Despite apologizing for the comment and insisting he was misquoted (the article’s writer denies this), Brill has been fired from the booking position at after participating in an Internet flame war over the weekend. However, he will continue to serve as the show‘s warm-up comic.

His methods may seem misogynistic, but at least we know he is cootie-free. (Observer)

I have no idea why I’m bashing Paula Zahn. Happy New Year!

Speaking of sour tastes in our mouths, we at Screen Junkies would like to go totally off topic and present, with limited commentary, a list of previous Oscar hosts who have never picked up any transvestites or transsexuals prostitutes, even if it was just to give them a ride home. I assure you, we are running this list randomly, and it has absolutely nothing to do with today’s Oscar hosting announcement.

In fact, we were supposed to run this list like two months ago, but it got stuck in someone’s outbox, and the IT guy was supposed to fix it, but he had a bit of a health scare (non-Hodgkins lymphoma). Don’t worry, he’s fine now and living on a houseboat with his grandmother in Chesapeake. Anyway, we finally got around to sorting it all out with our new IT dude, Craig, who actually seems like a pretty solid dude.

It’s funny, though, that we got this sorted out right when a new host was announced, isn’t it? Weird. At any rate, here are seven Oscar hosts who never picked up a tranny late at night under suspicious circumstances, or at all, for that matter.

7. Bob Hope

I heard that if the FAA finds out you paid for tranny sex, they take your airport away. So if it was discovered that Bob Hope had picked up a tranny hooker, people from Burbank and Pasadena would have to go all the way up to LAX, which is already kind of a nightmare. If Hope had picked up a tranny (which he didn’t), it would have the same impact on Southern California travel that 9/11 did.

6. Frank Sinatra

Transvestites were perhaps the only thing that Sinatra didn’t sleep with. And men. Ring-a-ding-ding, kitten.

5. Johnny Carson

You know what would happen if you cut open Johnny Carson? Apple pies, G.I. Joes, and a transistor radio playing a 1962 Giants-Dodgers game would spill out of him. No tranny hookers for this guy.

Ed McMahon, however, once drunkenly dry-humped a male Cabbage Patch Kid in 1985. Not sure why I brought that up.

OK. I lied about the Ed McMahon thing.

(Check Out The Top Ten Reasons Islamic Extremists Want David Letterman Dead)

Russell Crowe

According to the FBI, Russell Crowe was the victim of a 2001 kidnapping plot by Al-Qaeda, which was part of a larger plan to “culturally destabilize” the United States. I’m not sure how kidnapping a bunch of actors, especially those from New Zealand, would damage the U.S., but I will say I like the plan a lot better than the one they went with: hijacking planes and flying them into buildings. For a while, Crowe received protection from Secret Service agents, although they were tight lipped about the exact nature of the threat. According to an interview with GQ, Crowe says he “never fully understood what in the f*ck was going on.”

Madonna

If there’s one thing Islamic extremists hate, it’s promiscuous women. And if there’s one thing Madonna loves, it’s being a promiscuous woman. Throw in her midlife conversion to a bizarre Jewish sect known as Kabbalah, and it was only a matter of time before trouble reared its ugly head. In 2009, the singer was forced to add on extra security after a Palestinian militant group threatened to cut off her head because she spreads “satanic culture against Islam.” In all fairness, I wanted to cut her head off after that American Pie cover, but I wasn’t stupid enough to say it in a public forum.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone

As their new Broadway Musical The Book of Mormon clearly demonstrates, Trey Parker and Matt Stone are no strangers to ridiculing religion. But outside of the occasional protest or boycott, the pair never ran into any real trouble, at least not until they picked on Islam. After an episode of South Park in which the Prophet Muhammad was thought to have been depicted wearing a bear suit, an American convert to Islam named Abu Talhah al Amrikee (a.k.a. Zachar Chesser) issued a warning stating that Stone and Parker “will probably wind up like Theo Van Gogh.” Luckily, Chesser is currently serving 25 to life, in part, for making threats to Stone and Parker. Speaking of Theo Van Gogh…

Theo van Gogh

Dutch filmmaker Theo van Gogh was related to the famous artist, Vincent van Gogh. And while Vincent is famous for having his ear cut off, poor Theo is famous for having his head cut off. After angering Islamic extremists with his film Submission, van Gogh received several death threats, but refused to take on extra security measures. Bad move. In 2004, a lovely young man named Mohammed Bouyeri shot van Gogh several times, before attempting to cut off his head with a knife. The killer was later linked to an Islamic Extremist group known as the Hofstad Network.

