By Guest Columnist and Confederate Apologist Archibald McClintock VI
Based on Seth Grahame-Smith's novel of the same name, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter has been acquired by Fox. The film will be directed by Timur Bekmambetov, with Tim Burton on board as a producer. Of course these lily-livered Hollywood elitists can not build up the image of a man as loathsome as our 16th chief executive without first tearing down the reputation of Dixie.
"The 'new' history finds Lincoln discovering that Southern plantation owners aren't using slaves for labor, but blood as they are actually evil creatures of the night. This causes Lincoln to become an Abolitionist and the true motives for the Civil War are born."
The brave sons and daughters of the Confederacy will not sit idly by as the South's good name is dragged through the mud. Any historian worth a damn knows that cases of vampirism in the Antebellum South were minimal, and confined to Papists in Louisiana. I intend to write a letter to all parties involved with this drivel right after I finish cooking meth, watching Nascar, and sleeping with my cousin. (HitFix)
They didn't even get the chance to shoot cool promo materials.
"Lone Star" is cancelled. The show was considered by many to be the best and brightest of the new season, but after two low-rated airings was put out to pasture by Fox. It's a shame too. I was one of the four people who caught the first episode, and really dug it. Yes, it set itself up to be a little soapy but showed a pride and production value that you don't get with many shows nowadays. The network has pulled all future episodes from the schedule and will replace with new episodes of "Lie to Me." And if that doesn't work, there's always "House" re-runs. As anyone with the USA Network knows. (EW)
I was the only person who liked “Running Wilde” when they sent the original pilot out over the summer. I thought it was very Mitch Hurwitz-y, it made me laugh and I could see where it was going for a series. Of course, I like things no one else likes so they’re not going to cater a show to me. I like the reshot version of the show a little less, but maybe this is what the general public will like.
Will Arnett plays Steven Wilde, a rich trust fund baby who’s somewhat Gob-y, although he was more Gob-y in the original version so maybe one of the notes was “less Gob-y.” He’s somewhat self-centered and oblivious to the world around him. That’s not to say that Arnett is rehashing his character, it’s just funny to base a show around that type of main character and then take him somewhere he couldn’t go as part of an ensemble.
More after the jump…
“Raising Hope” is the kind of edgy comedy I want to see on TV. I don’t want to spoil anything because you should experience it fresh like I did, but I could not believe what I was watching. They’re putting this on TV?! And they should. It’s the same half hour whether they go crazy or play it safe, so just go crazy.
The setup it takes to make Jimmy (Lucas Neff) a single dad is outrageous. By about 10 minutes in, I couldn’t believe how far they took it. I don’t know if they’re going to be able to do this every week, but I hope so. Aside from the shocking dark comedy, the humor is just joyfully immature. They say “wiener” and that makes me smile. The characters’ behaviors are so outrageous and politically incorrect, only Fox would put this show on.
I know from previous writing experience that “Bones” fans hate spoilers, yet they love to read about “Bones.” I respect that. I don’t want to ruin anything for you, but I know you want to know about the season premiere, so I’ll be as vague as possible and just try to tell you what’s good so you can look forward to it.
Seeing some different settings in the opening of the show is cool. Fans probably know where the characters have gone off to, but just in case I’ll leave that up to the imagination. Wherever they are, it adds a little epic feel, even if it was shot locally. It adds some action and a chance for characters to bring their unique qualities to a different world. The ladies get a chance to be sexy too.
More after the jump…
I know “Lone Star” is Fox’s big push for the fall and a lot of critics like it already, but I wasn’t into it. It may just be personal taste, but I just don’t care about con artists and oil companies in Texas. Maybe that’s your thing, but here’s what I didn’t like about it.
First of all, there are so many turns in the first episode that you can’t really get a handle on what you’re watching. Maybe three surprises an episode is exciting, but it doesn’t give you any time to get involved before it pulls the rug out from under you. Not that the twists are unpredictable.
