order to literally hunt down his own flesh and blood. It’s a race against time, as each face grows increasingly pockmarked. Will Gabe find his brother and recover his identity in time? And more importantly, why doesn’t he just shave??

 

The Pie Man

Vowing revenge for the murder of his partner, FBI Taster Chug Stugots goes undercover in the corrupt world of high stakes competitive eating. Also because they have free pie. However, Chug soon finds that the corruption goes all the way to the White House. Has Chug bitten off more than he can chew? Will he be consumed by his cravings for vengeance?? Are you going to eat that???

 

The Loneliness Of The Long Distance Runner (remake)

There is no actor alive better suited for an updated adaptation of the 1958 short story. There is also no actor alive that runs as hysterically as Seagal. It looks like he’s squeezing a penny between his bum-cheeks. In this version, Seagal stars as a drill sergeant who uses a long run to reflect upon the many asses he has kicked throughout his life. And maybe he’s running because he’s on his way to uppercut a pimp or something.

 

Say Uncle

Aikido-master and nuclear expert Dr. Jack Barnard is abruptly called upon to baby-sit his estranged nieces for the weekend. However, on this particular weekend the nuclear facility he works at in taken over by Bosnian mercenaries. Barnard is the only man that knows enough about nuclear bombs and judo chops to take down the terrorists. He must make sure that little Melissa doesn’t eat any peanuts because she has allergies all while protecting the United States from a smoldering, irradiated death. This flick is fun for the whole family!

 

Trapped In Bear

Wilderness conservationist  William Woodrow is deforestation’s number one opponent. One night, a corrupt logging official (played by Willem Dafoe) surrounds Woodrow’s tent with salmon causing the conservationist to be attacked and eaten by a giant Kodiak. Now trapped in the bear’s stomach, Woodrow teams up with a few other devoured detainees (as well as a precocious raccoon). Together they must find a way out before the forest is ripped from the face of the Earth.

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9 Poorly Conceived Baby Movies http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/9-poorly-conceived-baby-movies/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/9-poorly-conceived-baby-movies/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Jennifer Lopez's new movie, The Back-up Plan, premieres this week. The film is supposedly a comedy about having a baby. Unfortunately, the trailer looks about as funny as SIDS. In fact, the only humorous thing about the film is that it was originally titled Plan B. Now that's comedy! But when it comes to awful films about babies, The Back-up Plan has a lot of company. Here are nine other poorly conceived baby movies.  Son of the Mask - 2005 The Mask (1994) was a horrible film that was made slightly tolerable by the presence of Jim Carrey. So when you replace Jim Carrey with Jamie Kennedy and throw in a baby with magical powers, it’s pretty clear you’ve got a real crapfest on your hands. Did I mention it also stars Alan Cumming? Well it does.

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Jennifer Lopez’s new movie, The Back-up Plan, premieres this week. The film is supposedly a comedy about having a baby. Unfortunately, the trailer looks about as funny as SIDS. In fact, the only humorous thing about the film is that it was originally titled Plan B. Now that’s comedy!

But when it comes to awful films about babies, The Back-up Plan has a lot of company. Here are nine other poorly conceived baby movies. 

Son of the Mask – 2005
The Mask (1994) was a horrible film that was made slightly tolerable by the presence of Jim Carrey. So when you replace Jim Carrey with Jamie Kennedy and throw in a baby with magical powers, it’s pretty clear you’ve got a real crapfest on your hands. Did I mention it also stars Alan Cumming? Well it does.

Jersey Girl – 2004
Jersey Girl was Kevin Smith’s first attempt at making a film that had nothing to do with Jay and Silent Bob. It ended poorly. In all fairness, Gigli, which came out just before Jersey Girl and also stars Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, poisoned the box-office well. Smith even killed off Lopez near the start of the film, but it didn’t save this dud. 

On a side note, watching George Carlin pretend to change this baby’s diaper just makes me sad.


