Community Goes Missing (AOLTV)

Michael J Fox Is Back! (FilmDrunk)

Dan Byrd Speaks (CelebrityCafe)

What I’ve Learned From Lil Wayne (Smosh)

The Best Moments In Halo (Unreality)

Henderson vs Frankie (CagePotato)

Elder Scrolls Will Make You Settle Down (Holytaco)

Karli Madilyn Hotness (GorillaMask)

Mickey Rourke Hates Actresses (MadeMan)

Hottest Girl You’ll See Today (DoubleViking)

More George Lucas BS (SlashFilm)

Paris Hilton Rehab Pics (Ehowa)

Bountiful Cosplay Butt Shots (Nerds)

Coonskin Cap Gives a Report (HuffComedy)

Bobby DeNiro In Suck City (MovieLine)

Burger King Couple Tweets Divorce (ForkParty)

Amanda Harrington Hotness (Gunaxin)

Jack and Jill: Sundance Version (NextMovie)

Victorias Secret Fashion Show (Coed)

The Worst Holiday Movies Ever (GuySpeed)

The Best In-Flight Movies (TotalProSports)

Gary Busey Back in the Spotlight (WarmingGlow)

The Thing is the latest example, but not all movies get turned into franchises. Usually, the critically acclaimed flicks manage to slip by. The hell with that, says I! I need to know the back story to Kramer vs. Kramer, and I need to know it now! Lets take a look at some critically acclaimed films that deserve an unnecessary prequel.

WORST PICTURE
THE BOUNTY HUNTER (Columbia Pictures/Relativity Media)
THE LAST AIRBENDER (Paramount/Nickelodeon Movies)
SEX & THE CITY #2 (Warner Bros/New Line/HBO Pictures)
TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE (Summit Entertainment)
VAMPIRES SUCK (20th Century-Fox/Regency Enterprises)

WORST ACTOR
Jack Black / GULLIVER’S TRAVELS
Gerard Butler / THE BOUNTY HUNTER
Ashton Kutcher / KILLERS and VALENTINE’S DAY
Taylor Lautner / TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE and VALENTINE’S DAY
Robert Pattinson / REMEMBER ME and TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE

WORST ACTRESS
Jennifer Aniston / THE BOUNTY HUNTER and THE SWITCH
Mylie Cyrus / THE LAST SONG
Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis & Cynthia Nixon / SEX & THE CITY 2
Megan Fox JONAH HEX
Kristen Stewart / TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Jessica Alba THE KILLER INSIDE ME LITTLE FOCKERS MACHETE and VALENTINE’S DAY
Cher BURLESQUE
Liza Minnelli / SEX & THE CITY 2
Nicola Peltz / THE LAST AIRBENDER
Barbra Streisand / LITTLE FOCKERS

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Billy Ray Cyrus / THE SPY NEXT DOOR
George Lopez MARMADUKE, THE SPY NEXT DOOR and VALENTINE’S DAY
Dev Patel / THE LAST AIRBENDER
Jackson Rathbone / THE LAST AIRBENDER and TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE
Rob Schneider / GROWN UPS

WORST EYE-GOUGING MIS-USE Of 3-D (Special Category for 2010!)
CATS & DOGS #2: REVENGE OF KITTY GALORE
CLASH OF THE TITANS
THE LAST AIRBENDER
NUTCRACKER 3-D
SAW 3-D (aka SAW VII)

WORST SCREEN COUPLE / WORST SCREEN ENSEMBLE
Jennifer Aniston & Gerard Butler / THE BOUNTY HUNTER
Josh Brolin’s Face & Megan Fox’s Accent / JONAH HEX
The Entire Cast of THE LAST AIRBENDER
The Entire Cast of SEX & THE CITY #2
The Entire Cast of TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE

WORST DIRECTOR
Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer / VAMPIRES SUCK
Michael Patrick King / SEX & THE CITY #2
M. Night Shyamalan / THE LAST AIRBENDER
David Slade / TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE
Sylvester Stallone / THE EXPENDABLES

WORST SCREENPLAY
LAST AIRBENDER Written by M. Night Shyamalan, based on the TV series created by Michael Dante DiMartino and Brian Konietzko
LITTLE FOCKERS, Written by John Hamburg and Larry Stuckey, based on Characters Created by Greg Glenna & Mary Roth Clarke
SEX & THE CITY #2, Written by Michael Patrick King, Based on the TV Series Created by Darren Star
TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE, Screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg, Based on the Novel by Stephenie Meyer
VAMPIRES SUCK, Written by Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer

WORST PREQUEL, REMAKE, RIP-OFF or SEQUEL (Combined Category for 2010)
CLASH OF THE TITANS
THE LAST AIRBENDER
SEX & THE CITY #2
TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE
VAMPIRES SUCK!

