Screen Junkies » E!

The New Ryan Lochte Show Might Be The Stupidest Thing On Television

Penn Collins — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 17:15:41 +0000

Even by E! and Ryan Lochte standards, the upcoming show What Would Ryan Lochte Do? is a total travesty. Namely because the premise of the show is completely muted and smothered by, “Hey, Ryan Lochte, amiright, ladies?”

It’s clear that he doesn’t know what he should be doing on this show, and it’s clear that the E! producers don’t have any clearer a picture. So without further ado, go ahead and get dumber with this clip promoting a good-looking idiot with no other material premise to speak of.

God bless.

Chelsea Handler Was Attacked By A Sea Lion

Wookie Johnson — Wed, 12 Sep 2012 12:58:51 +0000

When you make a living by skewering pop culture with brutal honesty, it’s only natural that you open yourself up to attacks. Not only from Joan Rivers, but all manner of beast. Chelsea Handler was attacked by a sea lion while recently paddle boarding and had a chunk bitten out of her leg. She revealed her bandages on a recent episode of Chelsea Lately, and went on to explain how she survived this harrowing ordeal.

“I just remember from being on safari the guy was like, ‘Just make loud noises.’ So I’m in the water with one arm in the paddle board and I [made noises] and it worked! It really worked.”

So there you have it. Loud noises. For future reference, you can also make things go away by showing them episodes of Are You There, Chelsea? (US Weekly)

7 Characters Who Are More Engineered Than A Kardashian’s Marriage

Wookie Johnson — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 18:31:32 +0000

When Kim Kardashian announced her engagement to Kris Humphries, we immediately thought it was a publicity stunt. Meanwhile, the dumb girls in my office were proclaiming how happy they were for her, and how they felt that one of their closest friends was getting married. The E! Network saw the profit to be gained and paid Kardashian $17 milllion to air the wedding as a special. As soon as the check cleared, the couple announced they would divorce. This is the most blatant publicity stunt to ever publicity stunt, and a new low for Kim Kardashain who has lived a contrived, manufactured existence ever since she entered the public eye.

In fact, there are few individuals more manufactured than the Kardashian brand, and they’re all fictional. Here they are.

RoboCop – RoboCop

Left for dead by a gang of malicious thugs, Officer Murphy was saved by the cybernetic technology that makes up his body. He’s like 90% robot (despite what the film’s tagline would have you believe), but still longs for the domestic life he was forced to give up. Take a page out of RoboCop‘s book, Kim. He’d kill to have his wife back and here you are queefing all over the sanctity of marriage.

Captain America – Captain America

Born an underweight weakling, Steve Rodgers submitted to a top secret super soldier program that transformed him into the star spangled avenger, Captain America. He must feel foolish after all of the testing and procedures. Turns out he could have raised his profile easily with a leaked sex tape.