Ellen Ripley

Sigourney Weaver’s protagonist across 4 movies in the Alien series is perhaps the definitive kick-ass onscreen woman. She’s an inspiration to all of us, seeing as she was the sole survivor after her ship was infiltrated by a killer alien. In fact, not only was she a survivor, but she actually blew the son of a bitch out of the airlock. AND she did it at least partially in her underwear, which is really just an added bonus. Don’t hurt me, please.

Sarah Connor

Even more so than Ripley, the heroine of the first two Terminator movies has quite an evolution from unassuming girl to horrifying warrior/possible crazy person. In The Terminator, Sarah is a suburban waitress who becomes the target of a cyborg from the future sent to murder her before she gives birth to the savior of humankind. In Terminator 2, she’s confined to a mental asylum and will crack your face open with a broken broom handle just as soon as not. And that’s before she gets out and starts using guns and explosives and stuff.

Xena, Warrior Princess

I don’t really remember much about Xena. She had throwing discs, and she hung out with Hercules, and she got into lots of fights, and she had a girlfriend? Sounds like a kick-ass woman to me. I bet she’d like me if she got to know me (although maybe she thinks the same thing about me, like I said it’s been a while since I watched the show).

Here are seven epic movie battles between kids and monsters.

Super 8

This year’s Super 8 was a classic example of kids vs. monsters. You’ve got a small band of nerdy child filmmakers who accidentally get embroiled in a government cover-up of a giant alien monster they’ve been experimenting on for decades.

It

Don’t think the kids from It have it easy just because they’re in a made-for-TV monster movie. As anyone who saw this movie will tell you, the monster from It, which preys on fear and has the ability to take the shape of anything that frightens you, is a lot scarier than the majority of big-screen movie monsters. His most terrifying form is as a murderous clown played by (of course) Tim Curry. If you’re still doubting the legitimacy of this monster, remember that by the time he was defeated, the kids had grown up into adults!

Ellen Ripley, Alien

Perhaps the definitive lady who kicks alien ass, Ellen Ripley (as portrayed by Sigourney Weaver) killed a whole bunch of Xenomorphs throughout Alien and its 3 sequels. At one point, she “gave birth” to one right before plunging into a pit of molten metal before then coming back as a clone with a little bit of alien DNA thrown in for good measure! That’s called “implausible screenwriting–” er, I mean, “dedication.”

Buffy Summers, “Listening to Fear,” Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Sometimes, one has to go outside the specific parameters of one’s job description. For example, in this season 5 episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffy goes on break from vampire-slaying in order to defeat an alien who is stalking her family for reasons too complicated to get into here. The alien’s MO is to cling along its prey’s ceiling while the unlucky bastard is in bed, before dropping down on their faces and suffocating them. It’s also no slouch in the slime department. Buffy makes quick work of it, though, by carving it up with a butcher knife. Delicious!

Florence Norris, Mars Attacks!

The character of Richie’s grandmother, played by Sylvia Sidney in Mars Attacks!, proves that you don’t have to be able to walk to kick alien ass, nor do you even have to have total control over your mental faculties. All you really need to make Martian skulls explode in their space helmets is a record collection that includes the sounds of Slim Whitman. It may not be hip, but it works.

Sam, Attack the Block

In Attack the Block, the primary kicker of alien ass is Moses. But he has a reluctant ass-kicking partner in Sam, a nurse played by Jodie Whittaker. While her action against the alien invaders in the movie is less show-offy than her male counterpart, it’s no less integral to stopping the alien invasion. She also gets to shoot one of the aliens when her more-experienced-with-guns companions aren’t fast enough. She never says “bruv,” though. Maybe in the sequel.

Lassie

This isn’t a dis against Lassie. It was a great show, but how did they manage 588 episodes? When your kid is constantly getting trapped in mineshafts and pipes and falling into the lake (twice), it’s time to reassess. First, move away from the country. It’s too damn dangerous with all the falling hazards, rattlesnakes, and drifters passing through. You might also want to consider getting Timmy some help. The boy must have problems if he’s continually acting out in this way. You know what, never mind. I think a call to Children’s Protective Services is in order. It’s irresponsible parenting, even if your dog has an excellent understanding of the English language and the ability to decipher pantomime.

