But making a theme park ride out of Transformers seems a little “on the nose.” Rather, I think the next generation of rides should focus not so much on the bombastic lowest-common-denominator films that make all the mouthbreathers “ooooh” and “ahhh,” but rather allow parkgoers to embark on an EMOTIONAL journey that leaves them a little richer for the experience.

Why yes…I do have some examples.

And here they are:

The Darjeeling Limited Train Experience: In 2-D!

Follow three actors who bear passing resemblances to Owen Wilson, Jason Schwartzman, and Adrien Brody as you hop aboard an out-of-service Universal Studios tram and mill about the back streets of the theme park, experiencing a refreshingly dry look at a family dynamic.

A couple caveats on the ride is that all passengers must dress in era-agnostic clothing, and all cell phones must not only be turned off, but destroyed. This ride will not be suitable to persons suffering from narcolepsy, young children, or anyone allergic to deep cuts from The Kinks.

Amistad: The Log Ride!

Being a slave has never been so much fun as passengers her steer a rustic seaworthy ship to and fro in the face of crashing waves and angry, whip-happy slavetraders. The ride will have Steven Spielberg’s seal of approval as he publicly announces at the grand opening of the ride that this is “exactly what he had in mind when he got involved with the film in 1995.”

All participants will sign waivers stating that the whole idea is in no way racist, but rather an exploration of a subject too taboo to discuss…until now.”

All the passengers on the slave ship will be given old food, bolts, and miscellany to throw at the Darjeeling Limited passengers when the two rides’ paths cross.

Interactive AND meta.

Everything Must Go Real-World Yard Sale

This isn’t so much a ride as it is a sort-of souvenir shop that allows paying customers to walk through the shambles of Will Ferrell’s character’s life, picking up many of the items at INSANE discounts. Everything must go, indeed.

Christopher Jordan Wallace, son of the Notorious B.I.G., won’t be able to reprise his role as the spunky black kid, but audiences will be equally charmed by another, less popular black actor that they won’t be able to tell apart.

Items for sale include blenders, family photos, souvenir beer steins, and even Ferrell’s character’s shirt.

The 25th Hour Jambaroo

What would you do if you only had 24 hours before you were sent to prison for years on years? This ride will force you to examine just that. Would you spend quality time with your family? Would you cheat on your girlfriend in an ecstasy and champagne-fueled bender?

This ride assumes that you would choose the latter as a slow-moving trolley shuttles you through an evening of strip clubs, drunken buddies, and drugs as you inch closer to your inevitable fate. Just moments before being released from the safety harness, you are greeted by tearful friends and family who reluctantly beat the hell out of you so you’re not too pretty to last in prison.

Check In To Hotel Rwanda

This is one stay you won’t soon forget, as you are offered sanctuary along with other innocents as rebels, insurgents, and opportunists literally beat down the door. This ride doesn’t offer eye-popping imagery, whimsical nostalgia, or anything of that sort. Rather, this ride is similar to thrill coasters in that its main offering is unmitigated terror.

The nice thing about this ride is that the premise is incredibly cost-effective. Rather than hiring engineers to build tall coaster towers and tons of staff to ensure the ride runs smoothly, why don’t you terrify customers the old fashioned way: By having an uneducated black child wave a battered AK-47 in their face.

It will have people talking!!!

Se7en!!!

What’s in the box? You’ll find out if you’re able to brave the line for this popular ride to find out that only in a world this shitty can vain, fat, and slutty people be called innocent!

Cutting off your fingertips is optional, but you’ll have something to write about in your meticulously-kept journal as you negotiate a tour of a non-descript dreary city with your disillusioned loved one, constantly on the tail of a man who delights in ridding the world of scum.

When the ride is over, visit the Se7en Fun Center to see how accurately you can remove a pound of flesh from a pig carcass, see if you have the leg strength to kick a fat person until he hemorrhages, or glue a cell phone to your own hand and see if you would rather opt for the painless death or brave the world disfigured.

All this and more awaits fun-loving parkgoers at Se7en!!!

A word from Rebecca: “You could not get more white and middle class and English than me.”

Director: Dan Rush

Cast: Will Ferrel, Rebecca Hall, Laura Dern

Synopsis: When an alcoholic relapses, causing him to lose his wife and his job, he holds a yard sale on his front lawn in an attempt to start over. A new neighbor might be the key to his return to form.

Release Date: May 13, 2011

Nick (Ferrell) loses his job, comes home and finds his wife has left him, changed the locks and left all of his possessions in the yard. So Nick decids to have a yard sale, and he learns about himself as he lets go of his material goods.

Even though Nick isn’t a wild character like Ricky Bobby or Ron Burgundy, the movie is still funny. There are the slapstick laughs like the sprinkler system on the lawn, and some physical comedy like riding a child’s bicycle when Nick loses his car keys. They could cut a trailer of those Will Ferrell moments but that would be a lie.

The comedy is really about how simple problems escalate into a really bad situation for Nick. You sort of expect the standard divorce measures, but when the police come you’re like, “Good God, give this guy break. He may not be a good husband but let him sit on his lawn with his old clothes.” It’s clear Nick screwed his own life up but some punishments are just too much.

Will Ferrell Is A Broken And Miserable Man In ‘Everything Must Go’

Okay, so a movie about a yard sale and a character coming to terms with his material life isn’t that big a deal. The Will Ferrell serious movie is. I think we like our comedians to succeed in different genres, like Jim Carrey and Robin Williams. Many have failed, including Ferrell’s previous attempts. So the mopey but not quite unlikeable Will Ferrell is good.

Ferrell goes dark. You thought watching Nick suck the last drops out of an empty can was a tragicomic joke. Wait until you see how desperate he gets for a beer. When Nick becomes mean to his neighbor Samantha (Rebecca Hall), he’s not lashing out in a hostile way. He’s just blunt and honest, but addressing touchy subjects.

Nick has heartwarming moments along the way too. His bond with the little kid Kenny (Christopher Jordan Wallace) is sweet. It’s never “look at the cute kid who shows the adult the wisdom he’s lacking.” It’s just a relationship with someone who helps him. Haggling over the price for half a bottle of mouthwash is silly but it shows he has a little bit of pride in his possessions. The humor about the secret lives Nick sees through his neighbors’ windows is clichéd, but again the jokes aren’t the point of this one.

The story ultimately takes Nick to a good place so it’s not just Ferrell showing off how dark he can go. There’s just no convenient happy ending. He has to show a subtle amount of growth and that he does.

We see Ferrell get fired, dumped, and sell all his stuff. It’s a little unclear where he goes from there. One would hope he finds some sort of redemption or fresh start. Otherwise, this is a very sad story indeed.

Other things to note in the trailer: Fat black kid, Dennis from “Sunny,” Stephen Root, Pabst, and a song with the chorus “Standing at the door of self-discovery.” Enjoy.