Hans Gruber – Die Hard

Hans Gruber’s real fault was with his planning. His team of hostage-takers were certainly imposing and able to think on their feet, but in the end they just weren’t ready to deal with John McLane. The fact that a team of heavily-armed Euro-thugs weren’t able to take out one barefoot, mostly unarmed man is just ridiculous. Yes, Gruber definitely put in the hours in terms of anticipating and leading the police outside, but he really was poorly equipped for the eventuality that a police officer might make it inside the the building. Seems kinda odd that he’d go to all that trouble and not spring for bulletproof armor.

Howard Payne – Speed

Howard Payne’s plan was completely stupid. Yes. Plant a bomb on a bus. Good job. People will notice. But then to turn it into a dangerous game of cat and mouse with the cop that you hate is silly. Just go to the cop’s house and blow him up. I get that you want to publicly embarass him, so maybe you could blow him up on the toilet like the bad guys in Lethal Weapon 2 tried to do. Now those guys were talented at their gigs.

Dim your monitor and check out the nine worst movie hangovers.

Die Hard With A Vengeance

The most annoying thing about terror is that it never strikes when it’s convenient. Nobody knows this better than John McClane. In Die Hard With A Vengeance, he finds himself pulled into a dangerous game of cat and mouse with a terrorist looking to avenge his brother’s murder at the hands of McClane. Okay. First of all, his brother was a real dick. But you just can’t talk any sense into these terrorist guys, so he attacks McClane the morning after he went on an epic bender, forcing him to fight for his life in Harlem, stop a bomb from exploding on a train way downtown, and solve a number of annoying riddles. Have you ever tried to kill an elite team of international thugs singlehanded with a splitting headache? It’s not fun. He probably had to take an epic crap as well.

The Hangover

Imagine waking with a terrible headache to find a chicken in your hotel room. Add to that a tiger, a total mess, a missing tooth and missing best friend. The last thing you want to do after a night of debauchery is piece together the events of the previous evening. I prefer to eat something greasy and watch whatever’s on Syfy. Even if Richard Grieco is in it.

A League Of Their Own

When former Cubs slugger Jimmy Dugan is assigned to manage the all-female Rockford Peaches, he sees it as a huge step down from his former glory. And so, he treats it like a complete joke. Showing up to practice and games either completely hammered or woefully hungover. You do have to give props to the guy though. He knows how to make an introduction.

If you’re going to have one of your characters execute another, why not have him do it in a Santa hat? Irony! Beyond that, Christmas always makes for aesthetically pleasing (to me) and evocative set design, which can’t make a film better, but often makes them more enjoyable.

But mostly it’s the guys with guns in Santa hats. That shit’s gold.

Here are a handful of films that play against Christmas, rather than with it, to varying degrees of success.

Die Hard

What’s great about Die Hard is that it’s such an “un-Christmas” movie that just happens to be set during Christmastime. It’s remarkable that there’s only one really bad Christmas joke in the film (see the pic), but even the joke relies more on Alan Rickman‘s reading than the line itself.

The film actually opens with a strong Christmas theme (the limo ride for John), but that gives way to some of the best action cinema ever made, thankfully.

Batman Returns

Sure, the lush setting of a Gotham Christmas lured Tim Burton to set the Batman follow-up during the holidays, but the actual fact that it’s Christmas seems to be the elephant in the room. There are lots of Christmas settings, but the characters in Gotham seem almost forbidden to talk about it, which actually helps to draw Gotham as a very distinct world.

I was hoping this film would get people to start associating penguins with Christmas, but it hasn’t happened. Yet?

However, there are fashions from film that we would very much like to be peddled directly into our lives, be it cause they are funny, fashionable, or just because, if only for a few hours, we would like to dress like Michael Cera.

Bottle Rocket-Inspired Custodial Workwear

Sure, janitorial coveralls aren’t meant to differentiate, but why aren’t they? Just because one is cleaning or painting for most of the day doesn’t mean they don’t want to feel fashionable (I’m guessing. Maybe they don’t)! So let them look like characters in everyone’s favorite Wes Anderson movie that isn’t Tenenbaums, Rushmore, or Steve Zissou…Bottle Rocket.

