Screen Junkies » cannes film festival http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Tue, 26 Aug 2014 21:15:55 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Nobody At Cannes Liked ‘Only God Forgives’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/nobody-at-cannes-liked-only-god-forgives/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/nobody-at-cannes-liked-only-god-forgives/#comments Fri, 24 May 2013 19:37:01 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=255026 HA-ha!

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Everyone gets mad at me because I hate Drive. Seems like I was just ahead of the curve.

Nicholas Winding Refn‘s followup, Only God Forgives, was received with boos at Cannes by the very same people who smelled his farts last time around. I should just say this isn’t me rubbing anything in anyone’s face because a) I’m allowed to like what I like and you’re allowed to like what you like, and b) I haven’t seen Only God Forgives and can’t effectively critique it. But Jeffrey Wells from Hollywood Elsewhere can. Awesomely.

“Movies really don’t get much worse than Nicholas Winding Refn‘s ‘Only God Forgives’,” [Jeffrey Wells] writes. “It’s a sh*t macho fantasy – hyper violent, ethically repulsive, sad, nonsensical, deathly dull, snail-paced, idiotic, possibly woman-hating, visually suffocating, pretentious.

“I realize I sound like Rex Reed on one of his rants, but trust me, please – this is a defecation by an over-praised, over-indulged director who thinks anything he cr*ps out is worthy of your time. I felt violated, sh*t upon, sedated, narcotized, appalled and bored stiff.”

Jeffrey Wells, I want you inside me. (Yahoo! UK)

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Bow Down To De Niro at Cannes http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/bow-down-to-de-niro-at-cannes/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/bow-down-to-de-niro-at-cannes/#comments Thu, 06 Jan 2011 18:04:12 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=14539 One film festival can't quench Robert De Niro's insatiable thirst for cinema. The co-founder of the Tribeca Film Festival has accepted the duties of the President of the Jury of the 64th Festival de Cannes.

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One film festival can’t quench Robert De Niro’s insatiabl thirst for cinema. The co-founder of the Tribeca Film Festival has accepted the duties of the President of the Jury of the 64th Festival de Cannes. De Niro said with a half-crooked smile: “The Cannes Film Festival is a rare opportunity for me as it is one of the oldest and one of the best in the world.” Guess that means the jury can’t laze about sipping espresso and buttering their croissants this year. De Niro doesn’t tolerate that kind of care-free shit. He wants a decision on the Palme d’Or, and he wants it now. (Deadline)

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Cannes: The Adventure http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/cannes-the-adventure/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/cannes-the-adventure/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 That's me between the Asian and the freak. I had the opportunity to attend the Cannes Film Festival over the past few days, and it was a whirlwind experience full of red carpets, yacht parties, and Jean Claude Van Dammes galore. My brains are still recovering from the extensive travel and time difference, but I feel it’s more authentic and enjoyable if I share my journey in my current semi-conscious condition. When I arrived at the hotel, the Maison de Jacque D’Azur, I was greeted with an ice cold Stella Artois, a welcomed welcome after spending the previous fifteen hours on a metal tube that has no business hovering so long in the sky.  The Maison used to be home to Picasso, who I’m sure is rolling over in his grave now that bloggers are slogging around it, covering the interior with a thick layer of Cheetos dust.  

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That’s me between the Asian and the freak.

I had the opportunity to attend the Cannes Film Festival over the past few days, and it was a whirlwind experience full of red carpets, yacht parties, and Jean Claude Van Dammes galore. My brains are still recovering from the extensive travel and time difference, but I feel it’s more authentic and enjoyable if I share my journey in my current semi-conscious condition.

When I arrived at the hotel, the Maison de Jacque D’Azur, I was greeted with an ice col Stella Artois, a welcomed welcome after spending the previous fifteen hours on a metal tube that has no business hovering so long in the sky.  The Maison used to be home to Picasso, who I’m sure is rolling over in his grave now that bloggers are slogging around it, covering the interior with a thick layer of Cheetos dust.
 

Friday night I attended the red carpet premiere of Oliver Stone’s Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps at the Grande Theatre Lumiere. Due to my sleep-deprived brains misfunctioning, I unfortunately missed the limo to the event with the rest of the group, but a nice French fellow named Fredrick whisked me away on a shuttle ride of death through the busy streets of Cannes to get me there on time. I saw my life flash before my eyes as the Volkswagon van swerved in and out of traffic, almost killing several Vespa drivers, an act of aggression I have no issue condoning. I arrived in one tuxedoed piece though, and walked the red carpet like a fancy boy with purpose and prestige. It’s amazing how well formal wear masks indignity.


