About four years back, someone (bin Laden?) thought that it would be a good idea to make a sequel to the uber-crappy Chris Farley vehicle Beverly Hills Ninja. Apparently going for “degree of difficulty” points, the investors decided that they wanted to shoot the thing in South Korea, because the investors were South Korean.

Further adding difficulty to the project was the fact that the star off the film, Chris Farley, has been dead for 14 years. No matter, David Hasselhoff is still alive (we think), and he was gonna pick up where Bennett Brower left off.

Alas, it was not to be. The investors had a falling out with the film’s proposed producer, a scholarship recipient from the AFI. He may have been overqualified. Anyway, lawsuits ensued, and the quick and dirty is the film will never be made or see the light of day.

So that movie you never knew about, which was a sequel to a film people barely knew about, will never be shown.

Man, Friday news is just the worst, isn’t it? (A.V. Club)

He is unquestionably one of the greatest explorers in history. In fact, I’d be hard-pressed to name more than a few others. Unless those explorers had a movie based on their trials and travails. In which case, I’m a real history buff.

Carl Fredricksen and Russell – Up

You’re never too old to become an explorer. Carl Fredricksen learns this after using thousands of helium balloons to convert his house into an airship and set its course for Paradise Falls, South America. He picks up Russell by mistake and brings him along for the exotic adventure. Technically, they weren’t the first to discover Paradise Falls but they were the only explorers to survive their visit there. So, points go to them.

Edwards & Hunt - Almost Heroes

Sure, everyone knows about Lewis and Clarke. But Edwards and Hunt have sadly been lost to history. Who would have thought that there was a rival gang of overweight explorer fighting bears, Indians, and eagles while trying to discove the Pacific Ocean? Where’s their holiday??

Chris Farley & David Spade Direct TV Commercial – Watch more Funny Videos

Direct TV has a new ad that re-creates the "Fat Guy In A Little Coat" scene from Tommy Boy. Many feel the ad is in poor taste given Chris Farley‘s sad end and are appalled that David Spade would take part. However, in Spade’s defense the cable provider did get the consent of the Farley family before he accepted all that blood money. Regardless of your stance on the ethics of advertising, I think that the real lesson here is that life is fleeting and can be torn away from us at any time. Like so many little coats. [Asylum]

Get a good look at the butcher’s ass by shoving your head up these links: 

_{7 Best Maury Povich Paternity Result Reactions (HolyTaco)}

_{Mark Sanchez Sneaks A Sideline Hot Dog (TotalProSports)}

_{Courage Wolf, Advice You Can Count On (TheChive)}

_{Brett Ratner’s Girlfriend In Playboy (FilmDrunk)}

_{15 Horrifying Baby Halloween Costumes (SuperTremendous)}

_{The Stink Of The Adam Sandler Curse (Pajiba)}

_{Miranda Kerr Poses On A Rooftop (CelebJihad)}

_{A Collection of Videos That Make Fun Of Michael Bay (Unreality)}

_{Political Halloween Costumes (Asylum)}

_{10 Naughty NSFW Pumpkin Pics (RegretfulMorning)}

_{5 Performance Driving Moves To Lose Cops (MadeMan)}

_{Earnhardt Losing Streak Reaches 53 (AllLeftTurns)}

_{Woman Pulls Whole Shelf Of Alchohol On Herself (NothingToxic)}

_{The Greatest Action Movie That Never Was (Atom)}

Chris Farley & David Spade Direct TV Commercial – Watch more Funny Videos

Direct TV has a new ad that re-creates the "Fat Guy In A Little Coat" scene from Tommy Boy. Many feel the ad is in poor taste given Chris Farley‘s sad end and are appalled that David Spade would take part. However, in Spade’s defense the cable provider did get the consent of the Farley family before he accepted all that blood money. Regardless of your stance on the ethics of advertising, I think that the real lesson here is that life is fleeting and can be torn away from us at any time. Like so many little coats. [Asylum]