(Winners will be announced on February 26th).

(The Playlist)

A sh*t ton of kids, explosions, muscular women, a boa constrictor, and clown tears. Tonight’s TV Preview is my 12th birthday all over again.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

OCTOMOM: THE INCREDIBLE UNSEEN FOOTAGE
Network: FOX
Time: 8 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: She rose to infamy earlier this year when she popped out eight kids in a bid to get rich and famous on TV. Of course her plan failed as no network would sink to the level of exploita– oh right. I forgot that FOX exists. Their ethics are as loose as her womb.

BOBB’E SAYS
Network: CARTOON NETWORK
Time: 8 – 8:30PM

Reasons to watch: Hilarious kid actor Bobb’e J. Thompson has a new show where he gives advice on style, success, and gaining popularity. Can a thirteen year-old really dispense useful sage wisdom? This one can. Did you see Role Models? He’s wise beyond his years. In fact, his precociousness has led to some debate at Screen Junkies HQ. Patrick reckons that he’s an adult in a kid’s body a la Andy Milonakis and I purport that he’s actually an eternal child vampire a la Kirsten Dunst in Interview With The Vampire.

XXX: STATE OF THE UNION
Network: FX
Time: 8 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: When history looks back, the original XXX will be remembered as being completely stupid. It was so dumb that I’m surprised the filmmakers managed to save some retarded for the sequel. At least this time around they ditch the extreme sports junkie angle and get down to a more straight-up action movie. After all, the action is all this movie has to offer. I recommend watching it with the volume turned off.

TRAGIC SIDE OF COMEDY
Network: BIOGRAPHY
Time: 9 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: This special focuses on the tragic lives of comedians. Amongst those profiled are John Belushi, Farley, and Phil Hartman. Twelve years later and Farley’s absence is still sorely felt. Our current funny fat guys have really got to step it up. I’m just chuckling over here. Not guffawing.

MAN VS. WILD
Network: DISCOVERY
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Tonight, Bear Gryll’s has to contend with a 9-foot boa constrictor. Well, he doesn’t have to. He chooses to. Just like the picture above where he chooses to eat a zebra carcass. This guy is nuts. He’s like a Tom Green that housewives want to bang.

TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY
Network: E!
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The world of female bodybuilding is explored. If you have any love or respect for your penis, you’ll read a book. A book with pictures of non-swollen women in it.

WHO’S ON LATE

LETTERMAN
Mike Myers; Ken Burns

CONAN (repeat)
Judd Apatow; Meryl Streep; The Fray

KIMMEL (repeat)
Katherine Heigl; David and Shaun Cassidy

FERGUSON
Dane Cook; Peter Travers

FALLON (repeat)
Betty White; Opie and Anthony; Martha Wainwright

Mr. Janus, Mr. T, and Mr. Kotter. Tonight’s TV preview is very polite when applying monikers.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

BIOGRAPHY: MR. T
Network: Biography
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Once upon a time I met Mr. T and asked, "Hey Mr. T., how are you?" His natural response was: "I’m like Tony the Tiger! I’m GREEEEAAAATTTTTT!!!! All you other TV shows, you’d better eat your grubs and you’d better eat your protein cuz T is back on TV where he belongs!!! AYE-YAYE-YAYE-YAYE-YAYE!!!!"

No lie. Find out what makes this guy tick tonight at 8pm.

HELL’S KITCHEN
Network: FOX
Time: 8- 9PM

Reasons to watch: The winners of tonight’s contest receive volleyball tips from 2000 Olympian Annett Davis. Volleyball tips. Really? Is that a thing of value outside of homo-erotic ’80′s movies? "Excuse me, Waiter. The meal was excellent. Do you accept ‘volleyball tips’ as payment? NO?! What planet are you from?"

