In celebration of the Hoff’s triumphant return (premiere?) to the big screen, we’ve decided to explore the thespian’s masterworks. I don’t know whether I should say he’s done it all or there’s nothing he won’t do. Both are compliments, in this sense.

Revenge of the Cheerleaders

In this early role, Hasselhoff hones his craft in the role of “Boner.” The magic starts around the 2:15 mark.

Baywatch: Nights

Baywatch: Nights started out as the sexy, grown-up version of Baywatch. 50-year old lifeguard Mitch Buchanan began moonlighting with his mentor at a private detective agency. Ratings weren’t so good so the premise was tweaked in the second season. Inspired by the success of The X-Files, the show was given a paranormal twist. Somehow or another it was canceled shortly after.

The truth is out there.

Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Before Sam Jackson donned the famed eye patch, it was worn by David Hasselhoff. I’m assuming they cleaned it in between movies. Although that could explain all those varicose eye socket veins Fury was sporting in The Avengers. Don’t f*ck with pinkeye.

Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical

It’s perhaps his most challenging role. Or at least one of the only ones where he was required to wear a top hat. Hasselhoff stars as both Dr. Henry Jekyll and his murderous alter-ego, Mr. Edward Hyde in this Broadway adaptation of Robert Louis Stevenson’s classic story. And it’s two hours and fifteen minutes of this:

There’s only one way to make this show more ridiculous. And it’s this:

Burger

Whether it be performance art, a Carl’s Jr. viral ad, or a desperate cry for help, it’s no understatement that this infamous video remade Hasselhoff’s career. It’s the middle-aged, drunk actor equivalent to a sex tape.

Anaconda III: Offspring

When two gigantic, genetically-enhanced-to-have-knives-for-tails anacondas escape a research facility owned by John Rhys-Davies (naturally), David Hasselhoff is on the case. Here he plays Markos Hammett, a tough-as-nails hunter who is somehow an expert at hunting gigantic, genetically-enhanced-to-have-knives-for-tails anacondas. But does he have his own agenda? Are you actually going to watch it? Because I’ll just tell you if not.

Dancing Ninja

IMDb describes the plot as such: An orphaned boy who dreams of being a ninja arrives in Hollywood to try and find his birth parents, where he gets mixed up in a crime.

Sounds to me like this could be that sequel to Beverly Hills Ninja that is now no longer happening. Too bad too. “Ansel LaDouche” is the role Hasselhoff was born to play. I can see the ascot and everything.

Um… This Thing Where He Played Hitler

He’s really making a go of it over there in Germany.

About four years back, someone (bin Laden?) thought that it would be a good idea to make a sequel to the uber-crappy Chris Farley vehicle Beverly Hills Ninja. Apparently going for “degree of difficulty” points, the investors decided that they wanted to shoot the thing in South Korea, because the investors were South Korean.

Further adding difficulty to the project was the fact that the star off the film, Chris Farley, has been dead for 14 years. No matter, David Hasselhoff is still alive (we think), and he was gonna pick up where Bennett Brower left off.

Alas, it was not to be. The investors had a falling out with the film’s proposed producer, a scholarship recipient from the AFI. He may have been overqualified. Anyway, lawsuits ensued, and the quick and dirty is the film will never be made or see the light of day.

So that movie you never knew about, which was a sequel to a film people barely knew about, will never be shown.

Man, Friday news is just the worst, isn’t it? (A.V. Club)

Please pour a sip out for us as we eulogize the most short-lived shows of 2011.

Charlie’s Angels

Pretty hard to screw up Minka Kelly running around in little outifts, but ABC somehow did it. This unnecessary 300th retread of classic television series starred Kelly, Rachael Taylor, and Annie Ilonzeh. It, of course, told the story of crime-fighters who dress like the Fantanas and solve mysteries for an elusive boss. But in a world with free Internet porn, audiences weren’t interested in watching the stars rub lotion into each other and almost make-out while investigating shady gangsters.

The Playboy Club

Again, it’s pretty hard to screw up Amber Heard running around in little outfits, but NBC somehow did it. Widely panned by jerks who hate boobs, this “Mad Man rip-off” was cancelled after three episodes. The consensus is that the show would have worked much better on a different network. Perhaps on Starz or Showtime were the actresses are contractually obligated to get railed on camera.

There’s so much disbelief to suspend here but I’m really having the hardest time getting past the whole hot chicks hanging out at the water park thing. I’m sure they know people who own pools.

The project hasn’t found a decent script yet, but that might change now that Peter Tolan, the creator of Rescue Me, has put together something that doesn’t take into account the TV show at all.

I like what I’m hearing. Go on, Peter:

“It’s not based on the show in any way, though there are a couple of winks at the show…I don’t know anything about the show. I didn’t watch it in preparation for writing this,” he said to the Matthew Aaron Podcast.

So, while no greenlight has been given, it sounds as though this might be the script. I wonder if Bruno Mars will do a version of the theme song.

