Unfortunately, this first look only shows Crowe glaring off-camera, and doesn’t feature the wingless demons (!) and giants (!!) that the film is also reported to feature. He’s probably looking over his shoulder at a Perfect Storm-style wave or two zebras doing it or Brownie Bites on the craft services table. We’ll have to wait a long time to find out. (via The Playlist)

Originally, Liam Neeson and Val Kilmer were being considered for the role because Aronofsky wanted someone with “grit and size to be convincing as he goes head to head against [Russell] Crowe’s Noah character.” So… fat guys wrestling? That does sound epic. Though nothing more is known about this nemesis, let’s hope that Aronofsky doesn’t intend for this rivalry to lead to the bedroom as it did in Black Swan. Do not want. (Deadline)

Crowe got on the Twitter to respond to a MovieWeb tweet that Aronofsky was “eyeing” him for the role with a “eyeing him right back…Liam’s eyeing both of us…and Paramount are eyeing us all, including you. Whole lot of eyeing.” Jeez. Get a room, you three.

Now that you’ve had time to wipe the image of a Neeson-Aronofsky-Crowe menage out of your minds, we can get on to Roboc — need another minute? ….

Okay, now we can get back to Robocop. Despite reports, Crowe denied any involvement with that project after flatly answering no to inquiries from fans. You may remember that Aronofsky was once attached to the remake but the deal didn’t pan out. Too bad too. Would be pretty awesome to see Aronofsky, Crowe, Neeson, and Robocop all get into bed together. (ComicBookMovie)

That left Aronofsky needing someone of star caliber who could carry such an expensive film, which means he might get Russell Crowe. Though this has the danger of off-setting Crowe’s adaptation of the 1980′s TV show The Equalizer. It’s going to be a tough choice for Russell, I’m sure. Another popular name being floated for the film is Liam Neeson. It’s not known if he’s being eyed to play Noah himself or the film’s major villain. I say go with the villain. The Ark has wolves. Liam Neeson punches wolves. It’s simple math. Take the rest of the day off, Hollywood. (Deadline)

No casting has been announced, but Christian Bale‘s name has been floated previously, and the deal was seemingly predicated upon his involvement. In light of this, it remains to be seen how schedules will work out and whether or not Batman will have the time for the project, though we can definitely see him doing a great job with the material. Otherwise, it’s doubtful this will get off the ground without an A-lister, so we’ll need to wait and see who snags the role. Ryan Gosling‘s beard watch begins…. now. (Deadline)

So, with that in mind, here are the nine most depressing films of the past nine years.

9. The Dead Girl

A dead body is found in a field one quiet morning, and we are thrust headfirst into the excellent but deeply soul-shattering film, The Dead Girl. This character study examines not only the events leading up to the girl’s death, but how her demise affects the people in her life as well as other people in the community, including the killer himself. The cast is fantastic, and the movie is very well-written and directed. It just leaves you feeling perfectly empty inside. Watching it will make you parents out there give your daughters that extra kiss on the forehead when you tuck them in to bed at night.

8. Antichrist

Start with a child falling out of the window of a building and end with a woman committing such depraved acts of violence against her husband that blood spurts out of his penis, and you’ve got one of the nine most depressing films of the last nine years. Lars Von Trier’s Antichrist is another bizarre accomplishment by the kooky Danish director. It deals with the grieving process, guilt, misogyny, and self-destruction that spins out of control and into full-on horror mode by film’s end. Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg give awesome performances as a couple who retreat to a cabin in the woods as they attempt to recover from the accidental death of their son. What was supposed to consist of a little R&R and some soul-searching instead becomes a living hell of depravity and biblical archetypes. Oh, and there’s a talking fox in it, which isn’t at all depressing, but I simply could not discuss this movie without mentioning that it contains a talking fox.

7. Winter’s Bone

Do you like movies about meth-cooking fathers who abandon their families, leaving them to fend off poverty and the local hillbilly gangsters for themselves? Then Winter’s Bone is the movie for you! As you can probably gather from the above description, this movie is full of sunshine and flowers and hugs. It does not include any scenes of domestic violence, and certainly at no point in the film is the heroine forced to sever the hands of her father’s corpse with a chainsaw. Nope, none of that here. It’s just happy times all around.