THE TRUTH BEHIND THE SITCOM SCANDALS
Network: Biography
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Finally find out what really happened behind the scenes of Roseanne, Welcome Back Kotter, and The Facts Of Life. I bet that something went down with that Tootie. She always seemed like a shifty one.

SHAQ VS.
Network: ABC
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: To prove that he is the most dominant force in athletics, Shaquille O’Neal challenges a variety of players across the wide world of sports. In the series opener, Shaq takes on Steeler’s QB Ben Roethlisberger in a test of football skills. Can Roethlisberger survive a motorcycle accident AND a Shaq Attack?! We shall see…

PRIMETIME: THE OUTSIDERS
Network: ABC
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Juju Chang interviews those who have had contact with extraterrestrials as well as skeptics. If I were to ever make first contact with an alien species I, like most Americans, would kick it between the legs. You know, just to say I did it.

WHO’S ON LATE

LETTERMAN
Diane Kruger; Donald Trump; Billy Currington

CONAN (repeat)
Bruno; Stephen Moyer; Cirque de Soleil; Zumanity

KIMMEL (repeat)
Ashton Kutcher

FERGUSON
Kevin Bacon; Michael Irving

FALLON (repeat)
John Krasinski; Stephen Moyer
 

Not bad. If this truly is the film’s final armor, he’s gone from looking like a He-Man villain to a Thundercats villain. Upgrade. (/Film)

More morning news that will whip yo’ ass…

You may remember that back in July we alerted you to RoboGeisha, the only film brave enough to broach the subject of stabbing people in the eyes with shrimp tempura. Noboru Iguchi’s crazy Geishsploitation splatterfest is back with a second trailer and the awesome poster above. This movie just looks better and better all the time. Not only do the Geishas rock out to ba Paul McCartney covers but they can also continue to battle despite being sliced in two. Let’s see Tony Jaa pull that off. (Dread Central)

Peep the trailer and stick around for our morning links…

?????? / Robo-geisha (Trailer Two) – Watch more Funny Videos

Let’s get you squared away for the weekend. Tainted meat, spoiled pets, college hijinks, plane crashes, Neil Diamond, and Lucy Liu: Vampire Hunter round out what you should be watching. I should also note that you don’t want to miss the return of Battle Whale.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

NEIL DIAMOND — HOT AUGUST NIGHT: NYC
Network: CBS
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: The Godfather of Adult Contemporary Cock Jams is bringing his electricity to NYC for ONE NIGHT ONLY. This is a huge cause for celebration. 8PM on Friday, pre-game with Neil.
 

WHALE WARS
Network: ANIMAL
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: The team plans to poison the whale meat aboard the Japanese ship to make it worthless. Later Paul witnesses a brutal whale killing. And an act of vengeance pitches Battle Whale’s soul into a dark place. One from which there may be no coming back.

WHO’S ON LATE

LETTERMAN (repeat)
Sandra Day O’Connor; MSTRKRFT with John Legend

CONAN
Shaquille O’Neal;  Demetri Martin; Jack Ingram

KIMMEL
Jonah Hill; Mary McCormack; Ryan Sheckler

FERGUSON
Liza Minnelli; archaeologist Kara Cooney

FALLON
January Jones, Neal Brennan

SATURDAY, AUGUST 15th, 2009
 

BACK TO SCHOOL
Network: HBO
Time: 8:15 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: How can you look into those bulbous, leaky eyes and say ‘no’?
 

INSANELY PAMPERED HOLLYWOOD DOGS
Network: Style
Time: 10:30 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Tune in and find out why the terrorist hate us.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 16th, 2009
 

RISE: BLOOD HUNTER
Network: Syfy
Time: 7 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Lucy Liu returns from the grave to destroy the vampires that killed her. I don’t think this ever got a theatrical run. So let me get this straight. Lucy Liu made a movie worse than Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever??
 

HUDSON PLANE CRASH — WHAT REALLY HAPPENED?
Network: TLC
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Find out the real truth about what brought Flight 1549 down on that chilly, winter day. And find out why the birds would attack us like that after years of peace. Can we peacefully co-exist again or is it time for Operation: Chase After Some Pigeons With A Weed Whacker?