Cannes Red Carpet – Watch more Funny Videos

All the stars came out for the premiere of Wall Street 2; Martin Scorsese, George Lucas, Oliver Stone and the entire cast. Eli Wallach didn’t make it, but I’m pretty sure that’s because he’s too old to fly and breathe at the same time.

The film is called Money Never Sleeps, but if money watched this movie it would conk out quicker than a transient with a bottle of Jim Beam and a handful of Ambien. Meetings with my financial advisor are more exciting. The dynamic between Gordon Gecko and Bud Fox in the first Wall Street is completely lost in the sequel. Everyone spends most of the movie spewing out stockbroker jargon that isn’t compelling unless you make your living spewing out stockbroker jargon. It’ll be a huge hit with Windsor-tie-wearing bigwigs, but inhabitants of Main Street won’t be interested in watching a fictional depiction of how they got screwed. 

After the premiere, I attended a couple of yacht parties with people whom I insist on calling my new friends. Yu-Ming runs Freshness Mag and Sneaker News, and Bryce runs The Luxury Spot. You should check out their sites because they’re my new friends and you’re my friends and I like it when all of my friends are friends. Don’t worry, I’m working on the woven bracelets for us all now. 

In order to board the yachts we had to take off our shoes, and to my surprise, no one was carried out of the parties with shards of glass stuck in their feet. The boats were flowin’ with champagne and bumpin’ that kind of music that fifty-year-old men and fifteen-year-old girls alike love grinding to. Also, two hot chicks in skintight gold getups performed a sexual flashlight dance to Daft Punk. Also, Jean Claude Van Damme showed up in Bentley.

 


Canne Yacht Party – Watch more Funny Videos


Cannes Sexual Flashlight Dance – Watch more Funny Videos


JCVD at Cannes – Watch more Funny Videos

On Saturday, after some much needed sleep after being up for 36 hours straight, I headed over to the Stella Artois Lounge at the Plage Des Palms. It was a fantastic spot with a gorgeous view of the harbor, more yachts that made me feel insignificant, delicious pork chops, and all the beer one could drink.

 

With my belly full of booze and pig flesh, I went back to the hotel where I tried to post something but the Internet connection wasn’t cooperating. I just wanted to let you know I tried, you guys.  

That night I attended the red carpet premiere of Woody Allen’s You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger. It was the same pomp and circumstance with the tuxes and the stars. I’m pretty sure all the photographers thought I was a famous Jew actor. Take your pick, I could be that guy. Oh great, thanks for picking David Schwimmer, dick. 

I enjoyed the film. It reminded me quite a bit of Vicki Christina Barcelona in the sense that it’s about married people cheating who shouldn’t be cheating just because they fight or f*ck too much or not enough. It also has a damn omniscient narrator again, who I do not approve of. Go back to sexing up sheet metal in a Mercedes-Benz commercial and quit explaining to me why Woody Allen characters are neurotic, unhappy schlubs. I can fill in the blanks on my own.

Regardless of the lazy use of V.O., the performances of Naomi Watts, Josh Brolin, Anthony Hopkins, Lucy Punch, and Gemma Jones kept me interested. I don’t want to spoil the end, so I’ll just say I was disappointed that right when the film started to pick up speed, Woody pulled the plug. Twenty minutes less in the beginning and more at the end would have balanced the story out nicely. As it is now, I walked away assuming the moral is that if you’re a crazy old person you’ve got it all figure out. Mozel tov.

I had never been to Cannes before this weekend, and in less than two days I soaked up my share of the sights, sounds, and drivers who have zero regard for the sanctity of pedestrian life. I’m grateful to Stella Artois for sending me on the trip. It allowed me to experience a festival I would probably otherwise have never experienced, and to share with you my ridiculous thoughts, videos, and pictures. Now if you’ll excuse me, my scrambled brain isn’t sure if I’m hungry or if I have to go number 2, so I’m going to head to the kitchen and hope it’s the former.

Au revoir, homies.

