Screen Junkies » dabney coleman Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Wed, 17 Dec 2014 20:49:34 +0000 en hourly 1 ‘At Water’s Edge’ (Dabney Coleman Erotic Fan Fiction – Chapter 19) Fri, 10 Feb 2012 19:11:21 +0000 Penn Collins My adventure with Dabney comes to an end. Or does it?

The post ‘At Water’s Edge’ (Dabney Coleman Erotic Fan Fiction – Chapter 19) appeared first on Screen Junkies.

Screen Junkies is proud to present ‘At Water’s Edge’, the final chapter in an ongoing work of Dabney Coleman-themed erotic fan fiction written by our own Penn Collins.

Click here for the previous installment of Dabney Coleman erotic fan fiction, ‘More Than I Bargained For’ and ‘Enter the Alpha Dog‘.

******Chapter 19******

With LeDoux dead, and Gene Hackman choppered off to get his arm reattached, we stood alone, Dabney and I. His daughter was safe, but that was of little consolation. As we stood on the abandoned South Carolina road, a blacked-out Range Rover and two black Suburbans came barreling towards us, spitting up dust.

“Are you coming with me?” Dabney asked with a thousand-yard stare into the distance? “We can get you wherever you need to go.”

“No thank you, Dabney,” I said. “Trouble has a way of sniffing you out. I’m going to wait for the police.”

“Suit yourself. And at the risk of stating the obvious, I’d prefer it if you left my name out of the conversations with police and federal agents. We’ve had a rocky relationship over the years, and I’d like to just go my own way. I’m sure you understand.” He trailed off as he said that last part.

Grabbing my arm, I scanned the horizons for another sign of life. I saw none. “Yeah, I figured you were going to say that. I can keep my mouth shut about you. I was planning on it.”

“You’re a good friend, Penn,” Dabney said, staring deep into my eyes.

“Likewise, Dabs. Though you’re a dangerous one as well.” With that, we both started laughing, softly at first, then uproariously as a way of coping what we’d been through. The gunshot wounds, the kidnapping of Dabney’s daughter, Evangeline Lily’s violent death at the hands of Dabney and that bloodied cinder block. We couldn’t go another ten feet if we tried. This was the end of the line for us.

As the car pulled up, Dabney and I participated in a nine-step handshake that we both kept up with very nicely, then gave each other bro hugs before he found his way back to the Range Rover. I stood in the middle of the road, with nothing to do but wait for the police.

No sooner did I think that than a black helicopter cleared the tree line and came towards us. Finally the police had arrived.

Dabney looked up at the sky and said, “Run! Those aren’t the police!” He jumped into his SUV and took off for about twenty seconds, until, almost simultaneously, the Suburbans bookending this caravan were hit with missiles and exploded.

I watched, frozen. Of course, being the good friend that I am, my first instinct was to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. But after taking to quick steps to come to Dabney’s aid. I froze. A million things were going through my mind, but only one stuck: I wanted to go home.

With that, I made a heel turn, then started ambling down the road, not even turning back at the secondary explosions caused by the gas tanks. I put on my sunglasses and tossed my pistol to the side of the road. I walked for about five miles before the sun started to set. Off to the side of the road was a creek. Very thirsty, I walked over to the perimeter and reached down with my hand, splashing water on my face and neck.

I looked down at the rippling water. I could see the general shape of my reflection, but the man that stood before me was unrecognizable. It’s then that I realized that the warped reflection was a metaphor. That I could no longer be the man I used to be. I had just walked away from my best friend in the face of danger, never thinking twice about it.


I read two days later in the Washington Post that Dabney Coleman had died of a heart attack. I didn’t believe that for a second. He faked his death to get back under the radar, so that he can continue to exist. But that article made me wonder if he actually was dead, to me. Would I ever see him again? Would he want to see me after I abandoned him. Though I acted out of selfishness, I like to think that Dabney would understand. He chose this life for himself, not me. I did the best I could, but I don’t have the steel constitution to make this a lifestyle.

Though my fear is that I’ll never see Dabney again, or worse, that the heart attack story was real, if I was a betting man, I would put money on the fact that I’m not done with Dabney Coleman just yet. He has a way of sucking you in to whatever mess he’s made for himself.

And I can’t wait to be a part of it.

The End?

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]]> 0 5410131231_af7e6951ee Here I am. "At water's edge." range rover blackhelicopter21
‘Enter The Alpha Dog’ (Dabney Coleman Erotic Fan Fiction – Chapter 17) Fri, 03 Feb 2012 20:45:41 +0000 Penn Collins Our encounter makes us wonder who the REAL animals are.