Bryan Singer is in talks to bring a big screen version of Battlestar Galactica to theaters. Originally he was set to develop the television series reboot in 2001 but was c-blocked by the Taliban. The gig later went to Ron Moore and the rest is history. No word yet on the creative direction of the feature but let’s hope it wraps up a little tighter than the new series did. I find it kind of odd that Universal is already rebooting a franchise that practically just completed its successful run. If this is the new norm, can we get a do-over on Transformers 2? (Hit Fix)

Check out these morning links before they get remade…

Blindfolds, bickering, shackles, mounds of snow, and serious daddy issues. All things you might find in Pamela Anderson’s bedroom. Your TV preview begins now!

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

STAR WARS EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI
Network: Spike TV
Time: 9PM – Midnight

Reasons to watch: Ahh, Return of the Jedi. The final chapter in the Star Wars saga. Go back to a more simple time before George Lucas took your childhood and dunked it in the shitter flushing repeatedly. I’ll take Ewoks over that pod race anyday.

MAN VS. WILD
Network: Discovery
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Bear goes to the Arctic Circle to hunt wild reindeer. Nice try Grylls. We all know that you’re secretly hunting Santa. You keep out of that workshop, you hear me? Those toys are for ALL OF US.

CRISS ANGEL: MINDFREAK
Network: A&E
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: In the opener for Season 5, the wizard is shackled and buried alive in a transparent coffin beneath ice and snow. I’ve heard of being buried beneath snow. And I’ve heard of being buried beneath ice. But never the two together. Consider my mind freaked!

The world’s greatest zombie comic book is shuffling its way toward a small screen adaptation. The ridiculously rad Frank Darabont is in final talks to write and direct The Walking Dead for AMC. If you’re unfamiliar with the books, the story centers on a group of strangers who must fight for survival in a zombie-infested world. Though the focus is on how we deal with one another once society and the creature comforts crumble, there is quite a bit of disturbing gore throughout. This is super exciting and Darabont is the perfect choice to helm. I’m also very excited that zombies will finally be brought to the small screen. The zombies on The Hills don’t count because those are fast zombies. (/Film)

Sink your teeth into these fleshy morning links…

WHO’S ON LATE?

LETTERMAN

Paula Abdul, Elvis Costello, Neil Patrick Harris

CONAN

Jon Hamm, Cobra Starship and Estelle

KIMMEL

Ty Pennington, David Sedaris, the Jonas Brothers

FERGUSON

Mitch Alborn, Bonnie Raitt with Taj Mahal

FALLON

Ashton Kutcher, Triple H, Bat for Lashes

1980′s nostalgia continues to boom at Paul Reubens has announced that he’ll be dusting off the red bow-tie. The LA Times reports that Pee-wee Herman will perform onstage in Hollywood this November for a limited engagement at the Music Box @ Fonda. Perhaps if this run is successful it will lead to the big screen productions Reubens has been trying to get off the ground for the last nine years. The actor stated, "I’ve put part of him away for a long time but part of him has always been here with me. I think it will be like riding a bike — which is not a bad analogy for Pee-wee, by the way." Although his humor is off the beaten track, I’m glad that Reubens decided to pound the pavement and put this show together. His laziness was beginning to rub me the wrong way. On an unrelated note, I wonder if he listens to The Strokes?

Check out these big adventurous morning links…

The Jona Brothers, Steve Harvey Paul Giamatti and the return of Sgt. Slaughter. Not only are they all on TV tonight but they were also all in my dream last night. The recurring one where I lead a rag-tag football team to victory in the All-City Championship. Go Warthogs!

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

TEEN CHOICE AWARDS 2009
Network: FOX
Time: 8 – 10pm

Reasons to watch: You should only watch this if your remote is lost and there’s a croc-filled moat between your couch and your television.
 

STEVE HARVEY: STILL TRIPPIN’
Network: BET
Time: 8 – 10:30pm
 

Reasons to watch: After all these years, Steve Harvey has still not found a cure for his trippin’ affliction. Trippin’itis effects thousands of Americans per year and it makes it virtually impossible to carry several chocolate cakes at once. Please tune in tonight and help raise awareness about this debilitating condition.

