Will the bixesual trainwreck be paired with a man or woman? Will he commit sexual assault on the first episode, or will he hold out as long as he can and do it sometime during the opening credits of the second one? These are the questions that apparently none of the TV execs who cast family-friendly reality shows asked.

Maybe they could pair him with Bjork or Naomi Campbell and see if they can melt the studio walls with a nexus of insanity.

Dancing with the Stars will air sometime this…eh. Who cares?

Wait. I also remember Mark Cuban dancing dressed as a hobo, but that’s probably just because I’m a Mavericks fan.

Anyway, ABC has released the list of contestants today, and it’s a very, very sad state of affairs. The problem with drawing from B-list celebs for thirteen seasons is that there really aren’t that many B-list celebs, so you have to make your way further down the list in short order.

How far down the list? URKEL far. So far that there’s a guy referred to as the “Mexican Brad Pitt,” even though he’s actually from Cuba. That’s pretty damn far down the list.

I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s get to making fun of the “celebrities.”

Maria Menounos

This one I get. She’s regularly on TV (Extra), and she’s really hot, so she’s a bit of a no brainer. She fills the Stacy Keibler and Erin Andrews niches. Congratulations on your hotness, Maria. Try not to fall over while performing spins.

William Levy

Despite having a name that makes him sound like an entertainment attorney (cause it’s Jewish, you see), this guy is the aforementioned “Mexican Brad Pitt” who actually hails from Cuba. He’s an actor/model, and probably serves to capture two desirable markets: Latinos and straight women. It’s also stated on THR’s site that he’s “likely best known for playing the love interest in Jennifer Lopez’s ‘I’m Into You’ video.” Which means that he’s probably not very well-known at all.

Sherri Shepard

Some cursory research tells me that Sherri is a panelist on The View. Apparently her decision to join DWTS is “much-hyped” because she had been publicly debating on The View whether or not she should appear on DWTS. The only thing more insufferable than a person who takes a job on a reality contest is the person who drags out the decision-making process in a public forum. I would seriously rather hear about how someone’s Fantasy Football league is going or ask a guy what his worst poker beat was.

Unfortunately, Cain declined. According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Cain’s executive assistant offered up this little gem, playing to his 9-9-9 philosophy: “He can’t dance in an eight-count. He can only dance in a nine-count.”

Take as long as you need to compose yourself from all that laughter.

No reason was given for his refusal, but one can assume that because Herman Cain doesn’t have a huge stockpile of dignity behind him anymore, he should probably hoard every morsel, and that strategy doesn’t mesh will with appearing on dancing reality programs.

The show was reportedly eying Michelle Bachmann as well, though her camp hasn’t given a response on the matter. We wait with bated breath.

Crying

I’m willing to guess that Tobey Maguire would run away with this competition, but you’ll have to watch to find out! Different tactics could be used to make the contestants cry. You could describe out loud to Kate Hudson the projects she’ taken since her promising start in Almost Famous. You could tell Richard Gere exactly what people think when they hear his name, or you could show Paz de la Huerta pictures of what she looks like at photographed events.

Contestants will be judged on tear quantity, snot factor, and involuntary convulsions

F*cking

Is Krsiten Cavallari better in bed than 2011 NBA Finals MVP Dirk Nowtizki? There’s only one way to find out! However, because there are so many variables that need to be controlled, the women will have to bang the same man, and the men the same woman. Offhand, I would suggest that the women all get up on popular character actor William H. Macy, while the men bang out the chick that plays Artemis on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

40% of the score will be determined by the sex partner, 25% by a judge or referee that is extremely close to the sex, and 35% by the crowd for “style” points (flexing, licking your lips, high-pitched moans, etc). The real problem is that this premise really does preclude a “kids” version, which is a shame, cause I would watch kids do every other thing on this list, but I have to draw the line. I’m firmly entrenched in the “no” camp of the exhibition of graphic underage sex on national television. It may not be a popular stance, but it’s the one I’ve chosen to take.

A fetish group with the deceptively innocuous name clips4sale.com has publicly expressed their interest in procuring from ABC a three-second Dancing with the Stars clip in which Nancy Grace purportedly drops ass. The group has stated, ”We wish to acquire this for our members of our website who are “Flatulophiliacs” or simply put, “Fart Fanatics.”

There’s so much I still don’t know about the world.

The gazillion-dollar question is, of course, did Nancy Grace fart, or was it another party on or off-camera. I analyzed this pretty scientifically, and here’s what conclusion I have drawn:

Nancy Grace looks like a farter.

