Screen Junkies » field of dreams http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Fri, 03 Oct 2014 15:42:37 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 10 Iconic Movie Lines, If They Were Written Today http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/10-iconic-movie-lines-if-they-were-written-today/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/10-iconic-movie-lines-if-they-were-written-today/#comments Fri, 11 Jul 2014 12:50:31 +0000 Jared Jones http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=262898 We live in an era of rapidly deteriorating linguistic abilities (translation: words b hard), where the appreciation for an eloquently-delivered turn of phrase is at an all time low.

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By Jared Jones

We live in an era of rapidly deteriorating linguistic abilities (translation: words b hard), where the appreciation for an eloquently-delivered turn of phrase is at an all time low. For every hour that The Learning Channel is allowed to continuing airing reality shows about polygamist midgets suffering from bipolar schizophrenia, or delusional, cupcake-baking Long Island housewives who communicate with ghosts, the IQ of the average earthling drops 10 points, thrusting our collective vocabulary ever closer to the monosyllabic, hybrid hillbilly and valley girl grunts uttered by the mouth-breathing troglodytes depicted in Idiocracy (*accepts award for greatest sentence ever written*).

The movie world has not been spared in this eradication of intellect, and could honestly be considered one of its greatest forerunners. Even the whimsical insults of eras past have been all but forgotten in favor of the base-level “sick burns” churned up by today’s creatively-bankrupt minds.

“His mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork.” — Mae West, 1934

“It tastes like fuckin’ dick infused with balls.” — Adam Sandler, 2013

To loosely quote Not Sure, there was a time long ago when screenplays were penned with the writer’s blood, sweat, and tears, not hastily scribbled onto a cocktail napkin amidst a three-day coke binge with Michael Bay. But times have changed. Can you imagine how some of the most iconic lines in film history would sound if they were written today? Gee, I wonder…

10 — “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” 

Modern equivalent: “I got 99 problems but this bitch ain’t one.”

9 — “Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

Modern equivalent: “Life’s like a bowl of ‘sketti and butter, so go tell Sugar Bear it’s done.” (*farts*)

8 — “A boy’s best friend is his mother.

Modern Equivalent: “A boy’s best friend is *your* mother, who I totally put a dent in last night.”

7 — “They’re here.”

Modern Equivalent: “Oh sh*t there’s some ghost-lookin’ muthaf*ckas in the TV screen!”

6 — “Yo, Adrian!”

Modern Equivalent: “Yo, Adrian!” Truly a man ahead of his time, that Stallone.

5 — “If you build it, he will come.”

Modern equivalent: “If you f*ck it, fame will come.”

4 — “A martini. Shaken, not stirred.”

Modern Equivalent: “Gin and juice. Beeeitch.”

3 — “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Modern Equivalent: “I’ve a serious man-crush on you, Lou. No homo.”

2 — “I’m the King of the World!”

Modern Equivalent: “Suck my d*ck, Planet Earth!”

1 — “Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night!” We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”

Modern Equivalent: “If anyone else wanna kill some aliens, let me hear you say yeah!”

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Caucus This: 6 Films Set In Iowa http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/caucus-this-6-films-set-in-iowa/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/caucus-this-6-films-set-in-iowa/#comments Tue, 03 Jan 2012 21:33:51 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=241290 Because you're really ignorant about which films have been set in Iowa.

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I can’t lie to you. “Iowa” is a very popular search term because of the Republican Caucus. I tried to find a way to make this list seem more organic, but there is absolutely no way of making you, dear reader, believe that I organically decided upon an Iowa-themed list. Anyway, you’ve clicked and made it this far. Please keep reading and school yourself on Iowa.

Field Of Dreams

Perhaps the most famous movie set in Iowa, Field of Dreams follows Ray Kinsella, a handsome farmer who goes around picking up men and dressing them in uniforms. He then starts to imagine men walking among cornstalks (no phallic imagery there), until he is literally surrounded by athletic dudes. For some reason, this doesn’t really bother his wife.

Ray’s farm is a magical place, and connotes what most of us imagine when we think of Iowa – a place that is mostly made of corn, consisting of a bunch of people that refuse to believe in magic. It makes sense that we would hold a caucus there.

Unfortunately, after Field of Dreams was released in 1989, 90% of Iowa farms were immediately converted to baseball fields. Many were populated with historically significant baseball players, but unfortunately, the players that appeared to occupy these fields predated the Jackie Robinson era, and racism pervaded all of Iowa. Consequently, Iowa is now known as a place with no corn and lots of race riots, all because of Field of Dreams.

Cedar Rapids

Cedar Rapids is a pretty funny film, but it gets more credit that it deserves because it didn’t get a wide release. The film stars Ed Helms, the guy that says “sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiit” from The Wire, John C. Reilly, and Anne Heche. Helms is sent to an insurance convention in Cedar Rapids, only to find that the Midwestern independent insurance accreditation game is straight-up rigged.

This film paints Iowa in a negative light in much the same way that The Wire did with Baltimore and Florida does all on its own.

Cedar Rapids was actually shot in Ann Arbor, because Iowa wasn’t able to give the film anything in the way of a tax credit. Considering the film appeared to have cost about $14,300 to produce, you think that Iowa would have been able to pony up the $91 or so that the producers required. Missed opportunity, Iowa.

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