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Black Swan writer Mark Heyman is tapping into this fear in his new script XOXO. Currently shopping around town with Darren Aronofsky having accepted the friend request to produce, story centers on “a twentysomething man who meets a female contemporary on Facebook and begins a digital relationship with her, only to find the object of his affections take the relationship to an obsessed and stalker-y place.” So, like Swimfan but newer. (24 Frames)

Of course, Aronofsky is still shopping around Noah — you know what? Screw Noah. This is a show about MAGICIANS VERSUS NAZIS. That’s amazing. I’m picturing the magician fighting Hitler and his bodyguards and they keep disappearing in columns of smoke and reappearing in front of Nazis to punch them. But then Hitler gets away through a trap-door but the head magician chases him. Now it’s just the two of them in the basement of an old Dresden theater and there are bombers fucking up the city and rubble is falling all around them. And Head Magician is all like, “End of the line, Fuhrer. I’m going to saw you in half.” But then Hitler reveals his own dark powers and splits into two Hitlers and they both run off in opposite directions. So now the Head Magician can only kill one of them and spends the rest of his days trying to track down the second Hitler because what if he killed the fake? This show is a headtrip, you guys. Makes you think.

Since Bale is like sugar to foreign markets (England loves screaming), it’s expected that bringing him aboard will cause Summit, Paramount, and Fox to get into a rake-fight over the chance to pick up the remaining costs. Cinematographer Matthew Libatique commented in a statement I just made up, “I’m very excited for the opportunity to be cursed out by Bale in front of a full crew. It’s always been a dream of mine to be belittled by Batman. No further questions.” (Vulture)

2 photosInternational ‘X-Men: First Class’ Posters Reflect Upon The Future

“That’s just one of those stories that floated around. I was on their list, I received the script months ago. It didn’t seem like my kind of thing. That script was a terrific version of that kind of thing, but not something I felt really passionate about.”

That leaves us with Jose Padilha, Doug Liman (Mr. and Mrs. Smith), Antoine Fuqua (Training Day), Justin Lin (Fast Five), Gavin O’Connor, James Mangold (Knight and Day) and Gary Shore as potentials. I think Liman or Mangold could turn in an interesting film, but you just know it’s going to be Justin Lin. If we get another two X-Men films back-to-back the moon will shift into alignment and then we’ll have Cthulhu to deal with. (Digital Spy)

7 photosJanet Montgomery

Right now, Hollywood is abuzz because of a package he’s sent around for Noah, the edgy retelling of Noah‘s Ark. John Logan is rewriting the original script by Aronofsky and New Regency is looking to take a co-financier role. And anyone else not scared off by the memory of Evan Almighty is welcome to throw in. He’s looking for a budget of $130 million for the project which would be so much easier to get had The Fountain never happened.

Plot details are scarce but I’m guessing that Noah gets addicted to diet pills and a pair of giraffes scissor one another. And then a lion fed up with his fall from celebrity punches a deli slicer. Again, these plot details are unconfirmed. (Deadline)

It’s possible that all these names aren’t familiar to you. For one, Gary Shore is mostly a commercial director. The rest are directors of a blend of relatively anonymous action movies like Knight and Day, and art films like Never Let Me Go. It remains to be seen which direction FOX will go in – but no matter which way they go, it’ll probably be better than the first Wolverine movie. (Variety)

However, Aronofsky has moved on, and is looking at proposals from Warner Bros and Disney. The Mouse House wants the Black Swan helmer for Maleficent, now that Tim Burton has dropped out. It’s Sleeping Beauty from the villain’s perspective, with Angelina Jolie set to star, so if you love Wicked, you are morally obliged to buy a ticket.

That glass slipper doesn’t sound like a perfect fit for Aronofsky, and neither does Warner’s Moses project, about the biblical hero leading the Jews through the desert. It’s one of two being developed in Hollywood, because there always has to be a competing movie, with Dan Lin (Sherlock Holmes) set to produce. I think if he directed either of these, I’d bring a few X-Men action figures and start sobbing half way through.

But really though, I’m fine. (Badass News)

For his follow-up to Black Swan, Aronofsky is considering a film by screenwriter Jeff Welch called Human Nature. It’s a science fiction story about a dude who gets cryogenically frozen and wakes up in a future where humans are pets to another species. Sounds Planet of the Apes-ish to me, and that’s all the rage these days. Unfortunately, I doubt the other species is a race of badass mutants who have claws on their hands, but there’s some good news: George Clooney might attach himself to the project as the lead. That makes me think this whole nightmare scenario happens in the script because of a Republican president or something liberally.