*boom goes the gavel*

We here at Screen Junkies don’t watch the show because we were naturally blessed with two hype feet and fly off into a rage whenever we hear the voice of Tom Bergeron. Therefore, we don’t really have an opinion on this matter beyond, “What’s the big deal?”

He was a she and now he’s wearing a stylish vest and squaring off against Nancy Grace. There’s no harm in that. Besides, there are several beloved celebrities who resemble Chaz Bono. For instance….

Val Kilmer

He’ll be starring in movies alongside 50 Cent in no time.

John Goodman

Mostly it’s the shirt. Chaz should hold on to that in case he wants to be Dan Tanner for Halloween.

Kevin Smith

There’s no way they’d be able to sit next to one another on the same flight.

Click ‘Next Page’ for more Chaz Bono lookalikes…

To be clear, I have zero interest in “Dancing with the Stars.” But internet traffic being what it is, I have to chase the trends. That’s why I decided to have two of our writers (Wookie Johnson and Penn Collins) debate a hot topic that’s on everyone’s mind: Would you rather sleep with Nancy Grace or Chaz Bono?

There’s not a lot of upside to either choice. Chaz has that whole “gender swamping” thing going on, which, for some people, is a turn off. On the other hand, Nancy Grace has that whole “being Nancy Grace” thing going on, which is also a huge turn off. It’s a tough choice. We best leave it to the professionals. Take it away, Wookie and Penn…

Wookie Johnson: Chaz Bono, hands down. Who would pass up the opportunity to be with rock n’ roll royalty? As the only child of Sonny and Cher, Chaz undoubtedly gets into the best parties. Vanity Fair party? No problem. Tickets to the Tony’s? No big whoop. Dodgers box-seats? Whatever, I’ll go because I love nachos. Plus, Chaz could definitely score free tickets to see Burlesque. And I think we can all agree that free is the only way to see Burlesque.

Not only that, but we’re talking about the lead singer of Ceremony here. Ceremony! Have you ever been with a lead signer? No offense, but you strike me more as the type to get with the bassist. Maybe drummer. Maybe.

Penn Collins: While it’s hard (read: impossible) to argue that this isn’t a case of “the lesser of two evils,” Chaz Bono in this case is WAY more evil than Nancy Grace. Grace hosted a show on Court TV called “Swift Justice with Nancy Grace.” That’s a sexy television show title. I’m getting pretty fired up just slowly whispering the words “Swift Justice with Nancy Grace” to myself right now. Further, Nancy Grace is married, which means our relationship would be little more than raw animal sex. I like to keep things casual, Wookie. You know that about me.

Also, she has the fact that she isn’t a dude going for her. That’s huge, because I’m a straight guy, and item one on my “Do I want to sleep with this person?” checklist is “Is the person in question female?” If the answer is “no,” then I move on to another candidate. Apparently, the whole male/female thing isn’t as pressing for you. While I applaud your bisexual swinging lifestyle, Wookie, it’s just not for me.

I will concede two points: Nancy Grace doesn’t have the pedigree that Chaz has, nor is she the lead singer of a band (to my knowledge. I haven’t conducted as much research for this discussion as it merits).

Finally, please don’t presume to know how many lead singers I’ve been with. I dated Tracy Chapman for six months in 1995.

Wookie Johnson: Court TV? That hardly even counts as being on TV at all. Are you also excited by play titles?

Yes. The penis thing. I suspected you might bring this up. Though I do identify myself as a heterosexual and have never had a gay experience, I would do so in this case. This has less to do with an attraction to Chaz (though he seems pretty chill), than it does with a repulsion to Nancy Grace. Look at that hair. She looks like Lime Cat.

I would also much prefer to stare deep into Chaz’s eyes than I would into Nancy’s nostrils. I find them far more distracting than a penis.

Penn Collins: First of all, Nancy Grace’s hair frames her face wonderfully. It’s pretty clear we are running out of praises to sing about our choices, so we’re simply attacking the alternative. I’m on board.

The name Chaz, besides the fact that it’s, you know, a man’s name, isn’t one I could get behind. Chaz isn’t a sexy name. Nancy Grace is a beautiful name…a name that belongs to a classy lady who owns several chiffon negligees and has a four-post bed in which to make love.

“Chaz” sounds like someone who would try to fingerblast you at the Gathering of the Juggalos.

