Brett Ratner Is a Damn ‘Communist’
Wednesday, September 29 by

For years, I've been saying that Brett Ratner is a damn communist, and for years my allegations have fallen on deaf ears. But now, I finally have the proof I need to bring down this pinko once and for all.

Ratner is set to direct The Reluctant Communist, the story about Charles Robert Jenkins, a U.S. Army soldier who ended up spending 40-years as a "prisoner" in North Korea after "drunkenly" deserting during the Korean War. While "imprisoned," Jenkins was "forced" to act in North Korean propaganda films and became a national celebrity, usually playing the evil American. There are worse ways to spend a 40-year prison term. Why do I keep thinking of the scene where they first thaw out Austin Powers?

Basil Exposition: Austin, the Cold War is over!
Austin Powers: Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh comrades? Eh?
Basil Exposition: Austin… we won.
Austin Powers: Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism!

At any rate, hopefully Ratner will do some on-site research in North Korea very soon. (Variety)

Ben Stiller and Brett Ratner Planning ‘Tower Heist’
Monday, August 23 by

After letting Tower Heist sit on the shelf for almost four years, Universal has given it the green light with Ben Stiller starring, Brett Ratner directing, and Imagine's Brian Grazer producing. Because if anyone can make a project work that hasn't been working, it's the mastermind behind X-Men 3. Deadline has the deets:
Ben Stiller stars as the overworked manager of a luxury building who, along with other staff, lost their pensions to a Bernie Madoff-like Wall Street crook. It so happens that the fraudster is being held under house arrest in the luxury penthouse apartment upstairs, and the manager and four cohorts figure a heist will make them whole.
Bumbling, inept idiots try to pull off a major heist. Have we not seen this concept countless times already? And not that I have anything against Stiller, but I don't understand why he'd want to play this type of character again. He's already been a bumbling security guard twice in the Night at the Museum movies, and a bumbling (insert occupation) in almost everything else. Now he's relying on Ratner to save a stale concept. Unless that concept is a cupcake, I'm not seeing him succeeding.

Brett Ratner To Work With ‘Unknowns’
Tuesday, July 27 by

Brett Ratner is getting in the spy game. Ratner bought the film rights to "The Unknowns," a comic book written by Mark A. Altman ("DOA: Dead Or Alive"), Steve Kriozere ("NCIS") and model/actress Monica Olsen.
The comic tells the story of a woman who learns she was once the leader of an elite team called the Unknowns. She rejoins the team to learn who or what erased her memories and why. That definitely seems like it has movie potential. Hard to say what attracted Ratner to the project. Is he a fan of DOA, "NCIS", or model/actress Monica Olsen's talents.

We may never know. (Variety)

Brett Ratner May Ruin ‘Hercules’
Thursday, July 15 by

Riots flare in Greece as Ratner is considered for 'Hercules'.Director Brett Ratner is in talks to ruin the legend of Hercules, The LA Times is reporting. Millennium/Nu Image has been developing the project for three years, and apparently just decided to say "f*ck it, I don't care any more, it's gonna suck no matter what we do." Shortly thereafter, Ratner was brought in for negotiations. At any rate, I'm hopeful we'll get to hear the line "Don't ever touch a Greek man's radio" sometime soon. I know it's pretty lazy for a hack like me to make fun of Ratner, but in all fairness to Brett…actually, I don't really have anything more to add to that statement.

Peter Jackson: Back in ‘The Hobbit’
Friday, June 25 by

"Quit smiling, you bastard. Now I have to direct this damn thing."Good news for dorks everywhere, and bad news for Brett Ratner fans. Peter Jackson is on board to direct The Hobbit, according to Deadline. Warner Bros., New Line and MGM are currently in negotiations to bring the famed LOTR director back to Middle Earth.Jackson will take over for Guillermo del Toro, who dropped from the film earlier this year. Although it may prove problematic and costly for Jackson to step away from his current projects, a compromise seems to be eminent.The prequel to the LOTR trilogy will be split into two films, and will be shot back-to-back in Jackson's native New Zealand.

Peter Jackson Will Protect ‘The Hobbit’ From Brett Ratner If Necessary
Tuesday, June 15 by

It turns out that along with David Yates (Harry Potter films) and David Dobkin (Fred Claus), Brett Ratner has also been considered to direct The Hobbit. I don't want to tell a studio on the brink of bankruptcy how to run their business, but bitch is you crazy? I thought MGM needed a hit. Is this some kind of Brewster's Millions situation where they need to intentionally lose all their money in order to win a larger fortune?? Does Robocop have something to do with this???? Luckily Peter Jackson won't let that happen.He's gone on record before to say, "If [directing the films is] what I have to do to protect Warner Bros’ investment, then obviously that’s one angle which I’ll explore…The other studios may not let me out of the contracts." Thank you, Peter Jackson. You're the only one preventing us from having to endure Miley Cyrus speaking Elvish. Or worse, singing auto-tuned Elvish. (Deadline)