The post ‘Enter The Alpha Dog’ (Dabney Coleman Erotic Fan Fiction – Chapter 17) appeared first on Screen Junkies.

Screen Junkies is proud to present ‘Enter The Alpha Dog’, the latest chapter in an ongoing work of Dabney Coleman-themed erotic fan fiction written by our own Penn Collins.

Click here for the previous installment of Dabney Coleman erotic fan fiction, ‘More Than I Bargained For’.

******Chapter 17******

As I checked the rearview mirror, the nagging doubt overtook all three of us. Maybe our journey had reached its end. With Dabney Coleman and I exhausted of all leads in this case, we were operating on empty tanks. I don’t know how Dabney found the strength to face every day, having been forced at gunpoint to execute Evangeline Lily with a cinder block. I’m guessing that at this point, Dabney was operating as more animal than man.

I, on the other hand, was feeling all too human. After taking down the Croation mob and their American contact, J.J. Abrams, I knew I would spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. I didn’t need to ask for trouble to know that I was going to find it sooner or later. Dabney was my best friend in the entire world, but we were going nowhere fast, even with the expert computer-hacking skills of Dabney’s right-hand man, Gene Hackman.

Gene had taken some time off after The Royal Tenenbaums wandering around Far East Asia, working as a gun for hire for those few that could afford him. He’d been out of the game a couple years now, but, like me, decided that he couldn’t sit idly by while Dabney saught vengeance. No, we wanted to help him.

Driving in from the private airfield in Savannah, Georgia, it looked like someone had been expecting us. Two black Range Rovers were following us. Without letting them know I was on to the tail, I discreetly sped up and sped down, while the tail cars did the same, only more slowly. I realized then that these cars were slower because they were armored. Someone important was in that car.

But who?

I tossed Gene the binoculars. “We got company.”

Gene peered at our tails and read out the following:

“X-Ray, Tango, Romeo, Romeo, Four, Nine, Bravo, Six.”

Dabney wrote the license plate number down with his one good arm. Using a NexTel CommStat backdoor patch, Gene was able to access the Georgia DMV. The cars were registered to TelDyne Industries, the same TelDyne industries that Meghan Coleman was investigating before she was kidnapped. The same one that we suspected of forcing Dabney to beat Evangeline Lily to death.

“Change of plans,” Gene said, buried in his computer screen. We’re going to pay the CEO of TelDyne, Augustus LeDoux, a visit.

For the next five minutes, on the drive to Augustus plantation manor, we rode in silence. Though Dabney was cool on the surface, I could feel him seething underneath. I could still see the blood on his knuckles for God’s sake. Someone had to pay.

As we pulled up to the gate of the estate, we were faced with an intercom and a camera. Before I could turn to the backseat for advice, the speaker crackled.

“Dabney Coleman, I presume?”

Dabney muttered with his teeth clenched, “That’s right you son of a bitch. I’m gonna bury you. The same way I buried Abrams.”

“By all means then, enter. I would like to straighten this mess out as much as you would, I’m sure,” the intercom said, coldly. “Please pull through.”

A black butler in a tuxedo greeted us at the door. The LeDoux family had run all of the deep south’s criminal activity since Reconstruction, and they were treated with equal parts respect and fear by the residents. As we walked in, we were stunned to see Augustus walk down the spiral staircase to meet us.

“But…but…but your bio said that you were paralyzed in a boar-hunting accident over 15 years ago,” Gene said, slowly reaching for the knife strapped to his left ankle.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Mr. Hackman. Do you really think I would let you in if I didn’t feel 100% secure that I could kill you?” Augustus asked rhetorically. “Come with me. There’s something I’d like to show you.”

As we walked through acres of land behind his house, we came to a corrugated metal structure. Once LeDoux began to slide the door open and enter, dozens of dogs barking echoed out over the land. I knew what we were walking into.

A captain of criminal industry, LeDoux was nonetheless a southern boy, through and through. Consequently, rumors and innuendo’s abounded about the LeDoux’s family involvement in dogfighting. However, no one breathed a word of such allegations after Janet Hotchkiss, a reporter for the Miami Herald, disappeared while working on a dogfighting expose.

If that wasn’t suspicious enough, we had the proof right in front of us.

Over 60 dobermans, and pit bulls barked incessantly in their cages as we passed through the foul-smelling room. Dabney, a very outspoken animal lover, looked visibly shaken. He certainly didn’t need this piled on top of his problems.

