Other than the comedy stylings of Mark Wahlberg Lite, this trailer gives us a great look at the state of the art weapon Cobra is using to destroy entire countries with. Then by the end we’re given a great look at the state of the art weapon being destroyed. So, yeah, I guess the good guys win. Stay tuned to future trailers to find out about any other major deaths or plot points.

The new trailer focuses mostly on Cobra’s nefarious plot to destroy the world by impersonating the President of the United States (could happen), as well as the remaining Joes and their effort to take back the country and avenge their fallen comrades. The ragtag crew includes The Rock, Bruce Willis, a hot chick, a Latino guy, and various ninjas. One of which is also a hot chick. I hope they succeed. They’re our last hope. Who else can defeat sword-wielding ninjas on a mountainside while the highest office hangs in the balance? Certainly not Dennis Quaid.

Geez. Kleenex might not be enough. Might want to go with beach towels, or possibly several Sham-wows.

The film, which stars Tom Hardy, Chris Pine, and Reese Witherspoon as spies or assassins or something, was originally pushed UP a month so that amorous couples could go see a mildly violent romantic action comedy after delighting in unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks at Olive Garden (’cause when you’re there, you’re family). However, the studio has flinched in the face of The Vow, which stars Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams in a Nicholas Sparks adaptation.

Either way is fine by me, as my girlfriend gets very turned on by women with really sharp facial features, so regardless of whether it’s McAdams or Witherspoon, I’m getting some ass come February 14th.

Cast: Rachel McAdams, Channing Tatum, Sam Neil

Synopsis: A car accident puts Paige (McAdams) in a coma, and when she wakes up with severe memory loss, her husband Leo (Tatum) works to win her heart again.

Release Date: February 10, 2012

Silly haircuts? Check. Drug humor? Check. John Woo-style gun ballet? Check. Give the trailer a watch. I’m really looking forward to seeing more. The only part that made me sad was when Ice Cube acknowledged Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and the Twittersphere. Hopefully at some point in the movie he’ll wield an AK.

Luckily there were cameras there so we can all enjoy the fisticuffs. Err, I mean, get well, Shia.

But he’s not the only star who has found it difficult to enjoy a night out without some random jerk taking a swing at them. In fact, I can think of eleven off the top of my head.

Channing Tatum

Some obsessive Fighting fans may have taken their love of the film too far when they tried to throw down with Channing Tatum at a club in Chicago. Reports vary on whether or not Tatum threw any punches in the huge fracas, but he did have to be ushered away by security. There was no word on what caused the altercation but speculation is that a mumbling Tatum grew frustrated when asked to repeat himself over and over again.

Sean Bean

Sean Bean not only proved his mettle, but he also proved that he is metal when he refused medical attention and returned inside for a drink after being stabbed in a fight this year outside a London pub. My theory is that he’s actually a Highlander.

But what other actor in Hollywood could be so totally wrong for the role?

Mark Wahlberg‘s name has come up again. He was originally offered the film but a deal was never put into place. However, if he still has access to the wig he wore in Rock Star, this could be the right fit. Another name being floated out there is Channing Tatum, who could also work in a that-totally-doesn’t-work kind of way. All I know is that the filmmakers only have a handful of chances to screw up this reboot, and casting is the best place to start. That’s why they should take a chance and look into David Hyde Pierce’s availability. (THR)

Pettyfer will star in Steven Soderbergh‘s Magic Mike, about the life of two male stripper friends. Channing Tatum will play the mentor stripper, while Pettyfer will play the student stripper. The story is based on Tatum’s real life experiences as a male stripper, but Pettyfer is playing the Tatum role. I can imagine Tatum saying to Pettyfer, “I wouldn’t have said the line like that. So stop saying it like that… me?”