GOING POSTAL: 15 MOST SHOCKING ACTS OF VIOLENCE
Network: E!
Time: 8 – 10pm

Reasons to watch: Apparently the ‘E’ stands for ‘exploitation’ as the vapid gossip network ranks various school shootings and other national tragedies in order of popularity. This is a weird move for the channel. When I think E! and violence, I think Naomi Campbell throwing phones, not Hitler youth throwing pipe bombs.
 

WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW
Network: USA
Time: 9 – 11pm

Reasons to watch: Sergeant Slaughter punches his way out of whatever rock pile he’s been hiding under to host tonight’s episode of RAW. It’s nice to know that even in this turbulent economy with unemployment numbers soaring past any others in recorded history that Sergeant Slaughter is getting work. I was worried for him but now I can breathe.
 

ANIMAL COPS: PHOENIX
Network: Animal Planet
Time: 10 – 11pm

Reasons to watch: A dog left for dead is rushed to the hospital and a puppy owner disputes the need for a professional to apply a splint to her pet’s broken leg. Question, what the hell is going on in Phoenix that a show about abused animals was able to have enough footage to make a weekly spin-off set in their city? Is Michael Vick the mayor?
 

CHARLIE ROSE
Network: PBS
Time: 11pm – 12am

Reasons to watch: Tonight the iconic interviewer sits down with Wikipedia co-founder Jimmy Wales and Hypno-Toad look-alike Paul Giamatti.

WHO’S ON LATE?

LETTERMAN (repeat)
Paris Hilton, Steven Wright, jockey Calvin Borel

CONAN
Kyra Sedgewick, Hugh Dancy, Lyle Lovett

KIMMEL (repeat)
Zooey Deschanel, Al Sharpton, Jewel

FERGUSON
Carrot Top (?), Alexis Bledel

FALLON
Eric Bana, Jordana Spiro, Fall Out Boy

Snuggie for Dogs – As Seen on TV Network – Watch more Funny Videos

Warm your pups with these morning links…

Bickering, big guns, bikinis, bad weather, and burning the %#@& out of your mouth. Tonight’s TV preview makes use of alliteration!

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

25 MOST MEMORABLE SWIMSUIT MOMENTS
Network: E!
Time: 8-10PM

Reasons to watch: This is the perfect opportunity to bone up on your memorable swimsuit knowledge. I can only think of 20 memorable swimsuit moments so I’m definitely going to tune in. My memory isn’t what it used to be ever since I started drinking gasoline.

THE CORE
Network: FX
Time: 8-11PM

Reasons to watch: An anomaly in the Earth’s core causes deadly electricity storms to attack our most famous monuments. And since we paid a lot of money for those monuments, that behavior isn’t going to be tolerated. Who better to travel to the Earth’s core in a huge drill car and put it in it’s place? Why, a team of sexy scientists of course. Mother Nature, when will you learn that there isn’t a problem you can throw at us that we can’t throw a team of sexy scientists at?

MAN V. FOOD
Network: TRAVEL CHANNEL
Time: 9:30-10PM

Reasons to watch: Adam is given the task of having to eat twelve hot wings soaked in habanero sauce within ten minutes. If the Children International people find out about this food being consumed for sport, they’re going to be REALLY MAD at you guys.

MICHAEL & MICHAEL HAVE ISSUES
Network: COMEDY CENTRAL
Time: 10:30-11PM

Reasons to watch: Michael is upset that Michael isn’t handling his fair share of the workload. Which Michael isn’t working and which Michael is upset? I’m not going to tell you. You’ll have to tune in to find out.

LOCK N’ LOAD WITH R. LEE ERMEY
Network: HISTORY
Time: 11PM-12AM

Reasons to watch: Everyone’s favorite Leatherneck, R. Lee Ermey, has a new show where he shouts things and shoots big, honkin’ guns. If you’re not a fan of loud noises might I suggest you curl up with a warm glass of milk and a copy of Understanding Your Vagina as an alternative? Now in it’s third printing.

WHO’S ON LATE?