Jersey Girl Trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

Ghostbusters II – 1989
A lot of people are clamoring for Ghostbusters III. I think those people should take a step back and remember Ghostbusters II.

The plot centers on a European ghost named Vigo and his attempts to abduct a baby. Don’t get your hopes up; it’s not as sexy as it sounds. In fact, it’s downright stupid.  The giant marshmallow man from the first film is completely plausible in context. But a walking Statue of Liberty? Ridiculous.

Father of the Bride II – 1995
In this sequel, Steve Martin is back as an overprotective father who just found out his daughter is pregnant. As if that wasn’t crazy enough, it turns out his wife, who everyone thought was all dried up, is pregnant too! Outrageous!

I haven’t seen this film since I was a kid, but even then I was confused as to why the gay wedding planners from the first film ended up driving the pregnant women to the hospital.

You’ve come a long way since The Jerk, Steve Martin.

Baby’s Day Out – 1994
After Home Alone, John Hughes wanted to see how far he could push the envelope when it came to stupid sh*t.  He found out with this film.

Baby’s Day Out follows a kidnapped baby who escapes from his captors and wanders around the streets of New York City. Those of you expecting the baby to be run over by a car or eaten by a homeless guy are in for a disappointment.

Look Who’s Talking Too – 1990
Have you ever wondered what babies think about? Then you’re an idiot. They can’t think, which is why they don’t talk and constantly sh*t themselves.

I didn’t think there could be a more pointless sequel than Look Who’s Talking Too, but then I remembered Look Who’s Talking Now, and I took some more Welbutrin.

Junior – 1994
Director Ivan Reitman makes our list for the second time with Junior, a film about a pregnant Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I know what you‘re thinking: “But Jame, boys can’t get pregnant.”

Shut up.  He’s a scientist, so it make perfect sense. The problem is that unless Arnold was impregnated by the Alien or is giving birth to a race of cyborgs, no one’s gonna care. Besides, if I want a Schwarzenegger comedy, I’ll watch this.

Baby Geniuses – 1999
As the trailer suggests, Baby Geniuses is a film that follows the exploits of a group of baby geniuses.

You know, in the olden days, if they saw a walking, talking baby wearing a top hat they would have put it in a sack and thrown it off a bridge. Today they make movies glorifying that type of behavior. And you call that progress?

Barefoot and Pregnant Vol. 33 - 2009
Barefoot and Pregnant Vol. 33 is head and shoulders above the other films in the Barefoot and Pregnant series. Even so, I can’t help but think an early termination would have been better for everyone involved. The same goes for the Knocked-Up Nymphos series.

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TOP 10 NAZI KILLING MOVIES http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/top-10-nazi-killing-movies/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/top-10-nazi-killing-movies/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Just about everybody enjoys watching a goose-stepping kraut get his head blown off... Whites & blacks, Christians and Jews, liberals and conservatives; hell, even hardcore racists can find things to hate about the tenets of National Socialism (although say what you will, at least it’s an ethos).So, in honor of Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds, we here at Screen Junkies have complied the Top Ten Nazi Killing Movies of all time. Sit back, relax, and enjoy this list of films that are guaranteed to put those filthy Huns where they belong: in the ground.

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Just about everybody enjoys watching a goose-stepping kraut get his head blown off… Whites & blacks, Christians and Jews, liberals and conservatives; hell, even hardcore racists can find things to hate about the tenets of National Socialism (although say what you will, at least it’s an ethos).

So, in honor of Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds, we here at Screen Junkies have complied the Top Ten Nazi Killing Movies of all time. Sit back, relax, and enjoy this list of films that are guaranteed to put those filthy Huns where they belong: in the ground.

 

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN


 

If it’s dead Nazis you want, you’ve come to the right place. With sniper head shots, prisoner massacres, and our personal favorite, flamethrowers, Saving Private Ryan is like a meat grinder designed specifically for Uncle Fritz.