Further, I agree with Nancy Grace’s value system. I don’t know what Chaz Bono’s stance on murder is, but I know from the coverage of the Casey Anthony trial that Mrs. Grace is against it. Also, with Nancy Grace, I don’t have to have that awkward “top or bottom” conversation that so often kills the mood.

Wookie Johnson: Little known fact; Chaz took his name from the “All That Chaz” episode of “Charles In Charge.” You see, Chaz is the totally awesome alter-ego to Scott Baio‘s straight-laced Charles that appears whenever he suffers traumatic head injury. Speaking of traumatic head injury, what is wrong with YOUR penis that it can grow firm in the presence of Nancy Grace’s voice?

I do agree with you that murder is bad, but murder is not the case that they gave us. Please stay on subject.

Penn Collins: Stay on the subject? The subject is boning Nancy Grace and Chaz Bono. We might be dumber than we were before starting this debate. The only compelling case made here is that no one should sleep with either Chaz Bono or Nancy Grace..unless they’re in love with them and, or married to them.

Here are seven movie rednecks that Grace would have an opinion about. If these stories were actually true, she wouldn’t have time to be on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Karl Childers, Sling Blade

A mentally-handicapped man, a crime of passion, and the state-run facility that released him to kill again. A story like this could feed the Grace children for years on end.

Max Cady, Cape Fear

During a 14 year prison term, violent rapist Max Cady took the opportunity to learn what letters mean and discovered that his public defender intentionally withheld information that could have exonerated him. Upon release, he stalks the public defender and terrorizes his family before kidnapping and attempting to kill them. So sorry, Nancy. No murders here. But on the bright side, there’s still a rape. That’s pretty good, right?

Thelma Dickinson and Louise Sawyer, Thelma & Louise

Now we’re talking. Rape, murder, robbery, an explosion, manhunts, and a police chase resulting in death. Momma needs a new pair of shoes.

That’s crap. The show should only pick stars baed on their unintentional humor quotient. This quotient could be an amalgam of: how strange the person looks, how seriously they take themselves, how logistically difficult it would be for that person to participate in a dance contest, and other factors that would make the show tolerable to watch.

9. Steve Buscemi

We see him dance (well) on Boardwalk Empire, but that context lends itself to taking him seriously. I want to see Mr. Buscemi dressed up in a black leather jacket with greased hair, tossing some girl in a poodle skirt around to “Rock Around The Clock.”

8. Kristen Stewart

Why? Because twitchy people have a difficult time sitting still when they are being lowered for tango dips. Also, the sour look on her face while performing the Charleston would be indicative of the duality of man, or something.

7. Peter Dinklage

Because he’s so short, you see?

A word from Petra: “I love to dance. I can dance for, like, four or five hours nonstop without even drinking water. It’s a beautiful, beautiful thing.”

Known mostly as “that hot chick on Dancing with the Stars,” Julianne Hough may be the sole reason men tune into the show, disregarding the fact that they’ll be forced to see former sports heroes at incredibly low points in their lives.

A word from Julianne: "A lot of people know me as a dancer, but this album shows a different side of me. I’ve experienced a lot for someone my age that a lot of people will be able to relate to."

You’re 22 years old, Julianna. Unless a lot of turmoil occured before your 18th birthday, I doubt people will relate much.

More blonde and piercing blue eyes after the jump.

Cheryl Burke is a two-time Emmy nominated professional dancer. As a professional dancer partner, she won the competition in the second and third seasons of "Dancing with the Stars" with celebrity dance partners Drew Lachey (February 2006) and Emmitt Smith (November 2006). She is of Filipino, Russian, and Irish descent, which makes for one bomb cocktail.  

A word from Cheryl: "My greatest achievements in dancing are still to come."

Come on, Cheryl. You taught Drew Lachey how to cut a rug. God has nothing left in store for you.

Dancing does a body good after the jump.

Pamela Anderson is a gorgeous Canadian model/actress with beautiful American cleavage. She has posed in playboy five times and been in three different hit TV shows, including the über-popular “Baywatch.” She is (was?) considered one of the most beautiful people in the world.

A word from Pamela: “I have this phobia: I don’t lik mirrors. And I don’t watch myself on television. If anything comes on, I make them shut it off, or I leave the room.”

I usually do that when I see you now too. And you have no idea how it breaks my heart.

More pics of Pam back in her glory days after the jump.

Nicole Scherzinger is the Queen Pussycat of The Pussycat Dolls. She tried to go solo, but it seems she’s only a success when surrounded by the rest of her pussies.