Soderberg is using Saturday Night Fever as a model for the film. I assume that means there’s a sequence where Pettyfer wears a white, crotchless disco outfit. (Deadline)

While the Tatumstream media will probably focus on Channing Tatum‘s involvement, I see another angle to this story: I thought Steven Soderbergh was retiring. And yet, Magic Mike is a new project for him. Does this mean we’re going to get to see a bunch more Ocean movies? I hope so! (ShowBlitz)

But seriously, one role, Dave? Pfft. Is that the best you can do? And you’re not even directing yourself. You’d better be hard at work on some kind of avant garde art installation or something. And don’t say ‘Looking a little bit like James Franco‘, because that’s a cop-out. (Deadline)

Riggle joins 21 Jump Street, what’s sure to be a faithfully dramatic movie version of the old Johnny Depp TV show, where undercover cops pose as teenagers in high school. He’ll play the main villain in a cast that includes Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum and Ice Cube. 21 Jump Street will be directed by the same guys who brought us Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs, Phil Lord and Chris Miller. So again, anticipate some Oscar-worthy drama here.

Columbia Pictures is distributing. (Variety)

Sony is paying $1mm for the project, which doesn’t seem like much until one remembers that the source material is in the public domain, and consequently is free. The million bucks is best imagined as a cost of about $125,000 per each of Channing Tatum‘s abs. Which I still think is a bargain. I mean, have you seen them? I would pay twice that if I was still an executive at DreamWorks.

When the story about the project broke last week, it was known that the film wouldn’t remain unsold for long because of the familiarity of the material. It’s nice to know that even Hollywood’s predictability is predictable. It’s like a warm, lazy blanket during a storm.

Filming will begin just as soon as Tatum knocks out like 300 more jackknife sit-ups.(/Film)

This presumably only includes cast members who played good guys in the first movie, which as you might remember gave a lot of focus to the villains of the story, the titular one being played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who probably won’t be returning for the sequel. Gordon-Levitt was last seen running through Hollywood with a visibly tear-streaked face, shouting “no! No! I wasn’t in GI Joe! You’re confusing me with Heath Ledger!” Sad. (via /Film)

Havin taken their cues from another popular reboot, the project is trading under the title Peter Pan Begins. I guess we’ll finally find out where Peter got that little green hat with the red feather. My guess is American Apparel, but we’ll know soon enough.

Roth has recently stuck to the public domain for his stories, as he’s the man behind Oz, Great and Powerful, Alice in Wonderland, and Snow White and the Huntsmen. With all the money he’s saving on writers, he should be able to hire five trainers for Channing Tatum.

No one has purchased the package yet, but seeing as how this is a fairy tale movie with a strong development team behind it, don’t expect it to sit on the shelf long.

Seriously, though…Channing Tatum? (THR)

Mr. Cube is in talks to be part of 21 Jump Street, based on the old Johnny Depp show that made him a dreamy teen idol, much to his emo-embarrassment. Directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller (Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs) want him to play the precinct captain, cast alongside Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum. I kinda wish they’d ask him to play one of the undercove high school officers, cause he’s 41 and that would be very, very ridiculous.

In addition, Ice Cube is shopping around a movie he wrote, and would like to direct / star in. Will he also run craft services on Chrome and Paint, a gritty drama about South LA’s custom car culture? Probably not, but it’d be funny if Ice Cube didn’t trust anyone else to make potato salad, so he made it himself. Who would stop him? Hell, I wouldn’t even mess with the family friendly Ice Cube. (Deadline)

Well, Kevin Macdonald fans are not going to like me. First I hated his YouTube mashup Life in a Day at Sundance. Now I’m not going to have very nice things to say about his ancient Roman battle movie the eagle. On the other hand, I LOVE Kevin McDonald from “The Kids in the Hall.”

In the year 120 AD, the 9^thLegion of Rome invaded Britain. 5,000 men vanished in a humiliating operation. So they built Hadrian’s Wall to keep the Britons out. All this happens before the movie starts. It’s in the opening text.

The real story is that Marcus Aquila (Channing Tatum) is the son of the leader who botched the battle and los the eagle of Rome in British territory. He tries to redeem his family by leading the Romans to defend Hadrian’s Wall, but that doesn’t work. So he needs to seek redemption by venturing into Britain to reclaim the Eagle.

I think we can all buy this eagle statue as a symbol of national pride. War movies have rabble roused over less specific patriotic symbols. It’s a pretty weak and ridiculous plot that one guy is going to redeem a whole army by finding an object in some large unspecified territory.

Marcus’s guide through Britain is Esca (Jamie Bell), a slave Marcus saved from gladiatorial death. They bond and learn from each other, even when the tables turn and Esca has to pla the master to impress a tribe of mud-coated mohawked warriors.

