Well, an enthusiastic fan put together not only a pretty funny origin story, but a spot-on send-up of the superhero genre. And while the effects aren’t quite Avatar quality, they’re better than anything you’ve ever done, so just shut up, ok?

Considering this was a labor of love, the production values were actually quite high, and the screeching rock song in the background goes a long way to sell the grittiness. So jump on board with Captain Planet.

You silly Planeteers.

That said, the answer is “yes.” Those rat bastards in the entertainment industry have started pushing their politics on children at a younger and younger age, knowing that their mushy brains are too soft and stupid to know the difference between right and wrong. Sadly, the children most susceptible to this brainwashing are the ones raised in sound families with two working parents. They’re betting that while you are out working at Exxon/Mobil or tending to your independently-owned rifle store, they can sink their claws into your children.

Well, it stops now. Here is an introductory list to the most egregious offenders of this practice.

Captain Planet and the Planeteers

Way to tell half the story, Captain Planet! Of course you’re the brainchild of noted land-hoarder Ted Turner. You demonstrate how children the world over can band together to preserve threatened eco-sysytems, but you don’t ever discuss how drilling for oil in national parks can preserve US hegemony at the low, low price of a few birds or maybe a species of rare otter.

Also, Captain Planet is weakened by pollution, like smog and nuclear radiation. Oh, I’m sorry CAPTAIN PLANET! Maybe we’ll just power our houses and skyscrapers with rainbows and happy thoughts. It’s like he doesn’t even care that Detroit is losing market share to Japan even as I type this.

Also, his slogan… “The power is yours?” HA! Maybe if the child watching the show happens to be a US Senator, otherwise, the power lies in Washington, where it belongs.

Babar

Babar is French, and, as such, represents the biggest threat to American values in the world right now. As I’ve said before, his green suit tacitly condones an alternative lifestyle. He also wears a crown. What’s he the king of? You can’t just make yourself a king! You know who does that? Qadaffi. Pol Pot. Stalin. Jimmy Carter. In other words, bad people do that.

Fat Albert

Fat Albert promotes obesity. He’s just too damn fat. I don’t care if, when children watch the show, they “just might learn somethin’,” and I certainly don’t care if they’re “gonna have a good time.” I care that a planet of a man in a giant red sweater is “Hey hey hey”-ing his way into co-opting my child’s values with stories of sharing.

Also, that Mushmouth simply butchers the English language, while Dumb Donald is just too dumb.

Starting at an early age, children should be taught that the way to live well is by studying hard so that one day you can get a job in the financial services industry, not by hanging out with your friends and helping people out. Typical liberal bullshit.

Puppets are asexual. All children’s characters are. There is no room in children’s entertainment for sexuality. There’s plenty of time for that stuff later on. Kids shouldn’t be in a hurry to grow up.

BUT…

If we were to assign sexual orientations to children’s characters, these guys would be totes gay.

9. Captain Planet

If recent history has demonstrated anything, it’s that the homosexual community often leads the charge on many social and political issues, even outside of gay rights. So it should be no surprise that, well before Leonardo DiCaprio was driving a Prius, and Cameron Diaz was saving rainforests, Captain Planet was extolling the virtues of recycling and going green. Of course, it wouldn’t be fair to use this as the sole barometer for one’s sexual orientation, otherwise, we would have to take a long look at Al Gore. That’s right, I planted that seed.

Also, Captain Planet is the textbook definition of what the gay community considers a “twink.” Not a hair on him.

8. Jigglypuff

I’m not too hip as to the sex lives of Pokemon characters, but I must say that if one was to be gay, it would be Jigglypuff. Aside from a name that to me just screams “bear,” this guy puts his enemies to sleep by singing to them. That’s a hell of weapon there, Jigglypuff. Also, Jigglypuff is pink and has a very gay little haircut. Let’s not overthink this.

“Gotta catch ‘em all!”

7. Barney

Well, he’s big, purple and ridiculously fun. He has a very gay walk about him and claps way more than me and my straight friends. He’s also 25 million years old and looks FANTASTIC. He’s also got a bit of a lisp. He also appears in a video with countless other children’s TV characters called “We Are Family” which encrouages diversity and tolerance. That sounds like some typical liberal bullshit.

Barney=Liberal. Liberal=Gay. Barney=Gay.

That’s the transitive property. I just mathematically proved that Barney is gay.

“The messages of Captain Planet are even more relevant today,” said Snyder [TBS COO]. “We feel this team can bring the world’s first eco-hero to life in a powerful motion picture that is not only pertinent but entertaining.”

“We are extremely excited about bringing the good Captain back to life,” said Murphy. “His adventures are known worldwide and he is recognized across generations. We expect to make a spectacular series of films with the amazing team at Cartoon Network.”

“With the earthquakes, tornadoes, melting icebergs and all the other problems threatening the world right now, Earth really needs her greatest defender,” said Montford.

Wow. What a total “fuck you” to Al Gore. (Coming Soon)