Of course, from time to time you do have to sit through some of Spielberg’s overwrought sentimentality, but it’s mainly confined to the beginning and the end. And besides, they throw in Private Ryan’s super-hot granddaughters to make up for it. Tom Hanks told Ryan to go and make something out of his life, and I’d have to say that those girls more than justify the deaths of most of the main characters.

Best Quote: “Don’t shoot; let ‘em burn”

 

STALINGRAD

Close to a million Nazi soldiers marched into the Battle of Stalingrad. Only about 5,000 made it home. Cue laugh track.

Many people view the film as a gritty masterpiece that perfectly encapsulates the senselessness and brutality of modern warfare. My suggestion to those people is to turn off the English subtitles. Without them, you’re not bogged down with things like “plot” and “character development,” and you’re free to experience the film for what it truly is; a nonstop laugh riot.

After all, unlike the other films on this list, Stalingrad shows the Nazi fighting the Bolsheviks, so no matter who dies, you win. Like grandpa always said, the only thing better than a dead German is a dead Russian.     

Best Quote: “Welcome to our grave.”

Memorable Clip: Storming the Factory

 

DOWNFALL

*Spoiler Alert*
Hitler Dies!
*End Spoiler Alert*

Downfall, the story of the last 12 days of Nazi Germany, is a confusing film. On the one hand, the film is chock-full of dead Nazis, including the big man himself, Adolf Hitler. That fact alone should make it a fun flick.

But on the other hand, the film is so brilliantly executed that you almost find yourself feeling sorry for the Nazis. Sure, we like to pretend we’re better than a society that could systematically exterminate somewhere between 11 million and 17 million people. But on the other hand, our society allows atrocities of its own, like Jeremih’s Birthday Sex, so who do we think we are?  

Best Quote:
Adolf Hitler: “I always make mistakes when I’m dictating.”

Memorable Scene: Hitler getting angry at anything

 

SHOCK WAVES

Shock Waves tells the story of a shipwrecked yachting party that discovers a secret island filled with Nazi zombies.

Now, we’re not going to pretend like we’ve seen this movie, but we put it on the list anyway. Why? Because the only thing better than watching a Nazi die is watching a Nazi die twice, and to pull that off you need Nazi zombies.

Also, it stars Peter Cushing, and he was Grand Moff Tarkin in Star Wars, so show some damn respect.

Best Quote: “That Nazi Zombie stole my bra!”  (Yeah, we made that up.)

Memorable Clip: The whole damn movie is up on Youtube.

 

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK/LAST CRUSADE

If you grew up in the ’80s and you enjoy seeing Nazis die, it’s probably because on Indiana Jones. In two of the four films, Indy found numerous ways kill the Jerries. And if Indy couldn’t handle it, supernatural forces would finish the job. Both the Jewish and Christian Gods decided to get in on the Nazi killing action, and they weren’t afraid to melt a few faces. Hell, Indy even had a Muslim friend, so I guess Allah hates Nazis too, which is saying something, because that dude tends to run with a dangerous crowd.

Yeah, I know it’s the same God for all three, so shut up.

Best Quote: “Nazis. I hate these guys.”

Check out the Original Theatrical Trailer for RAIDERS. 

 

THE BOYS FROM BRAZIL

Compared to the other films on this list, The Boys From Brazil has a relatively small amount of Nazi killing. But what it lacks in quantity, it makes up for in quality.

Starring Laurence Olivier, Gregory Peck, and James Mason, it has without a doubt the greatest cast ever assembled for a bizzaro sci-fi Hitler-cloning movie. It also has plenty of Nazi on Nazi violence, the evil Dr. Josef Mengele being eaten alive by dogs, and, to top it off, a young Steve Guttenberg.

After reading this article about Guttenberg a while ago, I was left with the impression that he definitely has a Google alert set up for his name. So, I’d just like to take this opportunity to say, “Hey Steve, how’s it going? I‘ve got my fingers crossed for Police Academy 8!”

