Demi Moore – Striptease

Word on the street was that Demi Moore made $12 million to play a stripper in this (tragically) PG-13 rated film, breaking the record for biggest single payday to an actress. Unfortunately, if you’re not going full-frontal, you’re going to leave a lot of people wondering what exactly the point of a stripper movie is.

I don’t know, because I never saw it. And I wasn’t alone, as the giant payday seemed to be just more money down the drain as this film didn’t appeal to the perverts, certainly not families, and the “single mom” plotline didn’t do much to win the hearts and minds of single-parent families anywhere, so the nation let out a catcall at Demi’s tight body on the billboards and magazine ads, then forget about the whole damn thing.

Salma Hayek – Dogma

It’s not often that a stripper can serve as a genuine muse. For the most part, they just convince you to buy them a Mustang convertible so they can drop out of dental hygienist school. But Salma shows the way to the protagonists in Dogma, and does so by looking pretty damn good in pigtails while shaking her shit to “Candy Girl” by New Edition.

Natalie Portman – Closer

It’s not easy to get past all the emotional baggage that runs rampant in this film about lust and infidelity, but if you divorce yourself from those emotions (you know, like a sociopath), then maybe you can just take her at face value. By that I mean you’ll enjoy her body and pink wig. Clive Owen sure did.

It was also in this film that Natalie Portman, wig and all, drew the inevitable comparisons to Julia Roberts. I think she’s got Pretty Woman beat by a country mile, but it isn’t about me. It’s about you, dear reader. Is there any chance that Julia Roberts has out-sexied Natalie at any point of their careers?

Elizabeth Berkley – Showgirls

Elizabeth Berkley makes the cut not because I carry a fondness for Jessie Spano, but because her Nomi character exhibits qualities I often find in other strippers. Namely, she’s dumb and I don’t care about her.

While her tale was ostensibly supposed to be a tragic one about a dancer who lost her way while pursuing stardom in Vegas, she doesn’t manage to evoke much sympathy. Rather, she just makes us nod our heads and say, “Yup. That’s what happens when you’re that special combination of naïve, credulous, and dumb. You get eaten alive.” Fortunately, it’s not all life lessons, as she has some truly bizarre sex in a swimming pool that is probably the most memorable scene of a not-at-all memorable film.

Salma Hayek – From Dusk Till Dawn

Two entries for Selma! Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to get her typecast over and over and over again as a stripper, but it did mean we got to see her shake that ass in a bikini all over during two separate and wildly disparate films. Robert Rodriquez’s From Dusk Til Dawn could very well serve as the anti-Dogma. Rather than playing a helpful muse, Hayek’s Dawn character gets turned on by the site of blood and instigates a bar-wide feeding frenzy that kills just about everyone.

Which Hayek stripper was sexier? That’s just a matter of taste.

Jessica Alba – Sin City

In yet another instance of America watering down the greatest things in the nation to appease the bland taupe tastes of the masses, Alba’s character had been drawn nude in the Frank Miller graphic novels, you know, because she’s a stripper. Well, Alba thought that her appearing nude would upset her father, which is probably true, but it would also likely delight millions of other men. If you want to make a sexy stripper omelet, ya gotta break some stripper eggs.

Covered breasts aside, Alba, like so many other actors in this film, offers a sultry side that many didn’t think she had in her.

Strangely, out of the five entrants here (with Hayek getting two nods), only one – Berkeley – got topless for her role as a stripper, suggesting that maybe these women aren’t as method as we had hoped. In the future, as much as we like seeing our favorite stars taking the stage, we should root for the relative unknowns so that we’re not stuck with something like Lindsay Lohan’s I Know Who Killed Me, a film so bad I wasn’t even sure I wanted to mention it. Terrible stuff. Do. Not. Watch.

But the other’s on this list are good for some mild erotica like it’s 7th grade up in this piece.

The kind of nitrous oxide that makes Grateful Dead and Widepread Panic fans the way they are.

It’s hard to imagine a less likely candidate for huffing laughing gas. Demi Moore is a mature, A-list celebrity with a loving family. She’s also on the heels of what would seem to be a pretty devastating separation, which could have driven her to gas-huffing. I don’t know. I would have thought that being in a relationship with Ashton Kutcher would have led her to huff things.

Anyway, she’s in some pretty bad company when it comes to classless scandals (shocking, no?). Here are a few in her rarified company.

George Michael – Anonymous Sex In A Public Restroom…Twice

Twice. The first time in Beverly Hills, where he was arrested, the second time in England, where he was also arrested. So the guy likes anonymous sex. That’s cool, I guess. But in public restrooms? So conspicuously that you get arrested? Twice?

This makes me wonder how many times he’s actually done it and not gotten arrested. I’m guessing around a billion. His partner, Kenny Goss, is apparently totally cool with this behavior, which may be the sleaziest aspect of these incidents.

Hugh Grant – Picking Up A Hooker That Looks Like Divine Brown

I don’t know how I can further explain how weird and sleazy this was. The fact that it was constantly befuddled charming Brit Hugh Grant helps. So does the fact that he was dating Elizabeth Hurley at the time. That was more than a little confusing/troubling. Never mind the adage, “Going out for burgers when you have prime rib at home.” This is “going out for getting punched in the dick when you have Elizabeth Hurley at home.”

It’s a lesser known idiom, but quite apt, if you ask me.

(Update: Turns out Demi was actually hospitalized after huffing nitrous oxide. Really, whip-its? You’re a millionaire, not a 13-year-old boy loitering behind a Missouri Walmart.)

