With that in mind, here are nine Elvis Presley films that sound like they could be porno.

Easy Come, Easy Go- 1967

The title for this film is almost too easy. Throw in the fact that the plot involves a go-go dancing yoga instructor and songs titled “Yoga Is as Yoga Does” and “The Love Machine,” and it’s hard to beleive it’s not a porno.

Fusco is adapting Last Train to Memphis: The Rise of Elvis Presley. The story focuses on Elvis’s formative years up until he entered the Army and strays away from the time he died while shitting.

Although there are a glut of Elvis films out there, I’d be interested in seeing one that focuses on his early life. Especially if it is done as thoughtfully as Walk The Line. And also especially if it doesn’t star Robert Pattinson. (Deadline)

This Friday marks the release of Justin Bieber’s new film, Never Say Never. Unless you still have a hymen, chances are you don’t give a damn. I completely understand. After all, the film looks like nothing more than a two-hour advertisement for Bieber‘s shitty pop music. But while Bieber himself certainly congers up a lot of hate among non-fans, he’s hardly to blame. Hollywood was teaming up with the music industry to produce this kind of dreck when he was still just a gleam in his grandfather’s eye. Unfortunately, we can’t yet go back in time and kill his grandfather (never say never), but we can take a look at 10 films that paved the way for Bieber’s upcoming cinematic atrocity. And considering the early reviews are actually positive, many, if not all of these films might actually be worse.

From Justin to Kelly – 2003

Remember Kelly Clarkson? She’s the formerly thin former American Idol. Remember Justin Guarini? Yeah, I don’t either. But Wikipedia does, and it turns out he was the runner-up to Clarkson. In order to capitalize on the duo’s new-found and obviously short-term notoriety, Fox rushed out a musical. Needless to say, it crashed and burned at theaters, with one critic comparing it to “Grease: The Next Generation acted out by the food-court staff at SeaWorld.” (Wikipedia told me that, too). It is widely considered one of the worst musicals of all time. Watch the trailer above and see why.

Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience – 2009

When comparing the Jona Brothers to Justin Bieber, it’s easy to come to the conclusion that they are the same: young teenagers singing shitty pop music. Six of one, a half-dozen of the other, right? Not exactly. With Bieber, at least there’s only one person to hate. With the Jonas Brothers, there are three. That’s three times the awfulness. While I can’t be 100% since I will never watch either film, I’m going out on a limb to say Bieber’s film is better. Do the math.

Give My Regards to Broad St. – 1984

It easy to pick on a bunch of 16-year-old kids who have barely made it through puberty, but at least they have an excuse for making this garbage. They’re young, and young people are stupid. Besides, as bad as the movies might be, they’re still making millions of dollars. What teenager wouldn’t jump at the chance to make that kind of money while starring in a film?

That brings us to Paul McCartney. What excuse does he have for making Give My Regards to Broad St.? He was a grown-ass man at this point in his life, and he had already made hundreds of millions of dollars. Ringo I’d understand, but Sir Paul? Welcome to Oobu Joobu, bitch.

On the Line – 2001

Lance Bass, a member of the boy band ‘N Sync, starred in this turd. And while it is a horrible, horrible movie, it has gotten better with age. Why? Because the fact that Bass is now openly gay gives the film loads of unintentional comedy. “Gee, he just can’t seem to land a girl.” That’s cause he has sex with dudes, stupid! Leave him alone!

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band – 1978

This musical tribute to the Beatles‘ album of the same name stars the Bee Gees. Remember the Bee Gees? If you answered yes, I’m impressed that you know how to use the Internet. Are you still using AOL dial up?

At any rate, there’s not much to say about this movie other than it had an all-star cast, especially considering it’s about as enjoyable as watching a non-salvia related Miley Cyrus video. Speaking of which…

The Hannah Montana Movie – 2009

I was torn between including this, and the Hannah Montana concert film. Ultimately, I went with this. While sitting through the concert’s music would be awful, at least you don’t have to see Billy Ray Cyrus trying to act. Unless you’re Roman Polanski, there’s absolutely nothing redeeming about this film.

Cool as Ice – 1992

This film might be the worst music-promoting crossover film in history, especially considering the star, Vanilla Ice, was already on his 13th minute of fame when it was released. But to be honest, I’m glad it was made, if for no other reason than saying “dump that zero and get with the hero” still brings a smile to my face.