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‘Rambo V’ – Who Needs Stallone http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/rambo-v-who-needs-stallone/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/rambo-v-who-needs-stallone/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Kids today just can't get enough of John Rambo. Check the Internet, and you'll find there are literally millions, if not billions of Rambo related Facebook pages and Twitter accounts. And with Rambo mania (or as I like to call it, "Romania") at an all time high, it's no surprise that a group of investors is trying to drum up money to make the fifth installment of the franchise. In order to raise awareness for their cause, said investors have been putting up Rambo V posters at various locations around Cannes. The only problem is that Sylvester Stallone says he's through with the character. Stallone says the people behind these posters are out there looking for funding, and told him that if he won’t do it, someone else will. He's adamant that he won't do it so that means Rambo V, if they find funding, will happen with someone new playing Rambo. Screw Stallone. Those investors shouldn't let something like the loss of an iconic lead actor keep them from giving the public what it so desperately wants. Get The Rock on the phone. We want more Rambo! (CinemaBlend)

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Kids today just can’t get enough of John Rambo. Check the Internet, and you’ll find there are literally millions, if not billions of Rambo related Facebook pages and Twitter accounts. And with Rambo mania (or as I like to call it, "Romania") at an all time high, it’s no surprise that a group of investors is trying to drum up money to make the fifth installment of the franchise. In order to raise awareness for their cause, said investors have been putting up Rambo V posters at various locations around Cannes. The only problem is that Sylvester Stallone says he’s through with the character.

Stallone says the people behind these posters are out there looking for funding, and told him that if he won’t do it, someone else will. He’s adamant that he won’t do it so that means Rambo V, if they find funding, will happen with someone new playing Rambo.

Screw Stallone. Those investors shouldn’t let something like the loss of an iconic lead actor keep them from giving the public what it so desperately wants. Get The Rock on the phone. We want more Rambo! (CinemaBlend)

 

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You Want to Send Me to Cannes? Uhhhh…Okay! http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/you-want-to-send-me-to-cannes-uhhhh-okay/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/you-want-to-send-me-to-cannes-uhhhh-okay/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 That's right, boys! Soak it up!So I'm on a plane right now flying to Cannes for the the tiny, little film festival they do annually, and I'm having trouble remembering who I slept with/killed to get this opportunity. Also, my 767 jet must be equipped with magic because I'm posting on the site from 1000s of feet up in the air. Eat your heart out, George Jetson. Your future looks like a silly b*tch now.Come to think of it, no one in their right or wrong mind would request sexual favors from me in exchange for a trip to Cannes. That's right, Stella Artois so kindly sponsored this excursion for me. I plan on living it up on the French Riviera like Jacques D'azur, and attempting to hit on as many women as he has bedded with a simple come hither glance. Don't post this on my girlfriend's Facebook wall. She doesn't read the site.I'll be bringing you all kinds of fun audio and/or visual presentations documenting my escapades at the film festival. I even had to rent a tuxedo. With a bowtie. Why do I have a strange feeling I'll be working this trip off by serving tray passed mini quiches at an after party?I'm not certain yet what screenings I'll be attending or what galas I'll be drunkenly stumbling into, but rest assured you will know when I know. I mainly just plan on donning my tux 24/7 and unsuccessfully trying to convince people I'm Daniel Craig. Not James Bond, mind you. Daniel Craig. Now to secure some piercing blue eyes...My battery is running out because I lack discipline and don't refresh it like Apple suggests you do at least once a month, so I'll say au revoir for now. Keep on checking back for my updates and the use of French words that I pick up at high-stakes poker games and mustache-twisting pow-wows. Kisses, my babies!

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That’s right, boys! Soak it up!

So I’m on a plane right now flying to Cannes for the the tiny, little film festival they do annually, and I’m having trouble remembering who I slept with/killed to get this opportunity. Also, my 767 jet must be equipped with magic because I’m posting on the site from 1000s of fee up in the air. Eat your heart out, George Jetson. Your future looks like a silly b*tch now.

Come to think of it, no one in their right or wrong mind would request sexual favors from me in exchange for a trip to Cannes. That’s right Stella Artois so kindly sponsored this excursion for me. I plan on living it up on the French Riviera like Jacques D’azur, and attempting to hit on as many women as he has bedded with a simple come hither glance. Don’t post this on my girlfriend’s Facebook wall. She doesn’t read the site.

I’ll be bringing you all kinds of fun audio and/or visual presentations documenting my escapades at the film festival. I even had to rent a tuxedo. With a bowtie. Why do I have a strange feeling I’ll be working this trip off by serving tray passed mini quiches at an after party?

I’m not certain yet what screenings I’ll be attending or what galas I’ll be drunkenly stumbling into, but rest assured you will know when I know. I mainly just plan on donning my tux 24/7 and unsuccessfully trying to convince people I’m Daniel Craig. Not James Bond, mind you. Daniel Craig. Now to secure some piercing blue eyes…

My battery is running out because I lack discipline and don’t refresh it like Apple suggests you do at least once a month, so I’ll say au revoir for now. Keep on checking back for my updates and the use of French words that I pick up at high-stakes poker games and mustache-twisting pow-wows. Kisses, my babies!

