Screen Junkies » Fake Roger Ebert http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Fri, 12 Sep 2014 00:11:01 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 ‘ROGER EBERT’ REVIEWS A PORNO http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/roger-ebert-reviews-a-porno/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/roger-ebert-reviews-a-porno/#comments Fri, 31 Jul 2009 17:00:44 +0000 Jame Gumb By Roger Ebert*There is an ugly scene in Squirt In My Gape 3 that I want to tell you about. A young woman played by Bobbi Star has just had her gaping anus filled with both male and female ejaculate. We see the girl, pretty yet exhausted, contorting her body in such away as to avoid spilling the fluids. The cameraman moves in to give the audience the requisite close-up of the genetic ooze she is holding ever so precariously.?? We expect the scene to end, but it does not. The audience is left waiting for what seems like an eternity. Then, without warning, a bubble begins to form.

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By Roger Ebert*

There is an ugly scene in Squirt In My Gape 3 that I want to tell you about. A young woman played by Bobbi Star has just had her gaping anus filled with both male and female ejaculate. We see the girl, pretty yet exhausted, contorting her body in such away as to avoid spilling the fluids. The cameraman moves in to give the audience the requisite close-up of the genetic ooze she is holding ever so precariously.

 We expect the scene to end, but it does not. The audience is left waiting for what seems like an eternity. Then, without warning, a bubble begins to form.

Before you have time to fully process what is happening, audible flatulence rings out. 

As the scene finally faded to black, I couldn’t help but think to myself that if I had wanted to watch Cum-Fart Cocktails, I would have rented Cum-Fart Cocktails. 

The needlessness of the fart took me out of the movie and into the minds of its makers. What were they thinking? Have they so lost touch with human nature that they think fans of the squirt genre will like this scene? Do they think it’s funny? Did the actors voice any objections? It’s the job of the producer to keep a film on track; did the director notice anything distasteful? Or is it possible that everyone connected with the film has become so desensitized by the relentless cynical aggression of Gonzo porn that the scene passed without comment?

The film is billed as a “a celebration of the finest gaping a**holes” overflowing with “excessive amounts of female ejaculate.” I’m not quite sure what measurement constitutes an acceptable amount of female ejaculate. A quart? A liter? I doubt the producers gave it much thought. It seems they didn’t give much thought to any aspect of the film. Squirt In My Gape 3 is a bloated, unpleasant assembly-line extrusion of forced squirts and questionable orgasms. By trying too hard to please fans of both squirting and ass gape, the film ends up pleasing no one.

Oh, it’s all done with competent technique. William H., the director, is a master of this sort of thing. But there is not an original idea in the film. Even Sindee Jennings, whom I adored in Big Black Beast 11, seems little more than a bargain-basement ripoff of Cytherea in the classic Squirt Woman 2: The Drinks are on Me.

The plot, briefly, involves two girls meeting for the first time, and putting aside their initial (feigned) mistrust in order to work together to please the same cock. This scene repeats itself five times. No one in the movie is very interesting; our eyes glaze over during yet another bone-tired retread of sex scenes that we have seen over and over again.  I wonder what the atmosphere was like on the set every day. How does it feel to make a movie where the characters don’t seem sure about who they are?

Occasionally there is variety, as when a starlet fills her partner’s gaping anus to the brim. I dunno, maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see anything original about yet another a winking a**hole, even if it is filled with lady cum. The movie has a carelessness that shows a contempt for the audience. It is so choppy in its nervous editing that a lot of the time we’re simply watching senseless kinetic action. The anal and the ejaculations are broken down into closeups that deny us any sense of the physical relationship of the actors or the strategy behind the sex. It’s all just movement.

Consider the scene between  Flower Tucci and Mya Nichole. Both are so pleasant that it’s a shame to spoil their party. But toil and try as they do, the sex bogs down in relentless predictability and the puzzling overuse of squirting. I was never sure who was being pounded, or why. Maybe I missed something, but it didn’t make much difference. Eventually, well after the male star has already finished, Tucci bends Nichole over for yet another squirt to the gape. As nearly as I can tell, the only reason this took place is because there was some sort of gape-squirt quota to fill. In a movie that is painfully long at 157 minutes, why is this scene taking up our time? 

I liked the first two films in the Squirt In My Gape series, although my description of the sequel as "a really rather brilliant vomitorium of vaginal viscosity" might have sounded like faint praise. But the third film is a mess. It lacks the sharp narrative line and crisp clarity of the earlier films, and descends too easily into shapeless sex scenes that are chopped into so many cuts that they lack all form or rhythm.

Should you actually pay money to see this movie at a time when Mother-Daughter Exchange Club Part 3, Strap Attack 8, A** Eaters Unanimous 15, Forced Bi Cuckolds and I’ll Toss Your Salad If You Butter My Buns are all available? I don’t think so.

Rating = 2 Stars

*Not True

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