Four for Texas – 1963

While this film isn’t a musical, something tells me Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin weren’t chosen for their acting abilities. If you want to blame someone for starting the shitty-musician crossover trend in Hollywood, it should probably be “old blue eyes,” or as I choose to remember him, “Johnny Fontane” from The Godfather. No, he didn’t play Fontane, but the character was supposedly based of him. Now you have another reason to hate the mob.

Clam Bake – 1967

There are dozens of shitty Elvis movies I could have put on this list, but I chose Clam Bake. I’m not sure why. Honestly, any one of them would have worked. And while Bieber’s movie is going to blow goats, I have a hard time believing it will be any worse than this crap.

Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em: The Movie – 1990

When I woke up this morning, I didn’t even know this film existed. Now I do, and I’m not happy about it. According to IMDB, “MC Hammer returns to his hometown and, with the help of some funky tunes, defeats a druglord who is using kids to traffic his stuff.” Who knew that you could use funky tunes to take down a drug lord. Someone get the Mexican Army on the phone! This info will help them turn the tide.

With his recent 26-page profile in the New Yorker Paul Haggis is the new public-face of the anti-Scientology movement. After 34 years with the group, Haggis claims he came to the realization that he was in a cult.

“Everyone could see it. I don’t know why I couldn’t.”

Personally, I don’t find it surprising that the guy who wrote Crash had a hard time deciphering what was going on in the real world. But even so, I commend him for finally figuring out a religion that believes in an alien named Xenu is probably bullshit. Kudos to you, Paul.

And while I give Haggis credit where credit is due, he’s far from the first celebrity to stick it to Scientology. Let’s take a look at some other famous people who aren’t down with the L. Ron.

Elvis Presley

In the book Elvis Aaron Presley: Revelations From The Memphis Mafia, associates claimed the King of Rock’n Roll had a less than favorable impression of Scientology, a fact that is somewhat ironic, considering his daughter went on to become a member. Then again, she also married Michael Jackson, so she’s obviously deranged.

“One day, in LA, we got in the limousine and went down to the Scientology Centre on Sunset, and Elvis went in and talked to them. We waited in the car, but apparently they started doing all these charts and crap for him. Elvis came out and said ‘Fuck those people! There’s no way I’ll ever get involved with that son-of-a-bitchin’ group. All they want is my money.’ Well, Peggy still kept on about it, so Elvis didn’t date her any more. And he stayed away from Scientology like it was a cobra. He’d shit a brick to see how far Lisa Marie’s gotten into it.”

It’s worth noting that Elvis is rumored to have died on a toilet, possibly while shitting a brick. If true, the brick was most likely made up of prescription meds. Given Scientology’s well known stance against psych meds, maybe he would have been better off joining.

Steve Allen

Johnny Carson is remembered as the king of late-night TV. But it’s worth remembering that Steve Allen, the original host of “The Tonight Show,” is the founding father of the modern talk show. It’s also worth remembering that he really had it out for Scientologists.

After Allen’s son became involved with a cult, the humorist became an outspoken critic of many religious organizations, including Scientology. Allen was also actively involved with the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry, a group that seeks to discredit pseudo science. As a group that discredits pseudo science, they weren’t exactly well received by a Scientology, an organization that makes its living off of counting peoples “thetens.”

In 1997, Allen wrote an open letter to the Church, eloquently explaining that its bizarre beliefs were not the basis for its negative reputation.

“There are other churches that, in the opinion of non-members, have some truly bizarre beliefs but no one dislikes the individual members as a result of those beliefs. ‘The Mormons are a perfect example. No non-Mormon on Earth accepts a word of Mormon assertions about the experiences of Joseph Smith, visits with angels, golden plates, etc. But despite that fact the Mormons have a very good social reputation. A number of my personal friends are Mormons and they are for the most part lovely and socially decent people. ‘But – again – the same cannot be said of Scientologists. And if I were you it would occur to me to wonder why. So, to save you a little wondering time, I’ll tell you why right now. You have the reputation as just about the worst bullies this side of the National Rifle Association.

Brook Shields

When Tom Cruise publicly criticized Brook Shields for advocating the anti-depressant drug Paxil to fight postpartum depression, Shields did not shy away from a fight. In her reply, she told the world’s most famous Scientologist that he should “stick to fighting aliens” and “and let mothers decide the best way to treat postpartum depression.” Cruise later apologized, and the two became friends, but who cares.

