Please pour a sip out for us as we eulogize the most short-lived shows of 2011.

Charlie’s Angels

Pretty hard to screw up Minka Kelly running around in little outifts, but ABC somehow did it. This unnecessary 300th retread of classic television series starred Kelly, Rachael Taylor, and Annie Ilonzeh. It, of course, told the story of crime-fighters who dress like the Fantanas and solve mysteries for an elusive boss. But in a world with free Internet porn, audiences weren’t interested in watching the stars rub lotion into each other and almost make-out while investigating shady gangsters.

The Playboy Club

Again, it’s pretty hard to screw up Amber Heard running around in little outfits, but NBC somehow did it. Widely panned by jerks who hate boobs, this “Mad Man rip-off” was cancelled after three episodes. The consensus is that the show would have worked much better on a different network. Perhaps on Starz or Showtime were the actresses are contractually obligated to get railed on camera.

WATCH IT:

Prime Suspect (NBC), Premieres Thursday, 9/22 at 10 pm (ET)

The original was a great British series starring Helen Mirren, and this version wins out over the rest because it appears to have some legs to it. No, I’m not referring to the legs of Maria Bello, who plays the lead, although her legs are worth watching. The “legs” here is the depth and longevity you want in a series.

Bello is a homicide detective that doesn’t get many breaks because she’s surrounded by male cops. She’s also good at what she does, or so the trailer says. This one does look to have some grittiness to it, as well as some decent acting and well written scenes if you’re into that sort of thing. NBC worked with Peter Berg on the acclaimed Friday Night Lights and he’s working on this show, too, so that’s a bonus.

SKIP IT:

Unforgettable (CBS), Premieres Tuesday, 9/20 at 10 pm (ET)

This is a perfect show for CBS. It’s a procedural with dangling backstories, uses edit trickery to hammer the evidence home to the viewer, and has the latest Top 40 ballad pounding during reflective ‘character moments’. Some people love this sort of show, like my grandmother, but I’m not going to bother.

If you are still interested after my hard sell, the series is about a woman with hyperthymesia, which means she remembers every detail of pretty much everything. Except — the big twist! — she can’t remember what happened when her sister was murdered years before. Her ex-partner/lover, played by Dylan Walsh, comes around to ask her to help with cases because she’s got such a crazy brain. And then every episode will be the exact same for all of eternity.

THE REST:

Person of Interest (CBS), Premieres Thursday, 9/22 at 9 pm (ET)

This show should have been a better competitor for the top spot in this category. It was created by Jonah Nolan, brother of Christopher Nolan and co-writer of the Batman flicks, J.J. Abrams is executive producing, and Jim Caviezel and Michael Emerson from Lost are starring. But it just doesn’t blend all of these elements into a great show. This semi-okay show is about a guy that has created a social security number-based system to learn about people that are going to be involved in some sort of crime before it happens, pretty much like Minority Report. And Caviezel teams up with him to stop the badness from happening. Ho hum.

Charlie’s Angels (ABC), Premieres Thursday, 9/22 at 8 pm

Look, I can come up with many reasons to watch this show. Namely Minka Kelly, Rachel Taylor and Annie Ilonzeh. They’re hot, they shoot guns and blow things up. It’s a retooling of the campy, but great 70’s version but isn’t high quality viewing, but I have low TV morals, so I’ll give it at least one viewing.

“Pan Am”

A 60s”Mad Men“-like drama about stewardesses starring Christina Ricci, who weirdly isn’t in this clip. Maybe she’s in the bathroom?

“Once Upon A Time“

Yeah, I dunno. But it doesn’t look good. Something about Snow White, I think.

“Revenge”

An updated version of The Count of Monte Cristo starring Madeline Stowe, Emily VanCamp, and other people who probably haven’t read it.

“Charlie’s Angels“

You know “Charlie’s Angels“? This is that.

“The River“

Some kind of supernatural horror thing. Not based on the Jean Renoir film of the same name.

“Scandal”

A show about publicists starring Shonda Rhimes.

Well, there you have it. In case these clips have piqued your imagination, here’s the fall schedule for dramas. You’re welcome again.