Whyamisotired.com explains “exhaustion” as follows:

Most people feel tired after a busy day, but bona fide medically diagnosed exhaustion is something else entirely. Exhaustion may also be described as fatigue, languidness, lassitude, listlessness, lethargy and languor. Fatigue or exhaustion symptoms are reported by the patient as opposed to being something that is observed by others, which would be a sign instead of a symptom.

Okay, so now I’m more confused than I was, although likely the person writing that was suffering from being retarded.

Demi and Tracy are just the latest to come down with exhaustion. There is a veritable army of celebrities who have checked themselves in to hospitals because life was too tough at the top of a pile of money.

Mariah Carey

Back in 2001, Mariah Carey checked into a hospital because she was tired. I’m sorry, “extreme exhaustion,” which is probably exhaustion dyed bright green, base jumping. She did it again in 2002, and her PR people assured the world that it was because she was overworked, and totally not because she was having psychological problems, which, of course, means she was likely losing her shit. Her PR people apparently come from the school of thought where they think the best way to divert attention from something is to call attention to it. If she had publicly crapped her pants, they would have said she changed her pants due to exhaustion, not because she shat herself on stage.

Selena Gomez

As bad as I would love to rip on her, I will take it easy on Ms. Gomez. First off, she’s just a kid (what is she? 15?), and I do buy that a barely-legal girl who has spent the last several years in front of a camera might actually be malnourished. It’s not like mom set her up to make the best decisions, seeing as how her mom stuck her with freaking Barney when she was 10. That type of thing leads to all kinds of “different” behavior, like dating other girls. Kudos to her mom for being open minded, though. I’m sure Justin will one day make Selena a great wife. Just get the kid a damn cheeseburger.

In the wake of what many perceive to be infidelity on Ashton Kutcher’s part, Demi Moore has announced that she is divorcing her husband of six years. During that time, they captured our attention and our hearts by doing nothing terribly noteworthy other than having a slightly large age gap between them.

Ugh. I’m boring myself here.

Let’s see…Ashton has been in some pretty bad films, which makes this story slightly more relevant than if it was, say, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden getting divorced. Are they divorced? Hmm. We’ll get our research team on that as soon as possible.

Oops. Looks like I’m approaching the minimum number of words I can spend on a story before my editor yells at me. THERE. 140 words.

Ashton did NOT need this right now. Last week, the star caused an unwanted stir when he tweeted about Joe Paterno’s firing without being aware of the surrounding scandal. This completely ruined Twitter for all the laypeople who assumed that celebrities wouldn’t rush to sound off about something before performing due diligence.

Man it’s like the world shits on his head and now he’s forced to say “thanks for the hat.”

For good measure, the producers threw Ron Perlman and Demi Moore in the mix as well. Beyond the cast, a sense of production design, and some non-stop kickin’, this trailer doesn’t really offer up too much else. The plot is unclear, but that might not even change upon viewing the film. The film seems like an odd choice for any star to participate in, let alone four, and the effects aren’t terribly impressive, but it’s got a Sin City aesthetic to it that allows for vivid imagery without much money. I doubt you’ll find that as a pull quote on the poster, but this film appears weird enough that maybe you will.

Margin Call explains how the economic crisis happened. Basically, one company messed up their formula, so they sold all their asset knowing the value would quickly decline and the buyers would be left with worthless investments. That’s why I always say don’t invest. You don’t actually get to keep the money, you just have to buy something else until it’s over.

In the beginning, a bunch of suits come int the office of an unnamed company and start firing people. That includes Eric Dale (Stanley Tucci), who’s the risk management analyst for the company. Yeah, you don’t need that guy. On his way out, he gives a report he’s working on to young hotshot Peter Sullivan (Zachary Quinto).

Sullivan finishes the report and realizes their whole program is going to lose more than the entire value of their company. He brings it to his boss Will Emerson (Paul Bettany), up to Sam Rogers (Kevin Spacey) and ultimately to Sarah Robertson (Demi Moore) and Jared Cohen (Simon Baker). Then head honcho John Tuld (Jeremy Irons) comes in and says, “That’s it. Just dump it all.”

Each step explains a little more of the program so the audience can follow in baby steps. Both Sam and Jared ask for explanations in plain English, because they can’t understand financial talk. That’s convenient for us, but it also leads to more eloquent dialogue. There are terms like layered investments and leveraging mortgages, but Tuld’s music metaphor brings it home.

It’s not really a detailing of the factors in the economic crisis. It’s more of a drama about the people dealing with it. Sam’s dog has a tumor, so we feel for him. Sullivan has the skills to confirm Dale’s report because he is a former rocket scientist. He says it’s still numbers, just more money.

Once they decide what to do, they all deal with it differently. Tuld is relaxed and full of smiles. Even when he throws Sarah under the bus, he’s calm in that Jeremy Irons way. He advises her not to bring up the fact that she warned him earlier, and he’d just appreciate it if she didn’t fight. Young newbies worry about their prospects and the veterans cover their asses.

First time director J.C. Chandor keeps the visuals interesting. When in the office, you’ll see Sullivan writing on paper or bring in plates of eggs when it approaches the morning. They’ll take break on the roof, and send some underlings off to try to find Dale again.

I think Emerson expresses the real problem. He touts those clichés about how people want to live in houses they can’t afford, so basically he just feeds it. I say let’s rise up against these corrupt tycoons. Let’s minimize so they won’t have the power to play with our money anymore.