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Winona Ryder

Many Hollywood bad girls get involved in garden variety pursuits like drug or alcohol abuse. But Winona Ryder did something that, in its own way, is even worse: shoplifting! When a millionaire movie star is stealing clothes just for the thrill of the crime, you know she’s stolen a seat at the Hollywood Bad Girl Hall of Fame.

Madonna

Unlike many bad girls in Hollywood, Madonna is a shrewd professional in all aspects of her career. Rather than going out of her mind, partying, stealing boyfriends, etc., she pretends to do all of those things, and more, as part of her public persona. But have you ever seen her do “Like A Virgin”? If she’s not a Hollywood bad girl, than nobody is.

Lindsay Lohan

One of the definitive Hollywood bad girls, Lindsay Lohan took the enormous promise she showed as a young child actress and squandered it on sex, drugs, and alcohol. Ain’t that always how it goes? She may be in line for a comeback, though, so don’t rule her out just yet. If her adult performance in Robert Altman’s A Prairie Home Companion is any indication, she still has talent to spare.

However, as the word “equality” would indicate, the floodgates to vote were opened to all women, much as they are to all men, regardless of their ability to make an informed decision about any mundane detail, let alone who the nation’s leader should be. So while there is no question that there are millions of men who would be just as at home on a list like this, there are also millions of women. However, since I don’t feel like writing this article for the next 20 years, I’ve dropped the number to nine and limited the scope to actresses.

Some people just aren’t fit to govern themselves.

9. Tara Reid

We are all really excited about the Big Lebowski sequel that Reid has up her sleeve. Even though neither Coen brother, nor any of the original cast members were aware of such a sequel, she took the liberty of announcing it to the world while outside of a charity event earlier this year.

When she’s not imagining her own sequels, she can also be found absently staring off into space or exposing her breasts on red carpets. But she’s got a soft side, too. Just ask her dog Stoli. Seriously. She named an animal “Stoli.”

8. Paris Hilton

Criss Angel? She definitely would have voted Nader.

The 26th amendment dropped the voting age from 21 to 18, effective in 1971. However, this threshold only considers actual age, and not emotional or intellectual age. If either of those were factors, not only would Paris Hilton not be voting, but she’d probably be running around in Jolly Jumper, wetting her Huggies.

Ironically enough, she was a champion of the “Vote or Die” voting campaign in 2004. Easy choice. “Die,” Paris.

7. Suzanne Somers

When she’s not appearing on late night talk shows stoned out of her gourd, she’s taking her precious moments of clarity to share pearls of wisdom such as “chemotherapy drugs really killed Patrick Swayze.” Don’t expect to get rid of her anytime soon, though, as her newest compulsion has bee fighting aging.

She wages this battle by injecting her vagina (you can go ahead and make your own joke here; I’m tired) with various drugs, and taking a literal bucketful of supplements and vitamins. I wasn’t thrilled that Michael Jackson had the right to vote, and it’s pretty clear that Ms. Thighmaster is quickly on the same course as the King of Pop.

The story of Hole drummer Patty Schemel is a cautionary tale of drugs and recovery, and a portrait of the ‘90s grunge scene. It’s not particularly distinct, but it tells the story. Focusing on the drummer makes it more of an objective perspective, as opposed to a celebrity profile. We already know the Courtney Love story.

Hit So Hard: The Life and Near Death of Patty Schemel starts with 1995 footage from Schemel’s own home recordings. They look like VHS, only without the degradation of tracking problems because they were top of the line Hi-8. The new interview footage looks only slightly better, as if they only used the DV cameras from 10 years ago.

Schemel really stands out behind the drums, like a cute kid playing around. Of course those are the clips they chose for the edit, but I bet she had that energy consistently. You see the ’95 Lollapalooza tour and other major venue concerts, from the side of the stage.

Kurt Cobain shows up and the real hook for fans will be to see intimate scenes of his last days. There isn’t that much. The Cobain house looks like a grunge rock sty, and he plays with his and Love’s baby a lot. You can sense the undercurrent of anger as he makes “f*ck you” jokes with the baby and anti-social jabs at Edsel, like he blames corporations for his misery. They’re nice home movies for fans to see but nothing revealing. It’s just mundane hanging out between gigs.

The interviews with Schemel really reveal all the details of how she got into drugs (the record company had a guy who provided them) and what motivates an addict. Her mother tells the story of when she had to come out in high school.

The scandal of the “Celebrity Skin” album seems to be a sticking point for fans. The real explanation seems to be that producer Michael Beinhorn really drove Schemel out of the studio. That doesn’t seem like a major reveal to me. Producers are hard-asses. The band still broke up. I guess we can now sleep easie knowing it was a suit, not her sisters, that did it. Beinhorn even tricked Love by playing bad takes of Schemel’s tracks.

Living on the street homeless is one direction that not all tragic rock stars face. By then the film is all firsthand accounts, with but a still shot of Schemel’s old stash under the bridge. Of course she’s doing great not and the film shows you can turn it around.

I know we’re celebrating indie film and especially music here at SXSW, but I think Hit So Hard would be fine for a VH1 documentary. That’s right, Hole would be on VH1 now. It conveys the whole story and the musicians (including the survivors of Hole as well as Gina Schock, Kate Schellenbach, Nina Gordon and more) tell detailed anecdotes to complete the picture. That’s “Behind the Music,” but for a star VH1 probably couldn’t get so that’s where it pays to be director David Ebersole.