Producer Akiva Goldsman is currently working on a budget for the film. (Vulture)

Wait a second, bubs and bubbettes. Hugh Jackman made the following statement at CinemaCon today, in an effort to slice up the evil villain Malaise-O, who has kidnapped the film’s production since Aronofsky’s departure:

“We’re not going to settle. We’re going to find a director as good as Darren, if not better. Well, as good. Everyone is still pushing forward to getting it done.”

I’m gonna personally hold him to that promise, because Origins was so bad and they would not return my money or beloved childhood memories of Wolverine at the box office. With a script by talented Christopher McQuarrie (The Usual Suspects), they should be able to get someone good, but Fox has a reputation for being very controlling. That might be the real reason why Aronofsky didn’t stick around, and it might be hard to find an auteur who’s eager for notes like, “could we make this samurai story less Japanese somehow?” (ScreenRant)

In a defense statement, he had his editor go through the film to analyze each shot featuring Portman with ants in her pants.

“111 are Natalie Portman untouched. 28 are her dance double Sarah Lane. If you do the math that’s 80% Natalie Portman. What about duration? The shots that feature the double are wide shots and rarely play for longer than one second. There are two complicated longer dance sequences that we used face replacement. Even so, if we were judging by time over 90% would be Natalie Portman I am responding to this to put this to rest and to defend my actor. Natalie sweated long and hard to deliver a great physical and emotional performance. And I don’t want anyone to think that’s not her they are watching. It is.”

This calls into question the reports from earlier today that Portman used a butt double on Your Highness. Will David Gordon Green step in to defend Portman’s turd-cutter? If not, I’d say we need to get Portman and the alleged butt double in here for a comparison. While we wait, I’ll close the blinds and make sure we’ve got all the supplies needed for a spank test. (EW)

According to Portman’s husband, Black Swan choreographer Benjamin Millepied (who’s also the father of that baby she’s so into carrying around these days), “85% of that movie is Natalie.” It’s probably unwise to think a husband is an entirely unbiased source for information on his wife. If Millepied didn’t say nice things about her in public, Portman might high-kick him in the face when he got home. Of course, Portman’s body double Sarah Lane says she probably could not do that.

In a recent interview, Lane put the “Natalie Portman is actually dancing in this shot” ratio at 5%. Yikes. Lane does admit that all the close-up shots of Portman stiffly holding her hand up in the air while looking pensive were 100% Natalie. How kind. She goes on:

They wanted to create this idea in people’s minds that Natalie was some kind of prodigy or so gifted in dance and really worked so hard to make herself a ballerina in a year and a half for the movie, basically because of the Oscar…It is demeaning to the profession and not just to me. I’ve been doing this for 22 years…. Can you become a concert pianist in a year and a half, even if you’re a movie star?

Like Portman’s husband, I’m not entirely sure we can completely trust the word of a girl who wasn’t thanked in any Oscar speeches lately. However, a special effects demo reel did show full body dancing scenes where Portman’s head was painted onto Lane’s body. Could it be that Portman’s dancing prowess has been greatly exaggerated? Or are these the bitter words of an overlooked artist, upset that a lifetime of ballet doesn’t lead to parts in great movies like”No Strings Attached?”

I guess all that stuff in Darren Aronofsky’s movie about ballerinas being super competitive and kinda bitchy is true. Does that mean these girls often imagine themselves turning into birds, too? I hope so. That’d be awesome. (Entertainment Weekly)

Well, it had to happen: Darren Aronofsky is out of the director’s chair for the new Wolverine movie. There’s an old saying in Hollywood that you’d all be smart to start living by: Not even adamantium claws can separate Darren Aronofsky and his family. The majority of the film, starring Hugh Jackman, was to be shot overseas, and the actor had always stated that that would be something of a dealbreaker for him:

“As I talked more about the film with my collaborators at Fox, it became
clear that the production of The Wolverine would keep me out of the
country for almost a year,” Aronofsky said in a joint statement with
Fox.

“I was not comfortable being away from my family for that length of
time I am sad that I won’t be able to see the project through, as it is
a terrific script and I was very much looking forward to working with my
friend, Hugh Jackman, again,” he continued.

