Do you have any idea how hard it is to even find fictional characters that have better lives than Tom Brady? He’s married to Gisele, he’s played in four Super Bowls, and would be four-for-four were it not for David Tyree’s impossible helmet catch in Super Bowl XLII. He’s also handsome as can be, among the most famous athletes in America, and he made $30,000,000 last year, which was almost three times what I made.

The point is that’s it’s hard to dream up a better life than the one Tom Brady is actually living. But Hollywood has managed to do it on a few occasions.

So we give you six fictional film characters that have better lives than Tom Brady. Yup. We could only find six. After a century of cinema, only 6 creations have better lives than this man actually does. Must be nice, Tom.

You son of a bitch.

Forrest Gump – Forrest Gump

Forrest seems to like everyone, he’s somehow taken part in every major aspect of American history since the Korean war, and he made a metric shit-ton of cash by investing in Apple. And to top it all off, he’s an idiot, which makes life even better because the more of an idiot you are, the happier you are overall. In my experience.

So Forrest is richer than Tom Brady, less good looking, and is vital to this nation’s history. However, he’s not very famous, and Jenny is no Gisele. Jenny is the anti-Gisele.

The only thing that keeps him from topping out on this list was the presence of that stone-cold bitch Jenny in most of his life. She died, but not before saddling him with a son, and possibly, AIDS. Those are two big ones.

So Forrest has had some hardships, but I think he’s the only entrant on this list who can go toe-to-toe with this guy:

The World’s Most Interesting Man – Dos Equis Commercials

Technically, he may not be a movie character, but since I’m sure he’s appeared in some fictional films at some point in his fictional life, I’ll allow it.

Despite the fact that this guy is purportedly “the world’s most interesting man,” I’m not sure I’d choose to talk to him over Tom Brady at a cocktail party. For some reason, I’m more concerned that the world’s most interesting man would sleep with my date than Tom Brady would. Which is bad for me, but good for TWMIM. In fact, TWMIM could probably sleep with Gisele if he really wanted to, which means the count is in interesting man’s favor.

With his anecdotes, he’s like a real-life J. Peterman, only TWMIM doesn’t need Kramer to write his stories.

Also, no one will ever accuse TWMIM of being a pretty boy. Look at that face. That face tells a story.

Eddie’s filmography since 1988 lends credence to this argument. Since 1988, Murphy’s catalog has consisted of almost nothing in the vicinty of “funny,” save for The Distinguished Gentleman in 1992, which was 19 years ago… and maybe Bowfinger.

While this is certainly just one man’s opinion, I can’t imagine a more qualified source than that of Landis, who knows both comedy and Murphy. If Landis is wrong and Murphy still wants to be funny, there’s still the question of whether or not he’s capable of it. Did he want to be funny in Norbit?

We hope not, but you be the judge.

Oh sweet Christ.

I would give forty-two Black Eyed Peas for one Wyld Stallyns. And unless I’m off-base, I think many Screen Junkies readers would, too. Sure, some of these bands are pretty ridiculous, but look me in the eye and tell me they’re not all sixty-two times better and more interesting than Mumford and Sons.

God, I hate Mumford and Sons.

8. Dr. Funke’s 100 Percent Natural Good-Time Family Band Solution – Arrested Development

Sure, they’re misguided corporate whores, but who wouldn’t pay $20 bucks to go see these guys live and witness the train wreck that is Tobias Funke’s onstage banter. I mean, Amy Poehler is a huge fan, and who doesn’t love Amy Poehler?

7. Hey That’s My Bike – Reality Bites

This Ethan Hawke-fronted band certainly has the most indie cred of any band on this list. He did the whole brooding joyless musician thing before even Cobain did it, and I could totally see a generation of Williamsburg hipster fans, even today, calling themselves “Hey That’s My Bike-ers.”

Or Hawke’s Troy Dyer could just be a slightly earlier incarnation of that asshat Jared Leto. Whatevs.