Ogre Round-Up: Brett Ratner Making Dirty ‘Snow White’; McDonald’s Recalls Dirty ‘Shrek’ Glasses
Friday, June 4 by

"Brother?!"There were too many similarities in these stories to avoid lumping them together in one Ogre Round-Up.Brett Ratner – wants to produce an "edgy 3D re-imagining" of the famous Brothers Grimm story "Snow White." “This is not your grandfather’s Snow White,” Ratner said. “Melisa (person with boobs who writes words on paper) went back to the 500 year old folk tale and put in some of the things that were missing from Walt Disney’s film. His dwarves were miners, and here they are robbers. There is also a dragon that was in the original folk tale. Walt made one of the great movies of all time, but ours is edgy and there is more comedy. The original, made for its time, was soft compared to what we’re going to do.” a.k.a. This sh*t is gonna be gangsta! (Deadline)Shrek – could be poisoning children with more than just his vulgar reparté. McDonald's is being forced to recall 12 million Shrek drinking glasses because they contain the toxic metal cadmium, a known carcinogen that can cause bone softening and severe kidney problems. Brett Ratner has learned to live with these conditions, so all 12 million glasses will be shipped to his mansion along with a dump truck full of golden french fries as a thank you. (Movieline)

Brett Ratner Invited to Work on Comedy Film
Thursday, March 11 by

Relativity Media has announced an upcoming project, currently titled Untitled Comedy, that is comprised of several short sketches directed by a wide array of directors. Those who have already completed their contributions for the expanding project are Peter Farrelly, Bob Odenkirk, Elizabeth Banks, Griffin Dunne, and well-known funnyman Brett Ratner, as well as additional directors who will be announced shortly.The project has also announced some big talent. Gerard Butler, Seann William Scott, Kate Winslet, Elizabeth Banks, Liev Schreiber, Chloe Moretz, Hugh Jackman, Naomi Watts, Patrick Warburton, Kieran Culkin, Johnny Knoxville are all on board so far. There are no details what the shorts are about but we do know they will be linked in some way. Producer Charles Wessler described the film:“We all sat down and came up with what we think is a hilarious through-line for the movie. Given the amount of pot I had smoked, at least I think it is hilarious.” Ah, a producer too stoned out of his gourd to clearly delineate what is and isn't hilarious. That explains the hiring of Brett Ratner. (CinemaBlend)

MYMAG Gives a Chilling Glimpse Into Brett Ratner’s Mind
Monday, January 11 by

  MYMAG's mission statement is to "give the world's most interesting people a chance to showcase what inspires them." Well, maybe they plan to do that with future issues because for their kick-off they've chosen Olivia Munn, Steve Aoki, and BRETT RATNER to play editor-in-chief. Says Ratner threw his buttocks: "If I weren't a film director, I would probably be a magazine editor. When I was pitched the concept for MYMAG, I was shocked — how did they know I had a treasure trove of favorite magazine articles saved in my closet?" I don't know, dude. You seem like the type who's into collage-making? If you flip through the pages of RAT-MAG, you'll find articles about Michael Jackson, Roman Polanski, and Miley Cyrus (surprisingly you won't find any glittery unicorn stickers or cheese-glued pages). In summation, Brett Ratner's favorite topics are Michael Jackson, Roman Polanski, and Miley Cyrus. If that girl from iCarly goes missing, authorities should look no further than Ratner. If he runs, release the hounds. The smell of Hostess Snowballs will lead a path directly to him.

Brett Ratner the Actor Even Creepier than Brett Ratner the Director
Friday, November 13 by

It's Friday the 13th. We had to show you something scary.If you were under the impression that director and Bagel Bites Eating Champ Brett Ratner is a talentless hack, you've got it all wrong. Not only has he directed some of the biggest movies of all time, but he'd also make for a great leading man. Don't believe me? Check out the hilariously creepy Ratner Films. I think you'll come 'round to my side of the fence.Oh yes, the me being pantless thing? Sorry about that. I don't get a lot of visitors on this side of the fence.

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT: MONDAY AUGUST 17th
Monday, August 17 by

Messy homes, nudity, super-strength, and a man-eating catfish. Tonight's TV preview reads like a raucous meth binge. CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

MARCUS NISPEL TO DIRECT ‘CONAN’ UPDATE. NO MORE BRETT RATNER.
Friday, June 12 by

BY THE ANVIL OF CROM! Usually, news about a guy who’s made a career out of directing remakes is not very exciting; it’s kind of annoying.  The knock on them is obvious:  they're never as good as the source material, and they're usually flashy flicks that lack substance. That's what makes this piece of news so darned interesting.  It was announced that Marcus Nispel, the guy who remade both The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the Thirteenth, is on board to direct a remake of Conan.  Yeah, it's a lackluster little bit of information but it's good news.  Why?  Because now we know Brett Ratner isn't touching the movie any more.