Best Quote: 
“Do you know what I saw on the television in my motel room at one o’clock this morning? Films of Hitler! They are showing films about the war! The movement! People are fascinated! The time is ripe! Adolf Hitler is alive!”

Check out the Original Trailer HERE.

 

WHERE EAGLES DARE

If you’ve ever wondered how many krauts Clint Eastwood could kill, Where Eagles Dare has the answer: a lot. Throw in Richard Burton and a couple of hot chicks, and you’ve got a non-stop orgy of Nazi-killing goodness.

Best Quote: “Next time you have one of these things, keep it an all-British operation.”

Check out the Original Trailer.  
 

 

TO HELL AND BACK

To Hell and Back is the true story of America’s most decorated WWII veteran, Audie Murphy. Murphy was a bona fide bad ass who personally killed over 240 Krauts (and a few Italians for good measure). That doesn’t include the countless others he captured or wounded, or the six tanks he destroyed. This crazy bastard killed so many Jerries that they ran out of medals to give him, and had to start doubling up.

The best part of To Hell and Back is that Murphy actually stars in the film. He went on to star in numerous other movies, until 1971 when he decided to die in a plane crash.

Best Quote: “I’m Audie Murphy, bitch!” (Yeah, we made that one up too.) 



Memorable Clip: Audie Murphy’s introduction

 

 

KELLY’S HEROES

Another Clint Eastwood classic with a fairly awful soundtrack, Kelly’s Heroes is the story of a group of G.I.s who stop fighting for Uncle Sam and start fighting for 1.6 million dollars worth of hidden Nazi gold.

Co-starring Telly Savalas, Don Rickles, and Donald Sutherland as a strangely out of place beatnik, Kelly’s Heroes teaches us that if you can’t kill a Nazi you can always buy him off.

Oh, I forgot to mention that Uncle Leo from "Seinfeld" is also in this movie, not to mention Archie Bunker and Captain Steubing!

Best Quote: “We see our role as essentially defensive in nature. While our armies are advancing so fast and everyone’s knocking themselves out to be heroes, we are holding ourselves in reserve in case the Krauts mount a counteroffensive which threatens Paris… or maybe even New York. Then we can move in and stop them. But for 1.6 million dollars, we could become heroes for three days.”

Check out Part 1 of the Movie HERE.

 

THE DIRTY DOZEN

Actor Lee Marvin, who was actually shot in the ass by the Japanese while serving in the marines, leads an all-star cast in this subversive WWII masterpiece.

The grandfather of all Nazi-killing movies, The Dirty Dozen tells the tale of a group of 12 convicted murderers who are sent on a suicide mission to Nazi-occupied France. Their objective is to kill as many Nazi officers as possible. As you might expect, 12 psychopaths with machine guns do a pretty good job of killing people, including women, civilians, and other members of the unit.

From the looks of it, Tarantino borrowed heavily from this film. So if you’ve going to see one movie on this list before you watch Inglourious Basterds, make it The Dirty Dozen.  

Best Quote: “It’s judgment day, sinners!”

Check out this Memorable Scene.

Honorable Mention

Patton – The fact that George C. Scott’s brilliant portrayal of famed Nazi-killing General George S. Patton was left off this list is travesty, especially when considering a movie like Shock Waves made the cut. But eh, wadda ya gonna do?

The Blues Brothers – Only two Nazis die in this Chicagoland classic, but theirs is a spectacular death.

Wolfenstein 3D – If Wolfenstein 3D had been a movie, it surely would have made the list. But unfortunately, it’s a video game, so this revolutionary first-person shooter only gets honorable mention.

