So if you’re in the market for an assistant, but don’t have a lot of extra cash to spend on a pedigreed butler, just swing by Home Depot, pick up a day laborer, toss him in a tux, then show him the following films so he can learn how to really serve his employer.

Howard Weinstein – Father of the Bride

This snobby assistant (played flawlessly by B.D. Wong) lives to serve wedding guru Franck Eggelhoffer. With an oddly Jewish name, the Asian assistant seems to do most of the heavy lifting. Sadly, his appearance was a full decade before the Bluetooth age, otherwise, you can bet dollars to donuts that he would be rocking one in each ear, while explaining why you can’t in good conscience spend less than $3,400 for the groom’s cake.

Indicative exchange:

George: Are you Franck?
Howeard: Hahaha. I wish.

Brandt – The Big Lebowski

Humor is overrated, especially in an assistant. I prefer canine-like devotion, as does Mr. Lebowski, apparently. Brandt certainly fits that description. While enthusiasm doesn’t seem to be his strong suit, he’s got a job to do, and he’s going to do it. Further, he suffers abuse from his employer pretty well, which is a really nice trait, especially considering how much we will all want to torment our butlers and assistants once we hire them. I mean, that’s the point, right?

Just because he has no sense of humor doesn’t mean you can’t still treat him like crap, just like The Big Lebowski does.

Indicative exchange:

Bunny Lebowski: I’ll suck your cock for a thousand dollars.
Brandt: Ah hahahahaha! Wonderful woman. We’re all, we’re all very fond of her. Very free-spirited.
Bunny Lebowski: Brandt can’t watch, though, or he has to pay a hundred.
Brandt: Ah haha. That’s marvelous.
The Dude: Uh, I’m just gonna go find a cash machine.