While you’re cleaning the windows on the 25th floor of a skyscraper, imagine the happiness you’ll realize when an occupant of the building holds up a paper sign that reads:

NICE COVERALLS! YOU LOOK LIKE DIGNAN FROM BOTTLE ROCKET!

The Reservoir Dogs Collection

When you’re stepping into an interview, you want to appear tough and motivated. And who appears more tough and motivated than the gang from Reservoir Dogs? That’s right. No one.

The next time you’re sitting down trying to sell someone on yourself, wouldn’t you prefer to be channeling the spirit’s of Mr. Pink, Mr. Brown, Mr. Black, Mr. Orange, Mr. Blonde, and Mr. Blue, so that you can project an air of “If you don’t hire me, I swear on my mother’s life that I will cut your ear off, douse you in gasoline, and set you on fire.”

With that air of confidence, you’ll be sure to score the kindergarten teaching position!

I am aware there is a Twitter hastag (#betterdiehardtitles), but I didn’t examine it (besides my editor’s Tweets) in hopes of maintaining the integrity of my list. One look at some of the entries below and it will be immediately clear that I had no help with this piece.

I was lead to this belief by the popular films that feature hackers doing what seems to be the impossible. Here are some films that show us that government agencies, corporations and even alien space ships are surprisingly easy to hack.

The Italian Job – Los Angeles Traffic Grid

Getting places in Los Angeles can be a bitch. But as The Italian Job shows, things are much worse when a hacker takes over and controls all of the traffic lights. Plus, he was able to do it over a T-Mobile Hotspot at LAX.

Hackers – Oil Tankers

The gang in this movie is on the run because they possess a code that can capsize oil tankers. Why would that code exist? It’s not like oil tankers have big, red ‘CAPSIZE’ buttons on them. I hope.

Ocean’s 11 – Casino Security

With millions of dollars passing through them everyday, casinos need top of the line security. With out it, they could find themselves easily duped by a hacker who redirects their video feed, which could allow for the dreaded “tiny Asian man in a box” scam.

It’s not unheard of for a huge flop to kill a director’s career. But usually, there’s no jail time involved. Unfortunately for director John McTiernan, Rollerball isn’t your usual flop.

McTiernan (Die Hard, Predator, The Hunt for Red October) was sentenced to one year in federal prison for lying about his involvement with Anthony Pellicano, a private investigator he hired to illegally wiretap producer Charles Roven. Roven and McTiernan worked together on Rollerball, and apparently when the film went south, so did their relationship.

McTiernan’s attorney argued that he should not be sent to prison, in part, because he is on an anti-depressant medication not approved by the federal Bureau of Prisons. The judge sarcastically responded that "(McTiernan) won’t be the only depressed man in prison."

Daaaaaamn! Yippee-ki-yay, motherf**ker! (Hit Fix)

It looks like John McClane won’t retire from the murdering people in ridiculous ways business anytime soon. The super cop, who was last seen surfing on a jet, is being given another go-’round by 20th Century Fox. The studio is in talks with A-Team screenwriter Skip Woods to pen a fifth adventure for Bruce Willis’s iconic ass-kicker.

Woods is the only appropriate choice to write this film. McClane has already killed terrorists with icicles, giant fans, and gravity on a few occasions. Not to mention the time he killed a helicopter by launching a car at it. Who better to team him with than the writer responsible for a tan fighting a jet miles above the earth? I’m going to be sorely disappointed if this film doesn’t have Bruce Willis tie the muzzle of a rifle into a bow so that it explodes in the gunman’s hands. That’s clearly the direction Fox wants to go in. (THR)

If Alan Rickman ever holds this guy’s Bonnie Bedelia hostage, he’ll be ready.

He’s battled terrorists of the German, mercenary, cyber, and hot Asian persuasion. Now it looks like he’s ready to go another round. With a string of recent duds behind him, Bruce Willis announced he’ll be reprising the role of John McClane while promoting his upcoming dud Cop Out. According to Willis, this time around will see McClane stamp his passport and terrorism in one fell swoop.

"I think we’re going to do a ‘Die Hard 5′ next year. It’s got to go worldwide."

He then lamented the plight of the action star.

