He doesn’t like it. In fact, what he said was, ”I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of pretending like the show doesn’t suck. I’m tired of pretending like Ashton [Kutcher] doesn’t suck.”

We all are, Charlie. We all are.

He then kept going.

“I’m tired of pretending like they’re not competely adrift,” he added. “Because when you take away the anchor from your show, which they stupidly did, you go adrift. And these guys are approaching like salvage vessel.”

So it “sucks,” but if that’s not artful enough for you, the show is also “approaching like salvage vessel.” And you can tell he’s serious because he’s not using any articles in that latter description. I’m not sure what you do when Charlie Sheen is calling you “adrift,” but it’s probably high time for some serious introspection when that bell is rung.

Good news: Charlie Sheen has something to talk about again. *Wipes Brow*

CBS and Warner Bros are in the final stages of their deal to replace Sheen’s character on “Two and a Half Men” with… Ashton Kutcher. This makes some logical sense, as they’re both on-screen douches and Kutcher is experienced in the multicamera sitcom world. My sources tell me he will also build a Scrooge McDuck style swimming vault for all the money they’re giving him.

Hugh Grant passed on the gig, and despite publicly saying he’s not interested, John Stamos has been waiting by the phone this entire time. Showrunner Chuck Lorre is supposedly happy with the selection, and now Sheen will have someone else to call a “troll” for awhile. Let the inevitable Twitter battle begin. (Hollywood Reporter)

Of course, without Sheen, that only leaves, at most, 1.5 men, so the rumor mill is halfheartedly churning out speculation as to who the next warm body will be to fill Sheen’s skanky, skanky shoes. The names currently being tossed around are Woody Harrelson, Jeremy Piven, and Bob Saget, but a Warner Bros. rep says none of those guys are in the running. Some insiders are speculating a “roommate” scenario where guest stars appear for an episode or two as roommates, then take off. This concept sounds ridiculously far-fetched until you think about how long you would be able to handle living with Jon Cryer. A week or two sounds about right.

The show is expected to come back mid-season, but with no word on the fat kid’s involvement. (THR)

Early reports were that Chuck Lorre wanted this handsome S.O.B. to take over for Charlie Sheen after he went nuclear and got fired from “Two and a Half Men.” Stamos had the chance to speak out in dulcet, mercy-requesting tones earlier today.

“I don’t want to replace anyone, especially Charlie Sheen. It’s just not where my head is at.”

“Nobody has officially talked to me and, quite frankly, as flattering as it is, it’s really not part of my career plan right now. I’m just on a different trajectory.”

“Charlie is great on that show and people love Charlie on that show and people love the way the show is,” he said. “So, in the big scheme of things, apparently there’s a lawsuit going on, so I don’t know, but I hope it works out and I hope he goes back and people get the show that they love.”

So both Rob Lowe and now Stamos have decided not to be Jon Cryer‘s handsome foil. Seems like nobody wants to step into Sheen’s shoes. Which is probably a good choice. No telling what foot diseases that madman has picked up at all those kissing parties. (E!)

The Warlock was back Tuesday evening for episode #4 of his “Sheen’s Korner” web series. He gave his audience of 50,000 brave souls ‘n’ trolls what they wanted: craziness, somewhat higher production values, and more craziness. Sheen even called himself our “messiah.” Well, he is a godsend for bloggers, that’s for sure.

Here are a few highlights from the 16 minute solo show, featuring a cleaner-looking, though still crazy-talking Sheen. First, a summary of Sheen’s firing from “Two and a Half Men,” in Sheen’s words:

“What has occurred yes in fact is a completely and entirely illegal and unconscionable act. Or, to quote my lawyer, really shitty shitty suck suck.”

“Really shitty shitty suck suck” is legalese for “I’m Charlie Sheen’s lawyer and I’ve gone b-b-b-b-batshit crazy.”

“Now that I have your lazy f*cking attention, world, sit back and rejoice for the mouth of a messiah, the Count of Calabasas, the f*cking warlock of your jealous face sits before you, undigested hummus, trading real estate for this fire dance.”

Getting the people on his side. Good tactic.

Here’s Sheen deciding to take the high road and not insult former bosses and co-workers like CBS Chief Les Moonves and sitcom showrunner Chuck Lorre:

“Less Than Goonves. Part scoundrel. Part my hair to the side. ‘Screw Les,’ I proclaimed. Or better yet, screw more! You gave me your word, so in turn, you gave me nothing. It must really suck being your missus, the promise of getting something — yet receiving nothing. […] Sizzle! Losing! Bye!”