More after the jump…
If minor spoilers frighten you, turn back now. “The Cleveland Show” season premiere opens with Cleveland behaving really inappropriately with children. Donna even joins him. Probably the best development of Cleveland’s character in his spinoff is that he’ll get really angry and swear. He’s not the harmless neighbor anymore, but his anger is really only personal frustration.
This is another Kanye West episode. You may remember, or you may be hearing for the first time right now, that he plays local rap artist Kenny West. He seems to have a good sense of humor, giving voice to Kenny’s self-referential comment on the women in his videos, and dissing Rock of Love.
More after the jump…
I sort of gave up on “American Dad” a while ago but if it’s always as edgy as this episode, I might have to put it back in my rotation. This episode’s not coasting on the one joke of right wing pro-Americana and it’s even got lots of pop culture references, even without the cutaway setup of “Family Guy.”
The 100th episode of “American Dad” promises to kill 100 characters. They put up a death counter and they keep playing with it. Then it totally cheats which is actually the only funny way to pay off that gag.
More after the jump..
The new comedy “Raising Hope” is a family show, Fox-style. Jimmy (Lucas Neff) still lives at home with his parents (Martha Plimpton and Garret Dillahunt) and grandma (Cloris Leachman). They’re…
I’m not spoiling anything for “House” fans by saying that House and Cuddy got together at the end of last season. That’s what we’ve been waiting six years for and spent all summer thinking about.
I’ll discuss it vaguely, so skip this if you don’t want to know ANYTHING. I love the way they came back, I love the way they handled it, I love the character moments it offered for both actors. There, is that too spoiler-y? Oh, can I say it’s hot too? Something that happens in this episode is hot. But I won’t ruin the dirty details, I'll just give you the skinny.
More after the jump…
Fox has turned to Jamie Foxx to fill the offensively-unfunny-sketch-comedy-show shaped hole left by the cancellation of "Mad TV." The network picked up a twelve-episode order of "The Jamie Foxx Project," a half-hour sketch series that will skewer pop culture with a diverse cast of comedians, for mid-season.
Hopefully this won't delay the Skank Robbers film we were promised. Because we still want that. (Deadline)
"Lone Star" is Fox’s biggest push for the new TV season. It’s their hour-long drama about a con artist playing both sides in the Texas oil industry. Relative newcomer James…
Twentieth Century Fox is putting together a cast for their latest version of the Fantastic Four, and Bruce Willis is reportedly at the top of their list to play the Thing. But Screen Rant is reporting that Kiefer Sutherland is also in contention for the role.
Since the character will be completely CGI, whoever is cast will be utilized primarily for voice over work. However, the actor will also make an appearance early on in the film as Ben Grimm, the Thing's identity before he was transformed into a rock monster.
Personally, I'm torn between the two actors. Both are more than qualified to play a pile of rocks. However, I give the slight edge to Kiefer since he's spent a good portion of his life "stoned."
Sorry. It's been a rough weekend.
The people of Queensland, Australia, might want to throw another shrimp on the barbie (unless shrimp falls into the whole shellfish/non-kosher category, in which case a nice brisket might be more in order).
Stephen Spielberg has chosen the land down under as the filming location for his new TV series, "Terra Nova," Coming Soon has confirmed.
"We wanted this ambitious series to look like no other on television and Queensland provided the best of all possible worlds," executive vice president of production, Jim Sharp added. "Queensland had the right look, climate and terrain…"
Considering the show is about a group of scientists from the future who travel back 85 million years to prehistoric Earth, I'm not exactly sure that's a ringing endorsement for Queensland tourism bureau.
Come to Queensland: "The Land That Time Forgot!"
Jennifer Lopez…in happier times.
With the departure of Ellen Degeneres from "American Idol," Fox has some big, sensible shoes to fill. And it looks like they'll be filling those shoes with Jennifer Lopez's giant ass.