 

Other Junk You Might Like

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10 HOTTEST FEMALE GRIFTERS IN MOVIES http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-hottest-female-grifters-in-movies/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-hottest-female-grifters-in-movies/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 In SPREAD, opening this Friday, Ashton Kutcher plays Nikki, a high-end lothario who has slept his way into a life of privilege.  We haven't seen the film, but we're pretty sure that we'd rather it focused on Kutcher's co-star Margarita Levieva, if only to give us more screen time with her.  In the film, Levieva plays Heather, who turns out to be a grifter just like Nikki... and the plot thickens. But it got us thinking that Heather, no matter how good she is at swindling through sex, has got some pretty stiff competition cinematically speaking.  The following ten sexpots are Screen Junkies' picks for the 10 Hottest Female Grifters in Movies.   Angelina Jolie as Julie Russell ORIGINAL SIN (2001)

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In SPREAD, opening this Friday, Ashton Kutcher plays Nikki, a high-end lothario who has slept his way into a life of privilege.  We haven’t seen the film, but we’re pretty sure that we’d rather it focused on Kutcher’s co-star Margarita Levieva, if only to give us more screen time with her.  In the film, Levieva plays Heather, who turns out to be a grifter just like Nikki… and the plot thickens.

But it got us thinking that Heather, no matter how good she is at swindling through sex, has got some pretty stiff competition cinematically speaking.  The following ten sexpots are Screen Junkies’ picks for the 10 Hottest Female Grifters in Movies.

 

Angelina Jolie as Julie Russell

ORIGINAL SIN (2001)

When you have the ridonkulous hotness on your side, you can convince weak men to do anything.  In the case of ORIGINAL SIN, Julia (Angelina Jolie)is a high stakes grifter who seduces wealthy Cuban coffee magnate Luis (Antonio Banderas) into marrying her based on a bunch of overseas correspondence and charm.  Flash forward, past a lot of intrigue and a lot more ass shots (some Jolie good, some of the Banderas variety) and you wind up finding out Julia is in cahoots with Walter (Thomas Jane), the phony detective who’s been playing Luis almost as long as his partner.  Just not with his balls, like Julia.  We don’t want to spoil too much, but run out and rent this to check out Jolie’s performance, which garnered her the 2001 Worst Actress Razzie award.  And she didn’t even have to $%*& anyone to get it.

         

    

 

 

 

Barbara Stanwyck as Phyllis Dietrichson

DOUBLE INDEMNITY (1944) 

Barbara Stanwyck is the O.G. of this sultry bunch, but still one of the best thanks to her role as conniving femme fatale Phyllis Dietrichson in Billy Wilder’s DOUBLE INDEMNITY.  After taking out a sizable life insurance policy on her husband, Dietrichson seduces insurance man Walter Neff (Fred MacMurray) so badly he agrees to murdering the cuckold in cold blood.  We won’t tell you what happens in the rest of the film – this is one of the best Film Noir flicks EVER and you should see it – but suffice it to say that if we were on the receiving end of Dietrichson’s advances back in the day, we might have done some very bad things, too.  Not sold?  Check out some of this smoldering dialogue between Neff & Phyllis:

Phyllis: Mr. Neff, why don’t you drop by tomorrow evening about eight-thirty. He’ll be in then.
Walter Neff: Who?
Phyllis: My husband. You were anxious to talk to him weren’t you?
Walter Neff: Yeah, I was, but I’m sort of getting over the idea, if you know what I mean.
Phyllis: There’s a speed limit in this state, Mr. Neff. Forty-five miles an hour.
Walter Neff: How fast was I going, officer?
Phyllis: I’d say around ninety.
Walter Neff: Suppose you get down off your motorcycle and give me a ticket.
Phyllis: Suppose I let you off with a warning this time.
Walter Neff: Suppose it doesn’t take.
Phyllis: Suppose I have to whack you over the knuckles.
Walter Neff: Suppose I bust out crying and put my head on your shoulder.
Phyllis: Suppose you try putting it on my husband’s shoulder.
Walter Neff: That tears it.  