MONDAY:

8:00 p.m. “Dancing with the Stars”

10:00 p.m. “Castle”

TUESDAY:

8:00 p.m. “Last Man Standing” [New Show]

8:30 p.m. “Man Up” [New Show]

9:00 p.m. “Dancing with the Stars the Results Show”

10:00 p.m. “Body of Proof”

WEDNESDAY:

8:00 p.m. “The Middle”

8:30 p.m. “Suburgatory” [New Show]

9:00 p.m. “Modern Family”

9:30 p.m. “Happy Endings”

10:00 p.m. “Revenge” [New Show]

THURSDAY:

8:00 p.m. “Charlie’s Angels” [New Show]

9:00 p.m. “Grey’s Anatomy”

10:00 p.m. “Private Practice”

FRIDAY:

8:00 p.m. “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”

9:00 p.m. “Shark Tank”

10:00 p.m. “20/20”

SATURDAY:

8:00 p.m. “Saturday Night College Football”

SUNDAY:

7:00 p.m. “America’s Funniest Home Videos”

8:00 p.m. “Once Upon a Time” [New Show]

9:00 p.m. “Desperate Housewives”

10:00 p.m. “Pan Am” [New Show]

(Vulture)

Among the new pilots being given life are:

• A “Charlie’s Angels” remake.
• “Pan Am,” the 60s drama about flight attendants stewardesses flight attendants starring Christina Ricci.
• An untitled Tim Allen sitcom that features the grunting comedian”fighting for his manhood in a world increasingly dominated by women.” Sigh.
• “Apartment 23,” which used to have the word “bitch” in the title, but doesn’t anymore.
• “Good Christian Belles,” another show that used to have the word “bitch” in the title, but doesn’t anymore. This makes ABC the leading broadcaster of TV shows that used to have the word “bitch” in their titles, but don’t anymore. Congratulatons, ABC!

Unfortunately, for new shows to be born, other shows must meet the hard, cold kiss of death. Here are the ABC series set to cross the River Styx:

• “V,” a show about reptilian aliens that invade America. I guess this means the reptillians won.
• “Mr. Sunshine,” which has been cancelled despite decent ratings, reportedly in the wake of star Matthew Perry going to rehab. Heh.
Brothers and Sisters”
• “Off The Map“
• “No Ordinary Family”
• “Detroit 1-8-7“

And so it is with the majestic Circle of Life. Cue Elton John. (Warming Glow)

In addition to this casting news from Deadline, we also get a bit of background information on the characters. Abby is young, sassy, privileged, and beautiful (duh). She’s also an expert con artist and trained in Krav Maga. Makes our lives look pretty bad in comparison, doesn’t it?

Minka Kelly‘s unnamed character “is described as a former U.S. Marine, a weapons expert trained in all forms of hand-to-head combat and a neat freak.” A neat freak? Oh no! I hope another one of the angels isn’t a slob!

No information has been given about Ilonzeh’s Kate, so I’m going to make some up. She’s a fiery-tempered shopaholic that loves the outdoors and can be a bit of an airhead, always having “blonde moments” at inopportune times. Also, she’s an expert in knives and explosives.

“I dunno. Get McG. He’s good with women from the 70′s.”

That’s probably not how the NBC meeting to find a director for their prized “Wonder Woman” pilot went, but the result is the same. Sources close to Movieline claim that TV vet McG is the frontrunner to helm the the pilot episode of the David E. Kelley-produced reboot. While it’s not clear if McG’s involvement would extend beyond directing the pilot, I wouldn’t rule it out, as he’s got strong pedigrees in both TV action dramas and derivative cheese, of which “Wonder Woman” should have both in spades. McG has completed his transformation into the poor man’s Brett Ratner.

It seems a little odd that McG would be such a frontrunner for the NBC gig while serving as a consulting producer of ABC’s “Charlie’s Angels” remake. (I’m tired of saying “reboot.”) But if they don’t have a problem with it, then the best to both. Sadly, it would seem it’s easier in Hollywood to fight over one person with a pedigree in successful remakes than it is to put together a decent team of people to think of something new. That said, NBC might be a little strapped for cash after having to build WW’s fully-functioning invisible jet. Those things are pricey.

"Kiss my ass, screenwriters."

Poor Jessica Alba wa taken out of context, and I’m not just talking about this article’s headline.

The actress is trying to set the record straight after Elle Magazine quoted her as saying, “Good actors never use the script unless it’s amazing writing,” and “All the good actors I’ve worked with, they all say whatever they want to say.”

Ironically enough, this ruffled the feathers of John August, the screenwriter behind Charlie’s Angels. Did that film even have dialogue?

At any rate, after August criticized her comments on his blog, Alba tried to set things right with a bit of ridiculous overcompensation: “Just so it’s clear, films don’t even get made and nothing ever gets a green light unless there’s great material.”

Say what? We live in a world where someone green lit a Nazi-themed version of The Nutcracker. At least her original comments made sense, considering she starred in The Love Guru and The Fantastic Four. I’m sure no one stuck with the script on those films, mainly because half of the actors involved couldn’t read. (Cinema Blend)