Screen Junkies » Casablanca http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Fri, 29 Aug 2014 17:39:03 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 10 Iconic Movie Lines, If They Were Written Today http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/10-iconic-movie-lines-if-they-were-written-today/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/10-iconic-movie-lines-if-they-were-written-today/#comments Fri, 11 Jul 2014 12:50:31 +0000 Jared Jones http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=262898 We live in an era of rapidly deteriorating linguistic abilities (translation: words b hard), where the appreciation for an eloquently-delivered turn of phrase is at an all time low.

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By Jared Jones

We live in an era of rapidly deteriorating linguistic abilities (translation: words b hard), where the appreciation for an eloquently-delivered turn of phrase is at an all time low. For every hour that The Learning Channel is allowed to continuing airing reality shows about polygamist midgets suffering from bipolar schizophrenia, or delusional, cupcake-baking Long Island housewives who communicate with ghosts, the IQ of the average earthling drops 10 points, thrusting our collective vocabulary ever closer to the monosyllabic, hybrid hillbilly and valley girl grunts uttered by the mouth-breathing troglodytes depicted in Idiocracy (*accepts award for greatest sentence ever written*).

The movie world has not been spared in this eradication of intellect, and could honestly be considered one of its greatest forerunners. Even the whimsical insults of eras past have been all but forgotten in favor of the base-level “sick burns” churned up by today’s creatively-bankrupt minds.

“His mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork.” — Mae West, 1934

“It tastes like fuckin’ dick infused with balls.” — Adam Sandler, 2013

To loosely quote Not Sure, there was a time long ago when screenplays were penned with the writer’s blood, sweat, and tears, not hastily scribbled onto a cocktail napkin amidst a three-day coke binge with Michael Bay. But times have changed. Can you imagine how some of the most iconic lines in film history would sound if they were written today? Gee, I wonder…

10 — “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” 

Modern equivalent: “I got 99 problems but this bitch ain’t one.”

9 — “Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

Modern equivalent: “Life’s like a bowl of ‘sketti and butter, so go tell Sugar Bear it’s done.” (*farts*)

8 — “A boy’s best friend is his mother.

Modern Equivalent: “A boy’s best friend is *your* mother, who I totally put a dent in last night.”

7 — “They’re here.”

Modern Equivalent: “Oh sh*t there’s some ghost-lookin’ muthaf*ckas in the TV screen!”

6 — “Yo, Adrian!”

Modern Equivalent: “Yo, Adrian!” Truly a man ahead of his time, that Stallone.

5 — “If you build it, he will come.”

Modern equivalent: “If you f*ck it, fame will come.”

4 — “A martini. Shaken, not stirred.”

Modern Equivalent: “Gin and juice. Beeeitch.”

3 — “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Modern Equivalent: “I’ve a serious man-crush on you, Lou. No homo.”

2 — “I’m the King of the World!”

Modern Equivalent: “Suck my d*ck, Planet Earth!”

1 — “Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night!” We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”

Modern Equivalent: “If anyone else wanna kill some aliens, let me hear you say yeah!”

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9 Classic Films I Must Watch Before Hurricane Irene Kills Me http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/9-classic-films-i-must-watch-before-hurricane-irene-kills-me/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/9-classic-films-i-must-watch-before-hurricane-irene-kills-me/#comments Fri, 26 Aug 2011 22:05:21 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=226106 Everyone gets angry that I haven't seen these films...

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As Hurricane Irene is certain to kill me and the rest of those in New York‘s Zone B, I figure there’s a few things I need to do before I die. And since there aren’t any marathons to run or continuing ed classes going on in the next 48 hours, I suppose I’d better take the opportunity to watch those classic films that people always give me a hard time about not having seen. Assuming the power stays on.

Casablanca

This classic romantic drama starring Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Berman is just about one of the most famous films ever made. But I skipped Film One that day so I didn’t get to see it. Though my dorm-mate was there and passed on his review to me that it is “an enjoyable film with Nazis and stuff.”

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension

This is a film that I’ve heard about my entire life, but haven’t had the opportunity to see. It draws reactions of shock when friends find this out. However, I know nothing about the sci-fi spoof. In fact, I just learned that it follows a physicist/neurosurgeon/rock star as he battles aliens. This is normally the kind of thing I’d be all over but it somehow escaped my radar.

Platoon

Though I haven’t seen the first film in Oliver Stone‘s Vietnam War trilogy, I did watch my friend Nate play some of the video game before school. I think that should count.

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Rapper Recreates 9 Movies In 1 Take, Because Why Not? http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/rapper-recreates-9-movies-in-1-take-because-why-not/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/rapper-recreates-9-movies-in-1-take-because-why-not/#comments Sat, 23 Apr 2011 00:38:57 +0000 Geoffrey Golden http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=Video&p=208624 Film history classes are for people with money to burn. Check out this hip-hop, film history CliffsNotes video from rapper DeStorm.

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Film history classes are for people with money to burn. Burn, money, burn. Check out this hip-hop, film history CliffsNotes video from rapper DeStorm. He jumps from famous movie scene to famous movie scene all in one take, like a less impressive (though still entertaining) version of the Old Spice commercials. You can expect to see everything from Casablanca to Pulp Fiction, with a little Rocky thrown in there for good measure. Gotta have my “Adriaaaaan.”

There’s another music video DeStorm made about video games. What about a combined video, where he goes through the history of classic video game movies? You’d have… uh… and then you’d jump to… uh… The Wizard? Okay, bad idea.

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