 

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CANNES FILM FESTIVAL http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/cannes-film-festival/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/cannes-film-festival/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Stay up to date on my escapades at the Cannes Film Festival.

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Stay up to date on my escapades at the Cannes Film Festival.

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Win Jacques d’Azure’s Place at Cannes http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/win-jacques-dazures-place-at-cannes/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/win-jacques-dazures-place-at-cannes/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 A few weeks ago we reported to you that Jacques d'Azur, the King of Cannes, went missing. Mr. d'Azur is now presumed dead, or lost forever on an island inhabited entirely by beautiful women, and the search is on to find his heir. This lucky person will fill in for Jacques at the 2010 Cannes Film Festival -- an exclusive VIP trip of a lifetime worth of $10,000. You'll get the very same treatment that Jacques would have. That includes the premieres, the parties, the limos, the helicopter pads, and hobnobbing with A-List celebrities. This swanky trip is sponsored by Stella Artois 4%, so head on over to their site for complete details and to enter. You could be on a jet to the French Riviera before you know it. It's good to be the king. HURRY! CONTEST ENDS SUNDAY!

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A few weeks ago we reported to you that Jacques d’Azur, the King of Cannes, went missing. Mr. d’Azur is now presumed dead, or lost forever on an island inhabited entirely by beautiful women, and the search is on to find his heir. This lucky person will fill in for Jacques at the 2010 Cannes Film Festival — an exclusive VIP trip of a lifetime worth of $10,000. You’ll get the very same treatment that Jacques would have. That includes the premieres, the parties, the limos, the helicopter pads, and hobnobbing with A-List celebrities.

This swanky trip is sponsored be Stella Artois 4%, so head on over to their site for complete details and to enter. You could be on a jet to the French Riviera before you know it. It’s good to be the king. 

HURRY! CONTEST ENDS SUNDAY!

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King of Cannes Jacques d’Azur Missing http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/king-of-cannes-jacques-dazur-missing/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/king-of-cannes-jacques-dazur-missing/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Have You Seen This Dapper Man?Cannes 1962. Jacques d'Azur gives some lucky lady the bedroom eyes.Legend of Cannes and a god among men Jacques d'Azur is missing and your help is desperately needed. The French film producer/director/actor/tennis player/chess master/backgammon champion/waterskiing pioneer and full time bon-vivant known for his work on the red carpets, swimming pools, and silk sheets of the French Riviera hasn't been seen since last week. Needless to say, his extremely wealthy family is distraught.Multi-tasking is Jacques Multi-Tasking d'Azur's middle name.

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Have You Seen This Dapper Man?

Cannes 1962. Jacques d’Azur gives some lucky lady the bedroom eyes.

Legend of Cannes and a god among men Jacques d’Azur is missing and your help is desperately needed. The French film producer/director/actor/tennis player/chess master/backgammon champion/waterskiing pioneer and full time bon-vivant known for his work on the red carpets, swimming pools, and silk sheets of the French Riviera hasn’t been seen since last week. Needless to say, his extremely wealthy family is distraught.


Multi-tasking is Jacques Multi-Tasking d’Azur’s middle name.

Jacques has been hobnobbing and elbow rubbing with international film stars and musicians since he was knee-high to a beret wearing tadpole. By the age of 15 he was fluent in eight languages and could play five instruments better than you can speak your singular native tongue and toot a kazoo.

Baby Jacques enjoys creamed frog’s legs.

Jacques first made his leap into "the business" when he was lounging by the Carlton hotel’s pool and ended up in the background of a film being shot there. His charisma and Speedo were so extraordinary that his role as "swimming pool lounging extra" landed him a nomination for best supporting actor at the following year’s Cannes Film Festival. And the rest, as they say, c’est de l’histoire.

Raw, masculine power takes a poolside stroll.

Jacques set sail on his kinkly named yacht ‘Bridgette et Anna’ from his Tahiti home, and the last reported radio contact from him was the message, "I have come across an undiscovered land. Amazingly all the inhabitants are beautiful women." No further contact was made with him and the extensive search found no sign of Jacques or his yacht. An island populated entirely by gorgeous women is no place for a man with such an insatiable appetite. If Jacques isn’t found soon every one of those could fall madly in love with him, and with no escape, the King of Cannes will be doomed.

Who will obstruct the film festival’s entrance if Jacques isn’t there?

If you have seen Jacques d’Azur or know anything regarding his whereabouts, please contact Screen Junkies immediately. We’ve been told there’s a handsome reward for any information, and we’d like to collect it. Don’t worry, we’ll cut you in too. Pinky swear. Check out Jacques’s Facebook page HERE for more about the man, the myth, the legend.

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