Get a good look at the butcher’s ass by shoving your head up these links: 

_{7 Best Maury Povich Paternity Result Reactions (HolyTaco)}

_{Mark Sanchez Sneaks A Sideline Hot Dog (TotalProSports)}

_{Courage Wolf, Advice You Can Count On (TheChive)}

_{Brett Ratner’s Girlfriend In Playboy (FilmDrunk)}

_{15 Horrifying Baby Halloween Costumes (SuperTremendous)}

_{The Stink Of The Adam Sandler Curse (Pajiba)}

_{Miranda Kerr Poses On A Rooftop (CelebJihad)}

_{A Collection of Videos That Make Fun Of Michael Bay (Unreality)}

_{Political Halloween Costumes (Asylum)}

_{10 Naughty NSFW Pumpkin Pics (RegretfulMorning)}

_{5 Performance Driving Moves To Lose Cops (MadeMan)}

_{Earnhardt Losing Streak Reaches 53 (AllLeftTurns)}

_{Woman Pulls Whole Shelf Of Alchohol On Herself (NothingToxic)}

_{The Greatest Action Movie That Never Was (Atom)}

A sh*t ton of kids, explosions, muscular women, a boa constrictor, and clown tears. Tonight’s TV Preview is my 12th birthday all over again.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

OCTOMOM: THE INCREDIBLE UNSEEN FOOTAGE
Network: FOX
Time: 8 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: She rose to infamy earlier this year when she popped out eight kids in a bid to get rich and famous on TV. Of course her plan failed as no network would sink to the level of exploita– oh right. I forgot that FOX exists. Their ethics are as loose as her womb.

BOBB’E SAYS
Network: CARTOON NETWORK
Time: 8 – 8:30PM

Reasons to watch: Hilarious kid actor Bobb’e J. Thompson has a new show where he gives advice on style, success, and gaining popularity. Can a thirteen year-old really dispense useful sage wisdom? This one can. Did you see Role Models? He’s wise beyond his years. In fact, his precociousness has led to some debate at Screen Junkies HQ. Patrick reckons that he’s an adult in a kid’s body a la Andy Milonakis and I purport that he’s actually an eternal child vampire a la Kirsten Dunst in Interview With The Vampire.

XXX: STATE OF THE UNION
Network: FX
Time: 8 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: When history looks back, the original XXX will be remembered as being completely stupid. It was so dumb that I’m surprised the filmmakers managed to save some retarded for the sequel. At least this time around they ditch the extreme sports junkie angle and get down to a more straight-up action movie. After all, the action is all this movie has to offer. I recommend watching it with the volume turned off.

TRAGIC SIDE OF COMEDY
Network: BIOGRAPHY
Time: 9 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: This special focuses on the tragic lives of comedians. Amongst those profiled are John Belushi, Farley, and Phil Hartman. Twelve years later and Farley’s absence is still sorely felt. Our current funny fat guys have really got to step it up. I’m just chuckling over here. Not guffawing.

MAN VS. WILD
Network: DISCOVERY
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Tonight, Bear Gryll’s has to contend with a 9-foot boa constrictor. Well, he doesn’t have to. He chooses to. Just like the picture above where he chooses to eat a zebra carcass. This guy is nuts. He’s like a Tom Green that housewives want to bang.

TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY
Network: E!
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The world of female bodybuilding is explored. If you have any love or respect for your penis, you’ll read a book. A book with pictures of non-swollen women in it.

WHO’S ON LATE

LETTERMAN
Mike Myers; Ken Burns

CONAN (repeat)
Judd Apatow; Meryl Streep; The Fray

KIMMEL (repeat)
Katherine Heigl; David and Shaun Cassidy

FERGUSON
Dane Cook; Peter Travers

FALLON (repeat)
Betty White; Opie and Anthony; Martha Wainwright