LETTERMAN (repeat)
Johnny Depp, Megan Fox

CONAN
Sienna Miller, Steve Schirripa

KIMMEL
Vanessa Hudgens, Eli Roth

FERGUSON
Wolf Blitzer

FALLON
Chris Kattan

Dennis Haskins, better known as Mr. Belding, is upset about being left out of the Saved By The Bell reunion that People magazine recently put together. Apparently Zack and the show’s other main actors would only reunite if "creepy" Belding and Screech were excluded. "I earned the right to be there. If anybody deserved to be on that cover, it was Dennis Haskins," the actor explained to the Detroit News. "I want people to know it was not my choice not to be there, because I would have been there. It hurts my feelings, but I’ll live." Not cool, you guys. Belding is just as much a part of the show as the rest of you. Just because he always leers at Jessie’s chest while saying with a lecherous smile, "Loved you in Showgirls," is not reason enough to freeze him out. This is just like televise high school all over again. (NY Mag)

Have a gander at these morning links…

Cold sausage, bowel movements, bowling trophies, Dracula puppets, and a bikini-clad Kristen Bell. If more than one of these turns you on, you’ve got issues my friend. Tonight’s TV preview will try not to judge you.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

HELL’S KITCHEN
Network: FOX
Time: 8-9PM

Reasons to watch: The contestants are challenged with making perfectly-proportioned 6-inch sausages. At dinner service, Drew Lachey, John O’Hurley, Tom Green, Melinda Clarke, Chris "Kid" Reid and Kristy Swanson are served cold and salty food. Naturally Gordon Ramsey is not happy. How dare you serve Kristy Swanson salty, cold sausage!

CLASSIC BOWLING: 2007: PBA MOTOR CITY CLASSIC
Network: ESPN Classic
Time: 9-10PM

Reasons to watch: I’m sure that you’ll never forget November 4th, 2007 as Walter Ray Williams Jr. took home the prize in Taylor, Michigan. I know I certainly won’t. It was like watching The Almighty himself out there on them lanes and the reason I named my little girl Walter Ray Williams Jr. Johnson.

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL
Network: Cinemax
Time: 10PM-12AM

Reasons to watch: If you’re a fan of Freaks and Geeks, you’ve known for a long time how talented Jason Segel is. In fact, most of his follow-up work has been on-par as well. The Segel-scripted Sarah Marshall is no exception. Fair warning: it does feature schlong. How much? More than Risky Business, less than Amistad. You’ll survive.
 

SOUTH PARK
Network: COMEDY CENTRAL
Time: 10:30-11PM

Reasons to watch: Tonight’s episode of the Emmy Award Winning series is titled More Crap. The story follows Stan’s dad as he sets a record for his impressive bowel movement. Not one to be upstaged when it comes to awards, U2′s Bono throws his goofy cowboy hat into the ring. This is a fantastic dressing-down of Bono. How dare he try to help the world?

WHO’S ON LATE?

LETTERMAN (repeat)
Jonah Hill, Kelly Clarkson

CONAN
Jeremy Piven, human cannonballs

KIMMEL
Ashton Kutcher, Nigel Lythgoe

FERGUSON
Tony Shalhoub, Minka Kelly

FALLON
Channing Tatum, Joan Rivers, Arctic Monkeys

Although his name has been attached to a slew of projects recently, Steven Spielberg has set his sights on Harvey as his next to direct. James Stewart starred in the original as a man who’s best friend is a six-foot tall invisible rabbit. No word yet on casting or the unnecessary special effects that will bastardize this remake but let’s see, who in Hollywood could pull off a protagonist who sees things that may or may not be there? Joaquin Pheonix, put down your microphone and dookie gold ropes. Steven Spielberg needs you. (The Playlist)

Check out these other morning links…

Dispute settled. Futurama cast returns. (/Film)
Tom Arnold is full of sh*t. (MTV)
What Michael Moore really wants to do is direct. (First Showing)
Mary-Ann from True Blood. What up with her? (TV Squad)
Rob Marshall is going to make Pirates 4 faaabbbbuuullllooouuussss! (Empire)

[No, colons are not movie code for “Robot Plot.”]

Robots are on the A-List now, but they didn’t always have it so good.  Here are five cinematic robots that just didn’t work (as they were intended):
 

T-800 from Terminator

Program: Kill Sarah Connor, period.

If you remember, in the near future, robots take over the earth with an aim to destroy all of mankind. Can you blame ‘em? But, there’s a group of Resistance soldiers – human, natch – trying to keep it from happening. So the robots, led by Skynet, send Arnie (“The Schwarz”), as T-800, back in time to kill the Resistance’s leader’s mom. Now, that’s just cold. So, the Resistance sends their own man (only one of them) to save her and her unborn son (and a lot more than that, boom shaka wow wow!). Of course, if we are led to believe that robots are pretty much infallible in the pursuit of their programmed target, we’d have written off human existence (Even Honda’s Asimo robot would have taken us over by now). But, like all new technology, the bugs still needed to be worked out and the T-800 had a few of them (as did Skynet).