Arthur C. Clarke

You probably know that Scientology was founded by L. Ron Hubbard, and that in his early years, he was a well-known science fiction writer. However, while he may have been respected as a writer, that respect did not always translate to a respect for Scientology, especially among his peers. Nowhere is this more apparent than in this interview with Sir Arthur C. Clarke, author of the science fiction classic, 2001. If Clarke says you’re crazy, you’re crazy. End of story.

Mike Farrell

Mike Farrell, (a.k.a. B.J. Honeycutt on M*A*S*H) became involved with the Cult Awareness Network (CAN) while researching child abuse for a film. While attending a fund raiser for the group, he encountered a group of Scientologists harassing guests. Determined to learn more, he met personally with Reverend Heber Jentzsch, president of the Church Scientology International, and was less than impressed with his exploitation as to why the Church was against CAN.

According to a interview with Premiere Magazine, Farrell began receiving “numerous strange phone calls, one telling him (falsely, as it turned out) that an old friend had died. There have been so many that now when he gets calls after midnight at his home, he answers, ‘Hubbard was crazy.’ Sometimes, he says, there’s a long silence before the caller hangs up.”

Jason Beghe

Before Paul Haggis, Jason Beghe was probably the highest ranking celebrity member to walk away from the Church. He spent 14 years as a spokesman, but now he refers to the religion as “bullshit.” If a guy who has been on “Criminal Minds” is calling something bullshit, it must be pretty bad.

Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert, host of “The Colbert Report,” doesn’t shy away from hard hitting topics. He also doesn’t shy away from mocking ridiculous crap like Scientology. If the following clip isn’t enough, take a look at Colbert’s Best Scientology Moments.

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Trey Parker and Matt Stone

Throughout the years, Trey Parker and Matt Stone have used their show, “South Park,” to mock and ridicule pretty much every religion under the sun. Scientology is no exception…well, except for the fact that the religion isn’t exactly “under the sun,” since it comes from a galaxy light-years away, but I digress.

When an episode mocking Scientology’s ridiculous origin story was aired, the Church did not take kindly to being ridiculed. Issac Hayes, a long-time cast member, quit in protest, and Tom Crusie threatened to halt promotion of Mission Impossible III if Comedy Central rebroadcast the episode (Comedy Central was owned by Viacom, which also owned Paramount). Then again, Cruise may have been more upset about his depiction as a closeted homosexual than the mocking of his religion, but I’m willing to bet it was a little bit of both.

Special thanks to Daily Fill and Factnet.org.

Also up for auction were cars driven by Evel Knievel, Alice Cooper and Elvis. The theme of the auction must have been “Big In The 70s.” No word yet whether the Mystery Machine was on the block. (TMZ)

Here’s a bigger picture. So sleeky…

When you hear the name Dabney Coleman, what images spring to mind? If your answer is “the image of a question mark,” you’re an imbecile who’s managed to go through life without recognizing one of the greatest actors in the history of the craft. Since the early 60’s, Coleman has been out there busting his ass right along side some of the biggest names in the business. And at the age of 78, he’s still going strong with his latest role on the critically acclaimed HBO drama, “Boardwalk Empire.” While he doesn’t often get the recognition of your big-name stars like Dan Hedaya and James Rebhorn, he deserves just as much, if not more. So slap on your brain condoms, because you’re about to get mind-f**ked with knowledge about acting great Dabney Coleman.

Dabney Coleman Worked with Alfred Hitchcock, Steve McQueen and Elvis Presley

If you were skeptical about my claim that Dabney Coleman is awesome, this should put your hesitation to rest. After all, you can judge a man by the company he keeps, and Mr. Coleman keeps some very good company. He’s worked with Alfred Hitchcock (“The Alfred Hitchcock Hour”) Elvis Presley (The Trouble with Girls) and Steve McQueen (The Towering Inferno). How many people can say that? Add Robert Redford (Downhill Racer), Gene Hackman (Bite the Bullet), Henry Fonda (On Golden Pond) and John Stamos (How to Marry a Billionaire: A Christmas Tale) to that list and tell me this guy isn’t good. You can’t!

Dabney Coleman Worked with the Muppets

I guess working with Steve f**king McQueen wasn’t good enough for you? Well how about Fozzie f**king Bear? Perhaps you’ve also heard of his friend, Kermit T. Frog? I thought so.