“I’ve put myself in a bit of a quandary,” LeDoux said with a slow southern drawl. A victim of my own pride, I wanted to show you my animals, but you know as well as I do that since you’ve seen them, I can’t let you leave…alive.

No sooner did I see that than two of LeDoux’s henchmen took Gene Hackman and hung him upside down, painting his arm with barbecue sauce. He had a look of abject fear that quickly turned to resignation as he knew to expect the worse. If LeDoux had his way, we were all going to die in this building.

With a slight nod from LeDoux, the thugs grabbed Gene and slammed him up against the last cage in the row. “This is my pride and joy. A purebred pitbull named Esteban. I’ve seen him take apart a pig in 45 seconds. What do you think he’ll do to Mr. Hackman’s arm? Need that hand for typing, Gene?”

Gene sat their stoically as the dog came over and started gnawing away at his hand. It was only when I saw Augustus LeDoux put the pistol in Dabney’s hand that I realized this was an exercise to torment Dabney, and that Gene’s suffering was incidental.

The parameters were unspoken, but very clear. Dabney can shoot the innocent dog, trained to be a killing machine by man, or he can watch his friend’s arm be taken off in extremely painful fashion.

No sooner than the gun touched his palm than Dabney spun around and put one shot in LeDoux’s head. The henchman immediately fired on us, allowing Gene to break free, though the damage to his hand was evident. We all headed into the maze of dog crates, affording us temporary refuge from the gunfire.

LeDoux had only put one bullet in the gun. He was no idiot. So we weren’t going to be able to shoot our way out. We were going to have to use diplomacy.

“Hold your fire!” Dabney Coleman said to our pursuers. “I think we can reach an understanding…”

******Chapter 17******

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‘More Than I Bargained For’ (Dabney Coleman Erotic Fan Fiction) Thu, 26 Jan 2012 17:13:10 +0000 Penn Collins A movie set turns deadly as I visit my good friend Dabney Coleman.

The post ‘More Than I Bargained For’ (Dabney Coleman Erotic Fan Fiction) appeared first on Screen Junkies.

Screen Junkies is proud to present the first installment of More Than I Bargained For, an ongoing work of Dabney Coleman-themed erotic fan fiction written by our own Penn Collins.

******Chapter 1******

“Hey, Dabney Coleman!”

Before I could get another sentence out, Dabney Coleman gave me a great big bear hug, and didn’t have to say anything. I could see it in his eyes – he was excited to see me.

“This is my good friend Penn, he has clearance to go anywhere on the set, so don’t hassle him,” he told the security guard at the Paramount lot, walking with purpose to the soundstage. “And he’ll probably give us a lot of script notes. We trust his judgment when it comes to blockbuster movies.”

I had never felt so good in my life. I was visiting my childhood friend Dabney Coleman on the set of the new J.J. Abrams movie, which is so shrouded in mystery that I can’t even talk about it in my fan fiction. And now I hear that Dabney and J.J. wanted NOTES from me? This was amazing. So far, this was shaping up to be the best day of my life.

Little did I know that only minutes later, it was going to become the worst.

When we arrived on the soundstage, there were several AMAZING creatures that, again, I’m not able to talk about, but rest assured, they were way cooler than the Cloverfield monster. I have gotten permission to mention that in this new film, which J.J. Abrams described as a “paranormal mystery,” my friend Dabney plays both the hero AND the villain. It was rumored to be a real game-changer of a film, and I was going to be a part of it.

After a lot of standing around, the J.J. yelled “action” and clicked that thing, starting the scene. An animatronic monster thrashed around while Dabney Coleman dive-tackled Evangeline Lily, sending her safely behind a dumpster only moments before a huge explosion. Of course, the sound for the explosion was going to be added in post, which made for an oddly silent event.

J.J. kept asking for extra takes because Dabney was so adept in the scene that he appeared to be a professional soldier in these takes, even though his character was simply a school teacher trying to save his students. Over and over again they rolled, trying to find one take where Dabney Coleman didn’t look like an ass-kicking machine. He couldn’t help it. It was in his nature.

Sometime around the eighth take, the pyrotechnics went off as usual, but the reaction shot was ruined by some light seeping into the soundstage. Someone had opened the exterior door, getting daylight into the supposedly nighttime shot. No sooner did J.J. throw down his clipboard and yell “cut” than Dabney spun around and saw exactly who had walked through that door.

