Note, not all of these pairings have the happiest outcomes, so we recommend that you consume this list with a lot of alcohol to dull the crushing pain of love down to a mere pinch.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

Luke and Leia – Star Wars

She ended up with Han Solo, but this brother and sister did have their moment. Granted, they weren’t aware of the fact that they were related, but that’s why you always do your due diligence. It’s not out of line to ask for a family tree or a potential suitor’s login ID and password to Ancestry.com.

So, no matter how poorly your Valentines Day is going, you can always say to yourself, “At least I’m not carrying on a romantic relationship with my sibling.”

Actually, I misspoke. You can’t always say that if you’re actually having a relationship with your sibling.

Harold and Maude – Harold and Maude

May-November romances are one thing, but Harold and Maude were carrying on an early-January-late December romances in this 1971 dark, dark comedy. While the age gap is the most notable oddity in their relationship, upon becoming familiar with the characters, the strangest aspect is actually that these two people are complete weirdos and probably deserve each other.

Harold is obsessed with death, making him a natural fit for Maude, who resides at death’s door at the age of 79. For those thinking that this might be a quirky film to enjoy tonight, let me divulge that (spoiler alert) Maude kills herself at the end of the film.

So maybe you should go see The Vow instead.

That’s how mine have gone. Your experiences may vary.

However, amid all the disappointing New Year’s Eve celebrations, there are a few gems. Similarly, this list is populated by several overhyped empty films, but peppered with a few memorable ones, as well.

So chill the champagne and tell the sitter you’ll be home by one, even though you have no intention of being back before 3 AM, because the new year is upon us.

The Godfather Part II

Say what you want about Batista, but the man can throw one hell of a New Year’s eve bash. There’s nothing that this party doesn’t have, including the Sicilian kiss of death from Michael Corleone to his brother Fredo after learning that Fredo betrayed the family. Batista announces that he is stepping down after rebels gain power, the party dissolves and everyone goes batshit crazy celebrating and rioting in the streets as the tides turn.

Much more interesting than watching the ball drop with either Ryan Seacrest or Dick Clark.

Trading Places

On this New Year’s Eve (possibly New Year’s Day), a man dressed in a gorilla suit got raped by an actual gorilla. There are some other occurrences germane to the plot, but the real takeaway here is that a man got raped by a gorilla.

Films shy away from depictions of running for this reason, but they don’t avoid it altogether. Below are seven runners who heroically (and impossibly) make running interesting, if only for a few seconds. Let’s congratulate these skinny, dorky entrants as we peruse the list, shall we?

Johann Retternberger - The Robber

We’ll kick off with a lesser-known, but nonetheless awesome German film about real-life marathoner Johann Kastenberger (fictionalized as Johann Rettenberger), who made name for himself as a very prolific bank robber. He was no recreational runner, but rather among his nation’s most elite, placing in and winning several races. His speed wasn’t able to keep him out of jail his whole career, though. I don’t want to give away any plot details, so check out the film (on Netflix Instant) for the story, or wait for the Americanized version, which is slated to star Andrew Garfield.

Babe Levy – Marathon Man

Marathon Man isn’t just a clever title. In this seminal film that will probably ruin dentists for you, Dustin Hoffman plays a marathoner NYC grad student who runs afoul of some Nazi holdouts who have designs on a WWII diamond selloff. Sure, the running here is only tangential to the plot, but running is a boring enough activity that any reference to it in films is enough to get fired up about. (Sorta. I guess.)

As far as vanilla marathon running PhD candidates go, Hoffman’s Babe Levy proves himself to be a pretty tough cookie.

Below are some fine films (except for maybe Saving Silverman) that demonstrate how the fairer sex can sometimes be totally unfair.

8. Ginger McKenna (Sharon Stone) – Casino

She’s a succubus, pure and simple. Imagine your dream girl. She could very well look like Sharon Stone. Then give her a crippling coke and pill habit. Then see to it that she bangs out your best friend, who happens to be Joe Pesci (Hey! You’re friends with Joe Pesci!) and also regularly grinds on her ex, a pimp named Lester.

I’m not done yet.

Then she ties your child to the bed so she can go out drinking. Then she tries to hightail it with James Woods (Lester) with all your money.

Is she still your dream girl? No. She’s your nightmare girl. A few months later you find out that she collapsed in a motel room hallway and died.

You’re smiling right now, aren’t you?

7. Debbie (Leslie Mann) – Knocked Up

No brainer. The character Mann played was the very definition of shrill. Not only was she bitchy to her husband, Paul Rudd’s character, but to Ben, Seth Rogen’s character, and even the doorman at the nightclub, played by Craig Robinson. Who can be mean to Craig Robinson? That’s insane. Her character was so abrasive that it caused Katherine Heigl to speak out against director Judd Apatow for vilifying women.

The final straw comes when she attempts to kick the schlubby Rogen out of the delivery room, only to have him blow up at her and kick her out. When he does this, she finally gains respect for him, which is endearing, but also means that she knows how awful she actually is, making her more awful.

Paul Rudd could do a lot better.

