The title-less film, to be helmed by Baltasar Kormakur, will go up against another Everest film starring recent Bale nemesis (in The Dark Knight Rises, and possibly in real life?) Tom Hardy. However, Hardy’s film will follow the ascent of George Mallory, who as any reader with a rudimentary knowledge of mountaineering history would know, was not successful in making it to summit.

But that was probably just because Mallory didn’t have Bane‘s mask. And because Mallory was weak.

If both films make it to market, it will mark the second time Bale has been involved in dueling films of similar subject matter, and he can only hope that Hardy will suffer the same fate as Edward Norton did in The Illusionist.

But, in all fairness, the poster did foreshadow plot holes.

What a good guy. Hopefully he didn’t do any speaking in his Batman voice because, y’know, it’s a hospital. People are trying to sleep. (via WWTDD)

Sure, being rich affords him guys like Lucius, but it also made him miserable enough to shake things up a little. Here’s a few other guys that prove money can’t buy happiness all the time.

Now let’s talk about some rich jerks.

Nicholas van Orton – The Game

He watched his dad die, and seems to exist as some “forever alone” billionaire. He treats everyone, including his addict brother, like crap. Knock it off, NVO. You’ve got great shoes and a really nice housekeeper that makes you nice baked goods for your birthday.

Van Orton is pretty much the only guy we see who really shows promise of change late in their film. All because of the game. The game works. It changes people. But how much? I want to see the continuation of this story with Nicholas running around like a better-dressed Mr. Deeds, though that will probably never, ever happen.

Oh, to dream!

Cal Hockley – Titanic

If you’re going to be a rich jerk, then own it. And no one owns “rich jerk” like Billy Zane (“ZANE!”) playing a privileged asshole on the Titanic, a ship loaded with privileged assholes. I know James Cameron is busy making 14 more Avatar films, but couldn’t he hand off the next chapter of Titanic, aka “What became of Cal?” to a lesser director, like F. Gary Gray, or Rob Cohen?

Cal was so awesomely evil that it makes me want to punch my computer in delight. He shot Jack Dawson’s friend in the stomach, and probably displaced poor women and children so that he could live. Can’t say I argue with either of those (Jack’s friend was annoying, and I really like not being dead), but when you do those things with slicked-back hair, it takes things to another level.

Sometimes being a jerk is awesome, and Cal is just the awesomest.

Bruce Wayne – Batman Franchise

Granted, Batman’s had a tough go of it, but as far as superheroes go, he’s lacking in the levity department. I’m sorry that you were in a Nepalese prison, Bruce. I’m sorry that your name is Bruce, Bruce. I’m sorry that your parents were killed by criminals, Bruce. I’m sorry that you were terrified by bats when you were younger, Bruce.

Now turn that frown upside down and live like you acted in The Dark Knight with the Lamborghini, and buying the restaurant, and the two hot girls.

And stop scowling. You’re so much more handsome when you smile, friend!

Terry Benedict – Ocean’s 11, 12, and 13

Terry Benedict is one of the few self-made men on this list, but that doesn’t free him from the sourpuss affliction that hits so many of the guys that are just born into money.

Terry struts around like everyone is trying to screw him, which is actually pretty prescient, because the entire Ocean’s franchise is predicated on people trying to screw Terry Benedict. Also, maybe he feels ridiculous and wallows in shame because he’s always dressed in insane Asian-inspired suits that make him look like a monk attending the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. In any event, he’s a Grumpy Gus, and I don’t just throw around the phrase “Grumpy Gus.” Why would I?

Sebastian Valmont – Cruel Intentions

He’s sex obsessed, but not in a funny Jason Biggs-in-American-Pie way, but rather a “there’s nothing that will ever fill the emptiness I have from being a privileged bastard” way. He’s about two steps away from being a total Patrick Bateman, but he manages to sort of, kind of, make good by the end of the film, even though he’s still pretty much a dick.

Smile, Sebastian. You’ve got a great car, a great townhouse, and well-tailored shirts and hunting outfits. If you’re ambling around Manhattan, try to run into Thomas Crown. He’s insanely rich as well, but seems to derive a little more pleasure from his good fortune than you do.

Money’s only a curse if you let it be.

