That’s the only explanation for her tweet to @barackobama asking him to fire the officer who arrested her for drunk driving. In these words: “Hey @BarackObama… I don’t drink. Please fire the cop who arrested me. I also don’t hit and run. The end.”

I’m offput by her proper use of grammar, but once we all get past her adequate grasp of the English language, we can resume being shocked by the nature of her request. As of press time, Barack Obama hasn’t responded, which leads the entire nation to believe that the president has lost his phone, because why wouldn’t he have responded to this if he still had his phone?