“PENN! RUN!” Dabney yelled as he threw Evangeline Lily over his shoulder and jumped into the prop dumpster, just as an RPG flew by him, reducing the animatronic monster to a burning mess.

“ARE YOU OK?” he yelled, unable to see me.

“Yeah. What’s going on?” I yelled to no one in particular.

“When I count to three run as fast as you can and get in this dumpster…ONE…TWO…THREE!”

Dabney popped up from the dumpster, firing two gold automatic pistols. The attackers immediately returned heavy fire. From the sound of the guns, there were at least three of them. I held up for on moment, knowing they would have to reload. They were shooting MP5s with extended clips – they couldn’t go on firing forever.

Upon hearing the lull in gunfire, I ran the last stretch, diving into the dumpster, collapsing on Evangeline Lily. I turned to Dabney. He’d been hit in the shoulder. It didn’t look good.

“We have to get you to a doctor,” I said quietly, but sternly.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Don’t be crazy, Dabney. This isn’t safe for Evangeline, and you’ll be dead in twenty minutes without treatment,” I said, unknowing of exactly what was at stake.

“I…I can’t. Those men have my daughter.” The words hung in the air as Dabney grimly reloaded his pistols, one reading “Dabney” across the barrel, the other, simply, “Coleman.”

“They took Kelly?” I asked incredulously. “How?”

“Not Kelly. Meghan. I have information that they want, and they kidnapped her to make sure that I give it to them.”

“We have to call the cops, Dabs! J.J. is out there. We have to save him and Meghan.” I popped up to scan the perimeter, but saw no one.

“J.J.’s working with them, Penn. I had my suspicions for quite some time, and I even signed on to this film so that I could get closer to him. It seems I got too close.”

I turned to Evangeline, who, despite the cuts and soot on her face, had never looked more beautiful. I could see in her eyes that she just wanted to go home. She never signed up for any of this. I took her and embraced her. I never wanted to let go. I was scared too, but Dabney, Evvie, and Meghan all needed me right now.

“Give me a pistol, Dabney. We’re getting out of here and getting your daughter back.”

“Penn, I love you.”

I looked up from my pistol. It wasn’t Evangeline who said it. It was Dabney. I grabbed the back of his neck, pressing his forehead against mine, never breaking my gaze. “I love you, too.”

I’d been waiting so long to hear Dabney say that. We’d been friends for years. I was at Meghan’s christening for God’s sake. I didn’t know how to feel at that moment. I just knew that if I didn’t get him out of there, there would be no future for either of us.

Evangeline looked uncomfortable.

“Now let’s get out of here.”

I popped out of the dumpster, scanning for threats. After seeing none, I helped Dabney and Evangeline out. As we threw open the soundstage door, we were enveloped in the brightness of the outside world, our journey just beginning.

******End Chapter 1******

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12 Reasons Dabney Coleman Is the Greatest Actor Of Any Generation Thu, 09 Dec 2010 19:31:38 +0000 Jame Gumb Slap on your brain condoms, because you’re about to get mind-f**ked with knowledge about acting great Dabney Coleman.

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When you hear the name Dabney Coleman, what images spring to mind? If your answer is “the image of a question mark,” you’re an imbecile who’s managed to go through life without recognizing one of the greatest actors in the history of the craft. Since the early 60’s, Coleman has been out there busting his ass right along side some of the biggest names in the business. And at the age of 78, he’s still going strong with his latest role on the critically acclaimed HBO drama, “Boardwalk Empire.” While he doesn’t often get the recognition of your big-name stars like Dan Hedaya and James Rebhorn, he deserves just as much, if not more. So slap on your brain condoms, because you’re about to get mind-f**ked with knowledge about acting great Dabney Coleman.

Dabney Coleman Worked with Alfred Hitchcock, Steve McQueen and Elvis Presley

If you were skeptical about my claim that Dabney Coleman is awesome, this should put your hesitation to rest. After all, you can judge a man by the company he keeps, and Mr. Coleman keeps some very good company. He’s worked with Alfred Hitchcock (“The Alfred Hitchcock Hour”) Elvis Presley (The Trouble with Girls) and Steve McQueen (The Towering Inferno). How many people can say that? Add Robert Redford (Downhill Racer), Gene Hackman (Bite the Bullet), Henry Fonda (On Golden Pond) and John Stamos (How to Marry a Billionaire: A Christmas Tale) to that list and tell me this guy isn’t good. You can’t!