"But I like so much more making fun of it, taking the piss out of it and not making it a big deal. Not making the fact that I’ve acted in a lot of movies a big deal. It’s all illusion and it’s all bullsh*t and it’s a great job for me to have, but everything else you can set on fire. Making people laugh is the real deal."

The ghost of Chris Farley commented "F*********ck you," while pouring over pictures of Willis’s hot wife. (MTV)

McClane needs to get back in there and kill some henchmen on the middle floors. There’s probably a centrally located dentist’s office that could provide good fodder.

Don’t neglect the middle links.

_{25 Worst Romantic Comedies Ever (Moviefone)}

_{25 Pics of Verne Troyer with Hot Chicks (HolyTaco)}

_{2010 SI’s Bodypainting Soccer WAGS (TotalProSports)}

_{Precious’s Mom Sings in a Subway (FilmDrunk)}

_{Mark Coleman’s 5 Greatest MMA Moments (CagePotato)}

_{Behold The Tonight Show‘s Rotting Corpse (Unreality)}

_{A New App to Lead You to Nookie (Asylum)}

_{12 Hottest Swimsuit Videos (Maxim)}

_{Blake Lively in a Bikini Being a Perv (CelebJihad)}

_{6 Most Successful Career Redefining Roles (Pajiba)}

_{CariDee English Caught Cheating (Atom)}

_{Anti-Valentine’s Gift Guide (MadeMan)}

_{Danica Finally Races (AllLeftTurns)}

_{10 Sexual Euphemisms You’ve Used By Accident (RegretfulMorning)}

Terrorism, theft, abominations of nature, and old people. This weekend’s TV preview asks, Who would you rather go on a romantic ski trip with? Giant spiders or Joan Rivers??

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

FRIDAY AUGUST 7th, 2009

DIE HARD
Network: FMC
Time: 8-10:30PM

Reasons to watch: The original entry in the Die Hard quadrilogy. John McClane possesses that rare mix of bad luck and exceptional talent for getting out of tight situations. It’s as if the Good Lord put him here on this Earth to keep us safe from all the bad mother%@#$ers out there.

PSYCH
Network: USA
Time: 10-11PM

Reasons to watch: The boys of (late) summer are back with a new season. In tonight’s premiere, Cary Elwes guest stars as an art thief who may not be what he may seem. If he turns out to be a bottle blonde as opposed to a natural blonde, my world will tail spin into crisis.

WHO’S ON LATE?

LETTERMAN
Joaquin Phoenix, Anthony Hamilton, Bar Refaeli

CONAN
Eric Bana, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Flo Rida

KIMMEL
Quentin Tarantino, Rachel Nichols

FERGUSON
Don Rickles, Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings

FALLON
Paul Giamatti, Ken Jeong, Julian Plenti

SATURDAY AUGUST 8th, 2009

ICE SPIDERS
Network: Syfy
Time: 7-9PM

Reasons to watch: Giant spiders escape from a top-secret lab to wreak havoc on a nearby ski resort and only three former Melrose Place cast members can stop them. Could happen.

BATMAN BEYOND: RETURN OF THE JOKER
Network: CARTOON NETWORK
Time: 8-9:30PM

Reasons to watch: Fifty years after his death the Joker has returned to Gotham without having aged a single day. How is this possible? Cryogenics? Time travel?? Botox??? Raw foods diet???? Fans of Batman the Animated Series should definitely tune in as this movie elevates Batman Beyond to the quality level of its predecessor.

SUNDAY AUGUST 9th, 2009

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?
Network: ABC
Time: 8-9PM

Reasons to watch: Regis Philbin returns to the popular game show for a special  two week series of 10th Anniversary episodes. Wow. Ten years already? How friggin’ old is Regis? Anyway, watch the old codger make it rain on them Ho’s.

Reasons to watch: Comedy Central takes pot shots at an old woman tonight. Roast Master Kathy Griffin leads Tom Arnold, Greg Giraldo, Carl Reiner, Jeff Ross, Melissa Rivers, Brad Garrett, and Whitney Cummings in an assault against the legendary comic.  These roasts are usually a fun time and if anyone can take it, it’s Joan Rivers. For instance, Rivers retorts with, "Brad Garrett, the only thing lower than your show’s ratings are Carl Reiner’s balls." The second lowest thing is Kathy Griffin’s balls.