Dabney Coleman played a con-artist in The Muppets Take Manhattan, and if the producers of the next Muppet film are smart, they’ll ask him back. After all, if a man can look that intense while acting along side a fake chicken, you know he’s not screwing around.

Dabney Coleman’s in the Second Funniest Movie of All Time

According to the American Film Institute, Tootsie is the second greatest American comedy of all time. I can’t begin to tell you how much I disagree with that ranking. After all, the fact that Dabney Coleman is in the film should push it to number one.

Dabney Coleman’s Mustache Does Not Make Him Look Like a Child Molester

A mustache without a beard or goatee to back it up often comes off as creepy. In fact, nine times out of ten, a guy with a mustache can end up looking like a child molester, or even worse, a hipster. But not Dabney Coleman. He looks so awesome in his mustache that it’s hard to imagine him without it. In fact, rather than giving off the child-molester vibe, Coleman’s ‘stache probably gets him all kinds of attention from the ladies. Which brings me to my next point.

Dabney Coleman Touched Dolly Parton’s Tits with His Face

Coleman had a major role  in the comedy classic, Nine to Five (1980). The film was a hit, thanks in no small part to Coleman’s portrayal of a smarmy, misogynistic boss named Franklin M. Hart Jr. And while the film itself is impressive, what’s even more impressive is the fact that, as the picture above clearly demonstrates, Coleman had the opportunity to touch Dolly Patron’s tits. Keep in mind, this was the early 80’s, before every girl who got touched by her uncle could run out and get implants. If you wanted ridiculously huge breasts, your options were basically limited to Dolly Parton and Elvira, which makes Coleman’s achievement all the more admirable. Way to go, Dabney.

Dabney Coleman Starred in War Games

When it comes to classic Cold War thrillers, you can’t get much better than War Games. And while you probably remember Matthew Broderick stealing the show, it was Dabney Coleman who held that film together. In fact, by the end of production, I bet Coleman’s back hurt from carrying Broderick on it the entire shoot. Screw you, Ferris!

Dabney Coleman’s Literally Too Good at Acting Like a Jerk

In 1983, Dabney Coleman landed a role in “Buffalo Bill,” a show about an egotistical television host. The problem for the show was that Coleman was just too good at playing an asshole character, and audiences didn’t know how to react. Despite the positive reception by critics, the show never found an audience. However, it is considered groundbreaking for its time, and former NBC president Brandon Tartikoff claims that canceling it was his biggest professional regret.

At any rate, please enjoy this totally unrelated clip of Dabney Coleman playing a racist jerk in the film Black Fist.

Two Words: “Drexell’s Class”

This short-lived sitcom aired on Fox between 1991 and 1992. It told the story of a crooked corporate executive who takes a job as a teacher to avoid jail time. Personally, I think the show would have been a huge success if it had stuck with its original title, “Shut Up, Kids!”

Two More Words: Cloak and Dagger

Well, if you count “and,” that’s three words. Who cares! In this classic 80′s kids movie, Coleman plays two roles: a mild mannered dad and an imaginary secret agent named Jack Flack. I’m sure if I watched it now it wouldn’t hold up, but when I was five, it was badass!

Dabney Coleman Made This Awesome Car Chase from Short Time

Coleman must have picked up something while working with Steve McQueen, because this car chase is right up there with the movie Bullitt. In the film, Coleman plays a cop who thinks he is dying, and wants to get killed in the line of duty so his family will get the insurance money. Hilarity ensues.

Dabney Coleman’s Too Good for Law School

In case you hadn’t noticed, Dabney Coleman is one smart mofo. He actually studied law at the University of Texas before realizing that law school is for assholes and moving on to acting. In all fairness, acting is for assholes, too, but Dabney Coleman is the exception.

Dabney Coleman’s Awesome in “Boardwalk Empire”

“Boardwalk Empire” was one of the best new shows of 2010, and it’s coming back for a second season. The show’s popularity can be attributed to its shrewd use of “The Three D’s:” Death, Dames and Dabney Coleman. Any show can throw a bunch of topless girls and mindless violence on the screen, but when you throw Dabney into the mix, it morphs from cheap pulp fiction into a powerful drama. And after his impressive role as Commodore Louis Kaestner, perhaps an Emmy is in the 78-year old’s future. And if not, so what. Dabney Coleman doesn’t need your piece of sh*t statue.