Then again, considering Islamic extremists would like to kill anyone who doesn’t read the Quran or beat their multiple wives, we shouldn’t be all that surprised. Even so, we felt bad for Dave. So, to show our support for the father of the “Top Ten List,” we’ve whipped up “The Top Ten Reasons Islamic Extremists Want David Letterman Killed.” Allahu Akbar!

(Check Out 5 Celebrities Who Were Targeted By Islamic Extremists…Besides David Letterman)

10. Did not think that “Uma/Allah, Allah/Uma” bit at the Oscars was funny….AT ALL.

9. Long-running feud with Biff, the stage manager. Honestly, it’s way too long to get into here.

8. They never forgave Dave for his rude remarks about Sarah Palin‘s daughter.

7. Letterman’s longtime involvement with IndyCar Racing won him a lot of enemies within the traditionally Nascar-centric world of Al-Qaeda.

6. Thought it was Allah telling them to take out the late-night talk-show host, but it was actually their friend Craig messing with them while they were stoned.

5. Think the gimmick of a top 10 list is trite and played out. (Editor’s note: Shit.)

4. Have been watching Letterman for 6 years and still haven’t seen that masturbating bear everyone always talks about.

3. Tuned in to find out that night’s show was the fat kid from Modern Family, Khloe Kardashian and Lady Antebellum. You’d be pissed, too.

2. Jay Leno is a longtime supporter of Islamic terrorism. It’s the worst-kept secret in Hollywood.

1. Seriously. They’re just dicks.

EW describes the incident thusly:

Letterman (who, by the way, is not Jewish) apparently recently mocked the death of accused terrorist leader Ilyas Kashmiri, who was killed by a U.S. airstrike in Pakistan in June. The poster said Letterman put a hand to his neck and demonstrated the “way of slaughter.”

Inaccurately miming the death of a terrorist? I had no idea!

Authorities are saying that this threat is more specific and direct than the South Park affair last year, making it inherently more real. It doesn’t appear an investigation is being launched stateside, and terrorism experts have urged Letterman to take as much caution as he would with a worrisome fan.

“We ask Allah to paralyze his tongue and grant the sincere monotheists his neck,” Umar al-Basrawi wrote.

Hey, Umar al-Basrawi: You’re an asshole. you can’t just go asking for paralyzed tongues and necks for monotheists whenever someone says something you don’t like. It’s shitty behavior.

Stone may be the most recent high-profile victim of such a plot, but she’s hardly unique. Throughout the years, celebrities have been constantly targeted by would-be kidnappers looking for a quick score. Here are seven examples.

Note: Why no Lindbergh baby? Because baby murder is a downer, ya sicko.

David Letterman

In 2003, David Letterman became a father. Fifteen months later, a house painter at his Montana ranch was arrested for plotting to kidnap the child as well as the boy’s nanny. Kelly Frank plead guilty to lessor charges, and was sentenced to 10 years. However, he briefly escaped in 2007, before being apprehended a few days later.

Victoria Beckham

Victoria Beckham has been the victim of at least two kidnapping plots, and one credible death threat. Well, I guess that’s the price you pay for being part of one of the most annoying bands in history. In 2000, Scotland Yard detectives moved Victoria to a safe house after a plot to kidnap her and her child was discovered. A second plot was foiled in 2002, but no one was charged, and there is some debate as to the credibility of the threat. However, the most interesting event happened in March of 2000. While rehearsing for the Brit Awards, a red dot appeared on Beckham’s chest, causing a panic. She was rushed off the stage, but no one was hurt. However, a fire-exit door was found open, leading to speculation that it had been used by the would-be assassin. Unfortunately, police were never able to apprehend me the suspect.

