Please read on, and if you ever find yourself in a Friday the 13th film, learn from the mistakes of others. The life you save will be your own.

Ignoring Locals

If you’re new to an area, it’s common practice to ask a local which restaurant or bar they recommend. So why would you ignore them when they warn you not to go into the woods? Granted, they are sometimes vague with their warnings, but if I stop in at a diner and a slack-jawed yokel warns me to stay away from Camp Blood because “it’s HIS camp,” and folks go missing there, I’m inclined to listen. Sorry, gang. Camping trip’s over. Let’s backtrack to that Dave & Buster’s we passed.

Getting Wasted

Camping wouldn’t be half as much fun without drugs and alcohol. But these need to be enjoyed in moderation. You need to keep your wits about you. What if a wolf or bear or hockey mask-adorned living corpse were to attack your campsite? What then? No great escape was ever made by running in a wobbly line.

Hey, everybody! James Cameron has something important to say about the dangers of using 3D technology in an inappropriate manner, so listen up!

I tend almost never to throw other films under the bus, but (Piranha 3D) is exactly an example of what we should not be doing in 3-D. Because it just cheapens the medium and reminds you of the bad 3-D horror films from the 70s and 80s, like Friday the 13th 3-D. When movies got to the bottom of the barrel of their creativity and at the last gasp of their financial lifespan, they did a 3-D version to get the last few drops of blood out of the turnip.

First of all, comparing Piranha 3D to Friday the 13th Part III is like comparing Kim Kardashian to the cast of "The View." Both are incredibly stupid, but one is still fun to watch if you’re in the mood (for porn). Piranha 3D knew what it was supposed to be, and it hit the mark. Critics agree, and its Rotten Tomatoes ranking rivals that of Avatar (not that the two movies should be compared). Why should a film that is meant to be nothing more than a fun, summer gore-fest be excluded from using 3D technology? Not every 3D film needs to be a smug, ham-fisted retread of Dances with Wolves.

Second, if you want to talk about squeezing blood from a turnip, how about Avatar Special Edition, which is charging fans roughly $15 dollars to see a movie that was still in theaters less than a year ago. Oh, let’s not forget the eight minutes of extra footage, which comes out to about $2 per new minute. At the end of the day, if people want to pay $15 to see Avatar again, good for Cameron. But if those same people want to pay to see fish dismembering topless girls, who is he to judge? (Vanity Fair via Movie Line)