I just made that up, but it could be right. Mo’ money, mo’ problems, my ass.

The Malfoys – Harry Potter

You’ve got SO much money, Malfoys. Why can’t you give up the whole “flirting with evil” thing and just buy an island and sponsor a Formula One team instead of teaming up with that whose name we shouldn’t be saying? You know, the V-word. Well, one of the v-words. The Malfoys are definitely what you would consider “old money,” but that’s no excuse for being evil, though it is pretty clear that the loner money has been in a family, the more likely it is that the character will be joyless and just grumpy.

*deep breath*

WHAT KIND OF CONTRARIAN ASSHOLE DOESN’T LIKE THE DARK KNIGHT RISES?

For the first time in the history of the site, Rotten Tomatoes has suspended user comments after some innocuous personal insults turned into threats of violence. The real news story here is that it took this long for Internet comments turn violent.

The editor of the site, Matt Atchity, explained the movie thusly: “The job of policing the comments became more than my staff could handle for that film, so we stopped the comments altogether.”

I have a better idea. Why don’t you take those spineless, tasteless assholes who talk shit about The Dark Knight Rises, shake the shit out of them until their wallet falls out, find out where they live, then get after their families, home invasion-style, until they admit that it’s the greatest movie that’s ever been made?

Why don’t you do that instead of protecting the morons who dare speak ill of The Dark Knight Rises?

Please enjoy the Internet’s best Dark Knight Rises parodies.

The Dark Knight Rises with 60′s Robin

This parody is perfect. It’s shot well, well-acted, funny, and more importantly, the humor’s fresh. Of all the Dark Knight parodies out there, this is the only original that saw past Batman’s voice to introduce a funnier concept. Plus, Robin gets his ass kicked. It’s the most realistic take on Batman yet.

 Teaser Trailer Parody

You’d think the World’s Greatest Detective would be slightly better at charades.

The Dark Knight Rises Teaser Trailer (Batman: The Animated Series Version)

It’s not the most original concept to re-edit a new franchise with footage from an earlier take on the material, but that’s not to say it isn’t awesome. Because it is. Take a look. Awesome.

Hitler Is Told About The Dark Knight Rises

His rage is warranted.

The Lion King Rises

When you really think about, Simba and Bruce Wayne do have a lot in common. Also winning this video points, Rafiki clobbering hyenas set perfectly to the drum hits.

The Dark Alfred Rises

Just what these movies have been lacking, more Alfred. If Bale and Nolan won’t come back for another, Michael Caine will definitely do a spin-off Alfred film. His film resume has proved he’s not choosey.

Dark Knight Rises (XXX Parody)

Immature and pun-ridden, yes. But, whatever. After culling through Dark Knight Rises parody videos all morning, it’s wholly refreshing to find any that don’t center on the difficulty to understand Batman or Bane‘s speaking voices.

Community Season 3 Rises

I’m not just posting this because Internet nerds will yell at me if I don’t. I’m posting it because he footage from Community’s third season loans itself surprisingly well. Now let’s please get Annie in a Catwoman suit during season four. Thanks.

Will the Colts thrive under Luck? Will Peyton be able to muster his career in its twilight years? Scenarios like this don’t just happen in sports, but also in entertainment, where properties and franchises are held together by actors who, for one reason or another, take leave and move on.

As you’ll see below, the results are a mixed bag. Sometimes franchises improve, sometimes they flounder, and sometimes they just gently fade away. Take a look.

Steve Carell – The Office

The question of whether or not Carell left the office because it had started to suck or if the show started to suck when he was gone is one that I won’t address here, because I didn’t watch the later episodes during his tenure. But it’s clear that his demise has hastened the decline of the show regardless.

While the gimmicky casting of James Spader made for interesting copy and kept all eyes on the show, perhaps people didn’t realize just how integral Steve was to the show. Sure, the supporting characters were able to hold their own, but the show needed a star more than most people realize, and someone like James Spader or even the competent ensemble can’t fill that void.

The fate of The Office is up in the air after Carell’s first year away, but if it does carry on, I would expect it to end with a bang, and not a whimper.