Bug: He failed.

First off, as a lot of fanboys would tell you, the T-800s program was to systematically kill all Sarah Connors, alphabetically, living in Los Angeles. That was to guarantee that the right Sarah Connor was killed. Of course, some sort of logic system wasn’t built in, because the T-800 probably could have saved himself some bullets. Or, alternatively, it may have just killed off a slew of innocent Sarah Connors in Los Angeles, failing to understand that the real Sarah Connor might have lived in Thousand Oaks. Either way, T-800 decided to “save the best for last” and therefore gave Reese (the Resistance’s “Timecop”) enough time to catch up to the real Sarah Connor, proving that the human brain still can’t be messed with when it comes to finding the correct Sarah Connor in clutch situations.

The T-800 failing, and being crushed to death by a waitress, can’t all be blamed on its own dubious deductive reasoning. If Skynet was such the super-processing computer as we are led to think it is, you would think that it would find out instantly, as soon as the T-800 was FedEx’d to 1984, that “Plan A” didn’t work, and maybe waiting till technology improved (the T-1000) wouldn’t be the best idea. They’re robots! Just manufacture an army of them (à la Attack of the Clones), bubble wrap ‘em, and send a whole fleet after Sarah Connor. I start to wonder what sort of villain Skynet will be in the upcoming Terminator: Salvation. Based on the first three films, it seems to be a military general on par with General Mills.

And, speaking of robots built to kill…

JOHNNY 5 from Short Circuit

Program: Do as NOVA Laboratories say and be weapon.

Originally, Graham Crosby (Steve Guttenberg) had created the robots as music-playing chore-doers (think Rosie the Robot Maid 1.0), but because this is America, some ornery-looking guy riveted on a couple heat-seeking missiles , slapped an American flag on ‘em, and pushed them into Military pre-production.

Bug: They aren’t weather-proof.

During the grand introduction of the “Rocket ‘Em Socket ‘Em” weaponized Smart Cars, lightning strikes the compound, frying the motherboard of one Johnny the Fifth. Johnny 5 then goes berserk and decides time is better spent reading books, making breakfast, and trying to woo Ally Sheedy than blowing up a tank. Obviously, Johnny 5 missed his formative times as an 8-year-old boy. You would think that if the military was so invested in the robots, they would have thrown NOVA Laboratories a few extra bucks to snap on some sort of ground wire to each of the ‘bots.

That said, here’s a couple of other robots without ground wires…

THE PROTECTORS in Chopping Mall

Program: Be unarmed mall cops.

Secure-Tronics created a system of mall-patroling “Protector” robots as a security measure for ne’er-do-wells and punk kids breaking into the mall after hours. The goal was to make them taser unwelcome guests and notify the police.

Bug: Lasers.

For whatever reason, Secure-Tronics added lasers to their not-to-be-violent securo-bots. So when they, like Johnny 5, got fried from a lightning bolt, they started lasering first and asking questions later. Of course, unwitting teenage sexpots are trapped in the mall with those “destructicons” because Secure-Tronics thought another good addition would be steel doors that are secured at midnight and not re-opened until the following business day. It begs to question, what’s the point of having a robotic fleet of security guards in a mall no one can break into, let alone break out of?

Another private company that entered moviedom’s automized security industry was OCP, makers of…

ED-209 in Robocop

Program: Be better than Robocop.

Detroit’s economy failed (yes, in the movie, too), so the city sells itself out to mega-ultra-conglomerate Omni Consumer Products (OCP). They plan to replace Detroit with an utopian upgrade – Delta City, only they need more cops, because there’s too much crime, corruption, and general anarchy in “Old Detroit.” Since cops are on short supply, it’s left up to a couple of OCP executives to come up with solutions. Ronny Cox heads up the ED-209 project. Miguel Ferrer heads up Robocop.

Bug: Being ED-209.