Dabney Coleman Worked with the Muppets

I guess working with Steve f**king McQueen wasn’t good enough for you? Well how about Fozzie f**king Bear? Perhaps you’ve also heard of his friend, Kermit T. Frog? I thought so.

Dabney Coleman played a con-artist in The Muppets Take Manhattan, and if the producers of the next Muppet film are smart, they’ll ask him back. After all, if a man can look that intense while acting along side a fake chicken, you know he’s not screwing around.

Dabney Coleman’s in the Second Funniest Movie of All Time

According to the American Film Institute, Tootsie is the second greatest American comedy of all time. I can’t begin to tell you how much I disagree with that ranking. After all, the fact that Dabney Coleman is in the film should push it to number one.

Dabney Coleman’s Mustache Does Not Make Him Look Like a Child Molester

A mustache without a beard or goatee to back it up often comes off as creepy. In fact, nine times out of ten, a guy with a mustache can end up looking like a child molester, or even worse, a hipster. But not Dabney Coleman. He looks so awesome in his mustache that it’s hard to imagine him without it. In fact, rather than giving off the child-molester vibe, Coleman’s ‘stache probably gets him all kinds of attention from the ladies. Which brings me to my next point.

Dabney Coleman Touched Dolly Parton’s Tits with His Face

Coleman had a major role  in the comedy classic, Nine to Five (1980). The film was a hit, thanks in no small part to Coleman’s portrayal of a smarmy, misogynistic boss named Franklin M. Hart Jr. And while the film itself is impressive, what’s even more impressive is the fact that, as the picture above clearly demonstrates, Coleman had the opportunity to touch Dolly Patron’s tits. Keep in mind, this was the early 80’s, before every girl who got touched by her uncle could run out and get implants. If you wanted ridiculously huge breasts, your options were basically limited to Dolly Parton and Elvira, which makes Coleman’s achievement all the more admirable. Way to go, Dabney.

Dabney Coleman Starred in War Games

When it comes to classic Cold War thrillers, you can’t get much better than War Games. And while you probably remember Matthew Broderick stealing the show, it was Dabney Coleman who held that film together. In fact, by the end of production, I bet Coleman’s back hurt from carrying Broderick on it the entire shoot. Screw you, Ferris!

Dabney Coleman’s Literally Too Good at Acting Like a Jerk

In 1983, Dabney Coleman landed a role in “Buffalo Bill,” a show about an egotistical television host. The problem for the show was that Coleman was just too good at playing an asshole character, and audiences didn’t know how to react. Despite the positive reception by critics, the show never found an audience. However, it is considered groundbreaking for its time, and former NBC president Brandon Tartikoff claims that canceling it was his biggest professional regret.

At any rate, please enjoy this totally unrelated clip of Dabney Coleman playing a racist jerk in the film Black Fist.

Two Words: “Drexell’s Class”

This short-lived sitcom aired on Fox between 1991 and 1992. It told the story of a crooked corporate executive who takes a job as a teacher to avoid jail time. Personally, I think the show would have been a huge success if it had stuck with its original title, “Shut Up, Kids!”

Two More Words: Cloak and Dagger

Well, if you count “and,” that’s three words. Who cares! In this classic 80′s kids movie, Coleman plays two roles: a mild mannered dad and an imaginary secret agent named Jack Flack. I’m sure if I watched it now it wouldn’t hold up, but when I was five, it was badass!

Dabney Coleman Made This Awesome Car Chase from Short Time

Coleman must have picked up something while working with Steve McQueen, because this car chase is right up there with the movie Bullitt. In the film, Coleman plays a cop who thinks he is dying, and wants to get killed in the line of duty so his family will get the insurance money. Hilarity ensues.

Dabney Coleman’s Too Good for Law School

In case you hadn’t noticed, Dabney Coleman is one smart mofo. He actually studied law at the University of Texas before realizing that law school is for assholes and moving on to acting. In all fairness, acting is for assholes, too, but Dabney Coleman is the exception.

Dabney Coleman’s Awesome in “Boardwalk Empire”

“Boardwalk Empire” was one of the best new shows of 2010, and it’s coming back for a second season. The show’s popularity can be attributed to its shrewd use of “The Three D’s:” Death, Dames and Dabney Coleman. Any show can throw a bunch of topless girls and mindless violence on the screen, but when you throw Dabney into the mix, it morphs from cheap pulp fiction into a powerful drama. And after his impressive role as Commodore Louis Kaestner, perhaps an Emmy is in the 78-year old’s future. And if not, so what. Dabney Coleman doesn’t need your piece of sh*t statue.

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