A word from Nicole: "I’m a beast of a woman who loves Jeff."

Now I’m a shadow of a man who hates Jeff. He always ruins everything…

Check out more pics of the beast Nicole after the jump.

A blast from the past! A middle school fascination. A reason to "borrow" periodicals from the local Walgreens. Kathy Ireland used to be the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition it girl, and now she dances the mambo on television for charity dollars. Let’s hope that money goes to the kids whose fingers bleed as they sew together the items in the Kathy Ireland Worldwide Catalogue.

A word from Kathy: "At the moment of conception, life starts."

I’m not touching that one with a ten foot pole…

Here are some Pro-Licious pics after the jump!

Who gives a twirling sh*t if Joanna Krupa can dance? I certainly don’t. Hey ABC, get a pole up on that stage and watch your ratings skyrocket. Joanna is one of the sexiest woman alive, which is clearly evident by the aurora borealis of "daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!" above. No tap shoes required. 

A word from Joanna: "I get so sick of wearing lingerie for shoots that I don’t even go to Victoria’s Secret"

Lingerie is overrated anyway. Nothing always works. Or bath bubbles. Personally, I prefer the Robocop brand of liquid suds. 

You have ten seconds to comply with the pics after the jump.

Host: Tom Bergeron

Synopsis: Celebrities partner up with professional dancers and compete against each other in weekly elimination rounds to determine a winner.

Today’s Dancing girl is Ukrainian Karina Smirnoff, who joined “Dancing with the Stars” in Season 3, and has… stayed on the show ever since. (If you’ve been following this series of galleries, you may have picked up on a trend.)  The closest Karina ever came to winning was in her inaugural season, during which she partnered with Greg Louganis impersonator Mario Lopez.   This season, she’d been cutting a rug with Apple founder Steve Wozniak, but was sadly eliminated  in the fourth round when she got lost in the rug that is Wozniak’s beard.

Pointless Quote: “I just kept smiling, but it hurt.”

Check out the photos of Karina after the jump, or these other Dancing with the Stars Chicks: Cheryl Burke, Julianna Hough, Kym Johnson

Today’s dancing girl is Julianne Hough, a Utah native who came to “Dancing with the Stars” in Season 4 and promptly won that season’s competish with her partner, Olympian Apollo Anton Ono.  In Season 5, she partnered with Helio Castroneves and did the double, becoming the shows’ only other back-to-back winner besides Cheryl Burke.  She’s also a Country music recording artist with a Mormon background, which might explain why she’s usin the American flag to conceal herself from heathen eyes in the photo above.  Or she’s just the sexiest patriot alive.  Move over, Tom Brady.

Random Quote: “Oh I wish you could love yourself, the way that I do.” – From her song, “Love Yourself” off her self-titled debut.

CHECK OUT THE PHOTOS OF JULIANNE AFTER THE JUMP, or these other Dancing with the Stars Chicks: Cheryl Burke, Kym Johnson, Karina Smirnoff

Today’s dancing girl is Kym Johnson, who came to "Dancing with the Stars" in Season 3, and has been with the show ever since.  The Aussie has never won, but has twice come in as first runner up with partners Joey Fatone and Warren "QBK" Sapp.  She was partnered this season with comedian David Alan Grier, whose Comedy Central show "Chocolate News" unfortunately had a shorter run than one of his and Kym’s Paso Dobles. 

Random Quote: "I’m not the least bit high-maintenance."

Check out the photos of Kym after the jump, or these other Dancing with the Stars Chicks: Cheryl Burke, Julianna Hough, Karina Smirnoff

Well, a ton of TV shows are about to cool it for the summer, but Screenjunkies wanted to heat things back up a little, so this week, we’re honoring our favorite dancing girls from this season of ABC’s "Dancing with the Stars." 

Today’s girl is Cheryl Burke, came to "Dancing with the Stars" in Season 2, and has never left, becoming the show’s first two-time champ with partners Drew Lachey and Emmitt Smith (in Seasons 2 and 3, respectively). 

Random Quote: "I want kids or women out there to realize you don’t have to be anorexic to be beautiful. There’s a lot of pressure living this Hollywood life."

Let this be a lesson to everyone.  You don’t have to have an eating disorder.  You just need to dance non-stop. 

Check out the photos Cheryl after the jump or these other Dancing with the Stars Chicks: Kym Johnson, Julianna Hough, Karina Smirnoff