To be fair, it’s not easy to be better than Robocop. For one thing, Robocop has mastered stairs. But when ED-209 fails in his first demonstration of fair and balanced justice (by shooting another OCP executive), the doors open for Robocop to succeed. So it’s hard to judge poor, old Ed on one poor performance – and in Detroit 2.0, no one is given a second chance (you hear that, GM?). Robocop is an instant hit with the kids, and Ed is put on the back shelf, only to be brought back in the end. Really, instead of shelving him, they should have tinkered, adjusted, tightened bolts – or do whatever it would take to give Ed a chance Knowing OCP, they were probably all too busy counting the profits coming in from their bestselling S.U.X. 6000. But, as one of Robocop’s final “labors,” he puts in a quick stress test on ED-209, and Ed flunks like an oafish turtle.

ED shares more than one link with another quick-drawing (and shooting) robot…

THE GUNSLINGER in Westworld

Program: Give adults a good role-playing experience.

WestWorld is one of the three “worlds” in an adult theme park, Delos. Think of it as a place that a burned-out accountant can spend a crap load of money pretending he’s Wild Bill Hickock. So, you know, relaxing. Delos’s “imagineers” have created picture-perfect androids to play the supporting roles in the vacationer’s western experience. And, because it’s the west, fanny-pack wearing tourists are issued guns – but it’s okay, they only react with the androids.

Bug: Robots start killing people.

Thanks to a crack robotics-team, an unexpected, and unprepared for, bug shifts all the Androids to kill mode. One, in particular, the Gunslinger, looks to make his mark on the cinematic body count records, chasing our hapless hero through the entire Delos park, until the Gunslinger is put to rest after falling down some steps (ED-209 style). Michael Crichton wrote and directed this flick 17 years before his “untested amusement park” novel, Jurassic Park.

Here are a few more movie robots that didn’t quite make our list, but screwed up all the same:

CHERRY 2000 in Cherry 2000
The skinny: A robot wife is constructed with fragile parts and her husband breaks her. If there are any inventors out there, dedicating themselves to perfecting a robot wife, I quit.

THE TEACHERS in Class of 1999
The skinny: In the gloomy future of post-grunge Seattle, “bad kids” are fenced into a “Free Fire Zone,” and local principal takes on new cyborg teachers with a penchant for discipline. Cast Stacy Keach, Pam Grier, and Malcolm McDowell in a Mark L. Lester film (exclusive, contributing writer here on ScreenJunkies), ramp up the robotic mishaps, and you’ve got yourself cinema gold.

EVE VIII in Eve of Destruction
The skinny: Eve VIII starts to get painful memories from her creator, making her a one-stop kill-shop. Gregory Hines, meanwhile, does his best Jack Bauer impression.

ALL ROBOTS & WILL SMITH in I, Robot
The skinny: Will Smith acts more robotic than his castmates in a script probably written by a “Speak & Spell.” Harlan Ellison (writer of an unproduced draft more than 20 years prior) has a right to be angry – I, Robot 2 is currently in development.

AMEE in Red Planet
The skinny: AMEE gets jammed in military mode and kills all the human Mars-o-Nauts.

THE ROTTWEILER in Rottweiler
The skinny: A robot dog is made to hunt down fugitives – a bad, bad, bad, BAD dog.

THE RED R2 UNIT in Star Wars Ep. IV: A New Hope
The skinny: Uncle Owen proves his choices in droids aint’ what they used to be, and the R2 unit’s head explodes like an old dishwasher, before he can put him to good R2 use – like thwarting Darth Vader and the Empire.

E.D.I. in Stealth
The skinny: In the future, humans decide robots should fly planes in wars, but then E.D.I. goes rogue (a bit power hungry probably) and Ray Charles has to take it down.

WALL-E in WALL-E
The skinny: He gives up a no-paying job cleaning up after the humans in the name of love. Where’re your priorities WALL-E?

So, future robot engineers, I implore you, get a quality assurance team. We understand that when you make a robot, you want it to work as programmed and not go haywire and kill thousands of people (unless that’s what you want it to do). And, if you haven’t learned anything, learn this – remote control OFF switch.

Fanboys, make your peace in the comments section below.

– ROSS CONKEY

Ross Conkey is a freelancer writer living in Chicago.  He’s working on a film in which the real Keith David can fight a robot Keith David.  Whoever wins, we win.