         

    

 

 

 

Sigourney Weaver as Max Conners

Jennifer Love Hewitt as Page Conners

HEARTBREAKERS (2001) 

You gotta have one tag team on the list, and this is about as hot as it gets… at least on paper.  Starring as a mother-daughter con artist team, Weaver and Love Hewitt fleece wealthy men out of their savings. The grift is this, Weaver finds and marries rich men. Then JLH swoops in and seduces them. Weaver catches them in the act and takes the guys for all they’re worth in divorce proceedings. Although the movie wasn’t all that great, the two have a nice chemistry together. And by that I’m talking about the movie’s real stars. (Hint: Hewitt’s boobs.) 

          

         

 

 

 

 

Karin Dor as Helga Brandt

YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967) 

James Bond has slept with plenty of women who are after more than just his pocket Walther PPK, but our pick for most conniving of the bunch is Helga Brandt, played by hot German strudel Karin Dor in YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE.  A loyal henchwoman of arch-villain Ernst Stavro Blofeld, head of the nefarious SPECTRE, Brandt attempts to kill Bond by pretending to defect to his side.  She ends up defecting to his side of the bed as well, and not for lack of trying.  "Mr. Osato believes in a healthy chest," says Brandt to Bond, as she mixes him a stiff drink in her boss, Osato’s office.  Sadly, Osato also believes in standing by while his employees are eaten alive by Blofeld’s pet piranhas – a fate Brandt meets after her failure to finish Bond once and for all.  Fun fact: the film was written by Roald Dahl. 

         

    

 

 

 

Sara Foster as Nancy Hayes

THE BIG BOUNCE (2004) 

 

Based on Elmore Leonard’s first crime novel, THE BIG BOUNCE stars Owen Wilson as a small time crook who gets involved with scorching hot Sara Foster. Together they team up to take down a sleazy real estate developer whom she is sleeping with. Naturally because it is an Elmore Leonard story, she has her own hidden agenda. Who’d have thought that a backstabbing mistress couldn’t be trusted? BORING FACT: Sara Foster is Hollywood royalty and introduced Ashton Kutcher to Demi Moore.

         

    

 

 

 

Jennifer Tilly as Violet

BOUND (1996) 

Before playing with bullet-time and high wire kung fu, the Wachowski Brothers bent stereotypes about sexuality in the Billy Wilder-inspired BOUND. Jennifer Tilly plays a woman who wants out of her abusive relationship with Mafioso Joe Pantoliano. She falls into the arms of Gina Gershon who helps her make off with 2 million mob bucks, leaving a pile of Italian bodies along the way. Much like the fight scenes in THE MATRIX, the sex scenes in BOUND were also choreographed. This time the moves are plotted out by sex expert Susie Bright not by Yuen Woo-ping, who is rumored to be terrible in bed.

         

    

 

 

 

Alison Doody as Dr. Elsa Schneider

Indiana Jones & THE LAST CRUSADE (1989)

Life can be cruel, but karma eventually wins out.  And so it goes for the actress whose surname is synonymous with feces for most first graders, but whose uncompromising good looks is synonymous with boners for grown men.  Yes, Alison Doody solidified (ha) her place in the pantheon of sexy cinematic swindlers when, as Dr. Elsa Schneider, she slept her way int Indiana Jones‘s trust one hot, sticky night in Venice, Italy… before selling Dr. Jones out to the Nazis.  Had Indy only heeded Short Round’s prophetic portent that there’s "No time for love," he’d never EVER get into these sorts of messes.  But then again… even some Nazis can be too hot to brush off.  

         

    

 

 

 

Nicole Kidman as Suzanne Stone Maretto

TO DIE FOR (1995) 

All Nicole Kidman wants is a little attention in Gus Van Sant’s twisted dark comedy TO DIE FOR. Kidman stars as a woman so determined to be a famous news anchor that she seduces a teenager into killing her husband because he wants her to put her career on hold. Without giving away too much of the plot, we’ll just say that the film is an excellent satire of the media circus and the greedy people that desire fame no matter the cost. The movie really is very good and Kidman is hilarious in it. If you haven’t seen this yet make that the next thing you do. Okay. Put pants on first. 