Deadline is reporting that Lopez signed a secret deal to replace Degeneres sometime last week. However, producers are still looking for a replacement for Simon Cowell. Rumor has it that the reanimated corpse of Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler is the frontrunner. As you probably remember, Tyler killed himself after recording "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" for the Armaggedon soundtrack back in 1998.
Personally, I think the two are a perfect fit. Lopez will bring back the washed-up singer vibe perfected by Paula Abdul, and Tyler's beastly face will allow viewers to snicker and crack jokes, helping to fill the meanness void that will result from Cowell's departure.
I'm not even trying anymore.Today in Cuckoo Bananas News comes word that Javier Bardem will guest star on the next season of "Glee," and apparantly it was his idea. Bardem pitched the idea to Ryan Murphy, show creator and sex-banner, while working together on the set of Eat Pray Love. He explained to Entertainment Weekly in a gravelly, seductive voice that heretofore has only existed within the lust-soaked pages of Harlequin novels:“We’re going to rock the house,” enthuses Bardem, who became an unabashed Gleek after watching the entire first season in one week. “We’re going to do some heavy metal — Spanish heavy metal, which is the worst.” Whoa, whoa, whoa, Javier. DO NOT insult the work of Brujeria. You have no idea the amount of blood, sweat, and tears that went into making "The Mexicutioner." Granted, most of it was from groupies but still….
John Moore (Max Payne) wants to direct a 3D adaptation of the History Channel reality series "Ice Road Truckers." Taylor Lautner bailed on his Northern Lights aviation project, and now Moore says, "F*ck planes. I want big rigs." Him and a writer that he wouldn't name (because of the Russians) pitched a take to Fox studios that made their genitals tingle. That's usually the precursor to a greenlight. "It is very much a tough guy movie," Moore said. "Here's a bunch of characters who tackle problems by getting in there and getting things done. We'll turn it into a mission movie that harkens back to Towering Inferno, Jaws, or The Guns of Navarone. You got a problem, go solve it."So characters will be going into places and doing stuff and overcoming obstacles and then coming out of the places they went into, but in the cold and with 18-Wheelers carrying supplies for diamond miners and in 3D. I honestly have nothing snarky to say about that. Sounds like a good idea that's rife with conflict. Add ice to anything and chances of a fail increase exponentially. It's science. Or a smoothie. (Deadline)
Lord only knows where that finger has been.The soothsayers over at Hustler have done it again. Apparantly, the thought of the "Glee" cast rubbing their genitals together isn't a far-fetched scenario that exists only in parody porn and fan fiction. Ryan Murphy, the show's co-creator and producer, has been forced to ban sex in the kids' trailers. He creepily announced his decree to Telegraph UK:"But I have a rule: don't do it in your trailer. They've broken that rule on many occasions. I'm like, 'I know you guys are young and hormonal, but don't do it in your trailer'. I'm the dad, that's what I say'."This news makes me feel sad for the female castmembers. They must be so bored while all that sex is going on without them.
A talking rabbit once told me, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I turned that rabbit into a stew because I loathe miracles of science, but its words always stuck with me. Having said that, FOX released the trailer for the new Jack Black film Gulliver's Travels. It's based off the classic Jonathan Swift novel you haven't read, and also stars Emily Blunt, Amanda Peet, T.J. Miller, and Jason Segel. Basically a man-child goes to the Bermuda Triangle for a fluff news piece and ends up getting into an S&M type situation with little people. It's like that scene in Night at the Museum when Owen Wilson and Steve Coogan come to life, if that scene was over 90 minutes long. Your kids are gonna love it. Pack juice boxes for them and a couple Xanax for yourself. Oops, there go those mean words. Check out the trailer after the jump. Gulliver's Travels washes into theaters December 22, 2010.
