The only two channels that I feel are pulling their weight are the Food Network and TLC. Did you know that HBO and AMC, for all of their acclaim, have zero cakes shows…COMBINED? I mean, AMC has a show about making drugs, but it really isn’t very good. Everyone’s so unhappy and there isn’t any talk of fondant.

Well, I’m trying to put on a happy face and look at the half-full glass. So I thought I would run through and give you guys a quick rundown of my favorite cake shows on the air.

Ultimate Cake-Off – TLC

Do you ever find yourself eating a large piece of cake and wondering, “Who was in charge of the production of this delicious cake?” Well, my friend, that would be a cake boss!

This program follows Buddy Valastro and the rest of his family as they bake cakes at Carlo’s Bakery in Hoboken, New Jersey, the unofficial home of cake! Cake Boss is a very popular show, with season one averaging 2.3 million viewers. Consequently, Carlo’s bakery has become something of a tourist attraction in Hoboken, and has actually caused a spike in tourism to the Hoboken area, which speaks to how great Carlo’s is and how shitty Hoboken is!

Earlier this year, TLC created a Cake Boss spinoff called Kitchen Boss, which features Buddy sharing other, non-cake recipes. I don’t care for Kitchen Boss.

Plano police officers searched Wilson’s residence on Sept. 27, 2010; at that time, Wilson was shown three images that had been sent from his IP address and downloaded by investigators. According to the police affidavit, Wilson admitted he had viewed these images, and signed and dated the images to indicate the agreement with police.

I still think he’s a better person than Rachel Zoe, Bethenny Frankel, and Patti Stanger.

Since my wife forced me to watch the show (no, really), I’m familiar with Wilson. To summarize his time on Just Desserts, he was a total dick, but I never suspected he was into kids, at least no more than I suspect every reality star of being into kids. But like Abe Lincoln always said, never trust a straight dude who devotes his life to making frosting. I’m looking in your direction, Cake Boss. (AOL TV)

Despite the plethora of crap to be found on TV, FX canceled the critically acclaimed boxing drama, “Lights Out,” due to low ratings. That pisses me off. I’m not saying the show was flawless. In fact, at points, it was pretty stupid. But even so, its writers looked like the reincarnation of William friggen Shakespeare when compared to their competition. How is it that a well scripted, well acted show like “Lights Out” has less of a following than a show about some stereotypical Italian asshole who bakes cakes? I have no idea. But what I do know is that these five shows should not be on the air in a world where “Lights Out” gets canceled.

Any Show With An Abbreviation For A Name

“CSI!” “NCIS!” WTF? I’m not even going to argue that all these shows are bad (even though they are mindless trash). Wha I am going to argue is that maybe you don’t need twenty different versions. This goes for “Law and Order,” as well. Doing the exact same thing in a different location is the height of laziness (although “Cash Cab Chicago” gets a pass). New York, Miami, LA: who gives a shit? Murder is murder. Could you please just cancel one of these to make room for my boxing drama?

“WWE“

If you want to watch a show about two guys pretending to fight, why would you choose WWE over “Lights out?” It doesn’t make sense! “Lights Out” is better written, better acted, more believable, and a thousand times less homoerotic. Granted, if you’re looking for homoerotisim, I get it. But if you’re not, why watch that shit?

“Hardcore Pawn”

Look, if you really want to watch a bunch of morons pawning shit, that’s fine. I get it. To be honest, I’ve wasted a lot of time watching it, myself. But do we really need two separate shows? “Pawn Stars” wasn’t enough for you animals? Jesus Christ!

“Cake Boss“

Oh no! They baked the wrong cake! What the hell are they going to do now? Oh, thank god! They managed to make a new cake just in time! I can see why this show is so popular! Oh wait, no I can’t. Italians should be ashamed of this asshole’s antics. Fugetaboutit!

“The Millionaire Matchmaker”

Watching Patti Stanger turn away girls because they aren’t attractive is like watching Chewbacca tell Bigfoot he needs to shave. Who the hell is she? More importantly, who the hell sits and watches that beast set up imbeciles on phony dates week after week? Well, my girlfriend does, but she’s only 13, so she doesn’t know any better. At any rate, the fact that this show survives while “Lights Out” dies is a travesty.