6. Patty (Sarah Silverman) – School of Rock

She essentially exists as the impetus for Jack Black to start schooling the kids in rock, so it’s natural that she would be written as a stone-cold B to her boyfriend. Sure, Silverman plays the sweet crass thing well, but when she turns it on, she can be a snippy as she is funny. This is what happens when sweet girls use their powers for evil instead of good.

5. Jenny (Robin Wright) – Forrest Gump

Well, he was there for her when her she was being abused in her house, he saved her from near-suicide in the disco era, and he cared for her while she was dying of AIDS. What did she do for him? She slept with him then popped in and out of his life as she saw fit, taking his help, then running away to go bang whatever stereotype of the era was around (hippie, clubrat, whatever).

Forrest may not be a smart man, but he does know what love is. Which is more than we can say for Jenny. Even when she shows up with Haley Joel Osment, it’s too little, too late. My baby mama’s have the decency to tell me that I’m the father while they’re still carrying. It’s common courtesy, and we’re losing it in this age of The Twitter and Friendster.

4. Melissa (Rachel Harris) – The Hangover

Sure, she’s a character crafted to be over-the-top ridiculous so we don’t feel bad when Ed Helm’s Stu strays from his vows and bangs out Heather Graham’s stripper, but you know what? It works?

Her disdain for everything that’s not about her is palpable. Just thinking of it makes me want to roger Heather Graham right now.

3. Judith (Amanda Peet) – Saving Silverman

The title of this goes beyond the millennial convention of simply slapping a title of (blank)ing (blank) onto a film and watching the money roll in. Silverman’s best friends, played by Steve Zahn and Jack Black really are trying to save him. So I guess technically, it could be said that Jack Black is a savior. It needn’t be, but it could.

Peet’s character is pretty much awful from the moment we see her, but Jason Bigg’s protagonist is willing to look past all that cause she’s pretty hot. That’s something we can all forgive. The fact that she keeps thwarting the bumbling, well-intentioned friends just fans our fury. Steve Zahn doesn’t deserve to be treated that way.

2. (Cookie) Catherine O’Hara – Best in Show

While most entrants on this list are unspeakably cruel at worst and painfully grating at best, Catherine O’Hara’s Cookie Fleck is just unspeakably misguided. Well, that and it sounds like she used to be a ginormous slut with most everyone in the incestuous world of international dog shows. Who knew that they were having so much sex?

However, it’s easy enough to hide a promiscuous past, but Cookie seems to throw it in the face of her husband, played by a patient, but at-the-end-of-his-rope Eugene Levy. He dismisses the allegations playfully, claiming that she has had “dozens of boyfriends,” but she quickly interrupts him to chime in, “Hundreds.”

1. Linda (Angela Featherstone) – The Wedding Singer

Well, she no-shows on their wedding day. That’s sort of a red flag about character right there. Then she shows back up into Robbie’s life as though nothing ever happened, spouting empty apologies. That’s strike two.

When she first bails, she says she could never be with a guy “living in (his) sister’s basement with five kids while (he’s) off every weekend doing wedding gigs at a whoppin’ sixty bucks a pop?” Adam Sandler was completely right. That could have been brought to his attention yesterday. Before the wedding.

Some of the most iconic movies of the past century become wildly exotic and more compelling when the actual genders are swapped.

You probably want an example. Here are 15…

Forest Gump

A man sleeps with a retarded girl, then spends the rest of his life trying to avoid her.

Different film, no? Perhaps not as sweet and endearing as the original, but certainly one I would pay to see.

Well, this happens to be the case for many, many recent and not-so-recent classics. So take a gander to see what films pique your interest when the genders of the characters have been reversed. (Caution: Some plots become insanely hot and erotic.)

Shawshank Redemption

A black woman and a white woman form a very special bond in prison, only to reunite in Mexico to live the rest of their lives together.

Basic Instinct

A man kills a woman with an ice pick, then shows his genitals to the police during an interrogation before being cleared of all charges.

Iron Giant

A girl develops a very special relationship with a mechanical friend.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

The continuing story of four young boys who acquire a pair of magical jeans that fit all four of them perfectly, even though they are all different shapes and sizes.

When Harry Met Sally

In order to demonstrate a salient point about sexual roles, a man fakes an orgasm in a crowded deli. “I’ll have what he’s having.”

Thelma and Louise

Two men shoot their rapist, have sex with a young girl, and drive off a cliff while being chased by women.

The Accused

A man dresses like a whore and gets raped by two women on top of a pinball machine.

Almost Famous

A 15 year-old female music reporter has a sexual awakening at the hands of older male groupies.

American Beauty

An uptight man has an affair while his wife masturbates in the shower. Then she’s killed by her closeted lesbian neighbor.

Junior

A woman has a baby.

Boogie Nights

A woman with an enormous vagina enters the world of adult films.

Sex and the City 2

Four fabulous men with shoe fetishes go to Dubai to f*ck everything that moves.

A League of Their Own

While the women fight in World War II, the men stay home and play baseball.

Bend It Like Beckham

A young Indian boy defies his parents, who believe boys have no business playing soccer.

Thanks to Amanda Al-Masri, Nick Rutkaus