Perhaps this nonsense would be okay if there were some impressive battles to speak of, but the action is terrible. It’s shot in such the handheld extreme that you really can’t even see anything. A few of the battle formations are Braveheart lite. Marcus leads a squadron with shields in the front, stabbing through the gaps at any enemy brave enough to climb aboard. It still looks like guys in the woods doing historical re-enactments.

It’s just so boring all along the way. The battle talk is lame. The Eagle is Rome and honor and blah blah blah. But Esca has seen the cruelty of Roman warriors. Both sides in war are bad, get it? There are stories of painted warriors of the Seal People who hack off their enemies’ feet so their souls can’t walk to the afterlife (souls sure do give up easy. I would roll to the afterlife.) It’s all so serious, it’s no fun and it’s not fascinating enough to be interesting.

“I promise you, it will be the most insane ride that you will ever go on,” Tatum said at the press junket for his latest film, The Eagle. “It’s the most ridiculous script I’ve ever read in my entire life.”

Then of course Hill always likes to improvise, so who knows what’ll be in the movie after they’re done. “We’re going to go crazy on this movie and I hope that I can just keep up with the kid,” Tatum said.

Everyone is still gunning for a Johnny Depp cameo, none more so than Tatum himself. Depp has said he’s willing, so it’s only a matter of scheduling him in between Pirates and Tim Burton movies. Tatum knows the scene Depp would appear in.

“If and when it does happen, it’ll be crazy, as true to form and as brilliant as he is. It’ll be true to form to him for sure. We have an idea but it’ll be a surprise, I’ll tell you that.”

Channing Tatum stars as a cop with some kind of tragedy in his past. He’s working the beat in the Queens housing projects where he was raised until a reporter starts digging up dirt about his childhood and deceased Cop Dad. Al Pacino and Ray Liotta (who didn’t get the mustache memo) serve as his advisors while guarding whatever secret from his past that inevitably won’t have a very good pay off in the end. Also, Katie Holmes is here playing Stressed Out Katie Holmes. And Tracy Morgan will definitely get shot. (MTV)

From Academy Award winning director Ron Howard comes a January movie. The Dilemma is about a dilemma that’s very real, but it’s not funny. So they fill the movie with contrived B.S. that’s also not funny.

Ronny (Vince Vaughn) and Nick (Kevin James) are couple friends. They’re best friends but they always hang out with their significant others too — Ronny’s wife Geneva (Winona Ryder) and Nick’s girlfriend Beth (Jennifer Connelly). They talk about what it takes to really know someone, and they dance because you liked Kevin James dancing in Hitch.

Nick and Ronny have a car idea for GM. That’s the big job they work on in between relationship issues. I always wonder who comes up with the jobs people do in movies when they don’t actually matter. Did screenwriter Allan Loeb really think, “I really want to tell the story of electric engine designers in crisis?” Or did he say, “Let Ron Howard figure out what they do for a living.”

While scouting a location for his own proposal, Ronny catches Geneva making out with a dude we’ll later learn is Zip (Channing Tatum). Does he tell his best friend? Would it be more human to wait until all the pressure of the GM deal is over? Well, it’s a movie so any mature decision Ronny could make is off the table.

Remember when Vince Vaughn used to keep it real? No gimmicks, just breaking the tension of real relationships with comedy. To fill out two hours in The Dilemma, he has to fall into some poison plants that make his pee hurt, argue over the audience trick shot at a hockey game, and climb trees to spy on Zip.

Vaughn is out of things to riff about, so he does the speech from Miracle. Ronny makes up lies about what trouble he’s been in because he can’t tell Beth he’s planning a proposal and he can’t tell Nick what he knows. Dropping a wad of cash (intended for a ring) and keeping secrets make it look like Ronny’s gambling again. Misunderstanding circumstances is not the same as a joke.

The women give some powerhouse performances though. Geneva shows Ronny how she can turn on the tears if she has to claim Ronny made a pass at her to cover her ass. It’s pretty evil, but evil is not funny. Beth is the most amazing girlfriend ever. In the face of ridiculous behavior, she wants to be supportive and Ronny’s the ass to refuse. Queen Latifah talks about her lady wood in an embarrassing bit part, and it’s so funny that she says it twice. But Connelly and Ryder make something out of this nonsense.