Director: Rob LettermanCast: Jack Black, Emily Blunt, T.J. Miller, Amanda PeetSynopsis: In a contemporary re–imagining of the classic tale, Jack Black stars as Gulliver, a big–talking mailroom clerk who, after he’s mistakenly assigned a travel piece on the Bermuda Triangle, suddenly finds himself a giant among men when he washes ashore on the hidden island of Lilliput, home to a population of very tiny people.Release Date: December 22, 2010
With Simon Cowell leaving "American Idol," FOX is in need of a big hit. Instead they got these new shows. Nothing jumps out as a hit on paper, but they are bringing some star power to the network that will hopefully carry the new properties. Jon Voight took our advice and jumped into "Lonestar" while Will Arnett and Kerri Russell star in "Running Wilde." I'm assuming that Wilde is the last name of the show's protagonist, who surprisingly is not played by Just Wright's Queen Latifiah. GET A LOOK AT FOX'S NEW LINE-UP AFTER THE JUMP, BEFORE THEY'RE ALL CANCELED AND REPLACED BY "HOUSE" ENCORES…
When it comes to flops, you can't get much bigger than Gentlemen Broncos. And like a wounded solider crying out for his mother, filmmakers Jared and Jerusha Hess are longing to return to familiar territory after their critical and financial depantsing. The pair is currently in talks with Fox to develop a pilot based their first, and some would say only success: Napoleon Dynamite. Sources close to the story state that many of the actors from the film will return to lend their voices to the cartoon, including star Jon Heder, Efran Ramirez (Pedro), Aaron Ruell (Kip), and Jon Gries (Uncle Rico). No word on whether or not Tina Majorino will return as Deb. No story details have been revealed, but it seems likely that it would work mainly as a continuation of the film, which followed Napoleon through the hilarious awfulness of his day-to-day existence. I could make a joke about the fact that all of the original actors are "available" to do the voices, but hey, we can't all be successful "overnight writers" for screenjunkies.com. Besides, if you ask me, it sounds like a great plan. When Kevin Smith's career hit a rough patch, he developed an animated version of his first sucess, Clerks. He then went on to direct Jersey Girl. (Cinematical)
It looks like John McClane won't retire from the murdering people in ridiculous ways business anytime soon. The super cop, who was last seen surfing on a jet, is being given another go-'round by 20th Century Fox. The studio is in talks with A-Team screenwriter Skip Woods to pen a fifth adventure for Bruce Willis's iconic ass-kicker.Woods is the only appropriate choice to write this film. McClane has already killed terrorists with icicles, giant fans, and gravity on a few occasions. Not to mention the time he killed a helicopter by launching a car at it. Who better to team him with than the writer responsible for a tank fighting a jet miles above the earth? I'm going to be sorely disappointed if this film doesn't have Bruce Willis tie the muzzle of a rifle into a bow so that it explodes in the gunman's hands. That's clearly the direction Fox wants to go in. (THR)
For Cinco de Mayo, Robert Rodriguez dropped a package off at the home of his AICN homies, and it turned out to be the "illegal" trailer for Machete hidden underneath a pound of tamales. Alright, I'm not certain about the tamales, but it's how I deliver all of MY packages.
Ah, now all the kids on my bus route will get my Commando references. Fox has hired David Ayer (Harsh Times, Street Kings) to write and direct a remake of THE BEST FILM EVER. A former Navy soldier, Ayer is putting his own real world spin on the character formerly played by Schwarzenegger. This time around, the elite commando on a mission to rescue his daughter will be "less brawny, but more skilled in covert tactics and weaponry."Ayer now needs to figure out how to make the film car-centric. That's the only bump on the road to getting Jason Statham to agree to star. (Deadline)
We don't have to live in fear anymore, you guys. Fox has ordere– OH, HOLY F*CKSTICKS!!! WHAT THE POOP ARE THOSE IN THE PICTURE ABOVE????!!!!! From Variety:"Panic Attack" will be hosted by U.K.-based married psychotherapists and motivational coaches Nik and Eva Speakman."Panic" centers on a group of five participants who suffer from the same phobias. A team of therapists will help them face those fears.Through a series of challenges, the quintet will learn new ways to deal with those paralyzing fears — leading to one final, dramatic challenge. Friends and family will be brought in to watch their loved ones tackle that final test.So let me get this straight. Five people will have to live in a nightmare house haunted by life coaches with the fashion sense of a failed figure-skating duo. Talk about exposure treatment.First step is to identify your fear. Please look at the picture below and let me know what scares you the most.Next step is killing your fear with fire.