Frank Sinatra Jr.

While dinning at a Lake Tahoe restaurant, Frank Sinatra Jr. was kidnapped, blindfolded, placed in a trunk, and driven to Los Angeles. He was released unharmed two days later after his father paid $240,000 in ransom. The perpetrators were eventually caught, and the money was returned. As if the kidnapping was bad enough, Sinatra also had to endure rumors that he set the whole thing up in order to gain publicity for his fledgling music career, a charge that was completely false, although somewhat hilarious.

Russell Crowe

According to the FBI, Russell Crowe was the victim of a 2001 kidnapping plot by al-Qaeda, which was part of a larger plan to “culturally destabilize” the United States. I’m not sure how kidnapping a bunch of actors, especially those from Australia, would damage the U.S., but I will say I like the plan a lot better than the one they went with: hijacking planes and flying them into buildings. For a while, Crowe received protection from Secret Service agents, although they were tight lipped about the exact nature of the threat. According to an interview with GQ, Crowe says he “never fully understood what in the f*ck was going on.”

Steven Spielberg

Not all kidnapping plots revolve around money. Sometimes, they revolve around the voices in your head. At least that was the case with Jonathan Norman, a paranoid schizophrenic fan who was found trespassing on the Steven Spielberg’s property. Police found “pictures of Spielberg and his family, duct tape, curtain rods, handcuffs and a utility knife” in Norman’s possession, and claim he ultimately intended to rape the director. Despite the fact that Spielberg’s last sequel raped the memory on Indiana Jones, I’ve never been a big believer in “an eye for an eye,” so I’m glad Norman’s plan fell apart.

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones

This celebrity couple was so worried about the prospect of their children being kidnapped that they allegedly hired ex-special forces members as bodyguards. Whether or not this level of security is warranted is debatable, but given Douglas’ personal history, it’s easy to understand. At the age of six, he was the victim of an attempted kidnapping outside his father Kirk Douglas’ apartment. Luckily, he managed to escape and hide until the would-be kidnappers gave up.

Madonna

The Material Girl’s conversion to Kabbalah wasn’t enough to keep her safe in the Holy Land. Considering the source of the threat, perhaps it actually made things worse. In 2004, a Palestinian group sent the singer threatening letters with detailed information about her children. Madonna was so disturbed by the event that she decided to cancel her remaining Israeli concerts.

Sources: The Telegraph, Popeater

Through out the years, there have been numerous episodes of popular shows that, for one reason or another, have been yanked from the air. Here are five examples.

The Puerto Rican Day – “Seinfeld” (May 7, 1998)

This last regular episode of “Seinfeld” was surrounded in controversy, thanks to a comical scene in which Kramer accidentally burns the Puerto Rican flag. Even though the episode was clearly not intending to mock Puerto Ricans in any way, some civil rights groups were outraged, or at least pretended to be in order to get on TV. The episode was banned from syndication for years, and some broadcasters, including TBS, still refuse to show it. Somehow, they feel crap like “Are We There Yet” is less insulting.

The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson – “The Simpsons” (Sept. 21, 1997)

In this notable episode of “The Simpson’s,” Homer must travel to New York City to retrieve his car. When it aired in 1997, no one thought anything of the fact that the car was left at the World Trade Center. But four years later, after a bunch of assholes flew planes into the famous landmark, Fox pulled it from syndication. In recent years, someone must have figured out that keeping the episode off the air served absolutely no purpose, and it has been gradually reworked into reruns.

When You Wish Upon a Weinstein – “Family Guy” (Nov. 9, 2003)

This episode of “Family Guy” should have aired in 2000. Unfortunately, Fox decided the content would be too offensive. The plot involved Peter converting to Judaism in order to become more financially successful, and contains the classic “Family Guy” song, “I need a Jew.” The episode was included on the 3rd season DVD set, and eventually aired on Cartoon Network three years later. Eventually, Fox broke down and aired the episode as well.