Matt Damon – The Bourne Series

The problem with hiring (or even creating) a big star with your franchise is that it affords them big opportunities outside of the franchise. Most actors want to take the goodwill they create with one role and parlay it into much more. For instance, Matt Damon was in a bit of a slump when he signed on to play Jason Bourne in The Bourne Identity. However, the Jason Bourne character made Damon as close to an action-hero icon as the world has right now.

Damon has used that goodwill to star in both independent and large-scale films, eventually walking away from the Bourne series after The Bourne Supremacy. However, new blood was eagerly anticipated by both the producers and audiences, so the role became one of the most coveted in Hollywood, eventually going to Jeremy Renner.

With Edward Norton playing the villain in The Bourne Legacy, I would be very surprised if this film didn’t succeed on a larger scale than the Damon ones.

That left Aronofsky needing someone of star caliber who could carry such an expensive film, which means he might get Russell Crowe. Though this has the danger of off-setting Crowe’s adaptation of the 1980′s TV show The Equalizer. It’s going to be a tough choice for Russell, I’m sure. Another popular name being floated for the film is Liam Neeson. It’s not known if he’s being eyed to play Noah himself or the film’s major villain. I say go with the villain. The Ark has wolves. Liam Neeson punches wolves. It’s simple math. Take the rest of the day off, Hollywood. (Deadline)

“If anyone should be embarrassed it’s the relevant actor, not the Chinese side,” a spokesman said. “What I understand is that the actor was invited by the director Zhang Yimou to attend the movie premiere. He was not invited to any village in Shandong to create news or make a film. If he wants to create news, I don’t think that would be welcomed by China.”

The spokesman add this word of warning. “Yo, Zhang. You gotta talk to your boy.”

Thanks a lot, Christian Bale. Now China’s totally pissed at us right before the holiday. If they cut off our supply to knock-off electronic products, I won’t have anything to give my dad this year. (Reuters)

Tom Cruise

Christian Bale went on record as saying that he was channeling noted mental health expert Tom Cruise while filming American Psycho. The great big smile with the totally blank, 1,000-yard stare is common among Operating Thetans, particularly those who have gazed in the abyss of Xenu and his DC-10s in space. This might work better as a SNL skit than as a full movie, but we’d like to see Tom give it the old pre-Clear try.

Vincent Gallo

If Vinnie Gallo, Jr. signs on to play Patrick Bateman the movie will get filmed, edited and post-produced before Gallo burns every copy out of spite. We’re kind of OK with that, considering that this movie is going to totally suck balls.

We’ve got the football stadium that Bane appears to raise hell on, we’ve got Catwoman being all seductive, we’ve got the Arkham inmates rioting, and we’ve got Michael Caine doing the best Michael Caine impression since these guys.

All in all, a great trailer, I just can’t tell how it’s any different.

Some thoughtful moviegoer was nice enough to film this trailer for Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight Rises. Sadly, they filmed it using their butt. However, since this is the most highly-anticipated film this year it still looks great. Despite the assy quality of the filming.

So have a look while you can at Arkham inmates running amok, Bane ruining a day at the football stadium, and Anne Hathaway occupying Gotham. (Buzzfeed)

So no surprise there. The other choice is baffling, until you realize that it might just be brilliant. Scott Disick, a “star” of Keeping up with the Kardashians, is Ellis’ other pick. Nobody likes this guy, but perhaps that’s what makes him so right for the part. Patrick Bateman isn’t supposed to be charming or secretly likable. He’s supposed to be completely empty inside, and no one is more empty on that show than he is.

Bret is witholding his approval unless one of these two gets cast. Considering Lionsgate is remaking the film a scant eleven or so years after the original, my hunch is they’re really not seeking anyone’s approval on this thing. But who knows. Maybe they’re insecure.

Not cool, China. None of us were big fans of Equilibrium, but you really took that dislike too far. (CNN)

Christopher Nolan screened the film’s opening sequence for the press last night (my invite must have gone to spam), and the consensus is, “Huh? What??” The Hollywood Reporter recaps, “A lot of key dialogue, particularly that of Bane, who speaks via a mask, was unintelligible.”

It’s important to note that the film is still being edited and it’s likely that this is not the final version of the audio. But, I’d warn Nolan before he goes too far down the rabbit hole of attempting to fix it. Vin Diesel movies suffer from the same problem and they rake in the cash. Be true to yourself, Christopher.