“Hiya, Chuckie Cheeseball. Where ya hiding, silly clown? Behind your narcissism? Your greed? Your hatred of yourself or women? […] I see you behind your desperate desire to be liked. ‘Forget love — that ship sailed when you were born,’ to use one of your stupid and unfunny jokes. Good luck with those tin cans, Shitbrain, in the mush mouth of some pathetic carcass you so arrogantly attempt to trade out for this warlock.”

Oh, and he also said this:

“Can slabs of jaundiced gorilla pelts fill the plates of those clowns and nabobs. Oh, how they once begged to attend my perfect banquet in the nude. Now they just beg for the keys to my gold.”

??????

That kinda sounds like pirate talk. Do Pirates even fight trolls? I guess maybe if their ship approaches a bridge.

You know what, it’s late. This will probably all make sense in the morning. Or… maybe not. (Hollywood Reporter, Movieline)

According to rumors, producer Chuck Lorre‘s shortlist includes Rob Lowe, Jerry O’Connell, and the now infamous choice of John Stamos. I’d like to see Lowe stay on”Parks and Recreation,” so I hope Lorre takes Uncle Jesse or the guy from “Sliders.” Two other candidates are his own dad, Martin Sheen – I’d love to be a fly on the wall at that Thanksgiving dinner – and noted non-male Heather Locklear. That would obviously take the show in a different direction, in which 1 out of the 2 1/2 men had a vagina.

I’d like to offer up another suggestion: a shark. Every week, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones can jump over him. (Cinema Blend)

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #334

I understand that I’m under a lot of pressure to respond to certain statements made about me recently. The following are my uncensored thoughts. I hope this will put an end to any further speculation.

I believe that consciousness creates the illusion of individuation, the false feeling of being separate. In other words I am aware, ergo I am alone. I further believe that this existential misunderstanding is the prime motivating force for the neurotic compulsion to blot out consciousness. This explains the paradox of our culture, which celebrates the ego while simultaneously promoting its evisceration with drugs and alcohol. It also clarifies our deep-seated fear of monolithic, one-minded systems like communism, religious fundamentalism, zombies and invaders from Mars. Each one is a dark echo of an oceanic state of unifying transcendence from which consciousness must, by nature, flee. The Fall from Grace is, in fact, a Sprint from Grace. Or perhaps more accurately, “Screw Grace, I am so outta here!”

Questions?

1st Aired: 28 February 2011

I do have questions, in fact. First, did you just quit “Two and a Half Men,” or all of your crappy shows? Secondly, what? A little rambly, Chuck. Did you get high on Charlie’s supply?? And, finally, why vanity cards as opposed to your actual mouth? You’re not Silent Bob. Use your words. (Deadline)

Unless you just escaped from North Korea, you probably know that actor Charlie Sheen (a.k.a. an F-18 Vatican Assassin Warlock with Adonis DNA and Tiger’s Blood) has been giving all sorts of bat-shit insane interviews to anyone who will listen. From the morning talk shows, to “TMZ,” to E! Online, “Good-Time Charlie” has been regaling the common man with tales of his wondrous lifestyle, while at the same time, delivering violent warnings to his enemies.

Now, you could spend hours sifting through these interviews looking for the magic. But why do that when we’ve compiled the best quotes for you? Enjoy them while you can, cause from the sound of it, Charlie might not be around that much longer.

On drugs…

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

“I did that because they work … change the way you see things and change the way you feel. And yeah, when you’re a little bit bored with the redundancy of certain aspects of your life, yeah, I think that’s why people do them.”

On his job…

“I don’t have a job. I’ve got a whole family to support and love. People a lot more important than me are relying on that money to fuel the magic.”

On beating addiction…

“I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind, and unlearned 22 years of fiction … the fiction of AA. It’s a silly book written by a broken-down fool.”

On his own in-home rehab…

“Well, we couldn’t really call it rehab because we didn’t have a license to operate one, so it was a crisis management center that we labeled the Sober Valley Lodge. … its primary client achieved radical success.”

On talking about his behavior with his children…

“Talk about an education. And then, like, this, and then that’s the guy, and that’s our dad and we can get all the answers and the truth? Wow, winning!”

On being special…

“I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”

On winning…

“Duh, winning! It’s, like, guys, IMDB right there, 62 movies and a ton of success. I mean, c’mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.”

On what people think…

“If people think I’m insane or they don’t think that what I’m saying is true, I have no interest in their retarded opinions. I’m gonna live my life the way I want, I’m gonna win inside every moment, and they can just find the most comfortable chair in their small house and sit back and enjoy the show.”

On being tired…

“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”

On life…

“I have a grandiose life. Sorry my life is so much more bitchin’ than yours. I planned it this way.”

On riding the school bus…

“When I was 7 years old, I woke up on the school bus behind the last seat. The bus had been driven downtown somewhere I had never seen before parked where they park buses. I was 7 and had to find my way home. That was pretty gnarly. I woke up and went, ‘This ain’t Malibu.’”