Aw man! It’s undeniable that Aronofsky’s involvement gave the film instant cred it wouldn’t have had otherwise, but it looks like that’s not on the table anymore. Perhaps he and Jackman can collaborate again on The Fountain 2: Metaphysical Time And Space Boogaloo. (Hollywood Reporter)

The project is called Intricate, based on a true story about a college basketball recruit who becomes involved in the 1990s New York drug trade. The film already has a director too, in Brad Furman of the upcoming The Lincoln Lawyer. I wouldn’t get my hopes up for any “ass to ass” scenes, but you never know.

This sounds like it would be pretty good to me – the last movie I saw that Aronofsky produced was The Fighter, and that was one of the best movies of last year. Also, I’m a sucker for one-word titles. (via LA Times)

Best Feature: Black Swan

Best Female Lead: Natalie Portman, Black Swan

Best Male Lead: James Franco, 127 Hours

Best Supporting Female: Dale Dickey, Winter’s Bone

Best Supporting Male: John Hawkes, Winter’s Bone

Best Director: Darren Aronofsky, Black Swan

Interesting stuff — we’ll see if these three movies can do anywhere near as well at the Oscars, given that they have so much more competition. You can get a complete list of all the winners over at IMDb.

This is why I’ve always advocated less-chewy popcorn in movie theaters. That crunching sound can drive some people crazy. How many more people, popcorn makers of the world? How many more people have to die? (via The Hollywood Reporter)

This week we shackle our Best Director contenders together by the ankles, slather them in honey, toss them in the bear cage with an 800 pound grizzly and a pair of bolt cutters to see who among them has the will to survive. Wait… did I say directors or hobos? I meant hobos. But this article’s not about the bear game. No, this article’s about the Academy’s Best Director nominees, an impressive list containing some of American cinema’s most lauded directors. We have David “Fight Club” Fincher, Darren “ass-to-ass” Aronofsky, Joel and Ethan “that movie where Peter Stormare puts Steve Buscemi in a wood chipper” Cohen, David “O” Russell… and some British dude. I’d be honored to have any one of these talented white males helm my breakdancing videos (PopNLockNRonnie @ Youtube). But which of these white males deserves the Shiny Gold Dude?

FRONTRUNNERS

DAVID FINCHER

PRO: David Fincher is one America’s most acclaimed directors, possessing a unique visual style that sets his work apart from his peers. He boasts an impressive track record — Alien 3 notwithstanding — and despite working primarily within the studio system has managed to make a career of exploring the darker realms of the human psyche. While The Social Network bears Fincher’s stamp it is also his most accessible and critically acclaimed film to date, a one-two punch that makes him an easy choice for Academy voters.

CON: Fincher’s renowned for tackling bile-black subject matter; he’s made films about serial killers, psychopaths, serial killers, serial killers and serial killers. And while The Social Network’s backstabbing billionaire protagonist does have his dark side, it’s not like he’s cutting off anyone’s head and mailing it to their sweetheart (that we know of, anyway). In comparison to Fincher’s back catalog, The Social Network might seem to some Academy voters like a bit of a trifle.

TOM HOOPER

PRO: Tom Hooper is the least known of our nominees, but he does have buzz on his side. The King’s Speech received the lion’s share of nominations in the major categories and thanks to the slick campaigning of the baby-devourin brothers Weinstein, seems to be gaining momentum as Oscar night draws near. Hooper is also this year’s safest choice; his resume boasts period pieces and costume dramas but none of the dark, violent, controversial work that his fellow nominees are known for. He’s never cut off Gwyneth Paltrow’s head (unfortunately), shoved a double-dong up Jennifer Connelly’s pudding pipe (unfortunately), thrown anyone into a wood chipper (unfortunately) or tried to strangle George Clooney (ibid). He’s the Postum of best director nominees; a rich and tasty beverage that is inoffensively flavorful and harmlessly healthful.

CON: Tom who? Hooper is what my WoW clan members would call a “noob.” Also he’s British, and we should never forget how the British betrayed us during World War 2 by aligning themselves with the Nazis.  Or perhaps that was the Italians. Eh, British, Italian, same thing.

DARK HORSE

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN

PRO: I know he wasn’t nominated, but if any director could find a way to win despite not being on the ballot, it’s Nolan. Perhaps I’m only dreaming he wasn’t nominated and when I wake up he’ll be on the Best Director short list. But then what if when I wake up I find out that’s just a dream, too? And what if that dream’s a dream within a dream within a dream, and it isn’t even MY dream but someone else’s dream? These are the kinds of things I think about when I’ve been huffing air freshener.

