The name of the show? The F’n Osbournes. Exciting, isn’t it?

I don’t feel like waiting around for this show to air to declare that it totally sucks. Not just because it’s a ten-year old gimmick featuring a family that grates more and more as time marches on. Also, because cartoons depicting real people have a storied history of being awful. And here are seven examples to prove it.

Life with Louie

Some cartoon producer had a theory that kids love corpulent comedian Louie Anderson. And they were sort of right. While the idea of listening to Louie Anderson voice a cartoon character makes me want to cry, Life with Louie was a three-year hit for FOX on Saturday mornings, and garnered the network two Daytime Emmys. It focused on Louie’s actual upbringing, his ten siblings, and the constant teasing of him because of his weight. Sounds fun, right?

It wasn’t.

Pro Stars

Pro Stars was a horrible cartoon that children watched because it purported to star the three most popular athletes in the world, Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan, and Bo Jackson.

Of course, the aforementioned really had almost nothing to do with the show. They would appear in badly edited segments before the show which did nothing but demonstrat that they weren’t in the same room at the same time, and different voice actors read their lines in the animated segments.

In case you were wondering, Michael Jordan was the leader, Bo Jackson was the muscle, and Wayne Gretzky was the comic relief. You know. Because of how funny Wayne Gretzky is. Also, Wayne Gretzky was obsessed with food and eating on the show, which was never really explained.

This accumulation of crappiness resulted in the show getting canned after thirteen episodes. And in case you were wondering, a voice actor on the show is credited with playing both “Reggie Miller,” and “Evil Reggie Miller.” A Knicks fan would argue that there’s no difference between the two.

The Flight Attendant

The first Archer conquest we see is an unnamed flight attendant who appears in the show’s pilot episode. She wakes up in Archer’s apartment with a bruise on her ass shaped like a ping-pong paddle. Because that’s the kind of thing Archer is into.

Cheryl Tunt

The gossipy office secretary at ISIS, Tunt is the frequent (and willing) target of Archer’s romantic advances. She possesses a strong affinity for bizarre sexual fetishes, as well as a complete lack of intelligence.

However, all of the blame shouldn’t fall squarely on that cheery little sponge. Cartoons have been warping minds for years by promoting violence, causing seizures, and creating young people naive to the ways of the world. These seven shows in particular are much more harmful to a growing mind than Spongebob.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

When I was a kid, this show was responsible for 98% of the groin-kickings on planet Earth. It was all but impossible to watch an episode with friends and not have the party end with someone keeled over cupping their budding gonads. Also, its essentially one big commercial for pizza which lead to a wave of overweight wannabe ninjas. Case in point, Steven Seagal.

Bambi

This one is on the list because it will wreck your shit. Remember how you felt when Bambi’s mom was murdered? Now imagine if you were a toddler and watching it by yourself. You’d think, “What a lazy deer,” and not learn the consequences of shooting someone. Then you’d be considered one of the dumbest toddlers in prison.

Tom and Jerry

Originally, Tom and Jerry featured some of the most violent imagery on television. And it was awesome. Then as kids began to hurt one another, producers were forced to have the cat and mouse bury the hatchet someplace other than Tom’s skull. That’s how Tom and Jerry and Friends came about.  I argue that the watered-down pussification of the material was actually more damaging. Living amongst rodents? That’s how plagues start.

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_{"Coyote Falls"? I don’t get it?}

After years in hiding, Bugs Bunny and the gang are headed back to the big screen. In a throwback to the golden age of Warner Brothers cartoons, the studio is releasing three 3D shorts that will run in theaters before feature-length films. In addition, Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck are getting their own 26 episode show on Cartoon Network.

This is the first major announcement from the Looney Tunes since they were sexually assaulted by NBA great Michael Jordan on the set of Space Jam 14 years ago Brendan Fraser on the set of Looney Tunes: Back in Action 7 years ago. Since cartoon characters are not protected under the law, Brendan got off on a technicality. But the event was so traumatizing that Bugs and company quit showbiz and hadn’t been heard from since. Luckily, time heals all wounds, even the really stretched out cartoon kind.

The first of the shorts, "Coyote Falls", will appear before the film Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore, which sounds stupid and opens on July 30. The TV series will premiere this fall, and will probably be canceled next spring. That’s all, folks! (Coming Soon)

Grab your bowl of sugar cereal and pop a squat in front of the computer! Jaroo.com launches today and you can watch all kinds of cartoons on it! According to The Hollywood Reporter:

Jaroo launches with 50 TV series and 500 episodes, though it is digitizing its library of 6,000 episodes to ensure fairly rapid growth, said Ken Locker, senior vp digital media.

But unlike Hulu, Jaroo content, including the commercials, is aimed at kids ages 4-12.

4-12 my ass. I think we all know that cartoons transcend age brackets. Especially Inspector Gadget. We here at Screen Junkies were just reminiscing about how waiting for the next episode of Gadget was a true test on our childhood patience. And now all you gotta do is click a button and blond, pigtailed Penny can be yours whenever you desire. Oh Penny, how you stirred up emotions inside of us that we wouldn’t understand until many years later…