In response to my suggestion that this sounds an awful lot like his old FX program 30 Days, CNN publicists issued this statement:

Shut up, Penn. Shut up. Shut up.

While it’s not exactly news, and Morgan Spurlock is hardly a bastion of integrity, most anything they could put in front of a camera, including a dead octopus, can be considered a move to restore the integrity the channel lost after picking up Piers Morgan.

That’s a nebulous business heuristic that I just made up, but that won’t stop CNN from doing exactly that, as they are currently entertaining the idea of doing non-news shows in order to boost their ratings.

CNN, once the cable news leader, has hit 20-year lows, causing them to scoop up cable stalwart and rugged world traveler Anthony Bourdain. And with that signing, the floodgates are apparently open.

The network is calling the pursued programming “non-fiction,” which sounds all classy until you realize that Toddlers and Tiaras is technically non-fiction, and that any channel that hires Piers Morgan to be the de facto face of the station probably can’t be presumed to do any better than that.

America’s Next Top Pundit!!!

The CNN anchor, when speaking with The Daily Beast, told editor Andrew Sullivan, “The fact is, I’m gay, always have been, always will be, and I couldn’t be any more happy, comfortable with myself, and proud.”

Anderson then gave Sullivan permission to run with that quote, making this the least interesting coming-out story to hit the newsstands since Clay Aiken. He admitted he was gay? That’s no fun!

Will this change my enjoyment of Anderson Cooper‘s AC 360 on CNN? Doubtful. I never liked the show, and don’t think it will get better just because the host is openly homosexual.

But who knows?

It’s easier to show what I’m talking about than it is to describe it. Note: Murdoch’s hands are one of those things you cant unsee, like childbirth or Stevie Wonder’s eyes.

Enjoy the gallery, folks.

Not entertaining in a Geraldo Rivera-jackass type way, but in that he manages to balance his decorum with an ability to get completely awed by the weirdness of what he has to report.

This time it’s “Barbie Mom,” aka Sarah Burge, a woman who has gone to lengths to make herself look like Barbie. Which is stupid and fine, I guess, but Cooper draws the line when she talks about sticking Botox in her 15 year-old daughter to get her to stop sweating during pageants, kicking her off in what would be a vulgar display of power by AC standards.

Take a look.

“Oh, I fear death. My biggest fear is death, because I don’t think I’m going anywhere. And since I don’t think that, and I don’t have a belief … I’m married to someone who has the belief, so she knows she’s going somewhere.  I want to be frozen, on thehope that they’ll find whatever I died of and they’ll bring me back.”

So it’s official – Larry King fears death. And doesn’t believe in reincarnation. So if you see Larry King, do him him and his fans a favor by clubbing him over the head, then freezing him in liquid nitrogen. Do the same if you see Piers Morgan, too. Actually, don’t freeze Piers Morgan. Just hit him in the head, then go about the rest of your day.

It’s funny to think of someone resuscitating Larry King in like 50 years, only to find him looking like that.

“NEXT CALLER…GLADYS IN PURGATORY. GLADYS, YOU’RE ON THE LINE!”

With that in mind, and in honor of Anderson Cooper‘s on-air laughing fit, here are 9 other reporters who lost their sh*t on air. And for those of you who missed it, here’s the Cooper video as well.

Classy, CNN.

9. Local News Team Laughs at Ridiculous Model Falling

These guys are 100% blame free. I mean, I don’t think the two spills this girl took on the runway were actually that funny, but you’re allowed to laugh at someone’s indignities when they’ve clearly and knowingly forfeited any dignity they might have had. How do I know that she forfeited her dignity? Because she’s carrying a watering can on the runways of Paris. Even if she hadn’t fell, she should be made fun of.

Earlier today, it was reported that journalist Anderson Cooper was attacked by an angry Egyptian mob, and repeatedly punched in his head. Like millions of others, I was outraged by the entire event. What right did those Egyptians have to attack him, especially when there are so many other journalists worthy of a good punch to the head. Here are 9 examples.

9. Nancy Grace

Just look at this picture. Do you really need me to elaborate on why she needs a punch?

8. Glenn Beck

You can sit all day and argue about his political beliefs, but any grown man who makes it a habit to go on on national television and cry like a bitch deserves a punch. I’m a pussy, but at least I cry in private.

7. Keith Olbermann

Olbermann likes to blame the right wing for fostering a climate of political intolerance. His allegations might hold a little more weight if they weren’t coming from a man famous for his “Worst Person in the World” segments. Plus, I just read this attack article describing him as an asshole. It’s from the NY Post, so it’s probably garbage. But even so, I want to believe.

6. Natasha Curry

I’m not sure if it’s the phony tone in her voice, or the garbage she’s made to read, but Natasha Curry sounds like bad teacher talking down to a group of special-ed students.

5. Terry Moran

Back in 2007, when three Duke Lacrosse players were falsely accused of raping a stripper, Terry Moran said that people shouldn’t feel too sorry for them because they were white rich kids. I’m a white rich kid! I like strippers! That could have been me! F*ck you, Terry! It’s punchy time!

4. Bill O’Reilly

I don’t begrudge anyone for believing in god, so long as they aren’t using it as an excuse to blow up a crowded bus or take away my sweet, sweet pornography. But listening to this moron ramble on will make an atheist out of anyone. It’s one step up from Insane Clown Posse. Magnets, how do they work?

3. Matt Drudge

I give Drudge credit. Sometimes he goes after stories that the mainstream media is too afraid to cover. But the rest of the time, he’s going after stories that the mainstream media is too smart to cover. Tell us more about pet hoarding, Matt!

2. Billy Bush, Mario Lopez, Mary Hart, etc.

Although I certainly hesitate to call any of these assholes journalists, I would sure as hell love to see them all get beaten by an angry mob, so I’ve included them on the list.

1. Barbara Walters

I don’t want someone to be attacked just because they have a shrill, annoying voice and a speech impediment. But if that same someone was responsible for creating “The View,” then it’s punching time. Although they aren’t technically journalists, getting a few swings in at the rest of the cast is also encouraged.

Anderson reports that he and his crew were overtaken by a group of Mubarak supporters who punched the anchor in the head ten times. I like to imagine he stood there and took it while his head bobbed up and down like a speed bag a la Leslie Nielsen.

“This Week” anchor Amanpour reports that she and her crew were surrounded and chased into their vehicle by a crowd shouting that they hate America. They then proceeded to smash the windshield on the fleeing vehicle. Way to go, Amanpour. That’s just what we need. Another country all kinds of pissed at us.

Not that we bloggers have it any easier. Just last night, I had immense difficulty while opening a pudding cup. Got chocolate all over my favorite Spider-Man t-shirt. Now I’ve got to drop it off at the laundromat and you JUST KNOW it’s going to take them a few days. (TIME and THR)

During a segment about British people or something, they inexplicably cut to the scene from Dumb And Dumber where Jeff Daniels evacuates his bowels. I mean, they can’t even show that entire scene on FX, and those guys play “The Shield.” Watch out, Comedy Central. If CNN gets hold of an unedited copy of Just One Of The Guys, you’ll be out of business.