Jack didn't take it very well.FOX has decided to pull the plug on 24 after eight seasons. Climbing budgets, declining ratings, and writers being unable to figure out what the hell is left for Jack Bauer to save are the main reasons the show will air its final episode in May. NBC flirted with the idea of picking up 24 next season but after their accountants crunched the numbers they realized the content wasn't worth the cheddar.There's still the possibility of a 24 feature film that would take Jack Bauer to Europe, but there's also the possibility of an Arrested Development movie, and we all know how sluggishly that's been making its adaptation. I enjoyed 24 a great deal in its earlier years, but quickly got tired of the same "Tell me where the bomb is!" storyline week after week after week after week. It had a good run. I'm glad they're ending it before it jumps a terrorist shark strapped to the gills with C4. (THR)
Sons of Tucson — Premieres Sunday Mar. 14 at 9:30/8:30 C on FOX – Watch more Funny Videos Check out this featurette of the new FOX comedy Sons of Tucson. Reese from Malcolm in the Middle is producing, so there's a good chance it could be twisted fun. What's that? You want to know what it's about? Well allllright! In the tradition of Malcolm in the Middle, Sons of Tucson is a family comedy about three brothers who hire a charming, wayward schemer to stand in as their father when their real one goes to prison. What begins as a simple business relationship evolves into a totally f'ed up family situation. The three brothers find their dad-for-hire working at the local sporting goods store. Ron, who's living out of his car like a man's man, is forced to dig into a vast bag of skeevy tricks as he steps into the role of patriarch to the boys of the Gunderson family. Sons of Tucson premieres Tonight @ 9:30/8:30C on FOX.
Jack Bauer and the case of Now Where Did I Park My Car… In spite of rumors that Jack Bauer would be playing peek-a-boo with his grandchild for 24 episodes of this season of 24, it appears the writers came up with something a tad more action-y. Who knew that Jack wouldn't be content settling down and enjoying the simpler things in life? I knew, because men who gauge out eyes with Bic pens don't just trade that in for fishie faces and ants on a log. Below is a trailer and a featurette for the brand spankin' new 8th season of 24. Yes, Jack has had seven miserable, exhausting, terrorist-filled days and it looks like he's in store for another one. Maybe this season ends with him battling the lack of oxygen getting to his brain. In other words, a stroke, like most normal people would have faced by now. The official synopsis goes as such:
Look what you're doing to Jack Bauer, Time Warner Cable and FOX! He's whimpering! You've made Mr. 24 himself whimper. For shaaaaaaame.FOX said today that due to a back and forth bitchfest with Time Warner Cable, customers may be unable to see FOX programming next year. That includes House, 24, and American Idol (if you care about singing competitions). According to The Hollywood Reporter:Fox said it has for the past nine months attempted to "negotiate in good faith" with Time Warner Cable, the No. 2 U.S. cable operator, which serves some 14 million customers, and said those talks are ongoing.But there is a "very likely possibility that Time Warner Cable may choose to no longer carry Fox Broadcasting, Fox Cable and Fox regional sports programing," Fox said.Time Warner Cable confirmed that the talks are ongoing but said Fox's current demands "are unreasonable and excessive, especially in this economic climate.""We hope Fox won't punish our customers by taking their programing away while we try to reach an agreement," said spokeswoman Maureen Huff.Hey Time Warner, how about YOU don't punish your customers by pulling the plug on my House stories that I look forward to every week? Nine months should be long enough for two entities to figure out who pisses better. Come up with a number, reach an agreement, and let's get this thing done. The world wants to see Ellen DeGeneres and Simon Cowell fight about the Idol contestants' sexual orientation this Spring!