Following a conference among several other development execs at Lionsgate, they all agreed it didn’t really matter who wrote or directed the sequel ’cause, hey, American Psycho. So they bestowed both writing and directing duties upon one Noble Jones, a second-unit director from The Social Network, who just happened to be the next person to walk through the door into the conference room.

Expect news in the next couple days that the producers, not wanting to overthink things, have decided that Jason Bateman would make a pretty good Patrick Bateman.

This act is the latest in a long line of tantrums for Baldwin, but he’s far from the only actor who has been known to lose his or her cool. Let’s visit Jack Donaghy and six other actors who really, really, REALLY like to get their own way.

Alec Baldwin

Crowe has taken to storming out of interviews when questioned about his accent, as he was on a Robin Hood junket, and he once called a producer of Gladiator in the middle of the night, to let him know that he would “kill him with his bare hands.” But those are just words. It’s way more interesting when you sprinkle in some violence, as Crowe did in 2006 when he took to beating a concierge in a New York hotel. Beating a concierge is certainly a tantrum. In fact, it’s an awesome tantrum. But that fact that Crowe beat him with a phone is what really makes Crowe rise above the rest, joining the Joe Pesci’s of the world. Scientists have proven that tantrums get up to 47% funnier when the tantrum-thrower uses a conventional item as a weapon.

Who Is Bane?

No, not these dudes.

Bane is from a fictional country in the Caribbean, Santa Prisca. He has some stupid background story about how he grew up in prison because a corrupt government made him serve out his father’s sentence. Whatever.

Anyway, supposedly his childhood spent in the joint is what makes him this extra diesel bad ass with crazy martial arts skills. While in jail, he not only learned to fight, but also became a man of letters when not hitting the iron. The Jesui Brothers taught him everything he needed to know about the fine arts and humanities, enabling him to become a career super criminal. Gee, now I’m wishing I had grown up in prison.

But it wasn’t all pumping iron and reading books. While in prison, Bane was also used as a guinea pig in an experiment with a substance called Venom, which is sadly not the totally rad black costume that takes over Spiderman. It’s a fictional steroid that makes him ginormous. The down side is, he has to have it pumped directly into his brain every 12 hours, or else he dies. It’s a trade off.

After the prison experiment makes him even tougher, he breaks out and sets out for Gotham. Why? Because he thinks that Batman has been haunting him in his dreams since childhood, which is, y’know, totally normal and stuff. When he gets to Gotham, he busts out all the wacky villains who live inside Arkham Asylum. He eventually breaks Batman’s back leading to a super lame story arc where a character named Azrael becomes Batman and gets some ill battle armor.

What Is Bane?

RAGDOLL IST KRIEG!

Bane is kind of like a monster heel from professional wrestling. For those of you unaware, monster heels are the dudes who don’t feel any pain because they aren’t human and can’t be reasoned with. Examples include The Undertaker before he became a dead biker and Brock Lesnar before he became a total joke. Much like most monster heels, after the initial shock wore off, he was relegated to being a third-tier villain in the DC Comics Universe. He is now part of the Secret Six alongside such epic winners as Catman, Rag Doll and Deadshot. I mean, come on! The dude almost killed Batman, and now he hangs out with some fool in a mask whose power is bending his arms in weird directions. Yeah, Don Didio isn’t totally killing DC or anything.

Advantageous for everyone except the downtrodden 99 Percenters who are about to have their protest crashed and their likenesses bootlegged without pay. But, hey, not everyone can be rich. (LA Times)

No casting has been announced, but Christian Bale‘s name has been floated previously, and the deal was seemingly predicated upon his involvement. In light of this, it remains to be seen how schedules will work out and whether or not Batman will have the time for the project, though we can definitely see him doing a great job with the material. Otherwise, it’s doubtful this will get off the ground without an A-lister, so we’ll need to wait and see who snags the role. Ryan Gosling‘s beard watch begins…. now. (Deadline)

Well, that’s the real world. Now imagine going up against fictional characters. They’re shrewder and better-looking than real people. You might as well start sobbing now. And keep your girlfriend the hell away from these guys.

