Earlier today, Judge Judy decided to pull a “Jackie Chan” by taking over the Internet, but at the same time, refusing to die. The 68-year old TV judge (whose real name is Judy Sheindlin) was rushed to the hospital after falling ill while on the set of her show. According to her rep, “The judge was feeling nauseous and had some intestinal discomfort and decided to go to the hospital to get it checked out.” News of her illness quickly spread across the Internet, making her one of the day’s most searched terms. But like Jackie Chan, who has been the subject of an unrelenting death rumor on Twitter but is still very much alive, Judge Judy wants to have her cake and eat it too. Well that type of attitude doesn’t sit well with me.

Look, I don’t want to see Judge Judy die any more than I want to see Lady Gaga live. But if a B-list celebrity is going to take over my Tweet Deck, they better damn well be dead or in jail. What’s with this “trip to the hospital” bullshit? I don’t have time for it. I must have spent ten minutes reading about this nonsense, only to find out that she’s going to be fine. Now, when she does actually die, I’m going to have to spend another 10 minutes reading about that. That’s 20 minutes of my life down the drain on Judge Judy!

Let’s say for the sake of argument, that the average American spends about 30 minutes a year reading about fake celebrity death rumors and illnesses that go no where. I think that’s low balling it, but so be it. Now consider that the average American lives to be 78-years old. Over the course of a lifetime, that averages out to 2340 minutes, or 39 hours! That’s almost two days of this bullshit. And for people like me, who are trapped in the bowels of the entertainment industry, the number in infinitely higher. It wouldn’t surprise me if I’ll spend a week or more on this nonsense, when all is said and done. That’s unacceptable.

As a result of her hospitalization, I’m sure Judge Judy has a new-found appreciation of how precious life is. As such, I’m sure that she, of all people, can sympathize with my frustration. What if I get hit by a car on my way home from work, or drop dead from a heart attack after finishing this? When my life flashes before my eyes, am I going to feel good about the choices I made? When I meet my maker, how am I going to explain that I spent a total of seven days reading about celebrities deaths that didn’t really happen, but I never got around to helping out at that homeless shelter?

So while I don’t want to see Jackie Chan or Judge Judy kick the bucket, at the end of the day, I just don’t have time to waste on their fake deaths and non-life threatening illnesses. So in the future, I ask that all celebrities, especially the smaller names, be considerate of other people’s time. You want to be involved in a tragic accident? Fine! You want to get sick and die? Fine! But enough of these half measures. As the wise man once said, shit or get off the pot.

Woody always shows up at the right time.

Apparently there was a rumor going around Twitter today that Owen Wilson had tragically pulled a Sonny Bono in Switzerland. I must not follow @gullible. The whole ordeal stemmed from a fabricated story on the site Global Associated News:

“The actor & novice snowboarder was vacationing at the Zermatt ski resort in Zermatt, Switzerland with family and friends. Witnesses indicate that Owen Wilson lost control of his snowboard and struck a tree at a high rate of speed. Owen Wilson was air lifted by ski patrol teams to a local hospital, however, it is believed that the actor died instantly from the impact of the crash. The actor was wearing a helmet at the time of the accident and drugs and alcohol do not appear to have played any part in his death.“

Very funny, pranksters, but the real joke here is the improper use of the ampersand in the first sentence. I guess if we can’t expect people to know the difference between a “&” and an “and” in current writing styles we can’t expect them to discern between reality and poppycock. Anyway, Owen Wilson is very much alive, as is Charlie Sheen AND Adam Sandler, who also had death rumors circulating this past holiday weekend. This could all change soon though, as Charlie Sheen is bound to get out of bed. (TheWrap)