         

    

 

 

 

Drew Barrymore as Ivy

POISON IVY (1992) 

"What Ivy wants, Ivy gets," is this film’s tagline, and it couldn’t be truer about the titular character played by Drew Barrymore, who befriends schoolmate Sylvie Cooper (Sara Gilbert) to infiltrate her family and eventually move in with them.  Shortly thereafter, Ivy gets in father Darryl’s (Tom Skerritt) pants, and – SPOILER ALERT – takes mother Georgie (Cheryl Ladd) out of the picture through… muuuuurdeeeer.  Take that, Strokes guitarist Albert Hammond Jr. and actor/Mac shill Justin Long! Tom Skerritt had Drew FIRST! 

         

    

 

 

 

Rebecca Romijn as Laure Ash

FEMME FATALE (2002) 

Way back during the Stamos years, Rebecca Romijn teamed up with Brian De Palma to bear it all in FEMME FATALE. Starring as a jewel thief who knows how to get her hands on more than just precious stones. The big score takes place during a Cannes Film Festival screening when sexy Rie Rasmussin enters ass-naked save for some chain mail and diamond-encrusted bra. The plan is simple and evidently dreamt up by a fourteen year old hornball. Ash is to casually approach the model while she is clad in millions, walk her away from security, and convince her to partake in a quickie in the bathroom (a classic move known as ‘the Hartnett’). During the steamy lesbian tryst, the body armor is swapped out for a counterfeit. If you thought it was exciting to see Tom Cruise get the NOC List out of Langley in De Palma’s MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE, you’ll be a different kind of excited to watch Rasmussin get out of those clothes.

         

    

What sexual grifter ladies from film would you be willing to sleep with if it meant very bad things for you later?

 

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A HISTORY OF G.I. JOE WAR CRIMES http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/a-history-of-g-i-joe-war-crimes/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/a-history-of-g-i-joe-war-crimes/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 By Seymour Hersh, Investigative Journalist

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By Seymour Hersh, Investigative Journalist

To most Americans, the G.I. Joes are an elit fighting force, made up of our nation’s best and brightest, who risk their lives to safeguard our country and its values. But like most patriotic fairy tales, the truth is far more disturbing. From the My Lai Massacre to Abu Ghraib, the G.I. Joe’s have been behind every major atrocity of the past forty years. Time and time again the Joes have jeopardized American national security in order to advance their own narrow agenda.  

What began in the late 60’s as a special forces unit has grown into the most powerful, and arguably most corrupt, military organization in the world. The success of the Joes can be attributed to the ruthless leadership of Major General Clayton M. Abernathy, better known as General Hawk.  Hawk, whose wealthy Denver family bought his way into West Point, positioned the Joes to ride the patriotic wave of Ronald Reagan’s America to the height of their power in the mid-eighties. After some lean years under Bill Clinton, the Joes found themselves back on top after the events of 9/11.

Today the Joes are a reactionary fighting force, pimping themselves to any tin-pot dictator or unscrupulous corporation that needs a problem to ‘disappear.’ They continue to use the endless “War on COBRA” to justify their corrupt pursuit of power for power’s sake. The follwing details the Joes’ history of murder, drug trafficking, and other crimes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Men have died to keep these facts from the public, but now you know…an knowing is half the battle.

– SEYMOUR HERSH

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CREEPY KIDS FROM MODERN MOVIES http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/creepy-kids-from-modern-movies/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/creepy-kids-from-modern-movies/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Something's Wrong with Esther. That's the tagline for the film Orphan opening wide this Friday. Either it's just me, or there's been something wrong with a lot of kids at the cinema as of lately.   It used to be we'd occasionally get an outstanding f*cked up youngster:But now it seems there's a flock of mediocre mini sociopaths running amoke on the silver screen. Have the parents in these films never heard of a child psychologist? Or a good punch to the temple? Both are effective for different reasons, but I can guarantee you that either method will get your demented offspring, or unfortunate adoption, to quit lighting your pets, houses, and better behaved children on fire. That is unless head shrinking and corporal punishment really pisses them off. Then you might just have to put them down for good.