On his dad, Martin Sheen…

“He’s Captain Willard and that’s pretty bitchin’. Dude killed Brando. Come on.”

On criticism…

“These insults are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my sabre.”

On his kids…

“The babies live with me, they’re in the kitchen right now. They run around and they’re as fun as you can imagine. They say “Dada” and run into walls. And Dada is cool, but when they run into walls I say, ‘Don’t do that, that’s retarded.’”

On renting a 250K house for porn stars…

CS: “There were reasons. There were good reasons.”

TMZ: “A porn family?”

CS: “It’s not a porn family.”

TMZ: “You wanted to move a bunch of hot porn stars into a house down the street.”

CS: “It was a temporary plan that fell apart. Big deal. Ya know. You gotta have a plan. Some of them work, some of them don’t. It’s how you learn.”

Amen, Charlie. Amen.

Charlie Sheen’s reign of terror/fire/amazingness continues, as the actor has agreed to grant interviews to ABC’s “Good Morning America” and NBC’s “The Today Show.” He’s gone so far off the deep end that anything that comes out of his mouth is automatically gold, whether or not it’s unfortunate. He told GMA that he intends to sue CBS for pulling the plug on “Two and a Half Men”:

“I’m gonna sue for what I’m worth and what I deserve and what they think they can take from me. They can’t,” Sheen said. “I don’t have a job. I got a whole family to support and love. And — people beyond myself, people a lot more important than me, are relying on that money to — fuel the magic.”

He also had something interesting to say about CBS regarding giving them an apology:

“They owe me a big one – publicly – while they lick my feet.”

It’s abundantly clear that Sheen has lost his mind, possibly for good, and while that might be unfortunate, he’s doing so in a blaze of hellfire and glory, and we’ll keep you posted about every little branch he hits on the way down. (Deadline)

UPDATE: Sheen wants CBS to lick his feet.

UPDATE: Sheen continues making threats from his island.

Calling a dude a “pussy” is funny, but when doing so possibly ends the run of a terrible, yet somehow endlessly successful TV sitcom – that’s hilarious.

Charlie Sheen takes different vacations from most people. While many go to Mt. Rushmore or Disney World, Sheen goes to an island near the Bahamas to bang multiple porn stars and publicly call people pussies. Earlier it was founding father Thomas Jefferson, then later it was his “Two and a Half Men” Executive Producer Chuck Lorre, the sitcom kingpin behind such CBS bland-coms as “Mike & Molly.” Here’s what Sheen said to TMZ about Lorre over the phone, after challenging Lorre to a fight:

“I violently hate Chaim Levine (Chuck Lorre).  He’s a stupid, stupid little man and a p**sy punk that I’d never want to be like.”  Charlie adds, “That’s me being polite.”

The response from CBS and Warner Bros:

“Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen’s statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of ‘Two and a Half Men’ for the remainder of the season.”

Season Over. *Pac-Man Death Music*

Is the show over for good? Money talks, and it’s even louder than a drunk celebrity who’s trying to throw his career away as crazily as possible. I mean, it’s hard to walk away from the kind of money a show like “Two and a Half Men” rakes in. However, if Sheen breaks the Guinness World Record for “Most Porn Stars Banged On Coke In A Day While Simultaneously Calling Very Important Producers ‘Pussies,’ ” the show is as good as cancelled.

Unless they kill off his character and replace him with Martin Sheen. No, not the character he played when he was a guest star – Sheen should reprise his role as President Bartlet. Finally, “Men” would achieve the gravitas they’ve been striving for all these years. (TMZ)

After his latest statements, I have decided that anyone who dares reach out to this man to change him will pull back a bloody stump. With his brand of drug-addled crazy, he seriously threatens to overtake Kanye West as the mayor of Insane-O-Ville. Mel Gibson will remain City Manager.

During an (initially) innocuous interview on “The Alex Jones Show,” Sheen:

• Offered to provide a urine sample in the interviewer’s mouth
• Slammed a porn star that didn’t join him to the Bahamas. (Don’t worry, he’s still got two more with him. Natalie Kenly and Bree Olson, for those scoring at home.)
• Called his boss, “Two-and-a-Half Men” creator Chuck Lorre, a handful of anti-semitic slurs, “a turd,” and claimed Lorre had an “un-evolved mind,” unlike Sheen, who claimed that his own mind was capable of curing his alcoholism.

His exact words? Per TMZ, he said “I have a disease? Bulls**t! I cured it … with my mind.”

When Alex Jones then told Sheen that he sounded like Thomas Jefferson (a compliment, I guess?), Sheen graciously replied, “I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy!” They were afraid to teach us THAT in history class.

Right now, Charlie Sheen is the most entertaining man in America…with his mind.