And I don’t see any reason to stop. In fact, I’d like to butt in and offer up my recommendations for future readings. You’re welcome.

E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial

Elliott: Elijah Wood
E.T.: The Rock
Michael: Andy Samberg
Gertie: Drew Barrymore
Elliott’s Mom: Julianne Moore
Keys: Dustin Hoffman

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Drew Barrymore nailed it as Gertie in the original film. There’s no reason she shouldn’t be allowed to take another crack at her best performance. Well, there is and it’s that the Fanning Sisters got too f***ing old. Why The Rock you’re probably wondering. Two reasons. A) It would be hilarious to see he and Elijah Wood getting drunk together via a psychic link. B) The E.T. puppet probably reeks really bad after all these years.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb

Dr. Strangelove: Martin Short
Everyone Else: The entire cast of Mad Men.

It has sent spasms of dread up my final column every time I hear rumors of Mike Myers remaking a classic Peter Sellers character. No offense to Myers as he’s talented at what he does. But what he does and what Sellers did are very different. I’m just not ready to see a “Birdy Num-Nums” shirt in the Busted Tees store. A comedian who is always overlooked when it comes to outrageously unhinged character work is Martin Short. For my money, he’s one of the few who can sell Dr. Strangelove. As for the rest of the cast, just use everyone from Mad Men. It would be highly watchable.

The plane was forced to make an emergency landing in Texas when Captain Clayton Osbon was subdued by passengers after behaving in an erratic nature. His co-pilot noticed something was off with the captain’s behavior and locked him out of the cockpit. Upon learning he could not re-enter, the captain began pounding on the door and freaking out everyone else on-board. He is now being detained by the FBI while medical officials investigate his state of mind.

Can you imagine being on that plane? I’d be so scared that I’d take a dump right in my air sickness bag. It’s scary when officials go cray.

United States Air Force Brigadier General Jack D. Ripper – Dr Strangelove

General Jack D. Ripper starts World War III when he loses his marbles in Stanley Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove. Citing a Communist plot to pollute the “precious bodily fluids” of all Americans, After launching an attack on the Soviet Union, General Ripper refuses to give the code that will reverse his actions. However, the detonation of nuclear explosives on Russian soil with set off a Doomsday Device that will wipe out life on Earth. I’d imagine that would do more than pollute our precious bodily fluids.

Lt. Muldoon – Planet Terror

As leader of a sadistic unit of diseased mutant soldiers, Lt. Muldoon will do anything to delay the mutation of he and his men. Even at the cost of civilian life. In his attempts to procure the experimental gas that will stall his condition, he’s responsible for the gas’s release which turns a small Texas town (and later the entire country) into a race of bloodthirsty zombies. As we all know, those are the worst kind of zombie.

Check out the trailers to each of his films below to witness the growth of not just one director, but also modern film as we know it.

Killer’s Kiss (1955)

The voice-over narrator isn’t kidding when he refers to this film being as hard as the streets of New York. It doesn’t get much harder than threatening to kill the woman who just criticized your personal odor. Times were much different before Giuliani.

The Killing (1956)

Granted, movie trailers have changed a great deal over the past fifty years. But was it always common practice back then to show character deaths and the movie’s ending in the trailer? We only do that nowadays with The Final Destination films.

Paths of Glory (1957)

You can really see Kubrick’s growth as a director and auteur by watching these trailers in sequence. For instance, with the Paths of Glory trailer, his framing is built more upon movement and more dynamic compositions. The invention of the Fisher dolly likely helped with this, as well.