There is some good drama in the resolution, but this ain’t the drama version. They had their chance to make a drama and they made the wrong choice.

Director: Ron Howard

Cast: Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Connelly, Winona Ryder, Kevin James, Channing Tatum

Synopsis: A man discovers that his best friend’s wife is having an affair.

Release Date: January 14, 2010

Rosario Dawson and Lynn Collins both want to be a part of Channing’s ten yea high school reunion. The film, aptly titled Ten Year, is basically a modern day remake of The Big Chill, which means they’ll be dancing to “Livin’ La Vida Loca” on MP3 instead of “Heard It Through the Grapevine” on vinyl. Dawson and Collins join an already varied and sexy cast including Kate Mara, Anna Faris, Justin Long, Chris Pine, and Mr. Tatum himself. I’d warn the ladies to watch their backs for Channing attacks if his wife, Jenna Dewan, wasn’t also in the cast. You know what. Go ahead and watch your backs anyway. He could bother you about Ikea directions or something. (THR)

The Eagle lands in theaters February 25, 2011. (Apple)

Channing Tatum is steppin’ up 2 da 21 Jump Street. The actor is in talks to don Silly Bandz and return to high school to totally narco on the student body with Jonah Hill. Before you groan and throw your body to the supermarket floor in protest and force me to drag you out by your leg, just know that this could be a good thing. There’s a lot of ver funny people calling the shots on this film and Tatum sounds like a casting choice that could work. “Clone High” creators Phil Lord and Chris Miller (who also brought us Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs) are to be rooted behind the director’s monitor, Hill scripted, and Emma Stone is rumored to be a part of the project. And everyone likes Emma Stone. She’s like sugar to us.

The film itself is said to be a blend of comedy and Bad Boys-style action, based around the concept that these cops look too young to be effective as cops. I’m not saying that Channing Tatum is the perfect choice for this (I’d be more interested in seeing Chris Pine in the role), but we could do a lot worse. How? Zac Efron and Keenan Thompson. So count your blessings and get up off the floor. You’re embarrassing me and people are trying to get through with their carriages. (HitFix)

_{When you see it…}

Channing Tatum is organizing (producing) a fictiona high school reunion for himself and few of his closest friends. Ten Years is an ensemble drama about classmates chumming it up again a decade after their graduation. It’ll be like The Big Chill, except they’ll dance to "Lady Marmalade" instead of "Heard It Through The Grapevine."

Tatum is already sending out his Save the Dates to several actors he’d like to attend. Tatum’s wife, Jenna Dewan ("Step Up"), Anna Faris, Chris Pratt ("Parks and Rec"), Chris Pine and Scott Porter ("Friday Night Lights") should all be expecting theirs from their agents soon. They can either respond or just ignore Channing entirely. He’ll find some other friends who like him for him and not the man he used to be or was hoping to become. (THR)

USAToday has a first look at Ron Howard’s new film, The Dilemma. It stars Vince Vaughn as a guy who discovers that his best friend’s (Kevin James) wife (Winona Ryder) is cheating on him with Channing Tatum. Not the real Channing Tatum, but the character he plays. In case you’re confused as to where this movie came from, it used to be called Cheaters.

It’s great to see Ron Howard taking on a comedy again. I’ve grown weary of his religious projects with Tom Hanks in long, stringy hair. Hopefully The Dilemma will be more Parenthood than EdTV. I’d also like to mention that the above scene takes place at Chicago’s famous hot dog joint, Weiner Circle. A more dangerous place to bring Vaughn and James I cannot think of.

Director Stephen Sommers may return for the proposed G.I. Joe sequel, Coming Soon is reporting…because they’re obviously bored. Sommers, who directed  G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, would join Channing Tatum, who will reprise his role as Captain Duke Hause. Whooop-dee-do!

What is interesting, however, is that Rhett Reese and Paul Wernic, the writers behind Zombieland, are working on the script. This seems to indicate one of two things. Either the next G.I. Joe film will be a vast improvement over the original, or a certain pair of screenwriters are about to be exposed as frauds. Only time will tell.

Got to get tough, Reese and Wernic!