CON: After examining the list of past Best Director winners it seems that exactly 0% were people who weren’t officially nominated. Why I don’t know. I guess for the same reason that ZZ Top didn’t win the 1984 Presidential election as write-ins, in spite of spending months on the campaign trail in a roadster called Eliminator, telling every voting-age citizen in every one horse town about the virtues of sharp dressed men and knowing how to use legs when you have them. Or perhaps ZZ Top DID win the 1984 presidential election and I’m only dreaming they didn’t? Whoa. Just blew my own mind.

LONG SHOTS

DARREN ARONOFSKY

If it was the award for MOST directing, Aronofsky would be a shoo-in. Black Swan was a masterstroke of technique, but like a Yngwie Malmsteen guitar solo it rings a little short on soul in spite of its technical impressiveness. Also, Aronofsky has been left in the shadow of his film’s leading yummy-mummy-to-be Natalie Portman, who is widely favored (and was my pick) to win Best Actress.  Darren Aronofsky’s a highly talented filmmaker and I have no doubt that he’ll eventually get his due, but I don’t foresee him taking the Shiny Gold Dude in 2011.

DAVID O. RUSSELL

If this article was about the bear game, David O. Russell would be a shoo-in. If anyone on this list has it in him to tear out a bear’s throat with his teeth while his fellow directors bleed to death it’s Russell. Unfortunately this award’s being given for directing not bear-fighting. And while Russell has made some wonderful films – The Fighter included — I still don’t think the Academy voters will be willing to overlook his volatile disposition, especially given the fact that he essentially tried to murder Oscar darling George Clooney on the set of Three Kings. George Clooney’s farts have been nominated for Oscars. For the love of God, don’t fuck with George Clooney.

JOEL AND ETHAN COHEN

The Cohen Brothers are kind of like Pixar for grown-ups; all they have to do is make a film to get Oscar nominations. Which in a way works against them. When you’re prolific and talented enough to be on the ballot every year Academy voters are forced to be a bit more discerning. True Grit was an amazing film, but was it an amazing Cohen Brothers film? Back to the Pixar analogy, it wasn’t a Cars but it probably wasn’t a Toy Story either. I’d consider it a solid Monsters, Inc.

ADVANTAGE: David Fincher. Any of the nominees would be deserving and it’s still going to be a shoot-out. But while buzz is on Tom Hooper’s side I believe the Academy voters will honor the more experienced Fincher. Give that man a Shiny Gold Dude!

Of course, that’s just my interpretation of his comments. It may not have helped that I imagined him spouting these quotes off really quickly and with a sweaty face, but it sure made reading them more fun. (Via /Film)

Regarding the ability to explore new territory in this installment:

I sort of even wanted to do that in the third X-Men movie at first, but we thought, no, we really need to establish who he is at first, and we did that [with X-Men Origins: Wolverine], and now this is sort of the cherry on top, to finally do it and have Darren Aronofsky direct it.

Regarding getting super-huge to play the new, stockier Wolverine:

I don’t know how much I want to give away about it, but Darren said with the last one, ‘Hey you looked great, but you’re so tall that in those long shots you looked kind of like Clint Eastwood, and that’s not Wolverine.’

I always think of Mike Tyson when he first came on the scene. Sometimes, he was a full foot shorter than his opponents and bent over [with this] massive build. There’s real power. You said bulldog, and that’s it exactly. Exactly. That’s what I’m going for, and if I have  a massive heart attack first, well, you tell everyone what I was going for.

Jackman has been consuming 6,000 calories a day (possibly in stem cells) to add weight, so let’s all say a quiet, dignified prayer that the Hugh-go-naut will keep the weight on long enough that we can see a stocky, roid-ed out behemoth smiling and singing show tunes at the next Academy Awards.