Bill Hick’s Stand-up – “The Late Show With David Letterman (October 1, 1993)

This entry doesn’t involve an entire episode, but rather a segment of the show. Even so, close to 20 years later, people are still talking about it. Bill Hicks, who is considered a legend in the world of stand-up comedy, performed on “The Late Show with David Letterman,” only to have his entire set edited out. One joke in particular (“if Jesus came back he might not want to see so many crosses”) scared both Letterman and the network enough to pull the plug. In January of 2009, Letterman had Hick’s mom on the show, and apologized for the way the situation was handled. Hick’s himself could not be there to accept, since he died of cancer in 1994)

Home – “The X Files” (Oct. 11, 1996)

This famous episode of “The X Files” featured dead babies, incest, deformities and murder. What’s not to like? Oh, right: the dead babies, incest, deformities and murder. Although the show was well received by critics and fans alike, it was banned from reruns by the network.

Celebrity Problem Tornado Lindsay Lohan, who I think used to star in movies at some point, was supposed to make an appearance on ”Late Show With David Letterman“ to read the Top 10 List. That was what was announced, and that is what I believed.

Lohan’s been accused of stealing a $2,500 gold necklace, just the latest crime “Fully Loaded” Lohan has committed in a growing rap sheet of DUIs and drug possession arrests. The Letterman guest spot might have been the funniest thing she’s done since Mean Girls — which was released almost 7 years ago, or in “the long, long ago” in Lohan chronology.

Recently, the rug was pulled out from under Letterman when Lohan tweeted she wasn’t playing ball, adding:

I’m not sure how this happened.

I imagine after an all-night celebrity cocaine party at Charlie Sheen‘s house, you wouldn’t be sure how or why anything happened. Here’s how Letterman responded on the show. (You can watch it in the clip above.)

“So it turns out we were duped… I have no one to blame but myself, and boy, is my face red… [Deadpans:] I hope I didn’t embarrass you, Lindsay, and your family.”

Well, now we know who the mystery “duper” was. Her fist-fighting father Michael Lohan, no stranger to the inside of a jail cell himself, apologized for the debacle. Mr. Lohan told TMZ he made the booking with Lindsay’s approval, but when her entourage found out, the deal was immediately kaput.

“Anything positive that I bring into her life … [her people] try to nix it,” Michael Lohan said.

And that, my friends, is the story of how the Lohan clan turned Mr. Letterman’s life upside-down for one magical news cycle. (Reuters, LA Times)

In the clip above, Stern says Leno is “horrible” and “talentless,” and Letterman only laughed in response. We used Google Translator to convert Nervous Laughter into English, and Letterman’s response was, “duh, but I’m gonna keep my mouth shut, cause I don’t want to get uncomfortable looks from Rickey Minor at parties.”

Stern also thinks that during last year’s Superbowl commercial, Letterman should have “finish[ed] him off” when he had the chance. I’d watch that this year. Of course, we’ve already seen the results of a full on Leno / Letterman battle, and it ain’t pretty for either host. (CBS News)

Some folks are saying Conan O’Brien‘s ratings aren’t very good, because he’s getting beaten regularly by rivals Jay Leno and David Letterman. First, please take a moment to “boo” the name Jay Leno out loud in front of your computer.

Done? Good. Now, here’s the problem: “Conan” on TBS seems to always have less total viewers and often less 18-49 year old viewers than the shows of his older counterparts. However, thanks to newfangled TV gadgets, we now have “plus 7 ratings,” which counts viewers who watch a show on DVR up to 7 days after recording it (and has nothing to do with sneaking way too many of your friends into a party).

If you factor in O’Brien’s plus 7, as his William Morris Endeavor agent Rick Rosen said he does in a recent statement, then Coco is a Hit-O.

“The ratings system needs to catch up to the viewing patterns and the world,” declared Rosen, adding: “To me it’s the most significant challenge to television today.”

Conan‘s audience is younger too. On average, O’Brien’s audience is a Twitter-Trackin’ 34, compared to Leno and Letterman’s Twitter-Fearin’ mid-50s. So maybe “size” isn’t everything. Being young and gangly counts for something too. (Hollywood Reporter)