6. Aldous Snow – Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Get Him to the Greek

Mr. Snow (Russell Brand) may be the biggest jackass on this list (and this list is rife with jackasses), but he has a very endearing, naïve quality that allows him to steal any woman he wants. He’s pretty much two-for-two, having stolen the titular Sarah Marshall from Jason Segel’s Peter Bretter and banged Jonah Hill’s gf in a bizarre threesome in Get Him to the Greek. If your girlfriend has a pulse and 51% of her limbs, then she’s fair game for Snow.

5. Glenn Guglia – The Wedding Singer

While we don’t see anyone lose their girlfriend to Julia’s fiancé in The Wedding Singer, it’s a foregone conclusion that he will throw back some Alabama Slammers and have his way with her. He’s also the least likely on this list to take “no” for an answer.

I think we all wish that he has taken Robbie’s (Adam Sandler) advice midway through the film and had a few drinks, then driven home.

4. Wooderson – Dazed and Confused

It’s nothing personal. It’s the Wooderson (Matthew McConaughey) way. If (when) Wooderson went after m high school girlfriend, I don’t even think I’d be mad. I’d be all, “That’s our Wooderson! It’s what he does! Psssh! Scoundrel!”

Frankly, if you take issue with your lady sleeping with a mustachioed, toe-headed Matthew McConaughey, just keep her the hell away from him and his moon tower keggers. It’s not like he’s playing his hand close to the vest.

It boils down to this: If Wooderson gets close enough to your girl to bang her, it’s your own damn fault. Seriously. It’s f*ckin’ Wooderson.

11 photosBatman & Bane Beefing In 'Dark Knight Rises' Pics

In Shadyside, a suburb a few miles outside of Pittsburgh, a man did exactly that, claiming that the carjacking was written into the script of The Dark Knight Rises, despite the fact that they were on Ivy Street, miles away from the shooting locations, and there was, uh, no camera crew around. He should have said he was REHEARSING for a scene. STUPID!

Seriously, Pittsburgh? Ivy Street? Shadyside? Did you change all the city and street names when Pleasantville was shooting in town, then forget to change them that? Those names might work for Father of the Bride, but not for something as brooding and dark as The Dark Knight Rises.

5 photos'Dark Knight Rises' Pics Show Tom Hardy As Bane

What’s that? Ooooh. Alright, I’m being told that’s Christian Bale as Batman throwing ‘bows at Tom Hardy‘s Bane. And look at the epic beatdown going on between the cops and Teamsters (Bane’s crew?) outside of City Hall. If stuff like this happened more often, I’d be way more interested in local politics.

Law breaker.

The trailer picks up with Commissioner Gordon in the hospital with kidney stones. As he lay in pain, he implores that the Batman must return as his crotch is killing him and he can’t possibly fight Tom Hardy‘s Bane in that condition. Well, that was my takeaway. It’s a fool’s errand to try to decipher Nolan’s intent. (The Dark Knight Rises)

The Dark Knight Rises opens in theaters July 20th, 2012, and a teaser trailer will be released this week attached to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II. In the meantime, the full poster is below. You should totally think about getting it as a back tatt.

(The Dark Knight Rises)

Consequently, we’ve got some grainy, presumably real footage of the teaser trailer for latest Batman installment. If you’re half as excitable as this audience was, you’re in for a treat.

If we are to believe the trailer, there’s a storm a-brewin’ in Gotham and that storm is gonna bring bats. Seeing as how we are over a year away from the release date, please take this bootlegged trailer with an entire mine of salt. But it looks pretty real, so disregard what I just said and get REALLY fired up about it. NOW!

Don’t read any further if you’re sensitive about Batman-related news.

Okay. Still there? Reports via HitFix are that a star from an earlier film in Nolan’s series was seen filming a part on set in London. And his her name is….. not Aaron Eckhart. Liam Neeson was recently spotted on the set filming a scene as Ra’s al Ghul (aka Batman’s least interesting enemy). Of course, that’s got comment sections and message boards blowing up. Is it a flashback? A Lazarus Pit-induced resurrection? Liam Neeson fulfilling his need to be in an ass-load of movies??????

I’m leaning toward flashback. Up until this point, Nolan’s Batman series have taken a more realistic approach and have avoided dealing with the supernatural or magic. Except for Morgan Freeman‘s winning smile. There’s always magic in that.