Tuesday morning at the crack of dawn, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced their list of Oscar nominees, forcing West Coast film biz journos such as myself to hole up in seedy Palm Desert motels smoking crystal meth all night with toothless call girls named Charlene so we wouldn’t miss a second of the festivities.  Sure, I could’ve set my alarm to wake up early — or just Tivoed the ceremony to watch it at a less ungodly hour — but I’m a professional who is dedicated to his craft. As I sat there trying to scratch away the imaginary bugs crawling under my skin I dutifully took mental notes. There were a few high profile snubs — Chris Nolan, Julianne Moore and a Funky Bunch-less Marky Mark were left high n’ dry — but no big surprises in the Best Picture category. If there was anything noteworthy about the Best Picture nominees it was that out of the ten, not a single film seemed undeserving.  This was a far cry from last year, when the dearth of good pictures forced the academy to nominate Jim Cameron’s 3D Smurf adventure Avatar and the posthumous straight-to-video release Ernest Goes to Gitmo.  Charlene agreed with my observation, or at least humored me so I ‘d stop screaming, adding that she was going to have a hard time filling out her own Oscar ballot this year. She grabbed the keys to my Honda and headed out the door, leaving me on that dirty mattress to soak in a puddle of my own tweaker sweat and ruminate the Oscar odds for the subject of this week’s column, ballerina thriller Black Swan.

At the very least Darren Aronofsky deserves a lifetime achievement award from the Institute of Cinematic Spankolgists for convincing two of Hollywood’s most boner-inducing young actresses to scissor fight on film. Yet as hot as the idea of Mila Kunis playing Kumbaya on Natalie Portman’s vertical harmonica looks on paper (hell, I’m at half mast just from typing it) — and as eager as my penis and I were to see the scene in question — I must painfully admit that it didn’t quite live up to our expectations. Perhaps my penis and I had built it up a bit too much in our heads, because while the Sapphic pairing was titillating, it still spank-ranks below the lesbian love scenes in Henry and June, Wild Things and Bound. So unfortunately for Darren Aronofsky (and my penis), we must judge Black Swan solely by its artistic virtues.

This is not to say that Black Swan is an unremarkable film.  It was visually stunning and contained ballet sequences impressive enough that I can say so without having to punch something lest my masculinity be called into question.  But it didn’t blow me away. Until recently, Darren Aronofsky made two types of films: Those that I loved (Pi, The Wrestler) and those that I hated (Requiem for a Dream, The Fountain). With Black Swan he bridged the gap for me. Was it art? Certainly. Was it enjoyable? Without question. But something about it rang a little hollow; it lacked a bit of that intangible quality that we in the biz call “soul.” Basically it was the cinematic equivalent of Arcade Fire’s last record, and the fact that I’m able to compare it to an Arcade Fire record should tell you everything you need to know.

Still, this is just one man’s opinion, and Oscar winners are not left up to me (or my penis) alone. So let us now scrutinize Black Swan’s Best Picture chances using our scientifically-vetted ranking categories.

RETARD STRENGTH (4/5): It’s hard not to love Natalie Portman; she’s beautiful, brainy, Jewish (it’s a fetish, sue me) and has that adorable nails-on-a-chalkboard laugh.  She’s also a genuine good person: I mean she’s nice enough to have that gay man’s baby, right? However with the exception of her work in Leon (I’m sure I’m not the only “To Catch a Predator” alum to list that film in his Top 5), she’d never really impressed me with her actressing, that is until Black Swan.  Her turn as the schizophrenia-tarded ballerina whose quest for perfection drives her past the edge of sanity was definitely the performance of her career, making her a favorite to take the Shiny Gold Dude for Best Actress. The retard is strong with this one.

SOCIAL RELEVANCE (2/5): Does Black Swan have a message? Perhaps that if we smother our children and make them surrogate vessels for our own unrealized dreams, they’ll end up as self-mutilating, bulimic, obsessive loonies who fantasize about having gay sex with “That 70s Show” cast members. And while I think that’s a lesson certain parents could stand to learn (looking at you, Dad!), I wouldn’t go so far as to call it “socially relevant.” (Call me, Ashton!)

EPICOSITY (3/5): Visually speaking, it was my favorite Aronofsky film yet, combining the verité style he employed in The Wrester with the more bombastic, bells-and-whistles approach of Requiem and The Fountain. And the ballet scenes were outstanding… er, I mean… Hot chicks!  Superbowl! UFC! Pick-up truck! I wouldn’t go so far as to call Black Swan “epic,” but like Natalie Portman’s ubiquitous nipple hard-ons, it sure was nice to look at.

UPLIFT (0/5): As heartwarming as an overdose on sleeping pills. Euthanizing a leukemia kid’s puppy would be more uplifting.