Please God, no.

Show creator and pacifist Kurt Sutter painted an inadvertently gross picture by tweeting “C*nt. C*nt.C*nt.C*nt.C*nt.” that the “best part” of this casting is “Hoff and Tom Arnold in the same scene.” Let’s hope they keep their producer pants on. (TV Guide)

Del Monte created a Hasselhoff-shaped popsicle for National Ice Cream Month. You can lick it. (Vodkapundit)

9 photosGet To Know Katrina Bowden

I was not expecting to like the original Piranha 3D. I’m no horror buff, but between the over-the-top absurd violence, the naked underwater prancing and Christopher Lloyd basically dusting off Doc Brown, I was sold. Now they’re making Piranha 3DD and I’m anxious to see a trailer. Until then, I’ll just have to make do with these unauthorized set photos from Let’s Get Out of Here Blog. Turns out the writer lives near where the film is shooting in Wilmington, NC. Here you get a first look at the water park set, plus a bloody prop girl. I can tell a lot of happy summertime memories are gonna be made for the families that go to Big Wet. The film chomps into theaters November 23, 2011.

Directed by John Gulager, Piranha 3DD stars Ving Rhames, Gary Busey, Katrina Bowden, Paul Scheer and The Hoff, plus Christopher Lloyd returns. (Dread Central)

The Hoff joins Ving Rhames Paul Scheer, Katrina Bowden, David Koechner, and Christopher Lloyd. Kind of a sausagefest. Poor Katrina won’t stand a chance, especially if Ving Rhames is channeling his character “Diamond Dog” from Con Air.

Knight Rider could use this career boost after his reality show on A&E got pulled after just two episodes. People clearly didn’t want to see him living his day-to-day life, but maybe they’ll be interested in seeing him eaten alive by tiny fish with sharp teeth. I think they just might be. (THR)

In the film, Brand plays the I’d-rather-be-drumming Easter Bunny (who is British for some reason), as he embarks on his yearly mission only to be run over by James Marsden. The end.

Oops. No. I guess there’s more movie after that. And David Hasselhoff. If there are two things that Tim Hill can’t resist, they are poop-eating and David Hasselhoff. Which do you prefer? (Apple)

This sells cola somehow?

Judging from the picture above, David Hasselhoff will do anything. ANYTHING. So it came as no surprise when he scored a reality show on A&E about his attempts to get his daughters easy gigs in show business. Now the network has pulled the show after only two episodes. Keep in mind that this is the channel that has found success with a show about raiding storage units. “The Hasselhoffs” pulled in such bad ratings that the network was forced to yank the remainder of the series. 718,000 viewers tuned in for the first episode, and 505,000 for the second. We don’t know what percentage of those viewers are German.

Still, two episodes seems harsh. At least promote the show enough so that it can find its audience. Perhaps ratings could have been driven up with a crossover episode with Intervention.” Missed opportunity right there. (Deadline)

Seth MacFarlane has stolen the Friars Club crown and sceptre from insult king Jeffrey Ross, as Comedy Central has chosen the "Family Guy" creator to head the Roast of David Hasselhoff. The evening, which is sure to not lack in fast food-centric material, will also feature Pamela Anderson, Whitney Cummings, Greg Giraldo, Lisa Lampanelli, (a scorned) Jeffrey Ross, Jerry Springer, and Hulk Hogan. Ah yes, the wild card. There’s always one of them, like Bea Arthur at the Pam Anderson Roast or George Takai at the Shatner one. I just hope Hogan is writing his own material instead of using Lampenelli’s toss-outs. The jokes about black guys wanting to f*ck him won’t pack the same punch. (Movieline)

Comedy Central announced today that they will roast actor/singer/burger spokesman David Hasselhoff this summer. The special will air on August 15th as part of a themed block with showings of "Taking Candy From Babies" and Shooting Fish. In the press release, Hasselhoff affirms his willingness to accept money for tauntings:

"I’m honored that Comedy Central is going to get ‘Hoff’ on me. I have always been a major fan of Roasts, dating back to the days of the ‘Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.’ Laughter is the best medicine. Bring it on! I’m ready to take the heat."

This is too easy. How can we be certain that this isn’t an elaborate ruse engineered solely for the capture of Norm MacDonald? Is OJ behind this?? (CC Insider)

TMZ is reporting that David Hasselhoff is close to getting a reality show deal with A&E.

Said an A&E representative to TMZ, "We are close to signing a deal with David and his kids."

You may remember that not too long ago, David & family had a six-part reality miniseries that aired in the UK called "Meet the Hasselhoffs," in which they traveled around with UK Deejay Scott Mills. You can see a clip here:

Of course, as always happens with American versions of established British imports, we’re sure that all the subtle, dry wit from the above clip will be replaced by a theme song and Hasselhoff spewing catch phrases like, "Don’t Hassle the Hoff!" or just spewing cheeseburger meat in a drunken stupor. Either one.