Prison Break

We all hung in there after the actual priso break mainly because it was kind of fun to see convicts on the run, even though it involve rubber hands and DB Cooper’s gold. Then season three landed the gang back in prison, albeit a tougher, more dangerous, more Panamanian prison, which was a fun return to form. Then the fourth and final season happened and it was totally bonkers. Somehow, the escapees were drafted to become a team of industrial spies conducting impossible missions in order to clear their names. And T-Bag got an office job. WTF?

Then, to drag the story out even further, a direct-to-DVD movie was released. That’s enough closure, Prison Break. Thanks!!

According To Jim

182 episodes of a Jim Belushi sitcom is 182 too many. How often can one watch “The Belush” getting into messy scrapes, chomping cigars and singing blues songs while hanging out with and not appreciating a wife who is way too hot for him is? I’ll never understand how a show like this thrives while awesome comedies live on the brink of cancellation.

I don’t even know who to believe anymore, man. Now there are reports that Joss Whedon was offered the chance to helm the Buffy The Vampire Slayer remake himself, but turned it down. Which is cool by me. He’s devoted a lot to that character and it’s natural to want to move on. It’s what adults like your mother and I do, and it’s absolutely not your fault. Even though you are terrible at sports.

Anyway, I’m taking this news with a grain of salt. In Whedon’s response to the remake news, he didn’t mention that the offered was extended to him. Though, it would be bad form to put that out there in public. On the other hand, he probably caught wind of the remake a long time ago and made it clear that he wasn’t interested. Whichever the case, this reeks of damage control. (THR)

The transformation into Morgan Spurlock is nearly complete.

Yesterday’s news of a non-Joss Whedon reboot of the Buffy franchise traveled fast and created a collective groan from fans of things that are very good. I, myself, was all like, “AAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!” And so was series creator Joss Whedon. Sort of. He told E!:

“This is a sad, sad reflection on our times, when people must feed off the carcasses of beloved stories from their youths-just because they can’t think of an original idea of their own, like I did with my ‘Avengers‘ idea that I made up myself.

Obviously I have strong, mixed emotions about something like this. My first reaction upon hearing who was writing it was, “Whit Stillman AND Wes Anderson? This is gonna be the most sardonically adorable movie EVER.” Apparently I was misinformed. Then I thought, “I’ll make a mint! This is worth more than all my Toy Story residuals combined!” Apparently I am seldom informed of anything. And possibly a little slow. But seriously, are vampires even popular any more?

I always hoped that ‘Buffy‘ would live on even after my death. But, you know, AFTER. I don’t love the idea of my creation in other hands, but I’m also well aware that many more hands than mine went into making that show what it was. And there is no legal grounds for doing anything other than sighing audibly. I can’t wish people who are passionate about my little myth ill. I can, however, take this time to announce that I’m making a Batman movie. Because there’s a franchise that truly needs updating. So look for The Dark Knight Rises Way Earlier Than That Other One And Also More Cheaply And In Toronto,’ rebooting into a theater near you.”

So, he took it pretty well. Unlike Edward Norton, who pulled a knife on a toll booth worker when he found out he wasn’t returning to play the Hulk.

Hey, here’s something that no Buffy fan wants. Warner Bros is rebooting the franchise with a new Joss Whedon-less film. Now before anyone freaks out, I should note that the project is in more than capable hands. Whit Anderson, a background actor from Jim Carrey’s Yes Man, has been hired to write the script. Oh. Oh no.

However! She does seem to be a Whedonite herself.

”I didn’t really watch much television at all, but I always watched ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer,’ that was the one show I would watch when I got home. I just loved this character. I was the same age as Buffy and it was so rare to have a female lead character on TV in those days who was strong and capable and smart but also allowed to be feminine.”

Ummm… yeah. What she said. And monsters also got battle-axed in the face. And before you get worried that they’re going to Twilight this thing up, you should check out this quote from producer Charles Roven. He’s so psyched.

“This is a completely new reboot. Tone is extremely important and you want the audience to realize what is at stake and the peril is real, but at the same time what’s going on should be fun and inviting and keep everyone engaged. It needs to be relevant to today, too, and that is what Whit has found a way to do.”

They’re totally going to Twilight this thing up. Now I understand that die-hard fans are not going to take that well, and they’ll want to petition. I recommend starting up a muffin-mailing campaign or whatever it is that you people do.  (LA Times)