TOTAL POWER RANKING (2.25/5): Black Swan is a film Darren Aronofsky can be proud of, and it certainly earned him a high five from anyone who’s ever wondered what it’d be like to see Mila Kunis go down on Natalie Portman (meaning, everyone). But if it’s a Shiny Gold Dude he’s hoping to take home, he should ease up on the bleak and throw in a bit more heart.

This demo reel reveals many of the techniques that went into makin Black Swan such an understated yet striking film. Reflections of cameramen were removed from dance studi mirrors, lots of “head replacements” took place, and animated tattoos were placed on Mila Kunis‘ back while she “kissed” Ms. Portman. Also, Vincent Cassel died 17 days into filming and they had to use a CGI representation of him. Just kidding. I think. (/Film)

The ad is set to premiere in Europe in March, and the US a few months after that. (via The Playlist)

What is Age of Rage? Does it have anything to do with the awesome 4chan meme? Sadly, “no.” Or as Rageguy would say, “ffffuuuuuuu–” It’s a post-apocalyptic world where children rule the planet, because all the adults are dead. I’m guessing the phrase “Mad Max meets Lord of the Flies” was uttered more than once at the Fox Searchlight offices.

Heyman (“hey man!”) began his career working as an executive at Darren Aronofsky’s Protozoa Pictures, and has transitioned into the far more glamorous world of having to take shitty notes from executives that you know will ruin everything, aka screenwriting. He’s currently penning the futuristic thriller Machine Man for Mandalay. (Hollywood Reporter)

Clothes on Film

“Well, we’re actually doing one. It hasn’t really been announced, I don’t know if I should give you the scoop! But we’re getting there. We’re doing a comic book of a script that’s really hard to make and we’re going to do a comic version first and see what happens…”

Doing a comic adaptation of a failed screenplay would not be an unprecedented move for Aronofsky, who performed a similar trick with The Fountain after it seemed that movie wasn’t going to get made. Some are speculating that he’s talking about doing a comic version of his screenplay for Batman: Year One, which would be weird since that already IS a comic book (and a really good one too, if you care about such things). Others are suggesting that he’s talking about another project altogether, so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Anyway, Aronofsky has a better reason than most to be pissed at Mr. White, after his slam on the director’s latest effort, Black Swan. In it, White unfavorably compares Aronofsky’s movie to Kanye West‘s 30-minute-plus music video for the song “Runaway.” Try and figure out if this is real or a parody:

Our dumbed-down film culture is likely to prefer Black Swan precisely because: 1.) It is insipid; 2.) It glamorizes white petulance without specifically identifying its sociological or cultural sources; 3.) Its nonsense is familiar.

The article also says Aronofsky apologized afterward, but honestly, who cares about that?

That's it. Play with it...nice and slow.

Everyone knows that the Golden Globes are a joke, so why not have some joke quotes to go with them? Here are ten truthful celebrity reactions we’d like to have seen.

While I’m honored to be nominated for best actress in a comedy, there’s nothing funny about a film with a $100 million budget taking in only $16.5 million in its opening weekend.
-Angelina Jolie, The Tourist

I’d like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for recognizing the importance of a film that allows hipsters to experience the plot of “How I Met Your Mother” without having to subject themselves to network TV.
-Ryan Gosling, Blue Valentine

Who thinks I’m Michael Cera now, bitch? Scott Pilgrim vs. my dick!
-Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network

I’m nominated for Alice too? Quit yankin’ my c*ck, buddy. Nobody would pay for that nomination.
-Johnny Depp, Alice in Wonderland

I’m honored, but I’m no hero. I’m just a guy who got Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis to go at it on film. Wait a minute…come to think of it I am a goddamn hero!
-Darren Aronofsky, Black Swan


I’d like to thank my talented writing staff. Without them, none of this would have ever been possible. Ha, just kidding!
-Frank Darabont, “The Walking Dead”


Who’d I have to sleep with to get a nomination? No, seriously. My agent told me I’d have to sleep with someone.
-Halle Berry, Frankie and Alice


Oh, good for meeeeeeee!
-Christian Bale, The Fighter

Don’t tell me not to fly, I’ve simply got to! If someone takes a spill it’s me and– (line “disconnected”)
-Chris Colfer, “Glee”

It’s an honor just to be nominated. We weren’t nominated? Screw this, let’s go score some coke. Yo drive. Cause I said so, you fat f#$%!
-Charlie Sheen, “Two and a Half Men“