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Something’s Wrong with Esther. That’s the tagline for the film Orphan opening wide this Friday. Either it’s just me, or there’s been something wrong with a lot of kids at the cinema as of lately.   

It used to be we’d occasionally get an outstanding f*cked up youngster:

But now it seems there’s a flock of mediocre mini sociopaths running amoke on the silver screen. Have the parents in these films never heard of a child psychologist? Or a good punch to the temple? Both are effective for different reasons, but I can guarantee you that either method will get your demented offspring, or unfortunate adoption, to quit lighting your pets, houses, and better behaved children on fire. That is unless head shrinking and corporal punishment really pisses them off. Then you might just have to put them down for good.

Let’s take a look at some of the menacing kiddies who have recently been causing their on-screen mothers to wish they’d considered an "alternative option" to parenthood.  

Aidan Keller in The Ring

Aiden’s not a sociopath, he just sees pale dead girls with really long hair. But you don’t have to look into those souless eyes for very long to know that this kid has some issues. Can’t you draw your mother anything else but a stupid black ring?! Try a rainbow for once! 

Young Sean in Birth

Cameron Bright’s character is supposedly the reincarnation of his dead father and Nicole Kidman’s character’s husband. That’s got to be a confusing situation to find yourself in. You want to bang your wife but your only ten years old and your balls haven’t dropped yet. No wonder he’s grabbing Kidman’s face so intensely. He’s a sexually frustrated man trapped inside a pubeless body. 

Adam Duncan in Godsend

Here we go with Cameron Bright again. This kid was born to play the creepy son. In this film he’s the perfect example as to why you don’t clone your dead child. Sometimes dead is better, as we learned in Pet Semetary. If you really want to keep your deceased child around a few years longer find a really large Tupperware casket and squirt some lemon juice on him or her. My mom used to do it with my apple slices when I was younger and it worked splendidly. 

Emily Callaway in Hide and Seek

Turn Dakota Fanning into a brunette and suddenly she’s a psycho. Perhaps blonds do really have more fun… Or hair color is toxic. We won’t go into the completely ridiculous turn of events in this film, but if you love Fight Club and you hate idea thievery then you probably won’t like De Niro’s predicament.   

Damien Thorn in The Omen (2006)

One of the truly original creepy kids reimagined with glossier film stock and a Razer scooter. He also apparently enjoys staring contests because he won’t stop looking at you. I get that it’s supposed to be unsettling, but come on Damien, you’re making me self-concious. I mean, do I have sauce from my Panda Express orange chicken on my face? If I give you my fortune cookie will you stop glaring at me from across the kitchy dining area? It’s all for you, Damien!  

Joshua Cairn in Joshua

I think there’s a rule that at least once in these films the creepy kid has to appear in a darling suit or sportcoat. It just makes them look so grown up and normal when they’re anything but. In Joshua we’ve got another case of a jealous sibling who takes things too far. Vera Farmiga plays Joshua’s mother, a very similar role to her character in Orphan.  How many crazy kids can one woman rear in her career’s lifetime?

Tomas in The Orphanage

This is a truly entertaining and powerful horror film. You may think it’s about some reject kid with a sack on his head and a whistle around his neck, but you’d be wrong. If you haven’t seen it rent it right away. It carries the promise of a creepy kid in wide angle shots and some heartwarming scenes to boot. The lead protagonist ain’t so bad either:  

Cole Sear in The Sixth Sense

The original kid who sees dead people. Cole and Aidan from The Ring should get together and discuss their issues. No one can deny though that Haley Joel gave us a fantastic Oscar-nominated performance. He spent the whole movie with Bruce Willis and that little patch of fake hair they put on the front of his head, and Haley didn’t laugh once. 

– IAN SOBEL

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